...But it's actually pretty long (like 12 pages or something, single spaced) because I'm a tool like that. And now I don't know if there's somewhere on these fine interbutts that I can upload it so's I can link it here?
I'm pretty dissatisfied with how I wound up ending it, but I've been working on it for SO DAMN LONG that it really just HAD to end, for the sake of getting it out. Now I can start fixing things. But, ultimately, it was inspired by PD (there's even PosterGASM in it!) so I'd like to get some feedback from anyone who has the patience to slog through it as to what the fuck I should do with the godforsaken ending.
Also, it'll get workshopped in my writing group next week, which should be interesting. And hilarious. And possibly horrormirthy. We'll see.
DOOO IIIT.
If you wanted to host it as a document somewhere, you could look into http://www.scribd.com/ . I don't know what their TOS is like so make sure they don't try and steal anything from you.
mihd.net, megaupload.com and mediafire are all good places to temporarily store files and have them easily accessible.
Or, you can cut and paste multiple posts here. Example: LMNO-PI.
Although, we would like to see the finished product, so please try and make sure, if you choose to do that, you don't post the parts 3 months apart, unlike LMNO-PI.
:lulz:
Hey, at least I keep updating it, unlike another story I was reading about The City...
http://ifile.it/718fus2
Have fun, kidlets!
I didn't want to just copy and paste into the forum, because I abused footnotes. Just for fun. Because I'm an asshat.
Quote from: LMNO on June 12, 2009, 04:21:53 PM
:lulz:
Hey, at least I keep updating it, unlike another story I was reading about The City...
I'm allowed, I'm working on another story.
Also, downloaded now DCup. I'll probably read it tonight or tomorrow.
-space.doc? :lulz:
Quote from: Nigel on June 12, 2009, 07:53:37 PM
-space.doc? :lulz:
Is that what it comes up as? Hilarious. They story title is Liminal Space, so the document title, at least on my drive, is liminal-space.doc. I guess the thingie just cut off "liminal." :lol:
No, I left off the "liminal" to bring the focus to the "-space.doc". :fap:
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spacedocking
Quote from: LMNO on June 12, 2009, 08:55:18 PM
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spacedocking
FWIW, the snoodling definition is older than the shitting one, which I think people just added to be "extreme".
Quote from: Nigel on June 12, 2009, 08:45:28 PM
No, I left off the "liminal" to bring the focus to the "-space.doc". :fap:
Ooohhhh, okay. I thought it was coming up wonky.
OH HAI I AM DCUP SANS SUFFICIENT CAFFEINE
...
...AHAHA OKAY I GET IT NOW. Oh my. :lulz:
I saw the space.doc bit and laffed too.
I only knew the more recent meaning of the term, though.
Well written. No editorial suggestions in that regard. I enjoyed the style (I've been known to abuse footnotes as well, although I haven't written anything longer than two pages in over a year).
The Aaron character seems a bit unbelievable, because he doesn't seem to express any significant faults; however, you don't really have room or cause to develop any over the course of the story. I mention it because it limits my emotional interaction with the main character. In a Discordian sense, she's got -ORDER and +CHAOS to choose from, and so there's very little real conflict to resolve.
Is this a chapter? It stands alone, but it also reads like a part of a longer story.
Quote from: Arafelis on June 13, 2009, 12:23:30 AM
Well written. No editorial suggestions in that regard. I enjoyed the style (I've been known to abuse footnotes as well, although I haven't written anything longer than two pages in over a year).
Thanks! My style shifts a bit from story to story as I try to keep the style as part of the story's "personality," and this was a bit experimental for me.
Quote
The Aaron character seems a bit unbelievable, because he doesn't seem to express any significant faults; however, you don't really have room or cause to develop any over the course of the story. I mention it because it limits my emotional interaction with the main character. In a Discordian sense, she's got -ORDER and +CHAOS to choose from, and so there's very little real conflict to resolve.
Interesting. He was intended to be quite an aloof, kind of assholeish character who is appealing to the main character only in the sense that he is the antithesis of her boyfriend/fiance and is very novel, not because he actually has any particularly redeeming personality traits. The idea was that at the end of the story, she's the one who achieves the balance of order and chaos in herself--Aaron is too far to the chaos extreme, such that he can really only function in his own weird world, and David is too far to the other extreme, such that he is completely inflexible and defined by his, well, definitions.
So I will work on making Aaron a bit more... well, Aaron-ish. I very much dislike faultless characters, so thanks for that!
Quote
Is this a chapter? It stands alone, but it also reads like a part of a longer story.
It's not intended to be. I write too many long things, so I'm trying to dabble in doing individual, stand alone stories for a change.
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on June 15, 2009, 04:49:10 PM
He was intended to be quite an aloof, kind of assholeish character who is appealing to the main character only in the sense that he is the antithesis of her boyfriend/fiance and is very novel, not because he actually has any particularly redeeming personality traits.
I should probably clarify: He does come across as an asshole, but in the context of the story, that seems to be a virtue. If you wanted to draw something of a contrast between the sympathetic virtues of the two characters, you could try to work in a 'puppy moment.' That is, put each of the male characters in the position of being respectful or cruel to someone who has no power over them -- like a restaurant server, mall cop, even a literal puppy. It might have to bend the character slightly to make the point in a couple of lines, but such is the short story.
QuoteThe idea was that at the end of the story, she's the one who achieves the balance of order and chaos in herself--Aaron is too far to the chaos extreme, such that he can really only function in his own weird world, and David is too far to the other extreme, such that he is completely inflexible and defined by his, well, definitions.
I did get the sense she concludes the story as an independent person; you've got that nice bit where she pities Aaron for his academia. However, I still get the sense that she ends up most aligned with his point of view. You could perhaps conclude her contemplation of the ring with putting it in an envelope and dropping it in a mail slot back to David, which keeps the same connotation (dropping, letting go) but symbolizes a consideration for others' feelings. Or something to that effect.
I agree with Arafelis it is well written, and keeps good structure.
I quite liked the footnotes, and I think they added to the story. However seeing as how it is written in third person you could just add all the valuable quips into the story proper without compromising the integrity of flow.
As for the story itself I feel like a lot of emotion and reasoning is missing. I guess I just feel like I don't understand well enough what all off the characters are thinking or how they work.
I don't think of the Aaron character as good or at all "better" than the other characters. To take someone out like that and agree to meet them again (after the first encounter) then hear about the trouble with the fiance then fuck the girl without further word. It seems he is doing little to intentionally liberate the person and could just as easily made life much worse for the girl.
Thanks for the good read.