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1
Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: July 20, 2022, 10:53:09 pm »
The question is if she'll be properly armed to deal with us, really.

Still, exciting!

2
Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: July 20, 2022, 01:21:38 am »
Tina is amazing.

3
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: July 15, 2022, 10:13:04 pm »
This month has become bizarrely good for me.

Yay!

Yay indeed! And to continue the Yay, in a couple hours, I'm going to go start a weekend of kinky shit in a hotel with a completely platonic friend I love dearly. Glad to see you're alive, we haven't spoken in awhile, send me a hello sometime on Discord!

4
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: July 02, 2022, 09:03:58 am »
So, it's been awhile. Time for an update.

This month has been garbage for the world. I've resigned myself to being genocided. This doesn't mean I'm not going out with a bang. This month has become bizarrely good for me.

I found True Love (though the other parties seem unsure, it's what it feels like to me at least so whatever I'm going to go with it for now). I became a dom and learned hypnosis on LITERALLY this past Tuesday night so I could take them to a dream place and exist as a horrific nightmare engine that puppeteers them around (and we both love it -- it's like I erase 150 miles and literally drag their soul directly into my mind). I also learned how to flirt and I make all the bottoms swoon and gibber and beg for more now, which is good because I'm polyamorous now. Yes, I am both relentlessly sexy and relentlessly sexual these days: progesterone has indeed given me great tits, but it's also given me the libido of a pent-up teenager crossed with an Adelie penguin during mating season.

But it's not all deranged degenerate sex shit! No, some of it is deranged degenerate platonic friendship shit where I feel like I'm legitimately supporting my friends on bad days instead of letting them down, and I trust them to have my back. Also everyone I talk to on a daily basis now literally conceives of me as a horrifying aberration of cosmic laws instead of a human, and that's the part they LIKE. (Okay sure they also like the tits and the hardcore flirting but LISTEN: no one who I respect in the least ever said I can't have it all.) Beyond that, I've fully given in to the positive parts of my BPD and I let myself feel deep and passionate love for my platonic friends now instead of constantly worrying about being a creepy weirdo motherfucker.

And aside from interpersonal shit: I have my first piece of jewelry (the Quake logo, made out of steel and iron scrap bound together with wire and leather cord). HRT inexplicably made me stronger (this should be impossible). I have an axe and people find that hot. My singing is improving to an absurd degree (ordinary true-voice phonation singing, fry screams and false-chord screams alike! also my fry gutturals can shake the garbage cans outside when I'm really feeling it). I've learned about trans surgeries that actually appeal to me (again, no one ever said I can't have it all). I think I can manage to crowdfund replacing my teeth with implants so I can have stainless steel teeth and no more terrifying dental problems. My dietary needs have dropped to "human" instead of "tungsten-casting blast furnace". I might be getting ADHD medication soon. With ADHD medication comes jobhunting with the name of Curse, which I have finally fully realized permanently bars me from customer service work -- and thank god.

Oh yeah, and I'm converting to Judaism. No, really, I'm serious. And it doesn't have anything to do with my friend group or the cute plural system I'm hypnotizing. No, it has to do with making personal decisions for my life and a transfem musician who I have become friends with and got a crush on (but it isn't related in any of the ways you think!).

So, you know, this month has been a fucking LOT for me.

5
Apple Talk / Re: Spagbook
« on: June 26, 2022, 10:04:08 pm »
I have gotten both Fat and Hot As Fuck, and I drive all the transbians and lesboys wild now. Also, I have the coolest pendant ever (because I'm a huge edgy nerd and I love Quake 1).


6
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 22, 2022, 09:13:26 am »
My ramen detonation had mysterious causes, being as it was uncontained and under atmospheric pressure. (My theory is that a piece of metal had gotten into the noodles.)

Yours sounds more spectacular, more damaging, and with a greater amount of preparation required. As befits your stature.

7
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 07:14:38 am »
If it's like what happened with my ramen, it turned to dust and smoke. There was a hole in the porcelain bowl.

8
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 06:35:05 am »
Yeah, happened to me back in about November. I got lucky and am unscathed. I treat ramen with due respect these days. Was it the semi-fancy Nongshim stuff that got you, too?

FTR, I'm not riffing or joking, I'm glad you're mostly okay because I have genuinely seen this happen firsthand (at a fair distance).

9
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 19, 2022, 12:02:57 am »
With all the hateful shit, I'm moving away from Chicago as soon as my therapy and ADHD diagnosis/medication hit a point I feel confident in. It's not that Chicago is bad, it's that Chicago doesn't have enough trans density.

The PNW has some Issues with the White Queers (you know the fucking type) and a saturation of queer abusers, not to mention all the fucking neo-Nazis, but there's enough queer people that I would actually feel safe. If something Bad happened I'd feel like there'd be people around who would step the fuck up. And I wouldn't be minimum 150 miles from everyone I love in the process, or surrounded by young assimilationist queers (Chicago has SO MUCH assimilationist bullshit in its queer community it makes me sick) if I find a cluster of queer people at all.

10
Aneristic Illusions / Miranda rights? Nah.
« on: June 16, 2022, 02:52:43 pm »

11
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 05, 2022, 03:20:21 am »
Last update for awhile, probably.

Not many people are so lucky as to have become friends with one of their favorite musicians, have a crush on that friend that was not reciprocated but brought you both closer, and look to each other for support and care on particularly rough days. Hell, you can take the "favorite musician" part out of that and still have a sincerely rare situation. The fact that I loved this person's music before we ever spoke makes it all the more fucking wild.

I don't really fan-girl over artists, I just see them as people. So it took me forever to realize that I am basically living some 15-year-old's fucking dream: you talk to your favorite musician, and it becomes through shared experience and compatible personality one of your dearest friends.

My life is just so fucking weird. I barely scrape by on subsistence by cyberbegging, but I feel genuinely fulfilled emotionally on good days, when the perspective lines up just right to let me see my life from the outside and realize there are maybe a couple hundred thousand people, worldwide, who can say that they have what I have in some areas. I might be constantly dodging the reaper, but I am free like few others.

12
Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: June 02, 2022, 03:45:44 am »
Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

13
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 02, 2022, 02:35:48 am »
On a positive note, while I have been unexpectedly single since the 27th or so (person I was dating decided she didn't need another relationship, but we're still friends), I think I already have caught the interest of an older transfem? I wasn't trying for this. And I've gotten a lot of, hm, respectfully-lewd remarks on photos of me, fully clothed (often layered up, even), holding weapons and making ugly or threatening faces. I wasn't trying for that, either.

Yeah, it's... it's something.

Also, and relatedly: for the first time in a long time I'm around people who think to reach out to /me/ every day. People who feel sad when I'm not around, and who make a point of saying so.

It's really weird being actively /wanted/. Not just tolerated, expected, or even appreciated. Personally requested /in particular/. With regularity. DMs saying, "hey, come hang out." Intentionally sought out by people for the happiness I bring to them.

Even my relationships have tended towards passive appreciation of me at best, so this is completely alien. Positive, I think. I fucking hope. But it still feels totally bizarre.

14
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 02, 2022, 01:13:27 am »
Before you read further: I am not asking for shit.

It's just fucking infuriating that I can't even get a red fucking cent for something like "purchasing medication," "buying food that won't kill me," or "having more than two fucking changes of clothes" on Pride Month. Same shit on TDOV, same shit on my birthday, same shit every time I try to crowdfund beyond the ONE SINGULAR PERSON keeping my ass conscious and reasonably safe, because I hate that I'm putting a THOUSAND fucking dollars on THEM EXCLUSIVELY every single goddamn month.

Just. Fuck. It enrages me how "support these trans people!" stops as soon as it comes to me. Yeah, sure, I get it... No reach into networks that actually have money to throw around, only a small network of my own, no name recognition, my best brand is being a fucking menace ... I get how it happened like this, it just makes me so fucking mad -- especially! when I remember that right now, I'm one of the fucking lucky ones. It's such bullshit that I know there are people with even less support than I have and meanwhile millionaire influencer trans women are getting thrown even more fucking money that they'll spend on ad buys and new costumes to wear while they stream politics debates with cryptofascists on Twitch or ratio bigots on Twitter as if these are things that are even capable of being valuable in any way instead of just continuing to platform hateful ideologies in new, less obvious ways.

I just fucking hate it here sometimes.

15
Or Kill Me / Violence
« on: June 01, 2022, 08:25:16 am »
Some things are things no one deserves to go through.

A relatively new friend of mine opened up tonight about possibly the most horrific case of abuse I have ever heard of happening to someone I personally knew. I've been through some shit. My friends have been through some shit. It does not compare. The derangement of someone who would do what was described to me is beyond belief, and it is only because this man did not technically break any laws that he will not wind up in prison. Which isn't fucking fair when innocent people go to jail for smoking a fucking joint.

What happened is not my story to tell. She entrusted it to me and I will not violate that trust. But the violence she endured, despite not having a fucking mark on her, is inhuman. I am a connoisseur of the terrible, and it shocked me. I grew up reading Les Chants de Maldoror and watching Alien, and I think a book written about this fucking madness, a movie made of someone doing this, would make de Sade or Cronenberg say "whoa, that's too fucking far".



Some people lose their access to membership in humanity and the consideration due a human being, in my mind.

It's a bad thought to have. One of my core foundational beliefs is that people fucking matter. They are important. You keep them in mind when you perform an act. You do something to help as many people as you possibly can. But I can't shake it: some people deserve none of that. Through their actions, their words, their beliefs, they have looked at the concept of the Golden Rule, and they have deemed it "nah, I'm good."

I should be able to muster up some kind of sympathy, but I just mutter imprecations, incantations, and promises of violence. My hatred for their actions overrides their personhood. They become meat to me, and meat is made to be cut, beaten, and burned. And despite feeling the dissonance between these attributes of myself, I feel that this is correct and just. I do not regret these feelings. I don't consider them unhealthy. I treat them as a mark of personal excellence. "No matter how bad I think I am, I know I am better than this. I know this person will always be beneath me."



I am a gleaming, biomechanical skull grinning in the dying light of a black hole's accretion disc.

A second effect of these people's actions and my inherent feeling that people matter is that as I am exposed to terrible people, I remove my self-concept and identity further and further from humanity. I respect its institutions and social technologies less and less. I grow distant. I willingly pass into exile.

A part of my monstrous identity, it is true, is a reaction to being told that I am subhuman by those who would see me killed. "Is that so? As you wish. You will regret this choice." But a part of it is maintaining an ontological distance from people whose actions I find inconceivable. It offends me that I share a category with them at all. And I reframe my identity as a grim reflection of them. They are outwardly human, inwardly rotten -- I am slithering in the marshes with noisome, boneless limbs but I have a human heart to pump the syrupy black ichor in my arteries. A human mind, which for all its faults, loves and cares for and intends to protect people.

And looking over all of this, in a way, their violence to others cuts me too.



There are only endings.

I wish death on terrible people, and I do not feel bad. I harm them as much as I can within the boundaries of the law, and I sleep peacefully. Justice is not real. It's a fantasy. Abusers and manipulators and godless fucking architects of pain dwell at every elevation and find a way to destroy innocent people. No matter their station, the majority of them will never see comeuppance or repayment of any form, let alone enough to balance those fucking scales. Justice is a fucking joke. What I do isn't about justice. It's about violence.

I am a violent person. Not a dangerous person, but a violent one -- the distinction is important. I analyze my enemy and I hit them where they'll feel it. I create suffering. I do it on purpose. I do it exceedingly well. But my harm is self-limiting: the door is always unlocked, if they but try the knob. And my harm is reflexive: I escalate fast, but there is always cause and effect. And I am a violent person because all around me are violent people, doing violence to me and the people I love. The only ways to survive when weapons are trained on you is to be too scary to fuck with or to do unto them first.

What I do is about violence, because it's the only way I can keep my loved ones safe. It's the path of least total harm: to maximize the harm to specific targets in short bursts. Justice is, it is true, fake. But violence, in its infinite forms, is so very real.

This vile, small, unworthy man and his unspeakable actions reminded me tonight just how violent I really am.

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