So. I'm sitting here, as I always do these days, stewing in my own juices (basting if you will). Smoking cigarettes, drinking all the booze in the house, yes even the girly-girl ones. I think a bit, maybe that should be 'regret' a bit, about the last couple years, then the last decade. Hell, I say, why not my whole damn life.
People I've known, and let down, or who let me down. Oppurtunities squandered. T.V. shows I missed.
The last six months in fact, I haven't even DONE anything. Except run away, retreating into an ever tighter corner. At times its easy to make myself believe that I achieved something by fucking up. At times I can even make myself believe that continuing to do nothing about it is a Good Thing.
I owe things to people who can't find me. Money, Goodbyes, Explanations.
Political ideologies, religious mantras, 'common sense'. I used to think I was clever, I used to think I was smart, but I really am no more than a cabbage. No, worse, I'm a toy. A clockwork one wound up by my own hand, to amuse others. To glimpse my reflection in the McBurgerHut window and amuse myself with my antics and tomfoolery. And every day, with my first cigarette, and putting on my glasses, just before I go for a piss, I wind up the spring again.
See him chatter, roll around and stumble!
It says no user servicable parts in raised letters, next to the poorly manufactured tin key on my back. But maybe thats a lie.
So one day, I stumble onto a website, well off my beaten track of boring, inane subjects. I read a funny little book written by a couple stoners. I find it amusing, given that as a semi-ex stoner stoner, I always have a weakness for people who write shit when they're out of their faces. O.K. That was fun.
I follow the trail to a disturbing little forum, well removed from the coiffured, primped little holes I usually find myself in. This place is seriously strange. Bizzarre names and avatars, and scary posts. I read another little book, not so funny, inviting me to a jailbreak.
O.K. the toy has been busted out of its box now. I just need to find a way out of the toy. Suck it up man, cause this is really going to hurt...
So far, so :mittens:
TGRR,
Waiting to see where this goes.
Welcome to the jungle.
Sounds like the shit is getting interesting...so hope you're wearing a diaper.
:mittens:
Well, cheers rev. At the moment, it's not gonna go much further just yet, coz this is exactly where I am just now. Will be doing a bit more mining in the archives for a bit longer methinks.
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 07:46:12 AM
Well, cheers rev. At the moment, it's not gonna go much further just yet, coz this is exactly where I am just now. Will be doing a bit more mining in the archives for a bit longer methinks.
Oh, I'm a patient man.
Cicero didn't dump all over Marc Anthony in one day, you know.
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 07:39:24 AM
drinking all the booze in the house, yes even the girly-girl ones.
Hey man, Booze is fucking booze, I don't think your any less of a man because of this.
And your story man. Respect. Nothun But.
for my next trick im gonna find out what it was i just did...
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 08:42:53 AM
for my next trick im gonna find out what it was i just did...
:lulz:
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 08:42:53 AM
for my next trick im gonna find out what it was i just did...
You're were being a genuine, deep, and baring your soul to us in an elegant and ever so slightly poetic way.
Without having to go OMGGODDESS23FNORD5.
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 08:42:53 AMfor my next trick im gonna find out what it was i just did...
you threw up the girly bits? ;-)
hey man, nice rant! started off a littlebit emo, but not so bad as i could actually sort of identify with it, then the bit about the wind-up toy, good solid imagery and put to good use as well!
finding this book, this forum and the other stuff is not enough btw, i find myself in that wound up place once in a while as well, you gotta do it yourself in the end (but it seems like you understand that already fine)
Your journey resembles mine.
I'm glad you stumbled here.
fanx.
I just read all posts by AKK and decided that i'd rather make 20 decent posts instead of 200 replies to flaming. (lol why respond to the flaming? isn't that the tracking system HIMEOBS use for their howitzers?)
I didn't make it too detailed either, so it;s not so much baring my soul, but what is written is trooo.... whoops! almost made a tabloid newspaper error there!
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 09:38:44 AM
I just read all posts by AKK and decided that i'd rather make 20 decent posts instead of 200 replies to flaming. (lol why respond to the flaming? isn't that the tracking system HIMEOBS use for their howitzers?)
Christ, you are a smart little monkey.
A little too smart...
Quote from: Payne on March 31, 2007, 09:38:44 AMwhy respond to the flaming? isn't that the tracking system HIMEOBS use for their howitzers?
shit. this guy knows too much. ALREADY
we don't know anything of this man. send him back
:eek:
not bad ...
not bad at all...
straight up gold, Payne.
I think you and I and the collective We have quite a bit in common
A sequel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like an unused muscle, my brain crunches into gear. I open my eyes. Fuck, I was right, this is painful.
Stumbling down the stairs, the mother who has taken me in gratis free for the last for coming on six months is on the couch, like an unkempt real life buddha, only wearing clothes, and not cast in bronze.
A gameshow is on T.V., then the news, then a soap, then... Well, you get the picture. It's only 2 p.m.
Like the junkie I am always in danger of becoming, I sit down at the computer, check my e-mail and check out the forums I post on, thinking that I will actually find an answer.
I crack on my standard playlist of random crap music tracks, adjusting volume until Fat Mike yelling Regaining Unconciosness drowns out Noel Edmonds who is urging another hapless contestant to open another red box.
The kitchen, coffee with a splash of cold water to cool it a bit (for immediate enjoyment without burning my mouth). Back to my corner.
Last night, I made a contribution, it seemed to me that it was random scribblings, with little merit. I classed it as a rant, so it didn't need merit, on the whole it seemed to be received, with little said against it. Success? I fucking hope not...
Im still (obvious to me) at a loss. Still asking the most eternal of questions, "What Next?". More reading, most of which is keeping track of a recent 'trend'. A little delving into archives, most of which is keeping track of past 'trends'. A few nonsensical posts.
I have a brief exchange with my mother over the evening news, about the marines and such captured in Iran. She seems somewhat taken aback by my almost violent apathy to a situation that, a few months ago, I would be most likely to vent some eloquent toeing of party lines.
Later she goes to bed. I stay here, but turn the volume up a bit.
Waking up tomorrow is really going to hurt. Again.
Aight, I liked it.
I really hope you continue to add to the content of this forum.
Im coming from a compeatly different place, but there is something in it we can all relate to.
THanks, just charting a difficult transition from my own point of view.
I would be surprised if anyone else was coming from the same place, but I hear this is a good way to start becoming involved. If there is a good way that is.
Careful with that "what next?" line if enquiry. Speaking from experience that one'll bake your noodle for as many years as you care to hang onto it.
Here's a couple of reasons I stopped asking "What's next?"
There is no answer. When I was banging my head off the impenetrable wall that is "What's next?" I found the problem was that I was still thinking in terms of Noel Edmonds and his red fucking box. Existence does not conform to the rules of a gameshow, with correct answers flashing up on screen after your 30 secs have counted down.
Doesn't matter how long you weigh up all those moral choices in your head there really is no right or wrong. There's a countdown timer, that's true, but at the end there's just a pile of rotting meat where you used to be. It's you who decides what's next, always was, always will be. Even deciding to abdicate decision in favour of having Government Inc. do your thinking for ya - that's you that decides that.
But you don't want to abdicate right? You saw through the bullshit, the blinds fell and you realised that all the bullshit you'd been sold, since you crawled out into this life, was just that - bullshit. So now you're waiting for the guy with the computer enhanced smile and soothing suit to step out of the ether and tell you what you've won? Guess what. The guy with the unfeasibly white teeth was bullshit too.
What's next is a trap.
Only way out of it is decide.
Decide to stay or go.
Decide you wanna work or play.
Decide on a nice house, in the burbs or a shopping trolley full of newspapers.
You earned your freedom now go out and use it.
You are the only answer to "What's next?"
Yeah, just getting out of my system. Noel Edmonds can be pretty charming in his way. :shudders:
Thanks for the feedback though. I really should get the "we'll be right back after this ad-break" syndrome out of my system, where I'm waiting for delayed instant gratification indefinately. But this waiting room sure does have pretty wallpaper....
That's teh BIP wallpaper, designed to look just the way you want it to look, however the hell you want it to look, every time you look at it.
Comforting, sexy, morose, ecstatic... BIP wallpaper will be all of these any time you look around.
Best break out a scraper - BIP wallpaper absorbs your dreams.
Its a pity I cant sell it then, Its awfully purdy. :D
bump for the OP awesome. :lulz: