My husband found all my old essays and now I will be bothersome and post them here, one at a time.
The Short People's Manifesto
We are the Short, and we've had enough. This document is for the purposes of establishing our viewpoint on the following:
We recognize normal height as being less than 5'5". Therefore, a person being over the height of 5'5" is outside the range of normal, thereby deviant.
Passenger side airbags are the concerted effort of the Tall Regime to reduce our numbers by so-called "accidental" deaths in minor traffic accidents.
We will no longer tolerate the use of high counters and stovetops in newly constructed homes. These are deliberately placed at waist level for the Tall, causing people of normal height back strain and other health problems after prolonged use.
The designers and manufacturers of chairs, sofas, automobile and airplane seats, and other forms of seating MUST STOP their systematic terrorization of people of normal height through the use of excessively long seats which prevent the normal from sitting with comfort and dignity in almost all situations. This lack of dignity is engineered by the Tall Regime to keep us from promotion and positions of influence, thus furthering their diabolical dictatorship.
We strenuously object to the portrayal of actors of normal height as Tall. We are aware of the Hollywood sleight-of-lens used to promote the illusion that certain male and female actors are of greater-than-normal height, and we recognize that it is a ploy to brainwash our young into believing that all heroes are Tall, and conversely, that a person of normal height cannot be a hero. This is unacceptable. We demand that normal actors be shown at their true height, and that the Tall actors such as Jeff Goldblum be revealed as the horrible freaks they truly are.
At concerts, movies, and other public events a Tall area should be established near the back to accommodate those with special needs without allowing them to interfere with and monopolize the view which should rightfully be shared by all. They can see over our heads; however, we cannot see through their torsos.
We do not advocate discrimination against the Tall, we merely demand equality and fair treatment as the normal majority. WE ARE NOT PETITE: THEY ARE TALL.
We have a voice and we will not be silenced. It is time for the world to recognize its true majority and put an end to the tyrannical rule of those who would force the byproducts of their unnatural height upon everyone.
Viva Revolution!
You've obviously never been out in the rain when everyone is holding umbrellas at exactly neck height.
:argh!:
I usually get stabbed in the eye by umbrellas, actually. :cry:
My secret to success in overcoming shortitude (though I'm only borderline short) is Japanese cars. Automobiles designed by an entire nation of small people, to scale with their size! Thus, they are scaled perfectly for me, whereas with American cars, I have no choice but to wear giant platforms if I want to be able to floor my clutch without my chest embedded in the steering wheel... Grrr!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on December 07, 2007, 08:51:02 PM
I usually get stabbed in the eye by umbrellas, actually. :cry:
My secret to success in overcoming shortitude (though I'm only borderline short) is Japanese cars. Automobiles designed by an entire nation of small people, to scale with their size! Thus, they are scaled perfectly for me, whereas with American cars, I have no choice but to wear giant platforms if I want to be able to floor my clutch without my chest embedded in the steering wheel... Grrr!
Whereas I have to loop my knees around my ears to drive some of the imports LOL
My Civic is actually pretty bad ass. My dad is almost a full foot taller than me (he's 6' 2") and he can drive it. It's a little cramped, but he can make it work. I can fit tons of people in it, too, which blows my mind. The Japanese are a crafty folk, I have to give them that!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on December 07, 2007, 09:00:40 PM
My Civic is actually pretty bad ass. My dad is almost a full foot taller than me (he's 6' 2") and he can drive it. It's a little cramped, but he can make it work. I can fit tons of people in it, too, which blows my mind. The Japanese are a crafty folk, I have to give them that!
Hondas are the exception to the rule, I think :)
I used to have a Civic that was great, I now have a Accord which is also great.
You know what cracks me up? Smarts in Germany.
The smallest cars ever meet the largest people ever!
How does it work? It blows my mind.
Weirdly, old Volvos seem well-suited to my size, which like the Smarts also doesn't make any sense.
Oh Nigle, a rant like this makes me want to pat you on the top of your head.
:argh!:
Quote from: Nigel on December 07, 2007, 10:12:02 PM
:argh!:
Awww, the little ones are so cute when they're mad...
:lulz:
Quote from: Nigel on December 07, 2007, 09:16:00 PM
Weirdly, old Volvos seem well-suited to my size, which like the Smarts also doesn't make any sense.
This is true. I drive an '86 Volvo, and find it tricky getting clearance for my legs. Arms and shoulders aren't as much of an issue, I just kind of "wear" the vehicle in same respects
Quote from: Richter on December 09, 2007, 05:50:58 AM
This is true. I drive an '86 Volvo, and find it tricky getting clearance for my legs. Arms and shoulders aren't as much of an issue, I just kind of "wear" the vehicle in same respects
I find this imagery midly disturbing...
I drive an '87 740, which I have painted orange.
Quote from: Nigel on December 09, 2007, 06:49:43 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 09, 2007, 05:50:58 AM
This is true. I drive an '86 Volvo, and find it tricky getting clearance for my legs. Arms and shoulders aren't as much of an issue, I just kind of "wear" the vehicle in same respects
I find this imagery midly disturbing...
I drive an '87 740, which I have painted orange.
Well shit, I drive a 740 too, the wagon. Or "Viking longcar", as often describes it's function.
Mine is also a wagon! And sometimes it gets to be a truck. I managed to fit an enormous electric organ in it once. I love my car.
My car is a 1989 Volvo. I'm 6'3 but i fit ok. Small people (oh yeah average Lulz) prolly would find my car big. Its a 2 door.
How's the position of the steering column to you?
That's where I've always gotten hung up.
not so bad. my seat is way back so I kinda "ride dirty."
As a 5 foot 3 (If wind is right, big shoes and a well slanted room) dude I gotta say my biggest rant is against Public Urinals. I gotta stand on my toes to pee. At the old Yankee Stadium they used to just have this long drain in the floor where'd you pee. It was like 20 feet long by 3 inches. I still peed on my shoes but with Dignity!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on December 07, 2007, 08:51:02 PM
I usually get stabbed in the eye by umbrellas, actually. :cry:
My secret to success in overcoming shortitude (though I'm only borderline short) is Japanese cars. Automobiles designed by an entire nation of small people, to scale with their size! Thus, they are scaled perfectly for me, whereas with American cars, I have no choice but to wear giant platforms if I want to be able to floor my clutch without my chest embedded in the steering wheel... Grrr!
I'll wear giant platforms for no reason. Oh wait, I'm going to a club.
i drive a stupid mustang.
im only 5' 6, the thing sits on the ground, my knees hit the steering column but my arms stretch all the way forward.
no headroom(even for ME), no back seat, no trunk, shitty gas mileage, passenger window doesn't work, all plastic bits have broken off, had to take the main bulb out of the dome light cause it wouldn't turn off, the wipers used to go out suddenly when it was raining, no left mirror, glove box is tied shut cause the locking mechanism is busted...
it's paid off though.
"Paid off" is a VERY important criterion.
yup, "paid off" is the only reason i haven't set it on fire.
My car has started leaking every time it rains, which is all the time, and now every square inch of the interior is wet.
Quote from: Cthulhu's Squidling on December 23, 2007, 07:59:07 AM
i drive a stupid mustang.
im only 5' 6, the thing sits on the ground, my knees hit the steering column but my arms stretch all the way forward.
no headroom(even for ME), no back seat, no trunk, shitty gas mileage, passenger window doesn't work, all plastic bits have broken off, had to take the main bulb out of the dome light cause it wouldn't turn off, the wipers used to go out suddenly when it was raining, no left mirror, glove box is tied shut cause the locking mechanism is busted...
it's paid off though.
Maria suggests that you get yourself a Roger, because Rogers are good for fixing things, nookie, and staying out from underfoot when not engaged in those two endeavors.
TGRR,
Unsure if he's been insulted or complimented.
i'm sure it was a compliment for you.
thing is, i could fix these things if i wanted to invest waste the money on it.
but seeing as how it's a ford, it'll all just break again the next week.
oh and Nigel, i understand your dilemma, w/ the window motor being busted theres a 1/2'' crack open all the time. so there's a lovely smell of mildeaux and rot in there all the time.
i've tried to get the thing to stay up all the way but ended up pulling the window right off the door. now that's quality craftsmanship!
Roger: That's a compliment. Trust me.
Squidling: Auuugh. My driver's side window likes to roll down a bit, then not roll back up. I feel your pain.