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Topics - AnarChloe

#1
Or Kill Me / Just need to hawk my guts up...
March 19, 2013, 08:30:47 AM
Ok I haven't posted in ages on here due to lack of means (and therefore internet) but I really feel the need to rant.

There are a lot of "crazy people" around nowadays.

The ones that yell at at angels and the ones that see ghosts and the ones that can't tell happy from sad and the ones that aren't one but 33. The ones that need help to get on with things day to day.

So they go (sometimes) to the mental health services around the world. And speaking only for my country here. I've noticed a thing or two.

You gotta pay or you pay.

We have this public mental health service that is supposed to help the downtrodden and troubled. To provide counselling, diagnoses and support.

Support takes many forms and yes medication is one of them. But I'm fucking sick of the service's idea that as long as somebody shuts up and doesn't cost the government any more time and money they're fine.

So they recieve a referral and write down a name and number. They cram pills into that number until it squirms less so they can say it's coping better and they turf the number out into the street.

Mere statistics.

Doctors look at charts and write prescriptions and see right through the people they're supposed to help, they're just trying to crunch the numbers. The numbers don't talk, the numbers don't feel, the numbers don't bleed, even when they sit in front of you doing it. If the number won't stop screaming just keep pouring pills in, or send them to the special low-cost facility to pour more pills in. Don't tell the number anything, they don't need to know or understand themselves because in the end they're just another name and number on the list.

Fuck that.

Seriously. Why the hell should people be ill-treated and uncared for because they aren't fortunate enough to have enough money to pay for treatment?

Oh but we are looking after them, that's what the service is for right?

Bullshit!

How the fuck many people need to slip through the cracks and suffer horribly for anyone to give a fuck?

How many people do I have to see in the street, yelling at cars? How many people need to jump in front of trains? How many people need tod rink themselves to death to make the voices go away?

How many?

I don't want to be a number! Fuck that! I'm not gonna lie down and say the things the system wants me to say just because it's neater that way! I'm not gonna rattle off lists of the drugs I'm on and mechanically say how much better I am now!

I'm going to demand to be treated as if I'm worth something. As if I'm human.

Or kill me.
#2
I've been feeling really crap tonight with fuckin' mood swings and triggers everywhere, so I wrote this.

I'm calling it prose poetry for now, although I may use it as a transcript for an audio drama later on.

I'm gonna throw trigger warnings down just in case: Rape, Suicide

Anyway some thoughts and comments and stuff would be nice I guess.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop, please... please... please... please... PLEASE STOP. NO!

Don't do this to me again I don't want it please don't do it IDON'TWANTTHISPLEASESTOP.

"But you like it don't you?"

No I don't! Stop!

"You do like it, and one day you'll like doing it when you're JUST LIKE ME."

NO I WON'T BE THAT WAY! DON'TMAKEMEBETHATWAYPLEASEDON'T!!

I am just like him. Him and all the others that did these things to me. There are four of them including him and I am worse than all of them together.

I am the worst scum on this planet.

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthem

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthem

IamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthemIamworsethanthem

Aren't I?

You know I am, don't you.

I see you there, thinking; "Oh poor thing."

You sicken me. You don't even know how much worse than them I am.

YOU SICKEN ME.

You make me almost as disgusted as I am at myself and my existence with your thoughts.

YOU SICKEN ME.

You think you can help. No-one can help. You might want to.

But it won't do me any good.

I'm too lost.

Too broken.

YOU SICKEN ME.

Get away from me. I'm not worth it, stop thinking about me.

Stop it.

You really want to help me then?

Okay.

Just do what I tell you and it'll help me, okay?

Good.

Kill me.

KILL ME!

What do you mean, "NO"?!

You wanted to help me didn't you?

Why won't you do it then?

Why?

Don'tmakemelivepleasepleasepleasejustletmedie.


------------------------------------------------

Everything I am and was and will be is disgusting, fake and wrong.

I wasn't even good enough to be a rapists play-thing, how am I good enough to be a person?

How can anyone like, let alone love this disgusting mess of psychoses moodswings and hate?

Oh that's right, no one does.

----------------------------------

I hear them now.

"No-one loves you, no-one loves you, no-one loves you, NO-ONE LOVES YOU AND NO-ONE EVER WILL."

---------------------------------------

"You're worthless and barely worth hating, why don't you just make it stop."

But how? *sobbing is heard* I don't know how!! It won't stop!

"You know how."

The... the knives?

"Yes."

But... I can't.

"Why?"

It's wrong!

"Is it, if it makes things better?"

It's still wrong!

"What of euthanasia? If someone is dying of an incurable disease, isn't it a mercy to take their life if they wish it so?"

I don't have an incurable disease!

"No. You don't."

So what's the point?

"You don't have one. You are one."

"And like a tumor you should be... removed."

Oh... I see.

—————————————————-

I'm gonna do it.

Hello?

Are you there?

SOMEBODY?

ANYBODY?!


IS ANYONE THERE?!


*sobbing is heard*

-------------------------

Are you gone too? Have even the voices in my head abandoned me now? The last vestige of hope I had and you're gone aren't you?

Why do they all leave me when they're done playing?

Am I just a toy?

I suppose I am.

Have I ever done anything for me? As if I deserved it? Or have I always been for others first?

Do I ever ask for my needs to be met or do I just let others push me around?

Maybe this is for the best... my plan. It would be nice to talk to anyone before I go though.

Even the voices.

But I suppose I can't now.

HELLO?

ANYONE?

ANYONE THERE?

I guess not...

It's time then.

Time to do the last thing that will make them all happy.

Time to go.

*shunk*

END
#3
Aneristic Illusions / NZ Student Protests!
June 01, 2012, 10:31:08 AM
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10810121

http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/raw-video-police-clash-protesters-4906662

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/7031385/Students-arrested-at-Auckland-protest

http://www.3news.co.nz/Dozens-of-arrests-as-students-protest/tabid/423/articleID/256414/Default.aspx

Maybe this is the start of something big.

Especially since there are rumors of 1000 people occupying the Auckland police station where the arrested students were taken!

No word from official news channels on that yet, unfortunately. Will post again when this happens.

EDIT: More news! Nothing we haven't seen before but there are some pretty damning images of the cops in this one.

http://www.3news.co.nz/More-protests-to-come---students/tabid/423/articleID/256436/Default.aspx
#4
"Invest in a revolting future!"

Do to recent education related fuck-wittery in NZ, I've been throwing around the idea of making advertisements for DUPA, the Discord University and Polytechnic Academy.

I have a flyer here but no means to scan it but here's the gist.

"(person) Endorses DUPA!"

Person: I got my certificate in Managing Debt by Theft at DUPA!

"DUPA, invest in a "revolting" future."

*picture of endorsing person preparing to throw a molotov at a billboard for NZ University which says: LEARN DEBT AT NZU!*

I felt that the increasing neo-liberalism of education here required a response. Namely one that shows what higher education is going to get you here. I also think that DUPA could be international, since higher (and lower) education is basically fucked in quite a few places.

Thoughts, ideas?
#5
I am fucking sick of the healthcare system in this country.

"Doctor, doctor! I had no male puberty! I just grew taller and some pubes and small boobs instead!!!"

"Oh okay, w/e. Now about the whole transition thing, no you can't have hormones without a psych assessment, even though you obviously need hormones of SOME SORT because you didn't get puberty."

"Doctor doctor! I get terrible pain in my lower abdomen once a month and what with my body being all different I'm worried there might be something going on!"

"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON YOU'RE A BIOLOGICAL MALE DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU'RE INTERSEXED AND NO WE WON'T DO TESTS."

I mean where the fuck do these bastards get off on denying me healthcare services I need? If I had money I could just pay to have tests and shit done but since I don't have money it's not going to happen!?

What the fuck is this shit? All they want is for me to take my oestrogen and be a "normal" straight chick.

Well fuck that! I'm a queer intersexed person! I have tits and a cock, and I think that's great!

And if you bastards don't like it you can suck my dick.

Or kill me.

----------------------------------

Another thing I'm fucking sick of?

The mental healthcare system here. I've been having rapid cycling moods for two weeks, and before that I generally was depressed for about three weeks at a time, with a week or so of happy in between. This happy week was mostly filled with being far too happy and becoming irritable and angry a lot. There's also the mixed kinda moods I'm getting lately. These leads me to worry that I have bipolar, and the symptoms are becoming more severe. (My sister has bipolar II, and my Mom doesn't exactly have stable moods either.) Generally I've avoided medication, but since I relapsed on self-harm a few weeks ago, I decided to try again.

So I say to the Doc that I want an assessment first to be sure it's something that's safe to combine with SSRIs or Tricyclic anti-depressants.

They resist at every turn just because I can't fucking pay for it.

They want me to shut the fuck up, take what they give me, and be "normal".

Well get this assholes, I don't want to be "normal" I just want my mood to stop CHANGING ALL THE FUCKING TIME so I can get some fucking work done!

And yet you won't help me do this because I'm broke?

How is this healthcare? If you won't help me take care of myself!?

Well fucking done New Zealand. This insistence that if you can't pay you can just suffer is one of many things that make me want to slit my throat. And the main reason I don't is because I'm going to keep fighting this awful fucking system.

I'm not going to sit down. I'm not going to take the pill. I'm not going to shut up.

I won't stop until you start caring for people who need help.

Or kill me.