Testamonial:  "My god, you people are depressing."

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Topics - Salty

...I mean the sub-forum.

There exists, in the world, many problems. Right?

Part of our joys in life stem from the struggle to attain joys. We reach out for things we don't actually have. And we take comfort in the victories that lead to those things.

Rampant, Steaming Bloodlust.
As a few examples.

These things require the experience of difficulty, hardship, struggle, pain, problems. Some of the problems out there are really, really big.

You are familiar with them. And you're familiar with the little problems as well. How could you live on this earth...ok. There are a few people out there, very few, who don't experience life in this way, seemingly, at least.

There are a couple of ways we deal with these problems. No. There are a great many ways we have of dealing with them. The manner in which humans solve problems range from horrifying to grotesque to ugly to startlingly different.

Well, that's not fair. Actually, if you think about it, are brains work miraculously at keeping us from smashing open the heads of people who nearly kill us in traffic or inject whoever drives you to violence.

And spare me the non-violent bullshit. Your DNA is soaked in the blood of millions of lesser apes. Unless you think humans started killing each other just recently. We all have violence in our hearts, somewhere, whether we encounter it or act on it or not.

So, from that perspective, which I hope has some validity somewhere on this planet, the manner in which people deal with the problem of other humans is quite elegant.

It seems clear we get a bad rap, from ourselves, which is neat. But there are only ever a few greedy humans really sticking it to the rest of us. As soon as THEY figured out how to get US to be THEM their work was complete.

We now live their dream, which is our dream, which is not quite a nightmare for us reading this, but certainly a nightmare for the masses.


What do we do to outrun the nightmare? Do we wake up? Can we wake up? What the fuck does that bullshit mean? Nothing.

The point here, and I'm trying to get to it, I swear is: When some people wake up and see horror all around them they sometimes go back to sleep and sometimes can never sleep again.

Some of those latter seek some other escape, true escape. And whether it is into a fantasy world (literary or libertarian), or into the real world, it almost makes no difference.

By that latter I mean: I and others like me have had the urge to hole up in the middle of nowhere and live a life of quite solitude.

To be honest, that sounds like heaven at the moment.

And that is exactly the problem, it is exactly like heaven, it's not real.

There is nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide.

You can live on only what you catch, build, and burn. Next to a river 500-1000 miles from anything like a city or a town or a walmart or quiznos or a motherfucking applebees.

And it is still not far enough.

You are a human being, living on the planet earth, in the 21st Century. You have work to do because we've gotten so many that there is nowhere to finally escape to. You are trapped with all those other monkeys and you better pull your head out of your ass if you want to change the way they, YOU, do business.

We might just save ourselves from ourselves, we might even, one day, attain something like Justice that will make Law like a crude, proto-human stone saw.

But that doesn't mean we will survive the heat long enough to get there.. Hunkering down where no one can see or hear you is just about the stupidest thing a human being can do.


The food below is one I can eat everyday format least one small meal, is simple to make, and is cheap.

what do you eat that's like that?

Maybe I'll get more food I like to eat.

It really doesn't have to be fancy BUT it must be made of whole foods and such.

Aaaaand GO!


Little yellow potatoes. Or your preference, whatever.
Salt Pepper

Boil those little fuckers, skin on, gently. You should juuust be able to get the knife through.
Allow to cool.
Peel and cut, gently.
Add diced onion, salt, pepper, and vinegar until it tastes perfectly.

It should be a tangy enough and delicious as fuck.

Or perceived corruption anyway.

I wonder if the end result is better thahahahahaha.
A man of 24 years old was dragged nearly two blocks underneath a car on Arctic and 36th.

A couple was accosted verbally by a man in a red pickup. The man who owned a small fishing company he uses to employ 4 people and support his family got his leg broke, and his wife was crushed so fully she now has a hole in her skull when the red pickup intentionally ran them down.

A 16 year old girl was charged with felony manslaughter for slamming into the car of a 27 year old mother of two.

And then there's the really bad shit that has happened, and probably will happen. I could type it all out. But you know, you don't need another reminder of how awful the world can be to the weakest or the strongest of us.

Now. There seems to be, as others have noted previously, a great disparity between the way people think the world is and the way it actually is.


Yesterday, after coming within a few feet of an angry momma moose for coming to close to her tiny young, I was told:

"That's why I do not go on the trails."

The beautiful trails. That's why they don't go on them. Because of animals. And, no doubt, animals can fuck you up. There's been many a-bear-mauling in recent years right in my city. Right on the out edges of the city where a bear would have to ninja walk to get there from elsewhere.

I've met bear mauling victims. It isn't pretty.

However, the idea that you have to give up on TREES because other people get mauled by bears or trampled by moose or accosted by alcoholics who live back in those woods basically is just stupid.

You minimize your risks. You take safety precautions. You arm and armor yourself in whatever fashion you're capable of.

You don't give up on walking around trees ever again because of someone else's trauma.


There are legions of people sitting in their own rotted chemical nightmares, for no reason, or because of perceived danger, or the idea that real danger is going to happen to...wait.

That's kind of closer to the point.

You are in real danger.

If the American government did want to start executing citizens by the truckfull, who exactly would stop them?

If you step into the wrong street you can end up robbed, rapped, killed or worse.

You could conceivably be run over any second near any street. A motherfucking bee could motherfucking sting a little old human and boom. You're not making it to work.

Perhaps it's because many of these people are often superstitious, spiritual, or religious. Or otherwise to not consider the immense vastness and randomness of the physical universe they inhabit. I mean, a god damned space THING nearly smacked right into Russia, like, how many weeks ago?

Maybe people just aren't all designed to think about the greater impact of the world on them, and just follow any pattern they're comfortable with provided it provides succor. And thus, they think because there are dangers they can see, they are unlike the dangers they don't see.

That's just fucked. And maybe why there are so many damned things and people need to feel so safe all the time. They know there are dangers, and in the dark they stumble onto a few, and ultimately assume that if they switch on a light they'll wake up to a world thriving with danger.

They are right. But that's not good enough.
No, don't tell me. PLEASE don't tell me.

If you tell me then I'll tell you and we will spend all of our time telling each other things.

About stuff.

But that's the question I ask myself a lot. The mark of a living religion is the manner in which it changes, the power its practitioner has to shape it, control it. Do we NEED religion? Read that again. Remember where you are. Why aren't you on FB this exact second? Why aren't you watching TV/hulu/Netflix? Why do you even brother? Do we (humans) need religion?

We make fun of people who wear funny hats an awful lot, and there's plenty of material. But deep down, I think we all know that we just happen to think our funny hat is funnier than everyone else's, and in all other ways superior. At least, I feel that way.

And, of course, we (ME) are (AM) correct. But that's hard to explain to other people, for some.reason you always end up looking like a dick.

So, like any polite person, you live in the way of your chosen hat, whatever it means to you, and it (DISCORDIA) probably doesn't come.up a lot. But people can tell when you've accepted your Very Goofy Self, or your Horrible Self, which really, for me, is the same usually.

Which is TERRIFYING, apparently.

But then, what the fuck is the problem? Why anger and no joy? Why horror and no mirth? Why does Discordia have to be such a fucking...oh right.

Aha, my apologies. Duh.
I don't have anybody who could even begin to help me with this. You spags are smart and shit though.

My dilemma is: Do I run a Groupon or not?

I have to take over my friends business or I'm out on my ass starting from scratch, which, in its own way, would be quite relieving.
I need $5k to buy it, and then take over the lease for $1000 month (including some remodel financing, it'll drop to $800 after a time).
I need people working in those rooms, I'll have three including mine. If I rent out each at $500, very reasonable in this town, my rent is covered and all my stuff is profit more or less.
If I don't have anyone in the rooms I don't eat food.

-Quick money I desperatey need in large(ish) sums.
-I can POTENTIALLY (that's what scares me) cheaply pay inexperienced therapists and help build their careers.
-New clients for myself
-Bigger and better reputation in town if I pull it off
-It's like getting paid to advertise

-Very stressful. Calls, emails, strangers. I hate working on new person after new person.
-I can pay people, but I need some of that money myself, so I'll need to do massages myself. As many as I can, while keeping the therapists paid
-Once you work on someone, and they want to come back, you can hardly have repeats because there are more and more and more groupon customers.
-You can do less but earn way less.

Basically, I'm under-capitalized, under-planed, over-stressed, and BLARGE and I need this injection to make it ALL work or figure something else out. Fast.

Some other way of earning five grand in a few months. That's, you know, legal.

Looking at that list make me reconsider the groupon. The horror.

You spags make me think even when you don't say anything.
Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / PNW PEOPLE
May 16, 2013, 01:13:50 AM
So, I'll be down in the area for 3 weeks in July to celebrate my marriage.

In that time I'd like to:
A. See as much of the PNW as I can, with quantity < quality.
B. Meet as many spags as is comfortable in one any one sitting.

Couple questions:
1. Is there a decent carless way to get around that area? Bus tickets look pretty cheap. Is that system shit? I'll probably get some kind of rental, but would like to use it as little as possible.
2. Where are good places to camp? (Anyone wanna go camping?)
3. Anybody can/want to put me and Mrs. Alty up for a day or two?
Cuz that would be rad.

I'd like to hit the Seattle area and PDX, but more time in the woods are better.
Here for your ctrl-5ing pleasure I present:


First up,
Yin Yoga.

I have been reading up on yoga a lot because its a possible career direction and I really like it. It is, however, heavily steeped in hogwash, fuzzy logic, and plain old snake oil. Yin Yoga or Taoist Yin or Taoist Yoga is the first suspect, and with good reason.


Firstly, I've been recently made to understand that teachers or Yogic masters or whatever are not supposed to "perform" for people to entice them into practice. Secondly, LOOK AT THAT SHLUB. Watch as he stakes his claim to putting two words seperated by lands and cultures together in such a hamfisted way it makes me want to puke, in EVERY FUCKING PARAGRAPH, ON EVERY PAGE.

JESUS, what a cockhole. as far as I can tell, some.of this practice involves ligament and joint work, stretching, a lot of stuff that sounds useful to me, IF I CAN SIFT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT. The other part of "Taoist Yoga Healing" is using the breath to push "life force" to various parts of the body.

Now, this is where your imagination CAN help you. The imagined sensation of "pushing air" to areas of pain will probably induce the same effects as any other carefully executed relaxation technique, possibly more so as it is targeted and the brain is being guides along very carefully.

Are you doing anything metaphysical? Have a seat while you think about that.

Anyway, that guys is a dumbass, but typical for his type. Gotta make that money.
Oatmeal is super nutritional, yeah? And you need it because your metabolism is a small black hole, no mass can escape it. Its a miracle you don't digest yourself away in the night and you need some fucking CALORIES right? RIGHT?

Then again, maybe you just need a simple staple food to start the day that isn't sweet potatoes. But, like, oats are nasty. You can add peanut butter, until your body betrays you and you can't, and banana. This will make eating oatmeal bearable. If you cannot eat peanut butter you are FUCKED FOREVER...


Rolled oats or steel cut.
Banana or other similarly enjoyable fruit.

Oh my sweet Jesus fuck. Oatmeal is suddenly no longer a laborious burden to bear. It actually easily transfers from a bowel to your belly. Magic.
I got pretty defensive and launched right into EXTREME THINKING.

Sorry about that. Nigel, I certainly don't intend to say it's my place to judge where people draw the lines in their lives, or what they need out of life to be happy. And I realize, after some consideration, Nobody is under any obligation to spend their lives taking care of other people, for any reason. I definitely don't think you should be launched into the sun. Really, I don't want to launch anyone into the sun.

Except for Sarah Palin, Enya, and people who fail to use a turn signal.

Except, of course, if a persons child becomes severely ill or disabled. In that case it certainly seems to me that, as you created and brought this life to that point, it's your load to bear. As a society we should help those that cannot help themselves, and we should provide a net for people that have to care for children who need it.

I realize I might be coming at this from the wrong angle, but it comes down to responsibility, yeah? You're not responsible for your spouse's drinking problem or depression (unless in you are, in which case that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship). You shouldn't have to torture yourself by giving yourself that burden. What if your spouse loses their legs in a car accident and get depression as a result? What if they get into a car accident and can no longer function in many ways that do not require full hospitalization? Again, ultimately, you're not responsible for that.

There's nothing in the whole world that says that you HAVE to stick through a marriage like that.

What if you say that you would? Most marriage vows I have ever heard involve the same things over and over. I even verbally amended my own to make sure I didn't promise to do or be anything I won't, because otherwise I'd just be lying. If I were to become a burden on my wife I would prefer she leave and be happy than be miserable because of my illness. I would certainly prefer she leave if I became abusive, just as I would leave in the same situation. But I would ultimately prefer that she help me and see me though what she can so I can at least have what joy I could in her presence. And this is what I would do for her, for as far into the limits of my tolerance to bear the weight, and maybe past it because I don't know when to quit sometimes.

That said, my own has had a very serious problem crop up in this regard. I have just gotten to the point, a month into my actual marriage, where there is only the once more and I'm done. It takes quite a bit to bring me to that point.

Now, every marriage is it's own thing. What makes one person happy, what keeps them satisfied, what makes a partnership between two individuals possible varies so widely that details are so important. I would even say that most relationships are founded and broken on them. Details matter when you're hole'd up with another monkey.

Who am I to say what details should matter when to whom? Nobody, that's who.

And of course, abuse is abuse is abuse. No matter the details.

Behavior is important, regardless of intent or condition. Effort has to come from both sides to maintain a healthy sense of how you're actively treating the other person, otherwise things are just going to slip.

Another point, marriage has for some time been used to control women to truly ugly and evil levels. And there are many people who think you're supposed to stay with someone NO MATTER WHAT and endure LARGE AMOUNTS OF SUFFERING because you promised or some bullshit. I certainly think that's a stupid thing to do, and shitty advice to give.

Ah, sorry, I got nothing more. My brain and body are exhausted, I'm using a standing desk for the first time, and don't have my laptop. I do hope most of that was coherent and none of it makes me look like a complete asshole.

Literate Chaotic / HALP WANTED.
April 21, 2013, 11:43:24 PM
I am looking for anyone who would like to write fiction with me.

Specifically, fantasy/action fiction.

I believe that perhaps part of what keeps me from writing the stories in my head is that writing is lonely work. Working with one of you space might be just the thing to get these damned things down on paper.

Three Things:

Because many people think about many things when they think Fantasy, let me be clear:

1. I enjoy taking commonly held notions about rarely used tropes and mythological figures and messing them up real good. What would unicorns ACTUALLY be like, as in, in a world run by a manevolent deity? What would a person that can actually fly BE like? What would an actually mermaid look like based on reasonable assumptions RE: nature and the laws of physics.

2. NO ALLEGORY. I would like to USE current and recent events, but not make moral judgements. There is no moral. Look, don't look at me.

3. This will be messy. Really messy. No quitting, butthurt, or ego related nonsense. Our egos don't matter. "The story, not he who tells it."

Aside from that I'm open minded. I can easily see an arrangement of Your Idea THEN My Idea, back and forth. I only need one (1) person per story, and I have a bunch of them.

I am not as skilled as I would like to be, especially when it comes to dialogue. I would like to work with someone whose skills compliment my own or is capable of pushing me and being pushed.

Its a long shot, but I thought I'd give it a go.

The first story I'd like to write is about survival, explosions, loss of dignity, isolated and decimated people who fight back for freedom.

Anyway, PM if interested. If you have ideas for your own stories and want to work with someone, I am more than willing, and apologize in advance if I think you're a swell person but this just doesn't work out.


I am way into self improvement. That's, like, the very best part about life, being a better human than you were the day before. It is one the primary motivators in my life, the need to do and be and act better.

Since turning 18 or so I have fundamentally altered the way I eat, sleep, talk to people, use my body, give my resources to people, among other things. I constantly try to improve on those improvements. I have many outrageous goals and hopes and dreams and am generally, despite my grouchy personality, am very enthusiastic about life.

That said, there comes a point, while developing your self, that you hit a wall. Sometimes you hit a cliff. Sometimes the cliff hits you.

Often you can experience a physical affliction that limits your physical ability, sometimes you can experience physical afflictions that limit your mental ability.

Sometimes you are a certain way and that will never change...

For example, I will never, ever stop:
- forgetting where I put my wallet/keys/smokes/paperwork/file. This has been this way since I was a teenager. My mother is like this. Every relationship I have ever had I have warned people about it and told them they can get upset about it but they'll be doing that a lot.
- forgetting what I was talking about mid-sentence.
Same as above.
- being chatty.
I have stopped this, and can again, but I don't want to because in am naturally chatty. In fact, I very naturally never SHUT UP. I can talk about anything anywhere anytime with anybody for as long as my jaw functions. I have gone near to the end of this ability.
- return my library books on time.
Its like I do it on purpose. I cannot stop this from happening. Even if I go years doing well I will fuck it up at some point.

These are just Things That Are, and I suspect every person who is honest with themselves will admit they have something similar. Even people who excel at bettering them selves.

Discordian Recipes / Peleo thoughts.
April 10, 2013, 07:20:48 PM
I've been reading about the peleo diet. I have many thoughts and am still looking through it, so I'll have more.

Firstly, I don't see any flat out unhealthy and dangerous advice there, provided the user does not cram their bodies with as much fruit as they can manage.

Secondly, the better researched, better thought out resources I found agree that, obviously, dairy is fine to consume, especially if it is cultured. Yogurt is hella good for you, if you avoid the cheap, syrupy shit. Cheddar cheese is good for you, it helps regulate bacteria in your mouth. Milk itself is different, as it is so high in lactose, and I think we can all agree that lactose isn't all that fucking swell...BUT...

Thirdly,  grains. We haven't had access to grains (as we typically enjoy it in the civilized worked) as we do now until very recently in our DNA's history, so the argument goes.

And I can see their point, especially with regard to inflammation. I get it. We need fat, we are fatty acids deep down, trying to get laid, we need more fat to make that fat. Apes and cows and shit ferment food in their bellies to make fat. FAT FAT FAT. All those carbs, they don't make US as efficiently as straight up fat.

But the thing of it is, we have only been very interesting since about the same time we DID start eating grains. Because we are not simple mammals hopping to and fro in the delights of the "natural" world. No, we are mean, predatory, meat eating savage apes. We are the worst kinds of motherfucking scum in the animal kingdom, and I find that empowering.

The point was....

Oh yeah, grains MAKE you GO. And they are cheap, easy to store, multifaceted in use/application/form, easier to control than livestock or fruit trees, fill you up, and allow you to stretch beyond your reach.

And, shit man, that's what MAKES us human. We reach beyond what we can see, beyond what we can do. That's our nature. If the fox is cunning and the rabbit afraid and the lion fearless, we reach beyond our ability.

And we do it dirty when we do it. Just look at how much we have to shit in our own house to get to the stars. Grains are the fossil fuels your body uses to boost to the motherfucking SCIENCE! that will enable you to DO.

Also, a person can only eat so many sweet potatoes.

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / ATTN EDUCATORS!
December 31, 2012, 09:53:08 PM
Could I persuade you to share information you have or are aware about regarding how to:

1. Create a curriculum.
As specific as possible, most of what I found online is very general.

2. Anything and everything postsecondary school.

I'm giving thought to opening a very small massage school in the future and need DATA.

Thank you so much.

With this new forum comes a feeling of dread, it's so soft and different. Also it reminds me of certain other forums which died before they were able to choke down a single gulp of filthy air.

I wrote something a while back about how Discordia has made me better, and I really failed to say what I wanted to say.

Discordia hasn't ever made me better then anyone else, it doesn't raise me up or but THEM down. Its only there for me, and me is what it made better.

I am a better person than the person I used to be, mostly because of this place and you jerks. Discordia made ME better, not me better than. I will always, always be grateful for that.

Also, I've been to other forums, they're all shittier than this place.

There, that's better.
PM me your address and I will, over the course of a measure of time, send you a magical card of merriment. Or something very close.

Either way it will explode with glitter, and love, when you open it.

ETA: Belgians and variants welcome.
Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Persistence VS Hope
December 01, 2012, 07:29:48 PM
I know I live in a prison.

That's why I have hope.

When I'm sitting around my cell, knowing full well what it is, despite the heavy curtain and the new carpet, I have to have some little place to put the POWER of my POSITIVE THOUGHTS about my future. Otherwise it would be scattered around the cell, taking up valuable space. So I build a small shrine out of tiny bits and pieces of broken things, and I sit next to it every now and again, putting up an offering of optimism and good intention.

And what a total fucking waste of time that is. Necessary, unavoidable in the human body, but nearly pointless. Hope functions the same way CPR keeps the brain alive for harvesting, most of the time. It has it's uses, is what I'm saying.

But persistence does what hope cannot: ACT. Sure, I may persist in the hope of breaking out of my cell, or merely in the hope that I can get some color in here. But I can't act if I'm sitting by that god damned shrine all god damned day long. I have to get my ass up and MOVE. And hope alone will not even compel me to do this. Persistence can so often be done for its own sake.

I know I'm in a prison, and I'm fairly certain I can't get past these wall. But if I continue to look for ways past it I will gain other, more valuable abilities.

Or I could just keep staring at this shrine.



Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Erisian Ceremony
November 30, 2012, 08:01:17 PM
I'm not an overly sentimental person. But it is perhaps a mistake to neglect the importance of certain holydays, traditions, and other repeatable and value-driven, lunar-oriented frenzy. If you are outnumbered 7 billion to one, smile, right? And try to smile on time.

I used to hate that, now I just don't care.

But as my wedding approaches I find things are kinda hard to plan out when you don't stick to these basic traditions. Traditions are like markers made and shared so that people know where to go.

What is perhaps not so shocking is this silly little religion seems to be important enough to me that I think to myself, ''Eris probably wasn't invited to that wedding because the other gods remembered the parties she had actually attended and thought it best for all involved.''

Now what were THOSE parties like?

The hardest part is finding the right person to officiate the ceremony. People usually have a pastor or something, other go the judge route but, meh. Because of my state laws anyone can officiate, the trouble is there's no one here I WANT to do that.

In fact, the only sort of person is want to do it would be another Discordian. And I'd want them to put the heat on.

Is it silly to seek out ways to cram Discordianism in certain times in your life?

Do you ever do this?

Would you invite what you love most about this bullshit into the most important parts of your life?

It's pretty swell having a bona fide Holy Man™ to go to when I need Quality Spiritual Guidance. I've gotten spiritual guidance before, from several sources, and those other jerks do not provide the quality. Especially the sexually repressed non-denominational Christian, they have nothing of value to say about anything most of the time.

I'm saying this because I want you to know that I truly appreciate the services you render.

I'm saying that because I want to a soft start before I


Now, just to be clear: I am not asking you to clear out your voicemail box own phone.

This can be done with a Google Voice account. A random phone number that has no connection to your actual phone and transcribes the messages. It transcribes them very oddly. If you leave such a number on your forum profile, why, who knows what kind of truly awe inspiring fuckery would take place there?
n your own phone.

I know what I would leave you, and I don't know if you'd like it, but it would make me feel a lot better. Like a confessional booth in the deepest levels of whatever level of hell Taylor Swift is going. I know it would probably make other people feel better too.




Hey, so yeah, I ask you Discordians, isn't it time we had some two way communication here? Huh? Hey that uh, shit my beans.
Aneristic Illusions / Worst. Spy. Ever.
November 11, 2012, 07:53:22 PM

Link because of the fail.

All I really have to say about this, and I'm sure it's been said and thought elsewhere, is who the fuck cares if this guy is screwing around? And then it struck me: he didn't resign because he had an affair, he resigned because when you're the Big Man at the CIA you should DAMN WELL BE ABLE TO KEEP A FUCKING SECRET!

My questions is, why do these articles play up the illicit nature of the affair instead of his incompetence as a spy? It's like this guy is Tiger Woods or something. Children will puke up their Wheaties because General Petraeus is a human being?

Also, you can tell the reporter in that article is in la-la land right here:
QuoteShe was a fellow West Point graduate, a counter-terrorism expert, a fitness champion and a tall, striking brunette two decades his junior who had modelled for a machine gun manufacturer.
Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / An apology
November 11, 2012, 06:57:23 PM
I want to say that I am sorry for the way I acted here during the feminism thingy.

I got really upset and it sort of spiraled out of control. Most of that came from stuff going on that had nothing to do with those conversations, I now realize. I don't enjoy getting needlessly hostile with people whose company and opinions I appreciate, a lot. That shit used to happen with me all the time, but it's been awhile.

The details of that argument are not quite as important as the way I handled a good deal of pent up rage know, I'm sorry for that.

Especially with how things broke down with Nigel, as that was especially bad. I consider you a good friend and had a great time hanging out with you and would like to do that again some time. I would hate to lose something like that.
Know this: once you go Discordian, you never go outside again.

It doesn't matter if you ask for it or not. That's what people don't get about this religion. Most of the lesser faiths strive to make the world a better place, even if just for themselves, even if just in their own mangled brainmeat. SHE COMES. And when I say that, boy do I mean it.

Discordia is the only deity who you will keep coming back for, even when the time of fun has passed. She's also the only deity that actually GETS OFF on your misery. I know this, for I saw her in a vision today.

I saw her, behind me in the hallway as I lay face down on a very, very unpleasant bathroom floor. Unpleasant because of HORRIBLE, BOWL-QUAKING DISEASE. No, not mine. MINE is going directly in the god damned toilet where it belongs. Oddly, the dibilitating back pain wasn't as noticeable when trawling your stomach for errant spoiled food. Until I had to sneeze.

Through the moaning in pain and vile manner in which my body was betraying me I could hear her giggling. I could FEEL her enjoyment. It doesn't matter what I post here, or how often, or the quality....SHE still gets her fun. And her fun doesnt have to be fun to be fun. I feel like she took it all the way home today.

Then again...maybe she didn't. Maybe, very probably actually, this is nowhere near the worst of it. In fact, the more I think about it the more rediculous any other alternative seems.

I can't describe the smile that puts on my face.

Regardless, I hearby declare all food as my ENEMY. I don't need it. All it does is slow me down and fuck with my guts. I'm going breatharian*, SPAGS. Just see if I don't.

*That means I can eat as many quarter pounders with cheese as I want. So GO FUCK YOURSELF.**

EDIT-I actually looked it up.
Techmology and Scientism / Poisoned Well
October 09, 2012, 12:22:00 AM

I was inching toward it anyway, but this confirmed my desire to deactivate my facebook. It's been a few weeks now, and speaking as someone who first got online in 2007, as someone who has used social networks heavily in that time, and as A MOTHER, I don't miss it even a little bit.

True, low maintenance trolling is a fun time had by all. But I find I have more mental energy for fucking with people IRL. Also, developing better meat-based interpersonal relationships. But that's just me. I thought you all might find this interesting, or maybe one of you can rip these findings to shreds or offer some perspective.
Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Hey fuckasses!
September 27, 2012, 07:04:13 PM

Man that emote does not get used enough.
But I actually have nowhere else to turn. Sorry about that.

I think I came the closest I've ever come to not wanting to log on to this place ever again yesterday. I actually started thinking about it, putting it in the planning stage. Of course, that wouldn't get far on its own, but it did show me something:

There's nothing else, as far as social interactions or community. That's a little fucking sad but I'm not dwelling on that detail. What I am is grateful. After I got back from being NOT HERE and meeting some of you I felt A) an intense sense of isolation, which had been there all along, I was just able to notice it. B) vindication that comes from knowing that just because there are no people around you that can only tangentially relate to in any meaningful way isn't your fault.

I've gotten so much better at dealing with people since being at PD. I've learned how to do my best to relate and interact with others. I put in the effort now. It still does little good IRL. Every day I feel further and further away from these people, people who are my friends. The ones who do nothing but stare at screens and gain political insight from hackneyed television shows.

It's better to focus on our collective meatyness, our inescapable and common truth of being composed of yet-uncooked mammal, but, you know...
Anecdote tiem:

I was just in a bar. The Blue Fox, to be exact. I love this place and me and my future wife play dominoes on Saturdays there. Feel free to join us.

I was pretty upset about certain discussions regarding feminism. But I was getting over it using a Internet vacation (minus my feeds, which frighten me [thanks, Cain]) and some beer and some familiar places. At some point, my fiancé was killing me 2 out of 3. I got up and used the bathroom. On my way was a pool table where two hispanic gentlement were playing. One of them gave a good long look. As the bathroom door shut behind me I heard the all too familiar word:


I did nothing. I was walking to the bathroom. And I realized FEMINISM can do nothing to help me. In this situation, a non-white male calling a white male a faggot... You know what that is? It's an asshole being an asshole. So I'll keep a watch out for assholes, and you can fucking KEEP feminism.

-Lord of the Rings fans
-Having your toenails ripped off slowly
-Hot coffee that has gone lukewarm
-Warm pilsner
-That itchy feeling after you banged somebody but it turns out it isn't the herp, maybe nerves
-That itchy feeling after you banged somebody and it ISN'T nerves
-That day when you NEED clean underwear and don't have any
-Libertari-ok, nobody is worse than a libertarian.
Hey, so I need some dancy-dancy, shake-it music for,

I tend to avoid clubs and dancy places, and you weirdos tend to have excellent taste.




And it came to pass that PD.COM shifted like sand in the wind...
Or was it shitted in a hand full of win...
or sifted through ham to find the whimsey.
And it came to pass that PD.COM was a different place than it was before.
And it came to pass that TEH GAWDESS transifgured mine face before thine eyes so thath thou would gayley shed the coil of SIN and DEGRADATION and FULLY UNDERSTANDABLE MISUNDERSTANDING.
And it came to pass that my visiage would lighteth the coldest hearts and maketh them unto mine own image.
And it came to pass that the Moople and his people would train giant rodents to attack congress.
And it came to pass that Eris was pleased.
Which is never a good thing, come to think of it.

Please make a donation on your way out.
Quote from: Cain on August 18, 2012, 05:32:39 AM
Quote from: Prototype Jesus on August 17, 2012, 11:17:40 PM
Yep.  But the 17 year old isn't the responsible party.

That depends on exactly what he was doing and where he was placed.

On the Eastern Front, looting, raping, torture, murder and the destruction of entire villages were entirely encouraged by the Wehrmacht's chain of command.  In Belarus, one of the favoured methods to punish partisans was to get the members of that partisan's village, round them all up, shove them in a barn and then set it on fire.  Soldiers would then shoot anyone who tried to escape.

The German Army also enthusiastically took part in the sorting, detainment and mass killings of Jewish civilians.  In some parts of Poland and Ukraine, they were actually beating the SS when it came to Jewish deaths.

While joining the SS certainly shows more intent to do vicious and evil acts, it doesn't necessarily follow that it made it any more likely.  Going by Snyder's figures on former Soviet territorial casualties, the German Army was a thoroughly wicked institution on a par with the Nazi paramilitary units, and had it not been for the fact they were needed after the war to defend Western Germany against the Soviet Union, a lot more members of the military would have joined the leading Nazis in being executed.

Of course, if the Soviets had also told the truth about what happened on the Eastern Front, instead of spending all their time concocting their bullshit propaganda about the "Great Patriotic War" and how the noble Russians were the real victims/had saved the world, it might have been harder for the Wehrmacht's history to have been whitewashed so effectively.

A lot of it comes down to where a soldier served.  On the Western Front, and in North Africa, the German Army was a lot more constrained, probably due to their acceptance of Nazi racial policy and the privileged place the British and French had in that schema when compared with Slavs. 

But there is no comparison, for instance, between a German PoW camp for British soldiers, and one for Soviet soldiers.  You can't even compare the Russian gulags, in terms of death rates, to the German PoW camps for Soviet troops camps.  I believe the latter had something like a 90% casualty rate, most of it caused by enforced starvation, torture and refusing to provide basic clothing.  The belief was that Slavs were more resistant to the cold, and so didn't need to be given footwear when snow was on the ground, for example.

Whoops. Hit post too soon. One moment please.

These were kids doing horrible things, yes? People of all ages, but many young men, right? What makes Germans any different than British and Soviet troops? Or any troops for that matter?

It's clear that people all contain a certain sense of rottenness in them. It's highly unlikely that any of the genes that survived to make the brains that sit in our skulls weren't gotten by some truly cruel acts that may have been seen as self-preservation, may have at time been for self-preservation. Maybe simple violence to ensure what you have is your own. Isn't that how German citizens were swayed?

Their economy, their country was in the shitter. Piles of worthless money better used for kindling because of inflation. And they were talked into a great idea, that their dream was only out of their reach because The Enemy had it in their grubby hands.

And when you accept something as everyday fact: Jews are subhumans who have taken your due entitlement.

I guess what I'm saying is: There's not a whole lot separating those Germans from other people besides the situation they were in.

If that's the case, who exactly is to blame? And where does accountability for committing those acts with your hands begin? Where does it end? How do we keep that from happening?

I mean, the Germans have worked pretty hard to eradicate those kinds of thoughts socially. Americans take it for granted that they're Not Like That. It's sort of terrifying how quickly the methods the Nazis used are requisitioned and liberally applied, and people can't see them for what they are.

Those kids with the kittens, they were clearly human, but they weren't above killing, and much worse than killing. But they were still human.

Something else but I've forgotten.

I don't want to say HOW I know, it's enough that I do:

Totally. Hairless.

I know what you're thinking. You've seen him with facial hair. You're also no doubt aware that merkins are incredibly versatile.

If you think I'm stupid, if you think I'm wrong, if you believe I am misguided or under some kind of misapprehension about something or other


And not just me. Tell everyone. Treat everyone who isn't a complete cock like a friends who's got a giant fucking booger on the end of their nose. You gonna let your friend go out like that to try make meat noises with other people? Ok, well maybe you're one of those kind of friends, and you think it's funny. That's different, because it's funny.

Point being, when you whimper and whine you make yourself look totally pathetic.

I like it when people tell me I'm stupid, provided I'm being stupid, because I don't want to be stupid.

And if you want to reserve silent hate toward me, that's cool to. But please don't expect anything but open, direct hostility from me if you can only take lazy, safe swipes. Or anyone around me, really. It doesn't really matter if it's directed AT me or not, passive-aggressive bullshit make my shit turn into liquid hot iron. In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm not aggressive enough about that kind of thing. Maybe I need more practice.

I see people put up with that shit in their lives all the time and feel BAD for doing something wrong to the other person. I've seen people build their whole lives around appeasing passive-aggressives and it makes me want to puke. I've lived like that and it makes me want to puke.

Never again.

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Dusty Altars
August 07, 2012, 07:32:55 PM
It's hard to let go sometimes.

Especially when you spent so much time reading, discovering, practicing. And then, because humans are as humans do, you go out and you buy things.

Shiny trinkets, specifically. Shiny trinkets carefully layered  with mysticism and bubble wrap. You choose each one special, a tiny chunk of pretty designed to fill the crevices in dog-tired skull.

Also, because of the humanity, we can loosely agree on a standard these physical fillers should possess. An alter with a bunch a mish-mash is...well that'd be a voodoo altar, I suppose. But most CIVILIZED people :lulz: agree on standard altar-ware, otherwise what's the point in showing off your new athame or your bloody new crucifix?

So that makes things easier, you know what to get already. It was in those books you read.

But keep reading. And no matter how long that little altar sits there, no matter how close you hold those trinkets to your heart, if you do keep reading you will eventually let them collect dust. That place of peace and worship is now little more than a corner of your room you don't need to decorate anymore.

And perhaps it still gives off a quiet sense of peace, that's why it stays, inside you and inside your home. Because you chose all those little things. Each one means something to you. Because religion, any religion (yes Discordianism too) is just a way of connecting, a way of explaining and discussing all those things that words and actions by themselves do not accomplish.

But man, don't tell me the altars in your head, the ones where you put little pictures of horror and humor Eris seeks to imprint on your fragile meat-mind, never gets dusty.

Fortunately, the dust settles in with all that jenkem and you don't notice so much.

*whew* another religious crisis averted, and further proof the Discordian Way Of Life is better whatever the hell YOU are doing.
Literate Chaotic / Absolution Gap - Rant and Review
August 05, 2012, 01:24:08 AM
Not necessarily in that order.


There's different level of nerdiness you know. At the BLECH end of that spectrum are most certainly those Geek-Chic types who have to constantly impress you with their expansive love of all things Geek(TM). It's just another sort of funny hat. Not that I have a problem with funny hats...

We know better though, so let's please not pretend this rampant self-identification is anything more than a soothing salve for an aching mammal brain looking for community, a sense of belonging. And that's OK. Thankfully, we Discordians have escaped this terrible peril. You know I'm off on a tangent here...

NERDS. That's it. There's different levels, as with any subgroup people put themselves into. We shape many of our desires out of our need for that sort of thing. You like that feeling of watching football with people you care about, especially when you're young--->Fantasy football has an appeal. Or something. I'm not trying to lay down science here, mostly rambling. Point, was...

I do not enjoy Star Trek. I no longer enjoy Star Wars, at least not without some sense of self-loathing. I cannot abide Dr. Who. In fact, and I realize I may hurt people dear to me when I say: Dr. Who sucks. It's terrible, IMO. Blech.

More to the point: I didn't enjoy Wall-E. The first half was amazing, silent robot love story. I'm so there. The other part...the part where Disney Pixar tells me that over consumption may not be a great idea in the long run, and that I may want to get outside more make me do terrible things with fire. Also, another thing. Two things:

  • Imagine: I am a big sack of lazy meat with no sense of reality. I depend of robots for my entire existence. I hear the phrase "Rouge Robots" I shit my pants until I die. Flabby flesh VS Mechanical Arm? Complete morons vs an AI that can open a fucking airlock and space whomever...I mean shit didn't any of those Pixar nerds ever read 2001? Huh? HUH? C'mon.
  • *Breathe, just breathe* Also: Those people were supposed to be up there for 700 years, right? And somehow they just stay in stasis, culturally? Beyond the basic application of science and history...if there is a message in there somewhere saying we don't grow as people because we're so wrapped up in our consumption and Look out the fucking window. People aren't in stasis. They are stagnating, they are allowing widespread doom to people so that they can live in a way they think of as happily. People will always find a way to shit on other people. And yeah, I know that things are better now than they've been before for many people. But you shove people into a metal can for 700 years and Shit is going to Happen.

Ok, I may have lost some friends with that one. But I warned you. Now, why am I like this? Why can't I, after having watched this movie many, many times just not let it go.

Because, in part, of this man:

Alistair Reynolds. Now, he's Welsh, but he's also a great writer. I'm going to just assume you haven't read him because then I can blab.

He was an astrophysicists at the European Space Agency for 12 years before pursuing writing full time. I will say right out of the gate that his biggest flaw is: EVERYONE IN SPACE IS AN ASTROPHYSICIST. To a dull, aching degree at times. He has others, but that's the big one.

His best book, IMHO is Chasm City. It's like a detective nior in space. That one has humanity's first attempt to get to another start via Generation ships. Thousands sleep, frozen, and families stat alive and die and have kids who takeover taking care of the frozen. "Some mistakes you only make once." And why? because people are nasty things, especially when they've been cooped up to long. Great book.

THIS one, Absolution Gap, is the last of three. Each one is very much its own story (as opposed to Game of Thrones which is much more one giant book) with a neat, impressive arc. It was pretty damned sweet.

I guess, what I mean to say, is that I'm a nerd too. But I keep it at home, where kids can't see.

Recently I opined that Discordianism makes you a better person.

I just want to clarify this does NOT mean this religion will make you better than other people. In some instances, yes.

Payne, for example, is a much better Messiah than you could get with any other religion. His Holy(TM) last longer and at a greater frequency than the leading competitor (which I believe is Tom Cruise).

And you can bet money you won't find better a Dark Empresses than Nigel. Have you even shopped around? I have, let me assure you she offers top of the line terrifying religious frenzy. Accept no substitute.

Let's no pretend anyone has anything on our The Good Dead Reverend Roger. Did you know most preachers buy books of pre-written sermons? Canned sermons? Jesus.

Anyhow. These clear examples of superiority aside, Discordianism doesn't make you better than anyone else save for one. After experiencing the power of Eris you will be better than YOU were before. Here is a small list of ways Eris can help improve your horrible, culturally mutilated self"

-You will smell better.
-You will stop using faux ebonics.
-You will gain powerful insights into the lives of perverts you didn't know existed.
-You will be able to retain your fluids for longer, then release them in small, high-powered burst.
-You may experience moments where you actually think for yourself.
-You will learn to laugh at the misfortune of others, but most especially yourself.
-You will take up useless hobbies that enrich your brain meat.
-You will speak fearlessly to morons, making their teeth gnash and their eyes weep tears of blood.
-You will enjoy oranges more thoroughly.
And much, much more.


So don't hesitate, kids. Go down to your local pharmacy and get a good dose of Eris shoved into your tear-ducts and weep like a little baby on a roller coaster. More better than previously.

It doesn't really take much for people to make jokes about happy endings.

It's the default position most of your friends will take when the subject comes up. Not decent people's friends, people that would associate with you argumentative freaks and perverts.

Some therapists get very upset thinking about the parlors, some don't give a damn, and none-too-few engage of shaming of their own. I don't have any hard feelings toward those people. As far as I can see it's one of the safest forms of prostitution. These women are in from cold, they have a building where men are much less likely to get rough, and the whole ordeal very nearly a victimless ordeal.

Until you come along stuff like this:

Or, even better:

The last one always leaves me a bit sick. These assholes are reviewing these women like motherfucking books on amazon.

Places like these most definitely engage in sex trafficking, mostly from Asia as far as I can tell.

In contrast you have stuff like this:

Now she definitely does not like the word prostitution. And when you put your hands all over another persons body it really can seem like it's not. It seems like the most natural thing to do, really. In fact, a lot of what goes into sex DOES happen in a massage. But I think that's based on the perspective of a sexually repressed culture. Touch is a funny thing, and it does things to your brain you can't actually have a conversation with yourself about.

What is your view on low-level prostitution like this? Is there such a thing as less-harmless prostitution?
...and I give you the Official Newage Solution™.



Let us, for a brief moment, consider the above picture. Let's also immediately ignore the lack of funnay, the gross over simplification of complex issues, and the epically broad brush strokes used on this tired and worn canvas.

There's something about that pic that just gets right in my brain and won't shake loose. After some consideration, it's this:

These issues, these issues that are oh so fucking critical to the self-proclaimed conservative (nevermind the inherent fallacy of a "conservative" indirectly advocating for laws that liberally apply legal measures that directly effect the right of an individual's body), these issues are motherfucking philosophies. Modern conservative ideology, all that shit that makes talk radio the success it is, and makes pics like this humorous to warped and molded neural pathways of slacktivist conservatives everywhere, places such a heavy focus on the IDEA of how we should run things. They are all concepts, floating around in space.

Flag burning BAD.
Abortions BAD.
Illegal aliens BAD. (Nevermind that outsourcing causes much more substantial harm to our economy)

It's all so much mental masturbation, and THEY get oh so butthurt about it.

Two things get ME all butthurt about this.

1. The problem with liberals, the thing that makes them such a pain in the ass to deal with, is that they are so god damned ineffective. They're wishful thinkers who can't organize to save their own god damned lives and create change for the better. They're like the Newagers of politics. Absurd, not actually effective, often spineless.

And that's still an over generalization. There are plenty of liberals who are effective in what they do. It's just by and large..

2. The thing that really makes my asshole itch: PEOPLE ARE GETTING RAPED. RIGHT NOW. Male, female, children. Oh yeah, children, ALREADY BORN CHILDREN, are starving to death, being beaten to death, and much, much worse. That shit is happening IN AMERICA, RIGHT NOW. In other countries children are made to murder other people. Elsewhere, the debate about what is and is not a life isn't so much an issue as women's genitals being mutilated. Women having no choice about who they have sex with and no access to the things that will prevent them from getting HIV. Children are blown up in their sleep to give you some disgusting false sense of security.

And you're worried about flag burning?

Fuck you. In the ass. Forever.

So, PD, I'm sitting here at the desk in MY NEW OFFICE. My FIRST OFFICE EVER! I get to be a massage therapist again. I've got a freaking window with a gorgeous view of mid-town Anchorage and mountains. I've got hot tea in mah belly and a brand-spanking new client tomorrow morning at nine am. My business cards are on the way and I really ought to be working on my website right now. The guy who is giving me space here is super awesome and it letting me give him a percentage until I get on my feet, which due to location he estimates to be about a month.

I am the happiest motherfucking clam in Clam Town, USA.

And I can't help but thank you*.

Because, in all seriousness, I would not be in this place without you horrible assholes.
I've been doing this shit for six years and this is the closest I've come to success.
What's kept me from that success?

Being a fucking moron, that's what. Wishful thinking, bland and blind optimism/pessimism yo-yoing back and forth, superstition, newage sewage and worse. THAT is what kept me from realizing that if I am going to own a business I have to heave my genitals in an upward direction and DO SHIT that's, you know, professional. You, and those fucking PIGS at American Telephone and Telegraph, also helped me realize what bullshit professionalism is. But it sure does make the flowers grow.

I could never deal with the public in the way I am going to, never assert myself or possess an ounce of self-confidence before. I probably could have found all that through some other means. In Alaska. Yeah.

And when I first found this place you made me so damned mad. Every time one of my precious ideas were threatened I would launch into a silent rage. But now...well now it's different, isn't it.


I guess what I'm trying to say is: Fuck you, noobs who come in here and leave crying because you don't get it. That includes the people I foolishly sent here. It's easy
So STFU and quit your whining.


*Thank you.
So Roger, that horrible old bastard, has been teasing us with the promise of pics of his hair laced, grotesque form since about, oh, year dot. Well, when I went to visit him in Tuscon I did a little RECON and if you'll kind like scroll below (I wanted to give you warning because, well, you can guess just how horrible it is) you can see the...oh dear god...I feel a bit sick.

Link for Roger:

Tha fuck is wrong with you? What the hell do you think is wrong with ME?
Fuck you.
You may be a diverse group of people with varied life experiences and perspectives and opinions, but, as evidenced by the most recent DRUGZLOL thread (and the last dozen or so) you all share one commonality:

You take the term "argumentative" and you tie it down to a chair with no seat and beat its testicles in with a rope until it agrees with everything you have to say. Then you drag it down to the sea and shove its face into the waves until it comes up with new evidence to back your claims. Then you tie it upside down beneath a tree branch and shoot it in the abdomen with a potato cannon until it writes a 300 page thesis on why it's fallacious to disagree with you on any subject at any time or space.

And it makes me lurve you so.

Not me though. I ain't like that.
Hey so I'm writing this story about a large group of people in an isolated environment who fight against their captors. I would really appreciate any recommendations from anyone here, I know there are a couple of you familiar with that kind of stuff, and I'd rather have something to start with instead of going in blind.

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Faulty
May 15, 2012, 06:00:44 PM
I do my level best not to categorize people. Grouping people together needlessly, with only your inner monologue as a guide, is both stupid and dangerous.

But some things I can't help.

There are some of you whose posts I will absolutely not read while sitting on the toilet.

I'll let you sort out who belongs to which group.
Or Kill Me / No Room For Rant
May 13, 2012, 03:21:25 AM
Watch it punsters, you just watch it.

When I first got here OR KILL ME was where I spent my time reading. Sillieness and hilarious inanity is great and everything, but as a consistently angry person the thought OR KILL ME made the rounds in my head until every square inch was begging for fresh air. Perhaps the brains of some of those around me did much the same. Not my fucking problem.

The logic behind shouting OR KILL ME is, as far as I understand it, is to make sure that everyone within earshot knows you fucking mean it, whatever it is. It also invites a certain response. Like, "If you have a problem with what I just said or did, DO something about it."

On one hand you have the kind of Discordian who cares about FREEDOM and all that it means, to everyone. What DOES it mean? Who needs it? Who deserves it? What is it? How far are you willing to go to get it? Who are you willing to alienate to maintain it? What does it mean? What the fucking hell does it even mean?

Before you start answering that, it means a lot of things to people day-to-day. Some of it's stupid, a bit of it is absolutely vital.
But the point is To say GIVE ME FREEDOM is, in some part, to ask these questions.

Meanwhile, OR KILL ME is on the other side, waiting.

It's a group of surly, intelligent people holding big sticks as you round the bend, looking on inquisitively.
OR KILL ME begs you to ask a questions, to shout a slur, to make some kind of assumption.
It's the part that wants to make sure that you know that, seriously, really, truly we are not going back inside there, we are not going to be quiet about it, we are not going to stop and if you have a problem with that you can not only just FUCK RIGHT OFF and SHUT THE FUCK UP but you are more than welcome to step right over here and try to DO something about it.

On one hand you have one discordian, on the other another.

I don't need a subforum. I never post my rants here anymore because there's no point. Sure they might get buried by apples, but I don't want to shout OR KILL ME into a quiet room where people feel...I dunno...I actually don't know what people post here. That's not the point.

The point is that...oh I've lost it.

Oh yes...
We have no vacancies at Case De Spag. There's a manger out back, go cry about it back there.

Were you unaware? Did you not get the memo?

The reason you care so much about that "fuckin' queer", the reason you have to whisper that to your buddy instead of just saying it so we can all hear what a completely heteronormative lifestyle you lead, the reason your blood-pressure spiked when you saw me is because...well, you want a giant penis deep inside you somewhere.

Yeah. Yeah, no, seriously. They've done studies...

Oh ok. I mean, do what you want but in 20 years when become one of the thousands of men who live here so deeply in the closet you just build giant houses around them don't come crying to me on craigslist when your wife goes out of town you pathetic little PUKE.

I'm supposed to be the pansy, you know.
Keep yer 1st World Problems to yourself, please.

This thread is for all those things that make you want to punch soccer moms in the kidneys more than you already do. You know what I'm talking about.

At Fred Meyers (grocery store for those who live in space) they have those hot food areas. Jojo potatoes, fried chicken, macaroni salad. At the end of every night there is always a huge surplus of food because they never want to run out of that stuff. So, what do they do with it? I have watched in horror as roughly 8 pounds of delicious deep fried potatoes were thrown into a giant garbage disposal. "Buwh?" said I. The person earning dick to support her huge family said, "We can't throw it in the trash because people will take it out. We get fired if we take it home."
Ah. Well, I see how things are now.

Here's the deal: More than half of my waking life is spent taking care of, cleaning up after, and helping develop a whole human being. That's what I do. Odds are, if it wasn't for that little human, you and I would have never met. That is VERY likely.

So understand that when you clearly have a drinking problem* and I bring to your attention that it absolutely SUCKS because YOU go AWAY and are replaced by a demanding, inconsiderate, immovable sack of meat totally incapable of consciousness on a MONDAY....

When I say that shit and you say, I shit you not, "I can stop anytime I want, just say the word." when you say that we come to a very awkward moment.

It's awkward for YOU because the bad news for YOU is it is not my job or place to tell you to put the booze down. You're a grown-up. You are mostly intelligent. You must realize that that is your call.

What I decide is not when you stop drinking, what I decide is when I will no longer subject myself to your motherfucking shenanigans because they a) bore me and b) disappoint me (and let's not forget WASTE MY MOTHERFUCKING TIME).

I'd say once more would be enough. The last three time were pretty shitty and I'm not prone to giving 4th chances. So. You do what you need to do


*You may be thinking "Woah there, Alty. You sure as hell like your booze." Yeah, I do. I do not, however, make myself the burden of another as a result of that, nor do I really drink that much usually, just frequently. A beer or two everyday.
"I am glad we do not have to try to kill the stars."
-Just another sucker.

That's so comforting.

We can stare up into a clear night sky and see the universe alive and shining. Unless you live in one of the places where you can't. We have unlocked many secrets the stars hold, and holy shit, they're pretty rad. There's this commonly held notion of magic which we are all familiar with, and how infantile it is. Is it because humans had no other way to explain those things? Isn't it sad that people still cling to magic to explain things that might actually make sense if they stopped thinking about magic. I think so. Even though these people don't care about the math, they trust that these things have been explained. They know better, after a fashion.

Yet people cling to them. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe wiccans are doing us some good by clutching to antiquated systems of thought*. Not antiquated because they're pagan and that shit is ancient, antiquated because that kind of thinking is right in line with medicine from the 1800's. Stupid, but the best that you have at that time. Not this time, that time.

I don't need magic to hold a sense of wonder in my mind. There's nothing like the raw forces of the universe to allow the mind to do just that.

But what about humanity? Where's the wonder there? They sense it individually more than collectively. And I sense it in the individual. When one of those horrible, hairless slugs pits their everything, the entirety of that chemically-laced meat machine, against something they can hardly look at, something they can't quite get their grip around....well, that's something.

Just like a star the best thing, the only thing, they can do that's worth doing is to use up everything they have against forces larger than themselves. I can't imagine any of the people I know at the end of their lives holding all the potential until their dying day. And if they do, how horrible! I don't think that's the case. Sure, they might be stupid, but nearly everybody has some thing that burns their shit up. Unfortunately, I feel much of this gets sucked into the black vortex of television.**

We reach, given time/money/sense/need, as high as we can. At some point we stopped reaching toward the stars. As NASA winds its way down one can't help but feel a certain pang of sadness, because look at what we can do, you now?

I will, however, maintain a certain comfort level with us staying where we are.

Because the only reason we don't have to try to kill the stars is because we can't. Because as long as stars battle the vacuum of space we will battle anything that is in front of us. Because the second we figure out how to kill stars we will.

As soon as we are able we will make slow runs from star to star, and get paid double overtime where applicable. One by one, until the last light in the night sky is snuffed out. Because we are hungry, and we persist. Horribly, exponentially, beautifully we persist.

**FUCK The Big Bang Theory, and FUCK YOU if you like. Yeah, I said it.
Discordian Recipes / Wonderbeat-o-rama Pie
April 10, 2012, 12:50:51 AM
QuoteSo I threw this together yesterday and want to see how I can make it better.

1/2 pound ground pork
butternut squash

balsamic vinegar
some fool (not me) threw wild turkey in

1. Brown meat. Attempt to brown meat. Do not allow random jackhole easter guest who won't STFU about astrology and mayan horseshit anywhere near your pork. He will leave it at 2 for 10 min and say "it's done!" and then persist in asking about your sun sign. He will keep guessing and you will keep giving him a death glare and saying, "Hey man, LIKE I SAID, I'm not really into that stuff. I don't want to talk about it." and then he will ask if you've seen What The Bleep Do We Know? and you will burst a blood-vessel somewhere deep inside your body and wonder if today is the worst or best day to crucify someone for their beliefs. Then he unplugs your music and starts playing poppy, techno wonderbeatorama (and Katie Perry?) and you will will breathe will will not start the yelling because for some reason you feel you might not stop (it's one of those days).

2. Burn bacon.

3. Save ground pork with delicious spices and vinegar and heat. Why would you brown ground meat at 2? To what end?

4. Mix ground pork and bacon. Add vegetables and beer previously used to brine pork shoulder to ground pork and bacon. Shove into pie. Bake until crust is golden.

I don't know what step made that the most delicious pie EVAR, but I want to make it a little more gooey and want to know what I could have omitted.

Please? Thanks!


Roast chicken
Butternut squash
Balsamic vinegar
Chicken stock

1. Cook bacon. Tear apart cooked chicken in brutal manner.
2. Cut squash. I used my Ninja on the garlic/onion and lil Alty wanted to press the button so it came out pureed.
3. Mix with SPICEY FUNTIME. Add beer. Add stock. Add flour.
4. Throw into pie crust. Cover.
5. EAT.
6. Post on the PEEDEE.

I dunno about you, but every damned day is a Discordian Holy Day recently.

And why in the hell not? It's fucking 2012. It a god damned election year in 'Murrica.
Sure Sarah Palin isn't running, we're all very fucking sad about that.

But now that the thaw is here and people's brains are waking up it turns out that most of them are filled with nasty little things.
Fanaticism, dogmatism, apathy, whopping helpings of ignorance. It's pouring out of their tiny little monkey-brains like fucking candy, and every day more and more.

I sure feel a spring in my step. My time is not the winter time. Winter is bad things, brain pathways that should not be. But now that summer is on its way I am ready to shit in the faces of these assholes. ALL OF THEM. This is the YEAR, man. The world probably isn't going to end suddenly, but people are going to go all wonky. In public.

Surely you can feel the pressure building over time? Not a revolution, not a revolt, just something special soon. And we can help that shit right along. More to the point, for us, these are the FUN times because people, just because people.

Maybe we're slow around here. Sign of the times, man. PLUS, the people that are here are brilliant motherfuckers. I'm not sweating blood because (MANY) people have moved on. It doesn't matter. What matters is the never-ending rain of LULZ that's on it's way.


Just get with the fucking program. Me too.
Let's fuck with these asshole so hard they think they're doing it to themselves.
Let's get right into their faces and puke The Horrible Truth in a projectile fashion.