There was a lot of "so what do we do?" talk when the PUA etc. reaction threads went up, and I was in the middle of some mads and wasn't super helpful. So, I'm going to lay out a couple little pointers that I believe to be accurate (ladies and others who have to deal with this bullshit, please let me know how close to the mark this is) and then I will share with you a story of a dude doing it right, possibly without even realizing it. These guidelines are intended for a general audience, I believe most of the dudes on this board are already basically following them.
1) Respect women's space. Women are used to getting their physical space invaded and nobody likes it. When dealing with strangers, the rule of thumb is two or three feet separating you (with obvious exceptions for crowded trains, etc.)
2) Respect women's feels. There's a lot of bad signal about women and their feelings, don't contribute to it. Let women have their space to be angry or sad or whatever. Don't tell them they're crazy or god help you on their period just because they are having a bout of feels. Do not assume that you know what caused the feels, or that you are the person to solve them. Sometimes we need space to have feelings in. Also, don't tell ladies on the street to smile if they're scowling, trust that they have their reasons.
3) Respect polite and soft "no"s. Many women learn the lesson that asserting themselves means getting hollered at, so they resort to soft "no"s, like retreating or creating excuses. It is not your fault this is how women have been trained to act, it is the fault of the people who hollered at them. Do not contribute by pressing the issue or challenging excuses. Obviously this does not apply when talking about workplace communication.
4) Respect their body language and what they say. It's not hard to read whether a woman is into you hitting on her. Don't hit on women who aren't interested. It's a terrible goddamn idea. If you thought she was interested and it turns out you were wrong, you were wrong. She's not a bitch.
5) Assume allegations of rape and sexual misconduct are credible. It's hard not to make excuses when the people accused are friends or people we look up to, but the stats are very clear that false allegations are statistically rare, and it's far more likely that a woman will say nothing than a woman will make something up.
6) Listen when a woman is willing to communicate how you violated her boundaries. It's a very difficult thing to talk about and most women will not take it on themselves to explain what went wrong and how you can do better next time. Not every woman has the same boundaries, and crossing lines is not the same as assault or rape, but listening to where things took a left turn can help you be a better guy.
1) Respect women's space. Women are used to getting their physical space invaded and nobody likes it. When dealing with strangers, the rule of thumb is two or three feet separating you (with obvious exceptions for crowded trains, etc.)
2) Respect women's feels. There's a lot of bad signal about women and their feelings, don't contribute to it. Let women have their space to be angry or sad or whatever. Don't tell them they're crazy or god help you on their period just because they are having a bout of feels. Do not assume that you know what caused the feels, or that you are the person to solve them. Sometimes we need space to have feelings in. Also, don't tell ladies on the street to smile if they're scowling, trust that they have their reasons.
3) Respect polite and soft "no"s. Many women learn the lesson that asserting themselves means getting hollered at, so they resort to soft "no"s, like retreating or creating excuses. It is not your fault this is how women have been trained to act, it is the fault of the people who hollered at them. Do not contribute by pressing the issue or challenging excuses. Obviously this does not apply when talking about workplace communication.
4) Respect their body language and what they say. It's not hard to read whether a woman is into you hitting on her. Don't hit on women who aren't interested. It's a terrible goddamn idea. If you thought she was interested and it turns out you were wrong, you were wrong. She's not a bitch.
5) Assume allegations of rape and sexual misconduct are credible. It's hard not to make excuses when the people accused are friends or people we look up to, but the stats are very clear that false allegations are statistically rare, and it's far more likely that a woman will say nothing than a woman will make something up.
6) Listen when a woman is willing to communicate how you violated her boundaries. It's a very difficult thing to talk about and most women will not take it on themselves to explain what went wrong and how you can do better next time. Not every woman has the same boundaries, and crossing lines is not the same as assault or rape, but listening to where things took a left turn can help you be a better guy.
