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do you need hug?

My fucking brain will insist on trying to fuck with me. Part of it needs to shut the fuck up and stop feeding me dumb shit.



No, I don't 'deserve to be alone' you fucker. It's just been that way for long enough for you to get used to it and accept that as your natural state.

It is not.

I will keep slapping that shit down.

Fuck you, I see through your bullshit and waahh and woe is me.

I don't need it. I like who I am. I like being alive on this planet. Whether I am alone or with someone is immaterial because the truth is, I just fucking AM. I reject what you would have me be because it comes from lies and cowardice and I have outmoded your way of thinking. You're a relic of the past, man, you should just let it go. It would be best for all concerned if you'd just tap out, but you're a stubborn bastard, yes?

Just a little bit more pain. You can take it. You were built to last.

That will to endure. It's gotten us through some dark water and will do so again in the future.

Sometimes a pinprick of light is enough.





Just quit it with the dumb shit.




Stupid brain...

I am destruction on the dance floor.

It's not a choice. 

I am also subtle and sexy as all hell combined in a big fucking plastic carrier bag where you thought you'd bought all that shit that was on your list but you get home and find that the ONE thing you fucking NEEDED is missing but you can't be arsed to go back out and get that ONE THING so you sit at home and feel bad because your brain got distracted by those legs and whether you can actually be in a world that wants you to be less than yourself for who fuck knows why and then you find yourself alone and weeping and grinning at the fuck of it and you recognise that what you thought was so important is just another belief residing in your brain and it does not matter and it is no concern of theirs and

the DANCE FLOOR is a fucking MASSACRE

and the people can do nothing else but stare at the beauty and horror as the walls turn red and the bodies fall wet and sickened with last breaths thought on how and why and on the teeth that shine through the gore grinding like the eternal machine because it's never enough and the breath is ragged and sharp rending flesh from the air vicious there is no mercy yet still they offer prayers and sacrifices to a mad god as the hope is plucked from their eyes and the teeth keep grinding their bloodied hearts are held up in front of them









and I slump on the floor, looking at my hands, wondering if the blood is theirs or mine

So, I have the feeling that I'm going to have to carry out an unsolicited operation on a work colleague.


The characteristics of this particular specimen include:

Narcissism, egotism (the wanksack signs his name with the Superman symbol  ), low self esteem resulting in a need to control, manipulate, deceive, intimidate, yadda yadda.

The list could go on but I'll assume we've all seen someone like this.

Normally I'd just laugh at this spag, but the job I'm in involves working with vulnerable people and this guy has blagged his way up to a senior position. He bullies and intimidates people who have limited capacity to fight back and has that fucking halo effect going on. I'm wise to his shit but the system in place involves evidence to remove this canker, and he's a slippery bastard.




I could operate at the moment, but I'll I've got is two metres of rubber tubing, a plunger, and a fucking claw hammer.







I've fucking got this, but objective insight is not unwelcome.

Listen up you fuckers!!!

You think you're immune? You think this shit won't affect you? That you're safe? You don't understand. This isn't the plot from a shitty TV program, or some story your mother will tell you when you can't sleep at night.

No, this is a FUCKING CLEANSING. This is what you think you know ,your beliefs and dreams and hopes, ripped up and used to wipe the arse of God, who is babbling incoherently, blood and spit flying from his foetid mouth. This is the time of the rivers of blood and the burning rains that never cease. There is no shelter. There is nowhere to hide. The eye is upon you and it knows no mercy Do you understand?

This is the world seen through blacklight, shined upon you, revealing the sins you thought were hidden.

You are insignificant, a cipher, a shell that reflects

The children laugh behind your back, until they too are painted and varnished and fed their lines.
Your laughter is hollow, desperate, it has no conviction.

You are under the yoke, you feel the sting of the lash, but instead of getting angry, you numb the pain with TV and junk food. The newest shiny trinkets are waved under your nose so you never bother to look up and realise that the yoke ISN'T EVEN FUCKING THERE.
You're broken like the rest of them.

The sun shines on you, but you don't FEEL IT, you don't SEE IT, you don't HEAR IT.


I am half asleep,a dn my back is like rocks grinding. My body is out of enlignment.
Oh woe, oh woe. Where does it end?



Does it end in THE PIT?




Where no-one gets out.

And they pour on the gasoline.

And they smile down upon you.

And  then they light it. 

And  then you burn.






I DANCE

You Fuckers!!! I'm not scared, I'm just fucking tired. There's a difference between a fear of competing and being bored with all the fucking bullshit. Do I need to try? This stuff comes naturally to me... passive resistance? Resistant to what? To the idea that I need to be a certain way or confirm to their expectations just so they'll get off my back? Fuck that. I am what I chose to be, and I'll keep kicking your fucking heads in if you insist on trying to push your bullshit opinions onto me. Oh, so you need a fucking Leader? Someone who knows what's what and can show you the way? Being lead by the nose leads to the fucking slaughterhouse. Have a nice time on the farm, grunt, because that's all you'll ever see. I don't know if I believe this shit I'm writing I do not fucking know, but I will keep on trying. I am trying. Trying real fucking hard not to stomp some fucking arsebag into the ground, but they will insist on getting in my way... Fortunately, I am tempered with compassion and understanding. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do". They almost certainly do know what they do, they just chose to ignore or rationalise or blame someone else. It wasn't my fault. TV made me do it. My friends said I should. The government lies, but I have to make a choice. Right or wrong. Truth lies deception. It's what the con thrives on. I'd like to sit back and watch. At now I am right stuck in the middle. Borrowed. Sometimes I can. Sit back and watch it flow. It brings with it peace. a sense of detachment. Of seeing outside and within. The nonsense of the struggle. But still, I can't let go. It pervades, insinuates, says what can and cannot be. It does not see. It exists. It doesn't know any other way. Consuming itself until all is dust. atoms. waveform. unself../

[STOP]

Where to direct the rage? Not inward, because I'm sure it's THEY that are the problem . Not THEY, because it is not THEIR fault. The OTHER, who seem to be the cause, are just monkeys with bigger sticks. Stick fighting just ends up with bruises on both sides. Sure, someone may come out on top, others beaten down, but still.


DON'T FIGHT!!!


What are you fighting for anyway? More shit like you've already got? A bigger seat so that you can look DOWn on the inferiors?  Better shit, that'll quickly pale in comparison to the stuff that's EVEN BETTER?


Fuck that shit.



STOP



deep breaths
look around
appreciate your surrroundings. There is always something to appreciate.

Myself, I appreciate nature,

Clouds, hills, birds, the way the light changes EVERY FUCKING DAY, but, enough of that...




.
Back to the grind. ... ..  .. ......P