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(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/60c816fa-b254-49ba-a4ee-db26adcc80a9/d4x46pw-a552b658-d99f-4545-9b8d-f6d3fdb184a5.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3sicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvNjBjODE2ZmEtYjI1NC00OWJhLWE0ZWUtZGIyNmFkY2M4MGE5XC9kNHg0NnB3LWE1NTJiNjU4LWQ5OWYtNDU0NS05YjhkLWY2ZDNmZGIxODRhNS5qcGcifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6ZmlsZS5kb3dubG9hZCJdfQ.fiWGDBIlLR4V8Je_J2sQgGk-SmHZxssfLCeWIUaPGbg)
Ahh, come in, come in! Welcome to the Spinning Skull Inn & Tavern! I'm surprised you found it, given that it doesn't have a sign, only a pixelated, spinning skull. We're the last friendly house on the road to Blood Gargle Canyon, so you'd better get your comforts while you can.
Pull up a stool. We have Dwine, Ale, Haunted Spirits, and a mead brewed with precious gemstones which we call Dragon Cum. Have a drink and describe your heaving breasts, maybe tell me a bit of your sexy back story. Are you on some adventure right now? *leans in closer* Do you want to be? *wink*
(https://media.giphy.com/media/KOV8VtCjgRK5q/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/KOV8VtCjgRK5q/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/KOV8VtCjgRK5q/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/KOV8VtCjgRK5q/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/KOV8VtCjgRK5q/giphy.gif)
Put out a big wide basin of old milk. I am Fraudulence. I have no home, I am a Beggar-Knight of Eris Militant. You might have heard of my ventures, mutating the innocent and unsuspecting into rampant, delirious many-headed freaks from the meat-painted palaces of Elgym to the Weird Shores of Goroth.
I'm cursed to be a bad omen, and the calamitous twin stars of Damocles's Sword and The Other Shoe hang over my head.
I'm here to stink up your bar and disgust your customers into leaving.
Listen, I want that milk chunky, you hear? And that basin had better be a damn bird bath. I have to soak my ass in it.
*looks you in the eye as he slowly pours chunky milk into a chalice. The warm milk makes semi-liquid plip-plop sounds as it splashes into the basin.*
"A curse, ye say? Well I know of only one way to cure a curse. It's to go into the Dank Forest, on a new moon, armed with only a doobie. You must seek out the Weresax.
If you are pure of heart, it will appear as an innocent forest creature. But if you have any doubt, or sin, or alt-right tattoos, you will instead encounter the monster in it's Crinos Form--that of a dire saxaphone!
And oh ho, the hagravens weep for any who run afoul of the dreaded weresax in its Crinos Form."
bellies up to the bar, saggy tiddies distressingly unsupported 'lo barkeep. can i get a, uh, oh what'd you call it, that thing you say is good that you offer? i'm in rough shape. i've been damned by a um. shit whatr- demon! damned by a demon, to be always forgetting what words i need in the uhhhh short period of time when words come out. it's a real.... squints angrily thingy, possibly starts with an H.
Yah, I'll have a mug of whatever they're havin'. *Waves vaguely*.
And a bowl of that--gawd, it smells like a lizard's bunghole. Yah, and a bowl of that lizard-arse stew. Don't be stingy with the meat, hear?
You don't get too many imperial types round here, yah? That suits me fine, just fine. Not that I'm wanted or nothing, just me and them don't get along.
So, how'd you get that skull going like that? Hidden wires, or what? Y'know, lots of things that folk thinks is magic, is just done with wires. Why'd you think them wizards wear them long robes? It's to hide the wires.
Fraudulence drops trou and settles ass directly into the chunky milk.
Ahhhh, there we go. I think you misunderstand, barkeep: this is no hex of witchcraft or 80s music. This is a curse of nature. The very stars themselves are actually overhead, beaming terrible fortune down on my head.
It gives me a hell of a racket as a prophet, since if I stay somewhere long enough all sorts of terrible things are sure to happen. Take this milk: fresh as from a goat's tit after some time soaking my ass in it, but now what do you do with be-arsed milk? You throw it out, no one will drink that. Next, that roof will protect you from a comet, and you won't even have to pay for repairs. Soon people get to talking, and it's all downhill from there.
No, this is a mighty curse. My quest is far simpler: finding honest work, instead of scamming people with false prophecy.
Quote from: Freeky on June 02, 2020, 03:50:09 PM
bellies up to the bar, saggy tiddies distressingly unsupported 'lo barkeep. can i get a, uh, oh what'd you call it, that thing you say is good that you offer? i'm in rough shape. i've been damned by a um. shit whatr- demon! damned by a demon, to be always forgetting what words i need in the uhhhh short period of time when words come out. it's a real.... squints angrily thingy, possibly starts with an H.
*slides a Crystal Pepsi & Coke down the bar - the foamy head sloshes over as you catch the mug*Ah yes, you're not the first to complain of the Harry Potters. They have been terrorizing the roads recently, some say they are ruled by some sinister force or screen actor's guild, hidden deep within the Dank Forest.
A Harry Potter only has like 4 hit points, but mercy, there are a
lot of them. Their danger is their numbers. Be on your guard.
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on June 02, 2020, 03:54:27 PM
Yah, I'll have a mug of whatever they're havin'. *Waves vaguely*.
And a bowl of that--gawd, it smells like a lizard's bunghole. Yah, and a bowl of that lizard-arse stew. Don't be stingy with the meat, hear?
ONE LIZARD ARSE STEW, COMING UP
that will be 41 crumpets
Quote
You don't get too many imperial types round here, yah? That suits me fine, just fine. Not that I'm wanted or nothing, just me and them don't get along.
Nae, the Empire mostly ignores us, as long as we report on the criminals that come through here.
*looks at the wanted poster right next to CNO's head*Hmm.....
Quote from: altered on June 02, 2020, 05:18:38 PM
Fraudulence drops trou and settles ass directly into the chunky milk.
Ahhhh, there we go. I think you misunderstand, barkeep: this is no hex of witchcraft or 80s music. This is a curse of nature. The very stars themselves are actually overhead, beaming terrible fortune down on my head.
It gives me a hell of a racket as a prophet, since if I stay somewhere long enough all sorts of terrible things are sure to happen. Take this milk: fresh as from a goat's tit after some time soaking my ass in it, but now what do you do with be-arsed milk? You throw it out, no one will drink that. Next, that roof will protect you from a comet, and you won't even have to pay for repairs. Soon people get to talking, and it's all downhill from there.
No, this is a mighty curse. My quest is far simpler: finding honest work, instead of scamming people with false prophecy.
ah, I see. Count yourself as lucky that you don't have to tangle with the WERE SAX -- As for work? well, maybe have a gander at THIS
*the bartender hands you a rolled up paper. When you unroll it, you see the words WANTED: DEAD OR ANNOYED, and then a picture of Chaotic-Neutral-Observer. Underneath, it reads "FOR SCAMMING PEOPLE WITH FALSE PROPHECY"*
Fraudulence eyes the paper suspiciously.
Is there meant to be a payout on this? Or is is just volunteer work? I have to eat somehow, barkeep, and people don't take kindly when I turn them into screaming gorgons so I can eat all their snake-hair — stage whispering (it's like meaty spaghetti.)
Besides, there's no way someone this ridiculous looking exists in these lands. That, that there, is like a kobold playing Saint Elvis the Illithid in a third rate production of Little Shop of Vore. This is, no doubt, a prank.
(( :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: ))
A reward?? Oh yeah, that
*the bartender unrolls the paper a little bit further, it reads*
REWARD: 41 CRUMPETS AND A ROOM AT THE SPINNING SKULL INN & TAVERN
oh, hm. Well that's interesting. I guess the Emperor will reimburse me for that...?
well never mind that for now... tonight you'd best keep your sword sharp. And your wits sharper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*the bartender bellows out a belly-laugh which carries on significantly longer than is appropriate*
Quote from: Cramulus on June 02, 2020, 05:29:29 PM
Quote from: Freeky on June 02, 2020, 03:50:09 PM
bellies up to the bar, saggy tiddies distressingly unsupported 'lo barkeep. can i get a, uh, oh what'd you call it, that thing you say is good that you offer? i'm in rough shape. i've been damned by a um. shit whatr- demon! damned by a demon, to be always forgetting what words i need in the uhhhh short period of time when words come out. it's a real.... squints angrily thingy, possibly starts with an H.
*slides a Crystal Pepsi & Coke down the bar - the foamy head sloshes over as you catch the mug*
Ah yes, you're not the first to complain of the Harry Potters. They have been terrorizing the roads recently, some say they are ruled by some sinister force or screen actor's guild, hidden deep within the Dank Forest.
A Harry Potter only has like 4 hit points, but mercy, there are a lot of them. Their danger is their numbers. Be on your guard.
vigorous nodding, followed by somehow clumsy slurping fuckin harry potters, man.
A gush of wind and a noisy thump betrayed the door letting in yet another poor soul. In the doorway stands a boy, maybe 11 to 12 of age, unkempt black hair and round glasses only barely holding together with some tape. He's wearing red and yellow striped scarf and a ridiculous looking black robe, both stained and scruffy. In his forehead there's a very visible scar shaped like runic "s".
Excuse me, I was looking for the platform 9 3/4 and got terribly lost. Do you mind if I use the bathroom?
*the bartender takes cover*
The Yawning Portal has better beer.
I want to talk to the skull manager.
(https://miro.medium.com/max/11140/1*S9B-_7hR_U9H4oGtT9cU-A.jpeg)
The Skull Manager Says (in a friendly but skeletor-like voice):
GREETINGS TO YE, AND OH MY! THOU SURE ART COMELY FOR A ...CENTAUR? OGRE? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU.
*looking around the room*
hey guys, the fuck is this thing?
ok whatever, nevermind
HAVE YOU COME TO RESCUE US FROM HARRY POTTER, THE EVIL WIZARDS
???
I roll to seduce the spinning skull
Quote from: Cain on June 02, 2020, 10:39:39 PM
I roll to seduce the spinning skull
(You gotta role play it)
No, that's what I say. In italics and all. Bards, darling, we can do that.
*plunges fist into frothy mug of carbonated water-
flings handful of ice at "Retro-Front"*
(To barkeep)
Hi there! Gimme some of that what I neeed, please... Sorting my provisions for later too. Crossing Brickner Bridge was a bitch, horses been acting up for a fort-year, like someone from Frogy Gultch bewitched them or something. Anyhow, I'm in a mood. Don't mind him. Peace.
Quote from: Cain on June 02, 2020, 10:42:23 PM
No, that's what I say. In italics and all. Bards, darling, we can do that.
:lulz:
Quote from: Cain on June 02, 2020, 10:39:39 PM
I roll to seduce the spinning skull
You fail, I am NOT seduced, but I fuck you anyway
\
THAT'S WHAT I CALL DM FIAT, BABY! SCHWINGGGGGG
*slide whistle noise* aooooooo HUBBA HUBBA
*homer simpson drooling sound* \
(https://us.123rf.com/450wm/deanz89/deanz891810/deanz89181000217/110703729-stock-vector-girl-with-skeleton-make-up-hand-drawn-vector-sketch-santa-muerte-woman-witch-portrait-stock-illustra.jpg?ver=6)
hot DAMN we're gonna get a webby award for this thread
Quote from: LuciferX on June 02, 2020, 10:45:33 PM
*plunges fist into frothy mug of carbonated water-
flings handful of ice at "Retro-Front"*
(To barkeep)
Hi there! Gimme some of that what I neeed, please... Sorting my provisions for later too. Crossing Brickner Bridge was a bitch, horses been acting up for a fort-year, like someone from Frogy Gultch bewitched them or something. Anyhow, I'm in a mood. Don't mind him. Peace.
okay, here's your usual
(it's scalding hot dog piss, mixed with glitter)Something bewitched your horse, you say? What's wrong with it?
Quote from: Frontside Back on June 02, 2020, 09:56:46 PM
A gush of wind and a noisy thump betrayed the door letting in yet another poor soul. In the doorway stands a boy, maybe 11 to 12 of age, unkempt black hair and round glasses only barely holding together with some tape. He's wearing red and yellow striped scarf and a ridiculous looking black robe, both stained and scruffy. In his forehead there's a very visible scar shaped like runic "s".
Excuse me, I was looking for the platform 9 3/4 and got terribly lost. Do you mind if I use the bathroom?
extremely belated pointing lI'L BITCH!!
lunges while sputtering incoherentlyFUCKIN GONNA..... MAYONNAISE YOUR FACE
OR WHATEVER
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Thank you! Glitter is so flexible these days.
Horses? Dirty contacts draining their juice I'd say, but that's the fever talking. Just pisses me off that it's been three or four generations, that's all. But I to reason with it would be a fool.
Quote from: Cramulus on June 02, 2020, 11:25:48 PM
Quote from: LuciferX on June 02, 2020, 10:45:33 PM
*plunges fist into frothy mug of carbonated water-
flings handful of ice at "Retro-Front"*
(To barkeep)
Hi there! Gimme some of that what I neeed, please... Sorting my provisions for later too. Crossing Brickner Bridge was a bitch, horses been acting up for a fort-year, like someone from Frogy Gultch bewitched them or something. Anyhow, I'm in a mood. Don't mind him. Peace.
okay, here's your usual
(it's scalding hot dog piss, mixed with glitter)
Something bewitched your horse, you say? What's wrong with it?
Oh, and fuck you, have you SEEN the size of the BUBBLES in my PISS!!! :o
::The doors swing open::
Howdy, y'all.
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::walks to bar::
What you got back there for a thirsty rider?
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A hush falls over the bar as the big gay cowboy strides in. An Elf and a Dwarf suspend their slap fight, looking towards the rugged silhouette in hushed awe, their hands momentarily frozen in space, halted mid-slap.
An old man croaks, "the prophecy ... he returns ...!"
Before the cowboy bellies up to the bar, a Glork (that's like an orc, but more homophobic) blocks his path. "Hey," it grunts, "You've got a lotta nerve showing up here again, after what you did..." It holds up an axe, as if to say, "I'm going to hit you with this axe."
To make sure the message is clear, he also expresses this verbally, saying, "I'm going to hit you with this axe."
Bad idea, sis.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ln1q5CJh9hJNr7pTmS/giphy.gif)
I load my weaponized mini horses.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/Qx5NHtuZzIFYV5rop7/giphy.gif)
Fraudulence looks up from the paper and sits back.
Well, I guess it wasn't a comet this time. About as much of an unexpectedly destructive omen, though.
She clears her throat and incants the ancient dark speech.
Howdy, pardner. Looks like we're in for a rootin' tootin' shootin' good ol' time.
Fulminous vapors rise and everything smells like rancid camp gay.
I slightly turn my head to look at Fraudulence form the corner of my eye
Thanks kindly for the welcome, but I'm a little busy with Karen here. nods in the Glork's direction.
What are you trying to do there, hun? Give me a pedicure?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/McyoCjMObAyIFQ6SB9/giphy.gif)
The Glork, suddenly overcome with confusing feelings, staggers backwards. If you look closely, you may notice that it is blushing.
"A pedicure?" it stammers, "well... if those are your demands...." a drop of sweat rolls down the side of its face.
As the cowboy sits on a stool at the bar, the Glork, kneeling at his feet, gently removes the cowboy's boots. Breathing heavily, hands trembling, he begins to paint the cowboy's toenails.
Ahhhh.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7bu7RlcPQBPlqXfi/giphy.gif)
Bartender, whiskey for me, beer for my horses.
Suddenly the door to the tavern swings open so violently the hinges have to roll a saving throw, allowing the door to slam back shut in the face of the culprit. The stench of sour Buckfast and tinned haggis assaults the air with the intensity of a prison riot, stamping on a guard's ballsack.
"Alcohol! Now, or every cunt dies"
Character Name: Angus McFuckye
Alignment: Chaotic/Scottish
Strength: 17 +100 (Fighting Drunk)
Dexterity: 3
Constitution: unknown
Intelligence: -7
Wisdom: 1
Charisma: 0
Weapon: Enchanted Broken Pint Tumbler "Malkies Chibb" +4 to maim
Combat bonus: +6 if character has recently pished himself
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on June 05, 2020, 07:00:46 AM
Combat bonus: +6 if character has recently pished himself
you have to declare it:
has he recently pished himself? how much urine can we smell right now?
Quote from: Cramulus on June 05, 2020, 12:44:35 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on June 05, 2020, 07:00:46 AM
Combat bonus: +6 if character has recently pished himself
you have to declare it: has he recently pished himself? how much urine can we smell right now?
Hard to tell if it's fresh or not, the reek of BO and poorly wiped arsehole tends to drown everything else out. He's been in the bar about a minute and a half now so we'll probably find out soon enough.
Leans towards the bartender, speaks in sotto voce
There a VIP section in here? The air is dummy thicc right now, y'know?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/2xPPrSVU2y2ZkVEnF8/giphy.gif)
Fraudulence rolls up her Important Quest Item and drops it on the floor, so it will follow her around like a bad penny instead of taking precious inventory space.
Well, this is what happens when I stick around too long. Thanks for the milk, barkeep.
In the process of standing up and re-trousering, Fraudulence brings an elbow down on the edge of the basin of now-fresh milk. Does it tip? Flip? Fling dairy? Or just wobble? Or something totally different? Only Cram knows, asshole god he is.
Quote from: altered on June 05, 2020, 06:04:50 PM
In the process of standing up and re-trousering, Fraudulence brings an elbow down on the edge of the basin of now-fresh milk. Does it tip? Flip? Fling dairy? Or just wobble? Or something totally different? Only Cram knows, asshole god he is.
The milk has hardened like elmer's glue and your elbow sticks into it, making the same sound as a brick being dropped into a vat of JELLOBetween the rancid milk, and the sharp urine smell eminating from Angus McFuckye, the bar's smell is intolerable. The bartender shrugs and puts a little clothespin on his nose."Oi, me thinks this dank tavern could use some music. Anyone know any songs? drinkin' songs or otherwise. Entertain us and a pint of Dragon Cum is on the house."
This stew tastes like someone put heart and soul into it, yah? I don't mind the heart, not at all, but I'm no soul-eater, no sir. Puts 35 crumpets on the bar. Keep the change.
A song, eh? Pulls out electroharp. Well, here's a song for any of you who was ever walking through the Dank Forest, and said to yourself WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiyZmQhuM4w
Let me try that...
Leans over and starts spitting verbiage in some Tolkienesque argot.
Yah, that's some clean stew, hearty and full of fire. I'll have some four portions In a few.
Whips out an udder...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP9VWEFx6-U&list=RD-X6qF7sF9eo&index=27 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP9VWEFx6-U&list=RD-X6qF7sF9eo&index=27)
:o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmV2aHaGdh4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmV2aHaGdh4)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXm8JdC4k4c (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXm8JdC4k4c)
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on June 06, 2020, 06:51:39 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXm8JdC4k4c (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXm8JdC4k4c)
Yah, that's what I meant.
At which point a pattering of the tavern{s naked mole rat scurrying off from the vandalized hearth is heard
Also, 35 crumpets for a stew is better than it is over there at that other joint by Funeyeet Square, so let me know when the lunch special is on because I'm sick of always having to tell those wayward ones what time it is. Their barkeep, Walt, is thief! Otherwise, I"m off for now.
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mahx65JpSt1qdy06t.gif)(https://media0.giphy.com/media/ZXXfojiHaEOWI/source.gif)
THESE TUNES ARE LIT, FAM
And a hey, and a ho, and a diddle-doddle day!!
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/cdb1f1869edf8cab1cfa7024bec952ec/tenor.gif?itemid=8910246)
I look around for something to party with. Barstools, tables, coat rack, the scimitar hanging behind the bar. All of these could serve the function of improvised implement of festivity, quite adequately. *Sits down and starts singing about belonging to Gleskae*