Hi everyone,
I'm Mangrove and I'm dead now. Hah! I always wanted to say that. Seeing as I'm on 'the other side' now, I thought I should write and let you all know what was going on.
At first, I was kind of surprised to be dead but, when I realized that there would be no more seasonal allergies I was pretty pleased. Especially when you take into account my legendary polystyrene proboscis. I was similarly glad to not have tension headaches from sitting at the computer for too long. And get this - I'm not scared of dying! That's a plus.
I'm settling in to my new environment. Got to see Mang-dog. She's doing fine now that she doesn't have cancer anymore. I don't have to take her out to pee a thousand times a day which is a bonus. The steroids did strange things to her bladder.
So, get this - there's an astral plane! Now it's really a lot more ordinary than it sounds. All those new age types really played this shit up for the last 120 years or so. Basically, it's just like closing your eyes and you notice all the colours or shapes bumbling around. No biggie.
What I can tell you with certainty, is that there's no fucking 'Astral Pillars'. The idea that a metaphysical concept needed some type of physical architecture is totally retarded and it would make my head explode if I still had one. The thing is though, there's no pillars, unless you want them to be there. Same goes for God, the Devil, angels or 72 virigins.
This plane of consciousness is tricky, sticky & elastic. It takes on whatever you impress upon it. Not only that, it has a tendency to reproduce your thoughts so you keep having them over and over. Worse still, is that it will multiply them in various ways, so that you get 10,000 different varieties of the same thought. You gotta be really careful about what you plant here because it's a fertile ground that gives back everything you put into it with interest. And it's a law of nature, so it really doesn't care whether you think it's fair or not because it works from the assumption that you always want more of the same. I'm learning to be a lot more selective about what I'll let form there.
The Jesus freaks are funny because they keep crashing into 38 different species of Jesus. Black Jesus, white Jesus, Jesus in pain, Jesus happy, Jesus naked, Jesus with clothes, Jesus who's celebate, Jesus that's banging Magadelene. We got 'em all and a lot more beside! Jesus! Jesus! Get your fresh hot Jesus! There's going to be hell to pay when all the Jesus' start bumping into all the Mohammeds.....it's only a matter of time.
Ok, I gotta go. Turns out I can totally spy on people in the shower. If I leave now I might be able to catch J-Lo....
Mangrove
:mittens:
Moar, oh ghostly one!
:scared:
g-g-g-g-ghosts?? in my PD?
IT'S WAY SCARIER THAN YOU THINK!!
dear ghostgrove,
now that you're tripping the astral, I've got a question for you ---
this morning I was stuck in traffic,
wiggling my moustache at some poor bored fogey who caught a glimpse of me in stop-and-go passing,
and I got this weird sensation, this
distinct impression that there was no me,
no him,
just one big ocean with lots of swirling crap and all
the water particles pushing on each other going OM
so I had to wonder if this kind of revelation, this universality, was a
subjective
kind of epiphany
-- like seeing god in a waffle or something
and what do you think?
Dear Mang,
Glad to hear it's such a trip out there! Sounds like fun, but you'll excuse me if I don't rush to join you.
:mittens:
Hey Everyone,
Whoooo oooooooo!!!! [chain rattle sound effects]
Just kidding. I think Charles Dickens made all that stuff up because I've not seen or heard any chains around here.
So, I've been thinking and this is what I've figured out. Love your body. Enjoy it, appreciate it & look after it the best you possibly can and here's why:
People spend inordinate amounts of time hating their bodies. They're too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too white, not white enough. Too much ass, not enough ass, big boobs, small boobs, straight hair, curly hair. Nose is the wrong shape, wrong size, in the wrong place (!?).
Well, guess what? When you don't have a body any more you will think about nothing else and you would give everything to have one again.Suddenly, all those complaints and 'imperfections' you obsessed about for years will be for nought. Some of the residents here want their old bodies back like you wouldn't believe. Ever driven through the crack neighbourhood of your nearest urban centre? Yeah, kind of like that.
See, what you have to understand is that your body is not 'a work in progress'. You don't really ever get 'finished' where you can say 'hey, I'm all done, I'm happy!' Don't believe me? Go ask Joan Rivers. Swing by Melanie Griffith's place while you're at it.
Actually, your body is a work in progress. But it's not a progress or a process that you have any permanent or lasting control over. It's dissipating and it'll keep on doing so until it's all reabsorbed back to nature and you're over here hanging out with me. So for chrissakes, don't waste so much time bitching about it! Your body is a deep sea diving suit for your consciousness to experience the plane of matter. Get out there and fucking explore something already because either way, you go back to the ship or run out of air - so make it count.
Ok, gotta go. They're shooting a new show for John Edward. I wanna go see if I can pass myself off as someone's 'grampy'.....
I'm ghost baby,
Mangrove.
P.S.
Life imitates art.
Yesterday, Mrs Mang' picked me up from work. She had a print out of an e-mail. It was typed by my late Grandmother (to Mrs Mang) on my dad's computer in Nov 2005 and was never sent. In it, she's 91 years old and getting ready for Xmas.
Weird.
Hey everyone,
I would've contacted you before now, but I got snagged into this really terrible seance. I was talking to what I can only describe as a 'clump' of ex-people and somehow got stuck to them. We were dragged down into the material world by a grieving relative who crossed some hack's palm with silver.
So there I am in a dingy apartment in Long Island. I thought perhaps the place was partially obscured from my sight owing to the opacity The Veil tm, but then I realized it was just dirt. I knew next to nothing about this family and the psychic kept insisting that I was Cousin Louie. Naturally, none of my answers panned out as being accurate. I was just making stuff up to pass the time.
Still, that's not what I wanted to talk about. The big news here on the Astral is I bumped into a Buddha. I can't be sure if it was THE Buddha. All I can say is that he was Asian, bald & rotund. He had some interesting thoughts about Karma which, it turns out is real also.
When he finally cut out all the Sanskrit crap and laid it on the line, he said:
"Karma? Well, that's real easy. If you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting."
He also threw in a few 'no man's an island's too. He got that from one of the Shakespeares.
Gotta go. Sometimes I pretend I'm called 'Francine'. I like to make up dumb shit and tell it to Sylvia Browne.
Later,
Ghostgrove
Quote from: Mangrove on May 13, 2010, 06:46:09 PM
Hey everyone,
I would've contacted you before now, but I got snagged into this really terrible seance. I was talking to what I can only describe as a 'clump' of ex-people and somehow got stuck to them. We were dragged down into the material world by a grieving relative who crossed some hack's palm with silver.
So there I am in a dingy apartment in Long Island. I thought perhaps the place was partially obscured from my sight owing to the opacity The Veil tm, but then I realized it was just dirt. I knew next to nothing about this family and the psychic kept insisting that I was Cousin Louie. Naturally, none of my answers panned out as being accurate. I was just making stuff up to pass the time.
Still, that's not what I wanted to talk about. The big news here on the Astral is I bumped into a Buddha. I can't be sure if it was THE Buddha. All I can say is that he was Asian, bald & rotund. He had some interesting thoughts about Karma which, it turns out is real also.
When he finally cut out all the Sanskrit crap and laid it on the line, he said:
"Karma? Well, that's real easy. If you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting."
He also threw in a few 'no man's an island's too. He got that from one of the Shakespeares.
Gotta go. Sometimes I pretend I'm called 'Francine'. I like to make up dumb shit and tell it to Sylvia Browne.
Later,
Ghostgrove
:lulz:
I sharted.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 13, 2010, 07:00:03 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on May 13, 2010, 06:46:09 PM
Hey everyone,
I would've contacted you before now, but I got snagged into this really terrible seance. I was talking to what I can only describe as a 'clump' of ex-people and somehow got stuck to them. We were dragged down into the material world by a grieving relative who crossed some hack's palm with silver.
So there I am in a dingy apartment in Long Island. I thought perhaps the place was partially obscured from my sight owing to the opacity The Veil tm, but then I realized it was just dirt. I knew next to nothing about this family and the psychic kept insisting that I was Cousin Louie. Naturally, none of my answers panned out as being accurate. I was just making stuff up to pass the time.
Still, that's not what I wanted to talk about. The big news here on the Astral is I bumped into a Buddha. I can't be sure if it was THE Buddha. All I can say is that he was Asian, bald & rotund. He had some interesting thoughts about Karma which, it turns out is real also.
When he finally cut out all the Sanskrit crap and laid it on the line, he said:
"Karma? Well, that's real easy. If you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting."
He also threw in a few 'no man's an island's too. He got that from one of the Shakespeares.
Gotta go. Sometimes I pretend I'm called 'Francine'. I like to make up dumb shit and tell it to Sylvia Browne.
Later,
Ghostgrove
:lulz:
I sharted.
:D More to come. Your RIP Mangrove thread set off a whole series of ideas. I think in the next letter I will tackle Catholicism....
QuoteIf you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting.
I need to translate this to cuniform or something and have it tatooed on my forearm.
Quote from: LMNO on May 13, 2010, 08:45:38 PM
QuoteIf you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting.
I need to translate this to cuniform or something and have it tatooed on my forearm.
http://www.calligraphylearn.com/cuneiform-alphabet.html
Thread delivers!
:mittens:
Loving this so far. I hope you keep going.
Quote from: Iason Ouabache on May 17, 2010, 08:02:16 AM
:mittens:
Loving this so far. I hope you keep going.
I've got more ideas in the works. Next two will be Purgatory & Reincarnation (I think).
Whoa, I just picked up on this the first time, RIGHT HERE!!! In the bathroom. And I have to say I've never had so much enlightment going in as I did coming out. Please, I wholeheartedly urge you to keep going.
synchronicites continue--last night the wife and I had a sort of long drawn out discussion about the body and how it's falling apart while we were watching Joan Rivers hang out in some multi-millionaire's house who made it rich by selling little doggie "Wee Wee" pads on which dogs may urinate. Something, in rather dismal retrospect, may have helped you out with Mang-Dog.
So please keep going, This morning, it seems, I'm quite awake. :)
Life imitates art #2.
The same day I posted the 'meeting with buddha', my parents arrived. The brought with them pictures they took in Hong Kong and some gifts. Mrs Mang' got a jade necklace, I got a little hanging thing with stone buddhas on them.
forsooth!
careful for what you seek, it may be closer than you think :evil:
eris be ye salvation i eris be truth
say open your eyes let not discord kill the earth
not one who knows not eris, is not one who doesn't know
save mind full of poison, 'tis not a crime to love
Quote from: zarathustrasbastardson on May 18, 2010, 12:26:21 AM
forsooth!
careful for what you seek, it may be closer than you think :evil:
eris be ye salvation i eris be truth
say open your eyes let not discord kill the earth
not one who knows not eris, is not one who doesn't know
save mind full of poison, 'tis not a crime to love
err....
okay.
Sorry, Post-mortem Mang, you were saying?
Quote from: Burns on May 20, 2010, 03:11:24 PM
Sorry, Post-mortem Mang, you were saying?
Back soon.
Plus the lame dada post gave me a great idea.
:lulz:
Hey everyone,
So, I was hanging out the one of the Buddhas and happened to make a snarky comment about Catholicism. The Buddha interupted me and said "No, Mang...that's not cool. You don't know what you're talking about!"
Naturally, I was surprised that the pleasantly plump enlightened one would have anything in common with the Vatican. The Buddha grabbed my arm and dragged me off shouting "Johhny P! We gotta go find Johhny P!!"
Moments later we found Johhny P. He was sat at a desk with his feet resting upon it, showing off his brand new pair of custom Dr Marten boots. In front of him lay a spread of tarot cards. He was snacking on some Kielbasa which he held between his fingers like a cigar. Not only was it his lunch, he would also gesture with it to emphasize a point.
Johhny P lowered his head so he could peer at me over the top of his aviator shades. "So, Mang....Chubby Checker here has told me that you've been ripping on my doctrines." I was starting to feel nervous and out of my depth.
"You see, Mang. It's now very easy to diss the Catholic church. I'm not saying that we didn't do anything do deserve it over the centuries because..yeah, I admit...we made some mistakes. Trouble is, not only do people on the outside not understand, I'm not convinced many people on the inside really get what this gig is about.
For instance, let's take Purgatory. Now, purgatory you see, is not a place but a process. No one ever actually 'goes to purgatory. I don't know why people are so hung up on that. I blame Dante to be honest with you. Anyway, purgatory is about letting go. Purgatory or the purgation is about things being stripped away. What, you may ask, is being stripped away? The answer my boy, is this - whatever is not essential.
Picture this. You're standing outside your house in the driveway and in your hand is a bag of garbage. Some guy comes from beside you, grabs the bag, throws it into an awaiting truck and drives off. At this point you've got two choices. You can bitch & moan....maybe you'll even call the cops and complain about how some asshole ran off with your bag of inessentials. Or maybe, you just might realize he did you a favor.
You can either throw it away or you can have it taken from you. The bottom line is that you don't get to keep what is inessential. That is purgatory.
Ok...now get outta here...I gotta finish this reading."
We took our leave. As we headed back to the 3rd heaven, Buddha got a text from Krishna. "Mang', pick up the pace! I've arranged a meeting with Tha Smurf!"
Back soon,
Mangrove
PS Bummer. Ghost Whisperer got cancelled. Btw, Jennifer Love Hewitt's psychic powers leave much to be desired. She hasn't once yet noticed me twanging her brastrap.
HAHAHA
:mittens:
Hey everyone,
Well, it certainly has been a weird week. The Buddha got me an appointment with who he likes to call 'The Smurf' but is known to millions of Hindus as 'Krishna'.
When I arrived at the rendezvous point he was sitting under a tree surrounded by beautiful women. They were watching a movie on one of those portable laptop DVD players.
"Avatar!?? AVATAR!??? I'll show you a fucking avatar!!"
He produced a small wooden flute and blasted a few shrill notes causing the DVD player to shatter. The crowd of scantily dressed women became nervous and drifted away, leaving me along with India's favorite blue deity.
"Mangrove! Fat Boy told me you were on the way over. Now, sit down so we can talk. By the way, don't rent that Avatar movie...it's just full of CGI and historical inaccuracies."
I asked him what he thought about reincarnation. He flashed this big cheesy grin with his eyes sparkling with an impish delight.
"You see Mang', all you Western types keep arguing about the afterlife. In fact, before you even do that, you first argue if there is an afterlife at all and the ones who think there is, then argue about how it should work.
Of those who think there is, you argue about whether there are ghosts or whether there's reincarnation. Some of you will argue that it must be the one or the other while others disagree and say that you could conceive of both being true.
Well, let me tell you something. Reincarnation is not something you do after you die. Why you ask? Think upon this. When you were incarnate, there wasn't a cell in your body that was more than 7 years old. Even a ninety year old crone in a nursing home has the bones of a seven year old! The trouble is that the regeneration process isn't quite so hot at that stage, but the regeneration takes place nonetheless.
When you were incarnate, most of your body consisted of water. The water you drank was made from hydrogen and oxygen. The very same hydrogen and oxygen that was formed when the Lord Shiva opened his eye some 14 billion years ago.
The sun shone down upon the Earth giving energy to the plants; that were eaten by the animals that were eaten by you. The protein you absorbed, some of that helped patch up the muscle you tore playing basketball with the neighborhood kids.
No Mangrove, you don't die and reincarnate. In fact, there really is nothing else."
Right gotta go. Every summer I like to follow T.A.P.S around the country and haunt all the houses they visit.
Ghostgrove
:mittens:
Great read.
Coming soon - Mang's letter from the afterlife, ultimate blasphemy edition!!
Available for pre-order from SSOOKN thread bumping division.