Topics

The mother was understandably a wreck with worry.  She always fancied herself a good Mom.  She spent every waking moment with focused attention for the welfare of her son.  After all, that's her job now, right?  But there she was, in the doctor's office.  She had sat down on the couch just for a little respite.  Just a short minute to catch her breath and get ready for the next burst of toddler activity.  It all happened so quick.

But Charlie was being such a good boy.  He patiently allowed the doctor to perform the examination.  He didn't fuss at all.  And he was very brave as they did the x-rays.  She was very proud of her son and thought to herself, "Maybe I'm still doing okay after all."  But she still worried.  She was very anxious for the doctor to come back and give her, what she hoped, would be good news.  To tell her that this will all resolve quickly and without too much pain for her son.  That he won't have to endure an excruciating surgery that will put him off his feet, or alter his way of life.

Finally, the doctor returned to the examination room.  He nodded and gave a polite smile as he closed the door and proceeded to sit on the stool.  The mother's stomach felt like it was full of fluttery butterflies and her heart felt like it was about to leap from her chest.  The doctor began to speak....

"Well, I've looked at all of the x-rays and conferred with my colleagues.  And we feel pretty confident that your son will be just fine.  And I am convinced that we will not need to perform surgery on your son.  He may feel some abdominal discomfort over the next few days."

"Really?  That's wonderful."  Mom exclaimed.  "I hardly believe it.  I mean, when I saw that he had actually taken those magnetic numbers off of the refrigerator, and managed to swallow them...I....I just feared the worse."

"Do not worry Mrs. Peterson.  We know this has caused you quite a bit of worry and anxiety, but we feel very confident that this 2 shall pass."

I was walking down Main Street as I like to do from time to time.  It feels good to stretch one's legs.  And I like to enjoy a well crafted cup of Joe, and they brew some mighty find brew at Annie's Corner Diner.  Indeed it was yet again the ultimate destination of this nights jaunt.

I entered the diner and sat at my usual stool.  I ordered the joe with a slab of Annie's famous French Apple Pie.  As I waited for my order, a gentleman came in and sat a couple of stools over.  It was someone I had not seen before.  At least, I hadn't seen him in this particular establishment.  

"The name is Don.  Pleased to meet your acquaintance."

I proceeded to introduce myself.

"I heard the coffee here was good, and not too expensive.  I don't have a lot on me right now and I really could use me some good Joe."

"It's pretty good." I said.  "Don't put too much sugar in it though, it ruins the character."

"Is that what happened to this town?", he asked.

"I'm sorry."

"Did someone dump an assload of sugar on this town?  Is that how it lost all of its character?"

"Maybe.", I chuckled.  

"I remember back in the day when this place had real character.  It wasn't just a dot on a map.  It was a destination.  It was where you came to meet people.  Interesting people.  Not just some sack of meat filling up space.  You'd meet the sort of person that left a mark on you.  The sort of person you think of every now and again and wonder, "Where is that guy!  What's he up to?"  You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think I do.  I used to live in one of those places too.  Had to leave it though.  No work."

"Too right brother.  That's what happened to this town.  Local economy went to shit and everyone just up and left.  Can't blame them.  A family's got to eat.  I'd have left too if I could have."

"Oh, you live here?" I asked.  "Where?"

"Oh, it's just a little place I have nearby.  A place with a great view of the river.  I've lived there for quite a few years now.  I've been hoping to upgrade and find a place that's a bit bigger.  But, it does the trick for now."

"I understand.  I know what you mean.  I'm in that spot too.  Where is your place?"

"On your way here did you happen to notice that old cobbler's shop on the corner of Main and Fifth?"  he queried.

"Yeah, I think I remember it.  It had a bunch of big cardboard boxes next to it." I recalled.  

"That's the place.  That's where I hang my hat these days."

"The old cobbler's shop?  Really?  That's cool."

"No." he replied.  "I live in the boxes."

The rest of my time was spent in a cold, awkward silence.  We both sipped on our coffee.  I ordered him a slab of the pie to go along with the joe.  He seemed to enjoy it.  We then both quietly left and went our separate ways.

The moon was very bright in the crisp fall sky.  Tomorrow should be pleasant too.  

They found him dead in a Comfort fucking Inn.  A sadly poetic end for a sad character.  A man who was gifted with some talents that The Machine sucked dry for all its worth.  And then it left him cold to twist in the wind.  He allowed his gift to be sullied and raped in that way.  He allowed himself to be subjugated, to be sub-standardized, to be made into a cliche-generating robot.  The actual fruits of creativity were cast aside while the fat, drool-encrusted, pig-faced maws demanded Cheez Whiz.  They didn't want art to make the public think.  They wanted that easy art that idiots would lap up.  They wanted that easy art that made people titillated and placated.  They wanted a pile of frosted bull shit that people would lap up and lap up until they were fat.  They wanted processed.  They wanted canned.  They wanted good ol Grade A Hollywood-Americana.

And that's what he gave them.  He scribbled some shit on a napkin and gave them that bullshit product that allowed them to rake in millions.  One might trot out that old cliche of selling the soul to the Devil.  I think even the Devil would've turned that shit off. 

Eventually he came to reckon with what had happened.  Long after he had been long forgotten.  After he had become a shell of what he was.  A rumpled heap of a man, ravaged by the many years of booze-laden obscurity.  He wished he could've taken it all back, or at least that was what he said once.  Then it looked like he was pulling things back together and was ready to work his way back up again. 

But....there he was.  Dead.  In a fucking Comfort Inn. 

The ceaseless chatter
Is what's the matter
And if it does not cease
I shall be forced to splatter!

There was a time I grieved
For what seems to be the imminence
Of mankind's ultimate defeat
At its own hands.

As the days have gone on
Each slowly limping off stage bruised and violated
I've come to a new view
It may be well time for the planet to swallow us whole.

"I see the ruins, I know we're losing...." - Kory Clarke

There are people around who probably are still clinging on to some kind of hope.  An idea that this will all pass.  That we all shall awake to discover...

....that it was just a dream.

It was just a little ha-ha.  It wasn't real.  Things are really great, like they were before we fell asleep.  The old grizzled janitor came along and cleaned up the mess and got rid of the foul wretched stench of authoritative failure.

That hope is folly.  All should now fully understand what we are dealing with.  A time of trouble with no heroes.  Because they don't exist.  They aren't dead, they just never were.  Instead we have all kinds of fat fucks donning capes to come to our rescue.  But they are only fucking things further.  This much is crystal...fucking....clear!  Those who cannot see never will.  

Now is a time for us to rally around each other.  We can have no realistic expectation that anyone with any meaningful sway is going to step up and right the ship.  It just isn't going to happen.  We must gather our strength and our forces to protect our own.  To give our youth some kind of shot at surviving.  Maybe put a little fire in their belly as well.  Just in case.....

We must be armed with our selves, and we must be armed to the hilt.  The shit is closing around us and its getting closer.  The filth of the inept is poised to take us all down, we must be ready to cast it aside and hold it off to the extent that we can.  This is about survival now.  Not just the physical and biologial but our very selves.  

I've taken up my arms.  Take up yours!  Get ready!  These fucks aren't going to have us amongst the dead when their failure finally becomes fully realized.  We will not lie down and become a number.  They can destroy the country but they won't destroy us.  

Fuck em....fuck em all!

Goodnight.

woah, the woe!
my binary code aches
as though it was infected
with digitalis

I'm thinking particularly of "Girlfriend" and "Sick of Myself" that have all of those false endings.....

I felt compelled to write what I'm about to write before I really for real go away for awhile. 

The last thing I want to come from this is for any kind of bad blood or acrimony to develop between this place and the sister site.  I appreciate Jenne and CB's kind sentiment and support but don't hold that against them. 

I think a couple of people have said or guessed that there is more to my departure than meets the eye.  And that would be correct, but I really don't need to go into a laundry list of items.  Basically, what it boils down to is I'm not sure my piece of the puzzle fits anymore. 

I will make no secret that there are personalities on this board with which I've just never really clicked.   You can't get along with everyone.  There are people in my office and in my field with whom I just don't click.  But it is necessary to coexist to get the job done.  I know we all have had, or are having those experiences IRL as well.  So I don't pretend I'm in any kind of special circumstance there.  I've done my best to co-exist with those here with whom I just don't click.  And it's been manageable for most of my time on these boards.  I guess I've just hit a point where the challenge of co-existing has become more than I'm willing to entertain.  Selfishly, for my own sake, but also for the sake of the board.  (I know, doesn't that sound all pretentious and everything?  What a fucking spag I am!  ) 

The reality is certain personalities are held in high regard here as has been exemplified in the thread where I announced my departure.  And I have no quarrel with that.  It's the current board dynamic, it is what it is.  But it is also a personality with whom I did have a substantial quarrel in the thread of notoriety.  And it was a quarrel that I was uncomfortable with because it felt that I was being portrayed and represented in a manner that didn't have fidelity to the true nature of the discussion.  And so when I read the OP in the stickied thread, saw who was set as a high standard example, I felt this put me in a position that put me at a severe disadvantage.  In the respect that if a new user read that piece, saw that the rest of the board was at odds with my opinion, including the exemplar, then I would automatically be labled a dip-shit who is set in his ways and isn't considering substance and evidence.  And since, yes, this IS a cause I believe in, I have to step away.  It just doesn't feel like those discussions are going to be healthy anymore and just contributes to an overall sense that it's a time that I don't fit as a member of the group. 

And I feel no shame nor regret in feeling passionate about that cause.  I feel no shame being a Discordian who is trying to reach to people and convince them to look beyond a narrow path that leads many to self-destruction and traps.  I feel no shame in wanting to help people pick out some of that Shrapnel that has put them where they are, and look at the paths that will allow them to be better armed with themselves.  Remember when we wrote the BIP?  Remember how so many of us hit on this theme with the TeeVee and how it was making people complacent and avoiding all of that which is fucking up the world?  Swap drugs for TeeVee.

THAT is why I'm doing what I'm doing. 

So, I felt like I just needed to set that record straight, and I again implore that this episode is not held against our sister site.  I appreciate my friends lending their supportive words, but what I'm doing is on me and no one else.  The time I've had here has been overall very outstanding.   I'd say it's been 99% win! 

I think imma gonna go do some internet safari.  It's time for some other corners of the web feel some pun-wrath!

Peas out!

http://www.sunjournal.com/city/story/1052628

"We will never forget!"

Well, yeah, how the hell CAN we forget when politicians and Americans worship the flag like it's Jesus Almighty take any chance they can to remind us what happened on 9/11!.  We've been dwelling on that incident like a motherfucker.  It's this weird, perverse somber, yet celebratory holiday.  Hooray we got attacked so we can show you just how fucking awesome we are by never forgetting and telling you, really loudly, how we'll never forget!  NEVER FORGET IT!

And we like those big round numbers and this year is number 10.  There will be specials, and specials about specials.  The flag waving and chest beating and poop flinging will be of epic proportions this year.  You won't be able to escape it.  Even if you turn your TV off and throw it away, undoubtedly your town will have some kind of iron bar worshiping, or American flag waving, or bell ringing, or Mosque re-decorating ceremony. 

Jeebus this shit is going to be everywhere.  It's already started.  And it's only fucking July 1st!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about the mess.  But I told him not to go there.  I told him not to lift the lid on that kettle.  It should've been apparent to anyone with two stones to rub together that it was going to boil over.  The stew has been stewing for ages.  Awash in a broth of abject disgust, with bits of rage and contempt floating on the top.  It was just waiting for that little nudge. 

I mean when you are surrounded by failure 24/7, it just, it just piles up.  Eventually it has to go somewhere.  You can only stuff it away in so many corners.  You can only pack it away in so many little containers before it just becomes impossible to contain.  And it's not MY fault people act that way.  It's not MY deal that they bounce around like that.  Filling voids that don't need to be filled with their senseless chatter and nonsensical bullshit.  It's okay to just pipe down.  They should just keep their nose in their tattered, Milwaukee's Best stained copy of the Constitution.  The one they keep in their night stand next to their Bible and their Viagra.  The one they wave in your face, with that waft of stale beer and chew spewing from their fat faces. 

So when he stepped, he should've known what was next.  I cannot accept responsibility for what was inevitable.  But, if it makes you feel any better, here is a few bucks for a new mop and bucket. 

Peter Falk dead at 83.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43526826/ns/today-entertainment/

I thought this quote from the article was amusing:

When not working, Falk spent time in the garage of his Beverly Hills home. He had converted it into a studio where he created charcoal drawings. He took up art in New York when he was in the Simon play and one day happened into the Art Students League.

He recalled: "I opened a door and there she was, a nude model, shoulders back, a light from above, buck-ass naked. The female body is awesome. Believe me, I signed up right away."

ITT I dedicate puns to posters.

Why?  Because I hate you all!

First up, for LMNO:

What was the corn farmer's favorite punk band?  Husk-er Du. 

For any of you out there who were Keith Olbermann fans, his new show on Current TV starts tonight.

It has been cleverly named "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" and is on at 8 pm EST. 

They've made him the head of the News department at Current TV and he's apparently hinting at bringing on Weiner and giving him a show.

Olbermann hints at hiring Weiner for Current TV show

In an appearance on NBC's 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,' Current TV's Keith Olbermann hinted at hiring former Congressman Anthony Weiner for a show of his own.

Is Current TV becoming the television network for the otherwise rejected?

Appearing on NBC's "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," former MSNBC news commentator Keith Olbermann, who is promoting his new "Countdown With Keith Olbermann" show on Current TV, suggested former Congressman Anthony Weiner could have a 9 pm slot on the Current TV schedule.

Okay spags.  I need to gauge my reaction to a pun I just read by gauging your reaction.  The following pun was posted on punoftheday.com

It's in some lame section talking about how you should send your father a pun for Father's Day.  Which is a really stupid idea.  Anyway, read this pun and share with me your reaction:

"When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tank his father said 'I won't stand in your way'."

He was standing too close to The Edge. 

Film at 11!

[international recording artist]

http://chrisreynoldsart.com/?page_id=2

"Chris shows us a bit of the unique and deranged in some of my favorite pieces of his, though his talents obviously exceed that scope.  He is one of the few artists I'm proud to feature in my living spaces."

Ambassador KLOK KAOS, international recording artist, A kLoKwErK kAoS

Hey, it's not every day you can play guitar at work without a guitar.  Go to google and make us a tune!

http://goo.gl/doodle/4dBs

If you click the little gray rectangle with the red dot you can record your tune.  You only get a few seconds so make it count. 

I decree that tomorrow is now Saturday, not Wednesday.

Stay home! 

I apologize in advance to those spags who would normally have Wednesday off but work on Saturdays. 

But, it HAD to be done.

I'm sure you will understand. 

Best regards,
Reverend What's-His-Name?

Please direct all complaints, suggestions, and other communications to that guy over there.   --------->

My great uncle died yesterday.  Apparently he was walking around the house when he slipped on a couple of coin rolls that were on the floor. 

I guess he was right when he said he was going to be nickel and dimed to death. 

Ratko Mladic that is.  He's been on the run for over 15 years now after the Bosnian war.  Looks like his extradition to the U.N. to stand trial for war-crimes is under way. 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43178749/ns/world_news-europe/

BELGRADE, Serbia — Serbian authorites arrested Gen. Ratko Mladic, Europe's most wanted war crimes fugitive, the country's president said Thursday.

Mladic has been on the run since 1995 when the U.N. war crimes tribunal in The Hague, Netherlands, indicted him for genocide in the slaughter of some 8,000 Bosnian Muslims in Srebrenica and other crimes committed by his troops during Bosnia's 1992-95 war.

"On behalf of the Republic of Serbia we announce that Ratko Mladic has been arrested," President Boris Tadic told reporters. He said the arrest was made by the Serbian Security Intelligence Agency.

Mladic will be extradited from Serbia to the U.N. war crimes tribunal, he said. He did not specify when, but said "an extradition process is under way."

"We ended a difficult period of our history and removed the stain from the face of the members of our nation wherever they live," he said.

European Union foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton welcomed the arrest and said he should be sent to the war crimes tribunal without delay.

"This is an important step forward for Serbia and for international justice,'' Ashton said in a statement on Thursday.
Advertise | AdChoices
Advertise | AdChoices
Advertise | AdChoices

"We expect Ratko Mladic to be transferred to the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia without delay. Full cooperation with the ICTY (International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia) remains essential on Serbia's path towards EU membership,'' she added.

Serbia has been under intense pressure to make the arrest, with the chief U.N. war crimes prosecutor, Serge Brammertz, complaining earlier this month that authorities were not doing enough to capture him and other war crimes fugitives.

Brammertz was scheduled to report next month to the U.N. Security Council about the Balkan country's efforts.

Brammertz's regular reports on Serbia's compliance are crucial for the Balkan country's efforts to become an European Union member candidate. The EU has conditioned Serbia's membership bid on the arrest.

Prosecutors have said they believed he was hiding in Serbia under the protection of hardliners who consider him a hero. Mladic was last seen in Belgrade in 2006.

Croatian media, which first broke the story, said police there got confirmation from their Serbian colleagues that DNA analysis confirmed Mladic's identity. Belgrade's B92 radio said Mladic was arrested Thursday in a village close to the northern Serbian town of Zrenjanin.

In Brussels, NATO Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen hailed the arrest, saying Thursday that almost 16 years since Mladic's indictment for genocide "his arrest finally offers a chance for justice to be done."

Tens of thousands of NATO troops were deployed to Bosnia in 1995 to safeguard a U.S.-sponsored peace agreement between that nations' warring factions. They have since been withdrawn abd replaced by a much smaller European Union force.

So the boy has moved up in daycare from the infant room to the older infant room.  For some reason (I'm calling stupidity) the older infant room has a smaller refrigerator which means the boy needs to have his own lunch box with ice packs.  So, of course, I'm not going to send the boy with any ole boring lunch box.  I mean, what's the point, right?

So I found him this lunch box on Amazon that has the 9 planets.  Yeah, that's right, NINE, planets. 

That is, it has the 8 "really real planets" and then pluto off in a corner crying.



Because Neil deGrasse Tyson obviously hates small planets AND children. 

Who's the bestest Daddy in the world? 

Get off of my goddamn planet, NOW you stupid fucking fucks!

Stop mucking up everything.  I've got kids who have to grow up and live on this hunk of rock.

Cut the shit and get the fuck out!

Love and Kisses.

Reverend What's-His-Name?

I have to go there for a conference in July.  Is there anything fun to do there?  Anyone? 

I think I just experienced what had to be the most excruciating staff meeting since I started working in this particular agency.  I know you've all had these meetings too.  People are blathering on about bullshit that doesn't matter.  It's bullshit that doesn't impact your job at all and is probably only relevant to two people who could be discussing it, in their own damn meeting.  Or you have the person who decides to just fillibuster the meeting with anything and everything that pops into their head. 

You sit there and just seethe.  You imagine every single one of their heads just exploding, imploding, falling off, whatever it takes for them to shut up or for the meeting to be over.  You also sit there and ponder, how the hell does this outfit accomplish anything if people spend so much time contemplating nothing.  How is it that someone hasn't come and shut us down? 

How do we deal with this scourge?  How do we stamp out useless and time-wasting meetings!  How do you guys deal with it?  Do you employ any little tricks or magicks to get meetings back on track, or to get them to end, or, to at least keep yourself entertained? 

The American Dream used to be having a house with a white-picket fence, two and a half kids, and a nice American made motor vehicle.

Now, The New American Dream for the kiddos is getting knocked up and getting a reality show. 

And they have the ultimate role model to lead them to the promise-land of inFamy and, well, probably not fortune:

Bristol Palin

That's right kids.  Follow her and you'll learn the fine art of becoming famous and getting on TeeVee for being famous for teenage pregnancy.  Education?  Fuck No!  Just do something outrageous or stupid and reach for the, uh, stars? 

I dunno.  Bleh. 

And I just SANK a jar of Hellman's. 

Happy Sink-o de Mayo fuckers!!!

So as I mentioned a few days ago I put this drug collection thing together.  Basically allowing people to drop off expired, unwanted medications.  There was this story in Belfast, Maine where some guy dropped off all of his deceased Dad's meds.  As they were going through the pills they found a family heirloom, a wedding band that had been passed down through generations.

Well that's nothing compared to what was brought to us.  There was this one guy that brought a bag of stuff.  And in one of the pill bottles was this....thing....I think it was some kind of pet or animal or something.  Maybe a mouse?  I dunno, but I snapped a picture of it....it really creeped us all the fuck out. Check this shit out.

I love my job.  I really do.  Let me rephrase that, I love MY job.  I love what I do.  But man, sometimes I really, really hate my field.  I'm not talking about just substance abuse, I'm talking about the Non-Profit and Prevention worlds in general.  Why? 

Because 95% of the time 95% of the people in this field do absolutely nothing.  No, really.  They sit around and talk about this meeting they went to, this other really cool meeting they are going to next week where they get to listen to some suits talk about the meetings they've been going to for the past couple of months.  Oh, oh, then there are the "strategic planning sessions" where people sit around a table and talk about some general ideas and themes about things that should change in the community, and who should be at the table who isn't at the table, and how we'll communicate to the community how we just had this strategic planning session, blah, blah, blah.  But then, nothing fucking happens.  There isn't a point where somebody actually straps some boots on, goes somewhere, and does something that produces something tangible. 

Unfortunately, I have to go to these meetings about meetings and strategic planning sessions about bullshit that nobody will ever do.  It's part of the job.  It's part of the dog and pony show.  I just sit there, I'll throw a couple morsels of input, you know, just to make it look like I give a shit about their useless nonsense, and then I go back to my office to work. 

Yes, WORK.  I'll go through the afore-described motions, but I'm also going to get some stuff done too.  And thankfully, there are enough people like me who actually find a way to cut through that crap, that we actually can get some stuff done.  I just did this collection thing where we got half a ton of expired or unwanted meds out of peoples homes.  It took me one, ONE meeting to get that shit organized.  Some phone calls, e-mails, and then just some good old-fashioned elbow grease and feet hitting the pavement to make it happen.

I didn't need to have meetings to schedule meetings.  I didn't need to review minutes.  I didn't need to go through some bullshit strategic planning session.  We sat down, said A, B, and C need to happen, and Joe, Mary, and Bob are going to do those things. 

They say talk is cheap.  No, it isn't cheap.  It's expensive.  It wastes large amounts of time where people should be doing stuff.  If we don't have the money to do something, if we don't have the leverage or sway to do something, if we don't have the capacity to do something....forget about it.  Just fucking forget about it.  I'd love to change the world too, but goddamn it didn't you notice it's kinda big? 

I'm not saying we shouldn't have vision and goals.  Certainly we should.  But we need to have a better balance between talking about them and actually doing them.  Because pretty soon enough is going to be enough and I'm just going to troll the fuck out of these meetings with puns.  I mean, if I'm going to be stuck in these things where nothing gets accomplished, I'm going to need to call upon my other talents to contribute to the work of doing no work. 

There shall be no joy in MudTown.

Joy is now strictly verboten.  It has been stripped from every Man, Woman, and child.  And for good measure, we made sure we kicked your puppies....twice. 

We used the Brillo Pad of Justice to wipe that goddamn smile off your face.  You won't be needing that anymore....where YOU're going. 

In THIS gulag, there is labor, labor, and more labor.  Even for your women IN labor. 

9 to 5 is now 5 to 9! 

Everyone shall be multi-taskers.  The widgets don't make themselves. 

There are quotas to keep, bottom lines to pad, and gilded toilet seats to shine. 

EVERYONE works for food. 

EVERYONE lives to work. 

And retirement is the day we shove you into the fucking ground!

But perk up Johnson!  You are doing this for Amerika the Beautiful! 

You're blood, sweat, and years are helping to build the Plastique Industrial Super-Complex!  It shall be an ever-enduring testament that bears witness to the glory that is our Innovation! 

Happiness and Joy waste time! 

Time that can be used creating the next iCouch. 

My wife says I'm a snob.  Lovingly of course.  I don't know if I'm really a snob though, maybe I am.  Usually this comes from comments I make about people at work.  I'll admit, I guess maybe, deep down, I have a little Dead Kennedy in me. 

It's not necessarily that I think I'm smarter than everyone else around me.  I mean, everyone brings different things to the table.  But it does kind of annoy me when people who have a blatant lack of experience for a certain job or position, get hired anyway.  And then I have to work with them.  And sometimes they are my boss. 

Any of you spags get this?  Do other people think you are snobby? 

Pardon my tone, but the frequency of your LMNOuendos has been rather trebling as of late.  I wanted to say something long ago, but I refrained, to save face, as I really had nothing to gain.  But you finally pushed me over the clef.  I must act now, for inaction could lead to reverberations that could sustain for ages. 

....that puns are your Raisin d'etre. 

Jehovah's Witnesses?  Nope.
Girl Scouts?  Nope.
Mailman?  Nope.

Financial advisers from Edward Jones.

WTF?  When did the finance folks start doing door to door? 

Life happens when you least expect it.  Which should not be unexpected.  I mean, how can you not look at this setup and think, "Gee it could get fucked at any minute without warning".  But it is also set up to entice us with soft, warm, and fuzzy comfort zones.  You slip right in and revel in the luxuriousness of it.  It is very easy to pay no mind to the cold and indifferent randomness that can grab you by the sack and twist with all of its might.  

Giving you time to take that quick gasp....before quickly and frantically belting yourself in for what will undoubtedly prove to be a very bumpy ride.  

http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/03/11/6247114-cant-feel-the-rhythm-you-may-be-beat-deaf

Mathieu takes dorky dancing to a whole new level. Not only does the Canadian college student not get into the groove, he can't even clap in time to the music. That's because he's beat-deaf.

Beat-deafness is when your arms legs, and body can't move in sync to music -- and you can't tell if another dancer isn't in the groove, either. (And it's different from the brain chemical we wrote about earlier this month that messes with your moves.) Plus, you have a hard time recognizing the "strong beat" in music. While many people feel like they have "two left feet" or "no rhythm," in Mathieu's case, some of his concerns are valid. He's not only a mess on the dance floor, he also has trouble clapping in time -- or tapping his fingers or foot -- to the beat of a song.

Scientists recently wrote up Mathieu's musical misfortunes in a paper considered the first documented case of beat-deafness. (Researchers identified him only by his first name.) It also may be the first documentation to show that the majority of the population really is capable of synchronizing their body in time to music.

The researchers believe that beat-deafness is a newly-discovered form of congentical amusia -- the most well-known form of this condition is tone-deafness. Beat-deafness is rarer than tone-deafness, and is likely associated with anomalies in brain connectivity between the auditory cortex and inferior frontal cortex. Both beat- and tone-deafness likely have a genetic origin, explains Jessica Phillips-Silver, a postdoctoral researcher with the International Laboratory for Brain, Music, and Sound Research at the University of Montreal and the study's lead author. "Even babies can feel the beat of music," she says, so considering how uncommon a disorder it is, she was surprised to find a real case of beat deafness and confirm it in the lab.

This research, to be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Neuropsychologia, recruited volunteers who felt they can't keep a musical beat. Most participants had some musical training, including Mathieu, who had music, voice and even dance lessons. He also has no intellectual or hearing problems.

In one experiment, the researchers looked at how well 34 adults, including Mathieu, could bounce up and down to a Merengue beat, and they compared these results to keeping tempo with a metronome, a ticking device that marks musical time. Although Mathieu and his fellow participants did well bouncing to the metronome, he was totally out of sync -- and bounced too slowly -- to Merengue.

In another test, Mathieu was asked to follow the beat when dancing with a partner, which he could do. But when told to dance alone -- without a partner's moves to mimic -- he had no rhythm.

So, maybe he wasn't digging the tunes? Researchers then had Mathieu and 10 others dance to the beat of eight different kinds of music, everything from rock and swing to techno and world. Mathieu's timing was off with five of eight musical genres. (Ironically, he moved reasonably well to the song "I Like to Move It.")

Mathieu doesn't completely lack musical talent. He can sing in tune and has a lovely voice, according to Phillips-Silver.

It's worth noting that there are some subtle differences between being beat-deaf and just being a rhythm klutz, Phillips-Silver explains. On the one hand, consistently failing to clap in time at a concert might actually be a diagnostic criterion for beat-deafness. "This is something that our case, Mathieu, describes having always been the case at concerts -- he actually had to watch other people, to imitate them," Phillips-Silver says. "But alas, being on the beat requires the kind of anticipation of the beat that comes from perceiving it in the music and knowing when to expect the next one. So he never was able to keep up."

But those women in your Zumba class who insist on stepping right when everyone else is lunging left probably don't have a genetic excuse."Those gals on the aerobics floor who miss the kick could be just struggling with the coordination required to perform the routine and do so in time with the music," Phillips-Silver says. "This is a more complicated task than simply standing in place and bending the knees to the beat. I would pull each one of those ladies aside and do a quick check: If we remove the aerobics steps, do they lose the klutz? If so, I'd say they are not beat-deaf. (Though we might question whether they'd get a better workout if they could stay in sync with the group!)"

While there's no remedy yet for Mathieu's beat-deafness, researchers now have a better idea of what it looks like. Phillips-Silver hopes future study will help scientists to understand how music is processed in the brain, and how people synchronize to music and to each other, when dancing.

At first this would seem relatively harmless, but I would have to wonder if this affects his life in non-musical ways.  There are sports, for example, where having some kind of sense of rhythm is kind of important. 

Ask me anything,

Answers may or may not be rational, readable or intelligible, or intelligent for that matter. 

So I'm starting to put together a little social marketing campaign in my community.  It essentially is going to entail postering the community and local schools with a mystery number.  The mystery number is actually a percentage of kids in the community who DON'T use drugs. 

(Background: the premise is that kids and adults alike seem to have an inflated perception of just how many kids are using.  It ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and so some kids will do drugs out of a passive form of peer pressure.  That is, they think they need to do drugs to fit in because they assume every other kid is using.)

Anyway, it's a kernel of an idea right now and I'm just starting to pull it together.  But, I have taken the liberty of printing out a couple of the mystery numbers and taping them to my office door.  We also have a weekly staff meeting at which I will have a full sheet printout of the number in 600pt font, right next to my notebook. 

Anyone want to place a wager on how many days before someone on the staff asks me about the number?  No one on staff has heard a word about this campaign, and they will be left in the dark with the rest of the community until it is time to reveal what the number represents. 

Of course, it may turn out that nobody cares and never asks me.  That would be a bit of a bummer.   

One of the more infamous car dealer's in Maine, Mr. Jolly John, passed away after a brief battle with cancer.  He played the zany Car Dealer guy to a T.  I actually got to meet the guy in person, away from the dealership back in the Retail Hell days.  He was a fairly regular shopper at my store.  Was a very subdued and actually rather introverted guy.  Did a lot of charity stuff for poor kids in the community.  An all around good guy.  Though, he probably would like to take back his dealership's experiment with the Daewoo line of vehicles. 

Here is a couple of gems from yesteryear:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riRK3b_0Qfg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXbJG2OQxUg&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0UqAWsd0EA&feature=related

http://www.jointogether.org/news/headlines/inthenews/2011/fla-governor-eliminates-pill.html

In a move that surprised officials in multiple states, Florida Governor Rick Scott proposed eliminating a long-awaited "pill mill" database designed to combat prescription drug abuse, The Orlando Sentinel reported Feb. 8.

A 2009 law passed by the Florida legislature required the creation of the database to reign in "rogue pain clinics," or "pill mills." Overdoses on illegal narcotic pills kill about seven people a day in Florida, and the pill mills are the primary source of the drugs.

The database, scheduled to go into operation Dec. 1 but delayed by a contracting dispute, would help crack down on pill mills. Doctors and pharmacies would have to log all prescription drugs sold, making it easier to identify customers trying to fill prescriptions multiple times at different locations to obtain large quantities of pain medications and other controlled substances.

Similar databases are already used in 42 states.

"That program has not been working," Scott said. "I'm working with Attorney General [Pam] Bondi  to make sure that we deal with the issue that we have, and I'm working with her to make sure that we deal with this issue that we have with pill mills."

His plan to eliminate the database surprised legislators, law enforcement, and other supporters. Although Scott is proposing to cut state spending by over $5 billion, the database is not funded with tax dollars, but with over $500,000 already raised from drug manufacturers, foundations and federal grants.

A spokeswoman said that Scott "did not think the database was a function best performed by government," according to the Sentinel.

Al Lamberti, sheriff of Broward County, told the governor in a recent meeting that the database was essential, and he thought the governor supported the idea.

"I'm very surprised," Lamberti said. "I stressed that to him, that we really need it as a deterrent. It's no wonder we're ground zero for this stuff. We don't have a deterrent in place."

"It's just bizarre," said Paul Sloan, the president of the Florida Society of Pain Management Providers. "There's nobody in the field of medicine trying to kill it. It's the best thing the state has done on pill mills."

A few weeks ago, Scott also cut the state office of drug control, a primary proponent for the database.

State Sen. Mike Fasano (R-New Port Richey), who sponsored the 2009 law establishing the database, said, "It is beyond my comprehension why the governor would propose the total elimination of the two entities that have been, and have the potential to be, the best tools this state will have in fighting prescription drug abuse."

It is now up to Florida lawmakers whether or not to accept Scott's proposal.

We have one of these prescription monitoring programs in my state and it is a very valuable tool in combating prescription drug abuse.  Certainly, there are some pretty enterprising criminals who will find a way around the system but it does help identify and get help for your average joe who got hooked on painkillers or other meds.  With most other states having one of these programs, this simply is going to make Florida the center of the illegal RX drug trade.  It's beyond me why he would want to do away with this program, especially, when it isn't even funded by taxpayers. 

Mark it down on your calendar spags!

Take out extra life insurance. 

Gird your loins.

Man the lifeboats.

etc., etc., 

Well, it was a fine kettle of fish until I got thrown into the big steamy pile of rancid dog shit.  A.K.A. workplace politics.  Look, I was brought here because I do shit and I do it well.  I signed up to come here and fix some shit that is pretty fucking broken.  But I didn't sign up to be thrust in the middle of turf wars.  I didn't see anything in the job description about having to be tender with bruised egos or throw myself down before the mercy of long-standing and unquestioned tradition.

It isn't my fault you guys have been screwing shit up for over 20 years.  It isn't my deal that you thought you could just kind of skirt the regulations.  If you wanted it to remain hidden, you shouldn't have fuckin hired me.  If shit is wrong, I'm going to fix it.  If you are putting out a sub-standard product, I'm going to fuckin make it better.  That's what I do.  I strive for excellence.  I'm not going to pander to and protect your status quo.

Yeah, I know, people have told you for years you are the shit.  You aren't used to having someone around who's a little younger, has some fresher ideas, and, actually gets shit done.  You don't like having a little peon like me around who knows where you are falling down and falling down mightily.  Well, you need to deal.  I'm not going anywhere.  I was picked to do this job and I'm going to do the fuck out of it. 

But don't worry, soon the money will be gone and I will move on to the next job.  And then you get to have your happy shiny world of bullshit back.  You get to go back to pretending that you, and only you, are saving the world.  You can go ahead and undo and re-break all the shit I fixed.  You can throw the new programs away.  you can torch the new policies.  And then you'll be validated again, as you get to once again be the person "needed" to solve all of these issues.  You can reclaim your sham pedestal built upon your overinflated sense of knowledge and authority. 

Too bad that pedestal is going to be surrounded by a moat of burnt lives and rancid and soiled teenage dreams.

Have a nice fucking day!

Unless you are under 21 years of age, in which case you should be doing homework, taking out the garbage, and STAYING OFF MAH LAWN!!!

But for the rest of you:

Here's the game:

Get your favorite bottle of whatever.

Turn on Fox News starting at, whenever Beck comes on the air in your local TV market.

The game is simple.  You take a drink every time someone, anyone, utters the word Caliphate.

If you really want to get sloshed, add in the word "Islamist" 

The game is over when your bottle is empty, the lights go out, or Dick Morris starts to look "bang-able". 

Have fun!

I have to tell you spags, that this pun sabbatical thing is a lot easier than I thought it would be.  Now, I will not say that when I read threads that the puns don't pop into my head anymore.  It's one of those things you can't really turn off.  But, I don't get all twitchy anymore if I don't post it or share it with someone else. 

And I can't really take off with the palindrone thing.  Those things are much harder to work into conversation. 

I dunno spags, when the Ides of March come, the puns may not come back.  Or at least, not with the same fury and frequency. 

I imagine this both elicits cheers of joy and tears of sorrow (and you spags need to get checked out.)

You don't have one you say?

You would be correct, unless....

You live in Utah:

http://www.npr.org/2011/01/27/133280682/Plans-For-Utah-State-Gun-Spark-Outrage

A Browning M1911 semiautomatic pistol may soon join the sego lily, Rocky Mountain elk and sugar beet as official symbols of the state of Utah.

The State Senate is considering a measure passed by the House of Representatives on Wednesday that would declare the .45-caliber handgun the official state firearm — the first in the country.

"This firearm was created by John Moses Browning, who was a son of Utah pioneers," said Republican Rep. Carl Wimmer of Herriman, Utah, during debate on the House floor. "This firearm really has defended liberty and freedom around the country and around the world. And I think this is a very appropriate designation to capture a portion of the state history."

So I don't know if anyone has caught that today is the 25th anniversary of the Challenger disaster.  I read a piece on it over at msnbc.com which I'll link here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41296542?GT1=43001

A particular part of the article that got me thinking was this one:

It was, as one grief and trauma expert recalls, "the beginning of the age when the whole world knew what happened as it happened."

"That was kind of our pilot study for all the rest to come, I think. It was so ghastly," said Sally Karioth, a professor in Florida State University's school of nursing.

So basically, the birth of Cable TV.

Yes, yes, I know CNN and Headline News had already been fairly established at this point.  But I think this particular incident was one that really got the ball rolling as far as non-stop coverage of disasters, and I think we can all agree that this is a basic staple of Cable TV News as we know it today. 

And I have to admit that leaves me with some pretty conflicting feelings.  I actually think the coverage of Challenger was good and important.  Because it eventually shined a light on how the bureaucracy, arrogance, and apathy of NASA basically caused this disaster.  On the other hand, it I think put a fair amount of doubt into the utility and need of the U.S. Space Program, particularly the Shuttle Program.  I think, overall, the Shuttle Program has most likely been a net plus for the country as the science has lead to some significant advancements.  And if for no other reason, it inspired kids like me who had his head stuck in the stars. 

Though, I do have to say, the disaster did have me reformulating my career plans.  I no longer wanted to be an astronaut and decided I'd be fine just being one of those nameless spags at Mission Control. 

I wasn't around when JFK was shot, and I was a bit young to be paying attention when John Lennon was killed.  So Challenger was my first "where were you when..." moments and so it has particular poignancy for me and I can't help but take notice when it's in the news. 

Anyway, I just wanted to throw out these thoughts that were conjured by the anniversary.  Feel free to share your recollections or musings about the impact of this disaster on cable news, or whatever else this makes you think about. 

[The sergeant tells the Palm Springs Desert Sun that there was no evidence the vehicle braked.]

I'll admit I really don't know who this guy is but the story struck me, particularly how the evidence suggests whoever hit the guy hit him on purpose.  I hope they catch the guy and throw the book at him.  Actually, they should throw a lot of books at him.  Or her. 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41172356/ns/today-entertainment/

CATHEDRAL CITY, Calif. — Drummer Alex Kirst, a member of The Nymphs glam rock band who became a member of Iggy Pop's band, was struck and killed in a hit-and-run crash in the California desert. He was 47.

Cathedral City police say a white Chevrolet Tahoe or GMC Yukon struck Kirst, who was on foot, on Jan. 13.

Sgt. Paul Herrera says someone spotted Kirst on the side of Date Palm Road at about 11:45 p.m. and called police, thinking the man was intoxicated.

The sergeant tells the Palm Springs Desert Sun that there was no evidence the vehicle braked.

The Nymphs had their heyday in the late 1980s and early 1990s and disbanded after one album.

Alex and his brother Whitey joined Pete Marshal to form The Trolls, backing up Iggy Pop on his albums "Beat 'Em Up" and "Skull Ring."

The boy's 1st birthday will be happening in less than two months. 

ITT, you post party themes.

GO!

Well, our new Governor, Captain Tea-Bag LePage didn't waste anytime getting into the national spotlight with his TP antics.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41119888/ns/us_news/

WATERVILLE, Maine — Maine Gov. Paul LePage has changed his plans and attended a Martin Luther King Jr. Day breakfast just days after saying critics of his decision to skip other holiday weekend events could "kiss my butt."

LePage attended the breakfast in Waterville on Monday, just as he had done for several years as the city's mayor before being elected governor.

His appearance was scheduled after he responded Friday to critics of his decision not to attend the state NAACP's annual holiday celebrations. LePage cited scheduling conflicts, but his "kiss my butt" comment drew harsh criticism from state and national leaders of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

LePage didn't speak publicly at Monday's event, but in an interview spoke of the importance of King's contributions.

I'm looking forward, kinda, to meeting this guy, which with any luck will be next month. 

Mark you calendars and gird your loins.

In keeping with my decree in the football thread, I'm packing my punner away for two months. 

Punning shall resume in full force on the Ides of March. 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Monday.