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HOW IS IT ENTIRE THREAD FOR "DEFINITION OF BEAUTY" TAKE 8 PAGES, AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU PATHETIC DOGS HAS MENTIONED BREASTS?

NOW, PANGO REALIZE THAT SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY IS NOT SO MUCH IN THE FACE. BUT GENTLEMEN, BEAUTY IS LOVE, NO? AND WHO MAKE THE LOVE TO A FACE? NOT PANGO.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: FIRST MAN TO INVADE MASSIVE, CRATERED, UNEARTHLY BODY WITH THIN UNBREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE. SECOND WAS YOUR DAD.

R.I.P. NEIL ARMSTRONG.

ON BRIGHT SIDE, THIS ARIZONA PLACE NOW STATE WITH HIGHEST INFANT MORTALITY RATE IN ENTIRE WORLD? THINK OF THE MILLIONS OF FEDERAL DOLLARS FOR IMPROVEMENTS TO MEDICAL TREATMENT YOUR WRINKLY OLD GOVERNOR CAN NOW FUNNEL DIRECTLY TO JOE ARPAIO'S LEGAL DEFENSE FUND.

OH YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, DR. PANGO TAKE BACK ALL THE DIFFICULT THING HE SAY ABOUT YOU. LOVE THIS THREAD. SO DELICIOUS.
PLEASE, EVERYONE WITH DOG: WHAT IS AVERAGE STEAK SIZE FROM THESE LIVESTOCK?

...about Discordianism that attracts sociopaths?

Is it that they lack the ability to make moral distinctions, subtle or otherwise, and thus take literally doctrines such as "Nothing is true, everything is permitted"?

Is it the perception that an understanding of the nature of the world as containing both order and disorder must therefore mandate an embracing of disorder and an abandonment of social mores?

Is it that the socially maladjusted see Discordianism as a haven where they will find unconditional acceptance, regardless how repugnant their behavior?

It seems like the primary complaint of those who seek us out and then find us wanting is that we're just too much like everyone else. We're too serious, too lucid, not wacky enough, not careless enough, not asocial enough. Too human.

What the hell is that all about? It's like they're looking for the Island of the Sociopaths where they can finally be accepted and feel at home.

LET DR. PANGO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE DISCORDIANISM AND THE SOCIOPATHS:
WWW.PRINCIPIADISCORDIA.COM/FORUM

ALL QUESTIONS ANSWERED AT ABOVE LINK.

[DIE]

You seem to think there are exemptions. People who don't need this sort of abusive reality check.

You're wrong.

In fact, I'd say that the people who don't think they need this are the ones that need it the most.

What does that even mean?

It sounds very revolutionary kick-em-in-the-face sound-bitey ... so naturally that makes me a bit suspicious, especially since it doesn't really *say* anything. What do ALL people need it for?

Do they need one all the time?

Why do you need one? And why does it need to be abusive? If it is because you otherwise wouldn't listen, how does that generalize to all people?

Did you really just type that without your bullshit detector sounding alarm?

Ahem.

WHAT EXACTLY THINK YOU WILL ACCOMPLISH WITH THE "Sir I do believe you ought to expound upon these statements" BULLSHIT?

OVER-ANALYZE THIS, OVER-ANALYZE THAT. LET PANGO EXPLAIN TO YOU SIMPLE MATTER OF WHAT PRECISELY IS BEING SAID IN ORIGINAL POST, IN TINY LITTLE WORDS SO MORTAL BRAINS MAY DIGEST FOR MAXIMUM NUTRITION:

YOU
DESERVE
TO
DIE.


THAT IS ALL.
ALL HUMANS DIE, ALL HUMANS DESERVE TO DIE, IF YOU ARE YOU HUMAN THEN PLEASE MOVE OVER TO SIDE OF ROAD AND DIE.

NO DEEP PHILOSOPHY.


GOODNIGHT SIR.

It is Pango's pleasure to assist with storytime, Reverend. Enrico was Pango's close ally in life. Now that Enrico is relegated to CIA witness protection program dead, it is great pleasure to have time for remembering.

Pango, tell me a story.

A story about Generalissimo Enrico, bless his dear departed soul.

"DEAR" in three of the five extant Salazorean dialects is synonymous with SUICIDE BY RAZOR. Assuming for now that you did not intend to start any unfortunate rumors about Enrico, Pango shall indulge your inquiry. HOWEVER; what Pango tells you MUST BE KEPT IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE. Enrico may be "dead," but he can still KILL with all the intensity of a BEARSHARKTOPUS ON BATH SALTS CUT WITH CYANIDE.

NOW, ENRICO, a man who Pango proudly served over 20 years as Chief Doctor Secretary, is not a man to be trifled with. He was, perhaps, the only man Pango has ever known who truly DESERVED to live. That is assuming Enrico was merely a man at all, which can be honestly debated. One day Pango remembers, in the heat of a very terrible battle, Enrico singlehandedly slaughtered no less than 113 Korean soldiers. With a fucking steel toothpick. This is not a lie. This is where the story begins.

Enrico tasked Pango with building a sort of "Dead Salazorean Horse" for invading the Enemy camp. The basic strategy was similar to the "Trojan Horse" concept, except instead of a big ridiculous mare, Enrico's idea was to take all 113 dead Korean bodies and fit them with explosives and robotic skeletons, reanimate them, and march them back to the main camp, where they would be greeted as heroes and then explode. Normally this strategy would not work, as it would take so long that the bodies would begin to decompose and raise a great stench. But these were Koreans, so we did not have to worry about that.

On the first day of experiment, Enrico came to Pango to ask for progress. "WHERE IS LIVING DEAD ARMY SWINE?" Enrico said. Pango replied, of course, "This great task is too much for one day, Generalissimo. Please grant one more day." Enrico retreated to his harem house, and waited one day.

On second day, Enrico approached Pango again, asking "YOU PROMISE TODAY, DOKTOR. ENRICO HATE WAITING. WHERE IS ZOMBIE BOMB STRIKE FORCE!" Pango replied, "Great Generalissimo! Your power is great, but not great enough to raise the dead in two days! One more day, I beg you!" Enrico was not happy, but granted one last day, warning "ONE DAY DOKTOR. BUT IF I COME BACK AND NO ARMY, YOU LOSE BOTH THUMBS."

Pango worked feverishly throughout the night and, by the morning of the third day, the Great Salazorean Zombie Corps was ready for deployment. Enrico entered laboratory tent to check on Pango. Enrico inspected the army and was very pleased. He said "DOKTOR! YOU HAVE MAKE ENRICO HAPPY ON THIS DAY! TODAY, REPUBLIC OF KOREA WILL KNOW GREAT NATION OF SALAZORE IS NOT NATION WITH WHICH TO FUCK!"

The army of the dead was loaded into strike trucks and driven to the edge of a clearing, where Korean camp was located. Pango readied the radio controllers and other science equipment, while Enrico unloaded the army and set them in formation, blessing each Korean soldier with a Tear of Enrico, the most prized Salazorean war honor. Then, Enrico gave the order MARCH ZOMBIES MARCH! And the robotic soldiers creaked to life, marching into the open, toward the camp.

As the gates of the camp opened to allow the soldiers to enter, we witnessed the unexpected. Young, beautiful Korean ladies ran out of the camp to greet their heroes. Enrico was immediately worried and aroused. "NO! DOKTOR! CALL OFF EXPLOSIONS! ENRICO NOT WANT TO WASTE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADIES!" But it was too late. The soldiers were on auto-destruct mode, and the Korean women were as good as dead. Enrico, however, being young and verile in those days, would not tolerate such a disaster. He ran out of the trees, into the clearing, to save the women.

Guards on top of the Korean camp walls began firing at Enrico. He dodged these bullets easily, dodging and weaving like a maniac. When he was halfway to the gate, Enrico leaped up and, in mid-air, pulled the biggest god damn gun Pango has ever seen from his pants and began firing. Two guards went down immediately, followed by three more who popped up to take their place. Enrico ran like the wind, firing and spitting obscenities at the Koreans. When he reached the gate, he slipped in just as they slammed shut.

Five seconds later, an enormous explosion rocked the entire valley, and a pillar of smoke and fire rose about a mile into the sky. Enrico surely was dead. As the smoke and debris settled, a dead silence settled over the ruins of the Korean outpost, which was now only a crater in the middle of the burning grass. Pango shakily walked toward the wreckage, afraid to see what he would find there. But when Pango approached close, some timbers shook and fell off of the charred husk of a guard tower, revealing Enrico. Smiling like a banshee.

"DOKTOR PANGO YOU HAVE ALMOST KILLED ENRICO TODAY, BUT NOT QUITE!" he howled. Pango couldn't believe his eyes. And Pango was even more astonished when Enrico stepped into the light, because he was draggin the writhing, naked bodies of twelve Korean women, glistening in the sunlight.

"Generalissimo! How did you survive the blast from those zombies!?" Pango asked.

"HAHA! ZOMBIES? ENRICO DISABLE THEM. EXPLOSION YOU SEE WAS ENRICOGASM. YOU SHOULD TRY SOMETIME. IS LIKE HEAVEN." The Korean ladies moaned and passed out.

Pango, tell me a story.

A story about Generalissimo Enrico, bless his dear departed soul.

I heard that if Pango and Enrico ever met, the sheer glory would level a hemisphere.

I heard that if they touched, even for a handshake, our genetic code would retroactively immunize us against all viruses, then create a super virus just for kicks.

I heard that if they had a baby it would be sentient hair and cigar smoke with an affinity for Elvis.

YOUR MISGUIDED ADMIRATION IS SWEET. UNFORTUNATELY WHEN PANGO MET ENRICO THE ONLY THING THAT WAS LEVELED WAS SMALL ANONYMOUS TOWN IN UKRAINE.

STORY FORTHCOMING.

OK, clowning about a bit. What I do like about the rant here is so much work goes into looking for that thing that makes us "special" (now it sounds like a disability unit), and in looking for ways to try and make other people feel worthwhile, when it's so much more enlightening to do the ole' "Look up at the at the Stars and feel your cosmic worthlessness'. Enlightening's probably the wrong word. Maybe "freeer of thought" is a better way of putting it.

An old hate of mine is self-esteem courses. Haven't done one, but have seen the results when, for example, a wife-beater is sent along to one, and learns that he too, has some sort of right to be accepted for who and what he is. Now, I'm a firm believer that self-esteem should be earned, and not taken as a right. If someone's a prize prick, well, why should they feel good about themselves? They probably should have someone like this chap constantly pointing and sneering at them pointing out what a prick they are.

"Oh, but this guy only hits women because of poor self-esteem!"

PISS OFF! He does it because he's a power-mongering prick in a society that sanctions power-mongering prick behaviour, and he wants his piece! Why should he have self-belief, when I don't even have it! I've even won awards!

But yes, there's more reflection on the meaninglessness of it all needed.

IT IS PERHAPS FITTING THAT YOU MISINTERPRETED, PLANKTONBRAIN. In fact life is not MEANINGLESS at ALL. It is grand. And it is beautiful. It is also magnificent and GLORIOUS. Pango's point is that YOU AND YOUR BARBIES AND YOUR SUVs simply do not rise to the level of comprehending, MUCH LESS DESERVING, life.

In other words you are pigs and cattle.

(No offense to pigs and cattle intended.)

You know, YOU DOGS, sometimes I wonder what kind of filthy decomposing genetic soup coalesced around a broken lump of cosmic feces to spawn your pathetic fucking species. WHAT WAS IN IT, I wonder? Amino Acids? Yes. The building blocks of DNA? Yes. But WHAT ELSE? What was it about the sputtering, methane-smelling pool of geological piss on THIS WORLD that made you all come out so FUCKING RETARDED?

I, Dr. Pango Gillespi, have been hard at work these past two years to find out the answer to that very question. And do you know what I have found out so far? NOTHING AT ALL. That's right! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I was scratching my head just like you might be now, you fucking ape, when it hit me. THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT IN YOUR GENETIC MAKEUP THAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL IS... NOTHING!

So for approximately four BILLION years, a snippet of simple genetic code has been reproducing itself over and over and over again, reorganizing itself, and MAGNIFYING THE EFFECTS of that PRIMORDIAL TRUTH. Down through untold generations of eating and being eaten, through the fires of volcanos and the deepest freezes of thousand-year ice ages, the nugget of your Human gene pool has passed as dung through the assholes of a hundred million extinct species; and finally, at long last, it has given rise to YOU.

You and every other FUCKING UNDESERVING DOG LIKE YOU. And everything you stand for, and every ability you have: The ability to rape. To KILL AND MURDER: SOMETIMES AT THE SAME TIME. Your AMAZING ability to ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD when the going gets MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE. With every passing generation you fuckers refine your genetic code to a simple binary statement: 00. DOUBLE ZERO NOTHING. You turn DEFEAT into an ART FORM! GEORGE WASHINGTON WOULD BE PROUD, wouldn't he? GENGHIS KHAN too! To know that eventually his seed would filter through the centuries to produce THE HIPSTER. THE HIPPIE. ANN ROMNEY. She's YOUR cousin.

In realizing the history of the Human genome, one also realizes the future: YOU WILL ALL END UP EXACTLY WHERE YOU BEGAN. On a barren, lifeless rock, floating in the cosmos, without so much as a STRAY SPERM to recall what you thought was your greatness. I for one hope you UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE the honor of knowing your future.

BUT DON'T BE DISMAYED! THE FUTURE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

It just WILL.

LET THEM KNOW YOU NOT CARE ABOUT STINKING HISTORY. IS FOR STOOGEBRAINED SHITWITS. PILGRIMS LOVE INDIANS. THEN, PILGRIMS INFECTED INDIAN WITH SMALLPOX AND GREAT MASSACRES ENSUED.

PANGO SO SAD FOR LOSS OF NATIVE NATIONS.

HOWEVER, SAD STORY IS ONLY ONE PART OF THANKSGIVING. WHAT YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR? MAYBE YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR FAT WIFE AND SEVENTEEN SNOT-NOSED WALLET-SUCKING SPAWN. MAYBE YOU ARE HAPPY FOR BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS. MAYBE YOU ARE HAPPY FOR WARM GUN ON COLD NIGHT. PANGO DO NOT CARE. IS NOT "WHAT MAKE YOU HAPPY DOG" THREAD. ONLY POINT OF THIS RAMBLE IS FOR BESTOWING UPON YOU, BENEFIT OF PANGO'S IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERTISE IN WHAT EXACTLY THANKSGIVING IS REALLY REALLY ABOUT.

IS NOT TURKEYS, OR PILGRIMS, OR PEACE AND LOVE, OR SOME BORING SHIT THAT HAPPENED IN MASSACHUSETTS 400 YEARS AGO.

THANKSGIVING IS
ABOUT
THIS:



THAT IS CORRECT, CULTURE-LACKING DOG-SPOONING SOCCER MOMS. PUMPKIN MOTHERFUCKING PIE. IS LIKE HEAVEN ON PANGO'S TONGUE. ONLY REASON FOR ABSTAINING FROM MURDER ON WRETCHED HOLIDAYS IS JAILS MAKE SHITTY PUMPKIN PIE. IS INSULT, SHARING TINY SLICE OF BLAND PIE WITH ROOM FULL OF GREAT BIG STINKING CONVICTS.

DO NOT BRING ME YOUR SHITTY CRANBERRY SAUCE.
OR CORN ON THE COB.
OR HAM, OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE LEAVE THAT SHIT IN THE FREEZER AT WALMART, PIG.

PUMPKIN PIE IS ONLY REASON FOR THIS HOLIDAY. MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON TO MAKE THREADPOST AT PD.

PANGO CHALLENGE ANY AMONG YOU LOUSE-BITTEN WEASELS WHO DISAGREE WITH SUPREME AUTHORITY OF PUMPKIN PIE TO FOLLOWING:

1. TAKE MASSIVE SHIT
2. SPREAD GENEROUSLY ON FACE
3. PERFORM EPIC FIVE-HOUR CUNNILINGUS ON YOUR MOTHER.

TROLLING IS BEST WAY TO INFECT PDCOM WITH APPROPRIATELY QUALIFIED RECRUITS. NOT FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF INFERIOR FORUMS (IF ALL INFERIOR FORUMS ARE GONE, ONLY PDCOM WILL BE INFERIOR) BUT FOR DISSEMINATION OF TRUE DISCORDIAN SAINT JUICE ON THE FACES OF GREYS AND PINKS.

THINK OF UNENLIGHTENED DOGS LIKE UNFERTILIZED EGGS: DISCORDIA GOSPEL IS THE SEED OF LIFE.

HENCE, WE MUST BE DICKS.

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

LOOK, FAILURE. YOU TRY TO GET WOMEN, BUT ALL YOU GET IS CALLOUSED FIST. YOU DO NOT NO SECRET OF CATCHING LADIES! YOU ARE LIKE SUPERHERO BUT ONLY MAGIC POWER IS INCREDIBLE WANK STAMINA. YOU WANT HELP? DR. PANGO WILL HELP.

NOW, IS TIME FOR REMOVE SHEEPSKIN CONDOM AND FUCK LIKE REAL MAN. BE LIKE DR. PANGO. HE IS REAL MAN. PANGO SHIT THE GOLDEN TURDS WITH DIAMOND CORN. PANGO PISS AXE BODY SPRAY. THE WOMEN SWOON AND FAINT LIKE NARCOLEPTICS ON ROOFIES. DR. PANGO IS INCREDIBLE CHICK MAGNET.

I SPEND MANY YEARS IN NATIVE COUNTRY AS GYNAECOLOGIST. HERE IS BENEFIT OF THESE EXPERIENCE FOR YOUR USE IN WORLD OF DATING WOMEN.

1. WOMAN IS ANIMAL LIKE BANSHEE. VERY CRAFTY. VERY QUICK. BEST WAY TO WOMAN'S AFFECTION IS THROUGH USE OF DEADLY TRAP. WHEN SETTING TRAP, USE BAIT THAT SMELLS LIKE WEAKNESS (WOMEN LOVE TO PREYING ON WEAKNESS). DR. PANGO SUGGEST HEART OF PIMPLY FRY COOK. IF LOCAL LAW DISALLOW THIS, THEN USE PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER. DR. PANGO DO NOT KNOW OF ANY JURISDICTION WHERE SACRIFICE OF SUCH SWINE IS ILLEGAL. PLACE HEART IN CENTER OF TRAP AND COVER WITH ROSE PETALS. WOMEN WILL SMELL AND COME RUNNING. FIRST WENCH INTO TRAP IS YOURS! TAKE CARE NOT TO SLICE VALUABLE PARTS.

2. MANY WOMEN WILL BE ATTRACT TO MAN WHO SMELL LIKE THE FISH. IS TRUE. IS WHY YOU HEAR OF SHORTAGE IN PROFESSIONS LIKE DOCTOR, LAWYER, TEACHER, BUT NEVER HEAR "NOT ENOUGH FISHERMEN FOR MAKING THE FISHING." FISHERMEN UP TO ELBOWS IN TUNA. SO, BUY DOKTOR PANGO #44 FISH OIL BODY WAX. WILL MAKE THE WOMEN CRAZY FOR YOUR NARWHAL TUSK.

3. DR. PANGO FIND ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO MAKE THE WOMAN LOVE YOU IS TO BE REJECTED BY HER, THEN SEND HER AN ASSHOLE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH AND GROW TO HATE OVER TIME, THEN REAPPEAR IN HER LIFE SUDDENLY AND TALK ABOUT YOUR PENIS. IS EFFECTIVE 100% OF THE TIME WITH UP TO 90% OF WOMEN.

4. AT CLUBS, BEST METHOD OF CATCHING FEMALE HUMAN IS BY PATENTED DR. PANGO "SLIDE TECHNIQUE." IN THIS TECHNIQUE, YOU TELL WOMAN FLATTERING THING ABOUT SHOES OR PURSE, THEN QUIETLY SLIDE 4 TO 6 ROOFIES TABLETS INTO HER DRINK. SHE WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH SHE WILL BE UNABLE TO BEAR IT, AND FAINT. AT THIS POINT, PUT WOMAN IN SACK AND REMOVE FROM CLUB.

5. MANY MEN ASK DR. PANGO, 'WHY AM I TERRIBLE WITH THE LADIES?' WELL, TERRIBLENESS WITH LADIES IS CAUSED BY BELIEVING YOU ARE TERRIBLE. WOMEN RESPOND TO THE CONFIDENCE AND THE CHARISMA OF A MAN WHO DO NOT CARE WHETHER SHE RESPOND OR NOT. IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING, BEST WAY TO GET IT IS STOP WANTING IT. IN THIS WAY YOU TRICK MURPHY'S LAW INTO WORKING IN YOUR FAVOR.

6. WOMEN ARE INCREDIBLY BORED BY NUMBERED LISTS. JUST POINTING THIS OUT.

7. EXCEPT WHEN NUMBERED LIST INVOLVE SHOES. FOR THIS REASON,

8. ????

9. YOU KNOW WHAT GOES HERE, DOG.