The Founding Fathers get an E for effort, but I think they were aiming a little too high, and times have changed. I propose we amend the Constitution to toss out the rights we no longer care about and replace them with rights that are more compatible with Today's America™.
I. Freedom from any information that is uncomfortable or incompatible with our worldview.
II. The right to forget that we will die someday, and to impose our method of forgetting on anyone who looks like they might remind us.
III. The right to hate _________, and to spread and enforce that hate. Congress and the Media shall have the power to fill in the blank as necessary.
IV. The right to receive cheap entertainment through glowing boxes of whatever size we choose.
V. The right to eat right out of a hog trough if we want to, without some nosy asshole telling us it's unhealthy. Also, freedom to put cheese on everything.
VI. The right to clap and sing in unison, and to deride and discriminate against those who don't. All. Day. Every. Day.
VII. The right to imagine every gay man's asshole is our own asshole, and to protect it from penetration at all costs. When we aren't too busy enjoying imagining it.
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 08:11:21 AM
VII. The right to imagine every gay man's asshole is our own asshole, and to protect it from penetration at all costs. When we aren't too busy enjoying imagining it.
:lulz:
How about a Bill of Rights - the honest version?
I) You have the right to ... no, actually you don't
Would save on paper for one thing
I'd kind of like to add to this, V3x. I have a thing simmering in my brain.
Feel free!
:lol:
nice.
P3nt, sounds similar to my preferred Bill of Natural Rights: you have the right to struggle.
You have the right to be SAFE, so:
You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.
You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.
You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.
You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.
You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.
You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.
You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.
You have the right to be waterboarded.
You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
You have the right to UNLIMITED DATA.
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:34:00 PM
You have the right to be SAFE, so:
You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.
You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.
You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.
You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.
You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.
You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.
You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.
You have the right to be waterboarded.
You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
:mittens:
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2012, 04:37:17 PM
You have the right to UNLIMITED DATA.
The privilege of UNLIMITED DATA shall not be revoked unless the person in question is smudgy, unreasonably poor with no excuse, or of a questionable religion.
That's MY American Dream!
You have the right to inflict your religious views on schoolchildren and women.
You have the right to act like a Taliban morals enforcer, provided you have a Jesus bumper sticker.
You have the right to be protected from scientific ideas that threaten your world view.
You have the right to dilute your voice by turning into Alex Jones and/or voting 3rd party.
You have the right to yank food out of the mouths of poor school children.
You have the right to divert funding for public broadcasting into the hands of bankers who need it.
You have the right to lose your shit and go up a water tower with a high-powered rifle.
You have the right to take dangerous drugs with no good effects, but not safe drugs with no ill-effects.
You have the right to "opposition" parties that agree with each other when the subject of debate is YOU.
You have the right to CRAWL WITH PRIDE.
You have the right to filthy, dangerous streets.
You have the right to go to jail for 20 years for having a miscarriage1
You have the right to shoot smudgy people if they are in your neighborhood. That's why there's a gate.
You have the right to watch multiple murders on TV, but not a human breast.
You have the right to come unglued and go on a rampage. Once.
You have the right to die at your workstation.
You have the right to holler whatever you like, but not on their networks.
You have the right to laugh at Honey Boo Boo.
1 Actually happened in Georgia. No shit.
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:34:00 PM
You have the right to be SAFE, so:
You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.
You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.
You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.
You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.
You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.
You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.
You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.
You have the right to be waterboarded.
You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
Can I steal this for FB purposes?
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 04:49:33 PM
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:34:00 PM
You have the right to be SAFE, so:
You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.
You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.
You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.
You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.
You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.
You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.
You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.
You have the right to be waterboarded.
You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
Can I steal this for FB purposes?
Sure.
You have the right to drink bourbon and act like an ass. You have the right to SATURDAY NIGHT. You have the right to rant your guts up. You have the right to kick 'em IN THA NADS. You have the right to irresponsible firearms use. You have the right to drive like a maniac. You have the right to DANCE. You have the right to sing in the Goddamn shower. You have the right to be an asshat. You have the right to bray spittle and laughter in the face of those who deny these rights.
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:56:28 PM
You have the right to drink bourbon and act like an ass. You have the right to SATURDAY NIGHT. You have the right to rant your guts up. You have the right to kick 'em IN THA NADS. You have the right to irresponsible firearms use. You have the right to drive like a maniac. You have the right to DANCE. You have the right to sing in the Goddamn shower. You have the right to be an asshat. You have the right to bray spittle and laughter in the face of those who deny these rights.
Now all we need is a government that recognizes and protects these rights.
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 04:58:03 PM
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:56:28 PM
You have the right to drink bourbon and act like an ass. You have the right to SATURDAY NIGHT. You have the right to rant your guts up. You have the right to kick 'em IN THA NADS. You have the right to irresponsible firearms use. You have the right to drive like a maniac. You have the right to DANCE. You have the right to sing in the Goddamn shower. You have the right to be an asshat. You have the right to bray spittle and laughter in the face of those who deny these rights.
Now all we need is a government that recognizes and protects these rights.
Nope. FUCK THAT SHIT. Look how well our government protected all of our other rights. No, NOBODY except YOU can protect your right to SATURDAY NIGHT. It's the most fundamental human right that exists, it's the FUCKING REASON we HAVE civilization, and it's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And mine. And LMNO's. And everyone elses. BUT NOT THE GOVERNMENT. Government, by definition, is afraid of SATURDAY NIGHT, and is fundamentally incapable of protecting it.
I don't see what everyone's bitching about. America has given Americans EVERYTHING THEY'VE ASKED FOR. "Safety". War. Self-righteous bullshit. Stomping on smudgy people. Public humiliation in the airports and bus stations across the country. Bankers fucking you in the ass. Presidential candidates that promise ridiculous fucking things they can't possibly deliver. Ain't It Awful on every news channel. The reinforcement of your fucked up beliefs by said news channels.
WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
Because it is our Right to complain about receiving what we ask for!
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on October 24, 2012, 06:17:36 PM
Because it is our Right to complain about receiving what we ask for!
Yep. If we behaved this way in a restaurant, they'd throw us out.
"HEY, WHAT IS THIS SHIT?"
"Um, sir, that's the cheeseburger you ordered, exactly the way you ordered it, which was not an easy task."
"BUT CHEESEBURGERS ARE BAD FOR ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING ME A SALAD?"
"Sir, please leave the restaurant."
You have the right to work 140 hours a week*
You have the right to insurmountable education expenses
You have the right to consume Approved PILLZ to cope with your miserable life
You have the right to pay out-of-pocket for healthcare
You have the right to blame everyone else for your problems
You have the right to cheap junk food**
You have the right to choose the lesser of two evils
You have the right to engage in procreative sex within the bonds of matrimony
You have the right to turkey on Thanksgiving
* Making enough money to survive is a privilege
** So is healthy food
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on October 24, 2012, 06:45:17 PM
You have the right to work 140 hours a week*
You have the right to insurmountable education expenses
You have the right to consume Approved PILLZ to cope with your miserable life
You have the right to pay out-of-pocket for healthcare
You have the right to blame everyone else for your problems
You have the right to cheap junk food**
You have the right to choose the lesser of two evils
You have the right to engage in procreative sex within the bonds of matrimony
You have the right to turkey on Thanksgiving
* Making enough money to survive is a privilege
** So is healthy food
See above. This is how people want it.
You have the right to GET what you ASK FOR.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2012, 06:46:54 PM
You have the right to GET what you ASK FOR.
And the right to bitch about it when Uncle Sam plods up with your order.
And those are the only two rights 90% of America NEEDS.
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 05:02:28 PM
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 04:58:03 PM
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 24, 2012, 04:56:28 PM
You have the right to drink bourbon and act like an ass. You have the right to SATURDAY NIGHT. You have the right to rant your guts up. You have the right to kick 'em IN THA NADS. You have the right to irresponsible firearms use. You have the right to drive like a maniac. You have the right to DANCE. You have the right to sing in the Goddamn shower. You have the right to be an asshat. You have the right to bray spittle and laughter in the face of those who deny these rights.
Now all we need is a government that recognizes and protects these rights.
Nope. FUCK THAT SHIT. Look how well our government protected all of our other rights. No, NOBODY except YOU can protect your right to SATURDAY NIGHT. It's the most fundamental human right that exists, it's the FUCKING REASON we HAVE civilization, and it's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And mine. And LMNO's. And everyone elses. BUT NOT THE GOVERNMENT. Government, by definition, is afraid of SATURDAY NIGHT, and is fundamentally incapable of protecting it.
And another thing: If you let someone else safeguard your SATURDAY NIGHT for you, you wind up with THEIR version of SATURDAY NIGHT instead of YOUR version.
You have the right to everything you deserve
You have the right to sit on your ass and wait on someone doing it for you
You have the right to beg for liberty
You have the right to have your teeth kicked in every time you do
You have the right to watch people who don't give a fuck about rights, doing what they please and getting away with it
You have the right to bitch and whine about this, so long as you do it quietly
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.
THIS IS NOT EVEN SATIRE.
HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 07:04:18 PM
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.
THIS IS NOT EVEN SATIRE.
HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?
:lulz:
I just shat my pants. SHAT MY PANTS!
How the FUCK can you go 44 years and never notice THAT?
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN ATTORNEY PRESENT DURING QUESTIONING. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD ONE, WE'LL APPOINT YOU ONE OF OURS A COUPLE OF YEARS DOWN THE ROAD AND HE WILL CONTINUE TO SHUFFLE YOU THROUGH THE SYSTEM.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO PLEAD GUILTY AND TAKE TIME SERVED RATHER THAN SIT IN JAIL AWAITING TRIAL BY JURY.
WHERE WE WILL FUCK YOU ANYWAY.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOSE YOUR JOB AND YOUR FAMILY WHILE WE DECIDE WHETHER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE OR NOT. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN IMMEDIATE SENTENCING, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO EXPEDITE YOUR CASE, AND SHOULD YOU BE "FEELING LUCKY." YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO INCUR ALL CONSEQUENCES OF CONVICTION, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE ACTUALLY CONVICTED.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY IN PERPETUITY.
Permission to plunder this thread to make a coherent list?
No plundering. Pilfering is OK though. Attribution optional, for anything of mine that ends up in there.
Quote from: V3X on July 01, 2013, 06:59:57 PM
No plundering. Pilfering is OK though. Attribution optional, for anything of mine that ends up in there.
Wholesale sacking is okay for my stuff. Attribution would be nice if it can be made to work, but not actually necessary in this case.
You have the right to be tried secretly, in a secret court under charges that are secret. You have the right to feel lucky to know this much.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2012, 07:05:10 PM
Quote from: V3X on October 24, 2012, 07:04:18 PM
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.
THIS IS NOT EVEN SATIRE.
HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?
:lulz:
I just shat my pants. SHAT MY PANTS!
How the FUCK can you go 44 years and never notice THAT?
What's worse is the rate of convictions that come from statements immediately following "You have the right to remain silent..."
It'd be awful, but if you're not smart enough to SHUT UP at that point, you're not likely to be curing cancer or anything that weekend.
You have a right to go to jail for having a good time, and the right to skip the having a good time part.
You have the right to never actually be told any of these rights.
You have the right to pop-up ads for gambling while you are trying to find porn. And vice-versa.
You have the right to be responsible for the rules we have not told you about.
You have the right to work without pay on a trial basis for an indefinite period of time. While we assess you.
You have the right to bleed in the back of a squadcar.
You have the right to get shot in the back of a squadcar. <--- Portland Only.
You have the right to be turned into pet food.
You have the right to get maced for taking part in the political process.
You have the right to extraordinary rendition for quoting the constitution.
You have the right to pretend "your side" is different.
You have the right to be punished to the fullest extent for ignorance of any of these rights and associated sub-clauses, documents, tarot readings and the newspaper headlines from last Wednesday.
You have the right to demand more arms to lower gun crime.
You have the right to send your parents to jail for falling asleep in class.
You have the right to turn your parents in for using drugs, kids. They'll get the help they need. You will then have the right to be sodomized mercilessly in foster care.
You have the right to ignore scientific, empirical evidence which may threaten your self image.
You have the right to ignore the inconvenient.
You have a right to spend millions of dollars to stop the spending of thousands of dollars in "entitlements".
You have the right to take a militant all or nothing position on complex, nuanced issues.
You have the right to insist that your opinion is the correct opinion
You have the right to be completely ignored. By people you want to interact with, at least.
FUTURE DEFENDENT (HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS 'YOU') HAS THE RIGHT TO [[REDACTED]] IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE SUBSECTION (B) OF THIS DOCUMENT (CLASSIFIED) DOES NOT APPLY. FAILURE TO EXERCISE THIS RIGHT WITHIN [[REDACTED]] HOURS OF ARREST OR DETAINMENT CONSTITUTES VOLUNTARY WAIVER OF ALL ASSOCIATED PRIVILEGES. THIS PROVISION IS NOT SUBJECT TO THE JURISDICTION OF ANY COURT, AND TRUMPS EXISTING STATE AND FEDERAL LAW (INCLUDING THE CONSTITUTION) WHERE INCOMPATIBLE WITH SAID LAW.
Quote from: V3X on July 01, 2013, 08:50:19 PM
FUTURE DEFENDENT CRIMINAL(HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS 'YOU') HAS THE RIGHT TO [[REDACTED]] IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE SUBSECTION (B) OF THIS DOCUMENT (CLASSIFIED) DOES NOT APPLY. FAILURE TO EXERCISE THIS RIGHT WITHIN [[REDACTED]] HOURS OF ARREST OR DETAINMENT CONSTITUTES VOLUNTARY WAIVER OF ALL ASSOCIATED PRIVILEGES. THIS PROVISION IS NOT SUBJECT TO THE JURISDICTION OF ANY COURT, AND TRUMPS EXISTING STATE AND FEDERAL LAW (INCLUDING THE CONSTITUTION[REDACTED]) WHERE INCOMPATIBLE WITH SAID LAW.
Fixed.
You have the right to confess what you did. We already know anyway.
You have the right to pick a country and insist life is better there.