A half arsed attempt to squeeze out something interesting. Hands up if you ever felt like this....
We're getting into crunch time now
the victims have been spent
There's nothing left but empty pockets
to satisfy the rent
The tables turned so many times
we've all seen every side
and naught but fucking imbeciles
feel the glory of the pride
We've pissed away our freedom
on the lie of immortality
Abdicated heritage
consumerized insanity
ignored predictions far too long
to the point of this calamity
and still we're playing at pass the buck
and blaming with alacrity
And on and on we carry out
our senseless carry on
Sawing the branch on which we sit
til the whole damn tree is gone
And still we refuse to wake up to
the shitstorm that awaits
the warning signs that line the road
that leads us to our fate
And some might see a tragedy
if it only caught their eye
But we know it's a comedy
and laugh so hard we cry
*hand raise*
Considering that you are saying you're in a dry-spell, this is pretty solid. There's a couple places where, at least with the way I was reading it, the rhythm felt a bit off, but for the most part, I really liked it.
Example a: "and still we're playing at pass the buck" -- I feel like you could take out "at." I might just be reading it with the wrong rhythm (something I do all too often), but with the way I was reading it, it flowed a little more smoothly when I didn't read the "at."
Sometimes "consumerized insanity" works, other times it feels like the beat is close but slightly off. I have no suggestions for that one, though.
I really like the first stanza, and also "sawing the branch on which we sit / til the whole damn tree is gone." The ending has a good punch.
This is good stuff. I think it takes a very fine grasp of meter and vocabulary to make an ABAB rhyme scheme work and you seem to have it down.
Can I also tag in that I still loooooove your Queen Ridiculous poem? It really is a favorite of mine- to the point that Queen Ridiculous has become a cute pet name for someone or other.
for some reason it reminds me of Stiff Little Fingers or, at least, it puts itself to a SLF-ish riff in my head.
that's a good thing. I like it.
Silly, I may write a song using these words. If I gave you credit, would you mind?
Quote from: LMNO on January 30, 2008, 03:59:40 PM
Silly, I may write a song using these words. If I gave you credit, would you mind?
I have no objections to people crediting me with my own work.
Is "SillyCybin of www.principiadiscordia.com" ok?
I'd prefer "SillyCybin of Aramathea" but I supposed pd.com will have to do
You want "Aramanthea", you can have it.
or, try pronouning p3nt4gr4m
Quote from: triple zero on January 30, 2008, 05:00:30 PM
or, try pronouning p3nt4gr4m
pee-three-enn-tee-for-GRR!-for-emm
you are a great poet