If I was God
I would have put a cap on primate evolution.
Past a certain point, "sorry no more evolving... you guys start to get really stupid."
Now I see why Adam was kicked out of the garden. It wasn't cause he ate some rotten apple. No it was cause God didn't want to put up with his inane, stupid babbling anymore.
After he got his knowledge man was already fucking complaining about being naked.
God was like, "OH my fucking God (though I don't think God would use the word "God" in that situation, but hey) What have I created?"
God knew what was coming; psychobabble, middle class kids sobbing over imagined situations, people fucking in bunny suits, societies using tons of resources on think tanks who do nothing but justify ignorance.
Squirrels, weasels, or rats wouldn't have fucked this up as much these screaming, moronic primates have.
Hell I think Cephalopods could do a better job.
Which begs the question... What the fuck is taking Cthulhu so fricken long? Seriously the guy has to shape up.
Though maybe he has a point. Wait till the fucking primates destroy themselves with the ultimate shit fest then the spoils are his. And this way he doesn't sully his creations with primate stupidity. It's probably contagious.
But if I was God he wouldn't have to worry about that.
There would have been a cap on primate evolution.
must be cap and trade....
i have certain levels of stupidity output that i must maintain, even if it costs me dearly...
Capping is terribly hard to do in a chaotic system like the self-mutating lifeform. I'd rather just notice the horrible anomaly and deploy the angel with the flaming boot of competence to put it up the nascent species's common arse.
Hahaha Niiiice Thorny!
"In the year two-thousaaaaaand..."
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v511/Navkat/conanyear2000.jpg)
omg navkat :lulz:
I like your rant TI
Would read again A+++ writer
If I was God I would have just gone ahead and made us into whatever we're evolving into from the start. I mean if you're omnipotent, are you going to bother waiting for humanity to evolve on their own?
Well perhaps it's because some things need to be learn with OJT. Like, you might be born with the talent and potential to be a prodigal musician but you also gotta learn to play the piano and develop some muscle-memory and skill at it.
I mean, that's one argument one could take if they were an omnipotent concept that clearly doesn't exist.
But if you're omnipotent, you can just give the person knowledge of music and the muscle memory. Omnipotence means that there is nothing that can't be done.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 08:16:02 PM
But if you're omnipotent, you can just give the person knowledge of music and the muscle memory. Omnipotence means that there is nothing that can't be done.
That sounds like a lot of work...like playing The Sims.
Isn't there a way to let it run on auto-pilot? I mean, I know mistakes will be made but the cost:convenience ratio is too tempting to pass up!
:p
That leads to omniscience and omnipresence. It can run the universe without any effort. It doesn't really need to think it through, it can just say "make it work" and poof!
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 08:23:19 PM
That leads to omniscience and omnipresence. It can run the universe without any effort. It doesn't really need to think it through, it can just say "make it work" and poof!
Sounds pretty boring.
I'm not really sure an entity or whatever the hell it is can be bored. This is an entity that can create and run and entire universe from the movement of galaxies to the dividing of single celled organisms. It's like wondering if Cthulhu can understand the concept of morality. It's just too big.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 08:34:18 PM
I'm not really sure an entity or whatever the hell it is can be bored. This is an entity that can create and run and entire universe from the movement of galaxies to the dividing of single celled organisms. It's like wondering if Cthulhu can understand the concept of morality. It's just too big.
Nah, Cthulhu is too big for mere human morality. Truth is, he's just a lonely High Priest from an Alien world, the poor guy....
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 08:34:18 PM
I'm not really sure an entity or whatever the hell it is can be bored.
Well, if I was God, YOU would never be bored. There would be no wars, because you'd be too busy dealing with zombies and huge fucking squid in the sewers. That's the problem with humans...they have too much time on their hands.
Also, the basic design of the human body would make sense. None of this bilateral symmetry shit. Ask me why. Go ahead. Ask.
QuoteNah, Cthulhu is too big for mere human morality. Truth is, he's just a lonely High Priest from an Alien world, the poor guy....
My point exactly.
QuoteAlso, the basic design of the human body would make sense. None of this bilateral symmetry shit. Ask me why. Go ahead. Ask.
Okay. Why?
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 10:00:00 PM
Okay. Why?
Because this "intelligent design" is BULLSHIT.
It's a little-known fact that all pre and early-human skeletons are found with leopard marks in the back of their heads. Why? Because our bodies are designed to do NOTHING right. We can't run, we can't fight, we can't even HIDE or at least SEE PREDATORS COMING.
Let's review:
1. Brain. There is NO REASON to have the brain up in the head. The head should only be a sensor suite. The brain should be in the torso, which would be armored. Gets rid of that ridiculous spinal cord.
2. Heart. Two of them. One can go where the appendix is now. The appendix can go. Or, if it MUST stay, when it goes boom, it should REALLY go *BOOM*. Sort of like a random suicide bomber, only different.
3. Arms. We are a tool using species. We need two big beefy ass arms for holding stuff, and one skinny one with about 3 elbows and 6 joints on each finger for manipulating the things we're holding. Or just an arm with a bunch of tentacles on the end. Speaking of tentacles...
4. Tail. Why was this gotten rid of? Replace it. Or, better yet, put a BIG FUCKING TENTACLE just above the ass. With a robot-like gripper arm on the end. The porn possibilities alone justify it.
5. Eyes. Four of 'em. Two in front, for hunting, and two on the sides like a bird, to see the leopards coming.
Anyway, that's what I'd do. For starters.
That's pretty good, except maybe for the tail...I figure theres a reason for our physical shape. But this also goes under points why God may not be benevolent or interested in us.
He didn't want to start us off with more than our perversity can handle. An upgrade is overdue, though.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 10:11:49 PM
That's pretty good, except maybe for the tail...I figure theres a reason for our physical shape.
1. Tails are very useful. Especially with a big ass robot gripper arm.
2. Yes, there's a reason: A malevolent - or just lazy - deity.
Quote from: yhnmzw on July 06, 2009, 10:22:05 PM
He didn't want to start us off with more than our perversity can handle. An upgrade is overdue, though.
You think humans just discovered perversity YESTERDAY, or something? HAH! You fucking kids don't know how to rock n roll...and my generation, which does definitely know how to rock and roll, was NOTHING on the roaring 20s. They had some stone deviants, back then.
Quote2. Yes, there's a reason: A malevolent - or just lazy - deity.
I'm not sure that those words apply. God's just too big and too alien to apply human traits like malevolence and laziness to. I would say the closest you could get would be indifferent.
i had a theory about god's reaction time, that I thought up while learnin' about the nervous system.
In most animals, nerve transmission is *about* 60mph. Now, we can assume that God probably has a slightly more sophisticated system of co-ordinations, but even then nothing, not even god's nervous system can be faster than the speed of light. And as God is omnipresent, that means he is at least the size of the universe, any prayers he may or may not be hearing are gonna take a FUCKING LONG TIME to get answered. Pray for the future.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 10:25:29 PM
Quote2. Yes, there's a reason: A malevolent - or just lazy - deity.
I'm not sure that those words apply. God's just too big and too alien to apply human traits like malevolence and laziness to. I would say the closest you could get would be indifferent.
Bosh. That's monkey-talk. Odds are, the Greeks were right, and the Gods are just bigger, vainer, pettier versions of ourselves.
Quote from: Roaring Biscuit! on July 06, 2009, 10:31:23 PM
i had a theory about god's reaction time, that I thought up while learnin' about the nervous system.
In most animals, nerve transmission is *about* 60mph. Now, we can assume that God probably has a slightly more sophisticated system of co-ordinations, but even then nothing, not even god's nervous system can be faster than the speed of light. And as God is omnipresent, that means he is at least the size of the universe, any prayers he may or may not be hearing are gonna take a FUCKING LONG TIME to get answered. Pray for the future.
It's entirely possible that you're right, and that is the only thing saving us from him.
Don't pray at all.
QuoteBosh. That's monkey-talk. Odds are, the Greeks were right, and the Gods are just bigger, vainer, pettier versions of ourselves.
I don't think so. It would take a humongous and alien mind to run an entire universe. If it was as vain and petty as the Dodekatheon then the whole thing would have imploded long before humanity showed up.
humans are to god as face paint and big shoes are to clowns
Hmm. Fits.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 10:45:43 PM
QuoteBosh. That's monkey-talk. Odds are, the Greeks were right, and the Gods are just bigger, vainer, pettier versions of ourselves.
I don't think so. It would take a humongous and alien mind to run an entire universe. If it was as vain and petty as the Dodekatheon then the whole thing would have imploded long before humanity showed up.
Who says God runs it? You're the closest thing to God your dog knows, and you didn't build your house.
Admittedly, I don't have any evidence to say that god does run things. But also, there really isn't anything to say he doesn't either.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:03:41 PM
Admittedly, I don't have any evidence to say that god does run things. But also, there really isn't anything to say he doesn't either.
I think he did, until about 2000 years ago. Then something happened.
That's why the Judeo-Christian God stopped being as funny as he used to be.
Why 2000 years ago?
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:07:26 PM
Why 2000 years ago?
Old Testament ended. No more funny plagues, wrath, etc. Remember the Canaanites? Neither do I.
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
Maybe it just decided to change it's tactics.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 10:07:26 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 10:00:00 PM
Okay. Why?
Because this "intelligent design" is BULLSHIT.
It's a little-known fact that all pre and early-human skeletons are found with leopard marks in the back of their heads. Why? Because our bodies are designed to do NOTHING right. We can't run, we can't fight, we can't even HIDE or at least SEE PREDATORS COMING.
Let's review:
1. Brain. There is NO REASON to have the brain up in the head. The head should only be a sensor suite. The brain should be in the torso, which would be armored. Gets rid of that ridiculous spinal cord.
2. Heart. Two of them. One can go where the appendix is now. The appendix can go. Or, if it MUST stay, when it goes boom, it should REALLY go *BOOM*. Sort of like a random suicide bomber, only different.
3. Arms. We are a tool using species. We need two big beefy ass arms for holding stuff, and one skinny one with about 3 elbows and 6 joints on each finger for manipulating the things we're holding. Or just an arm with a bunch of tentacles on the end. Speaking of tentacles...
4. Tail. Why was this gotten rid of? Replace it. Or, better yet, put a BIG FUCKING TENTACLE just above the ass. With a robot-like gripper arm on the end. The porn possibilities alone justify it.
5. Eyes. Four of 'em. Two in front, for hunting, and two on the sides like a bird, to see the leopards coming.
Anyway, that's what I'd do. For starters.
No tail, human bodies do pretty much one think right and thats long haul endurance, a tail would screw with walking/running.
I want two of the fancy arms.
i don't think there's room for our brains in our chest cavities, and skulls are better armor than ribs. On the other hand, I'd love a dinosaur style backup brain to help with A) getting the fuck out of the way of the leopards, and B) using those new arms to their maximum possible dexterity. In fact, move the entire cortex and double it in size, leave us with room for a fucking sanity check subroutine in the skull, a giant chunk of brain just devoted to checking and seeing if the rest of it is working right.
And cutting off access to the cortex if it isn't.
Makes sense. Someone should make a post-humanist thread.
Quote from: Requia on July 07, 2009, 12:26:47 AM
I want two of the fancy arms.
They don't make them with two.
the skinny arm should be movable for task like scratching your own back and holding a camera at odd-angles while you're filming yourself having secks.
Quote from: navkat on July 07, 2009, 12:55:08 AM
the skinny arm should be movable for task like scratching your own back and holding a camera at odd-angles while you're filming yourself having secks.
Link?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:06:29 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
No, he fucking didn't. He punished everyone around them, instead.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:14:41 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:06:29 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
No, he fucking didn't. He punished everyone around them, instead.
Yup, that too. Thus we get fun things like the firebombing of Dresden.
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:23:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:14:41 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:06:29 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
No, he fucking didn't. He punished everyone around them, instead.
Yup, that too. Thus we get fun things like the firebombing of Dresden.
Yes, those poor innocent Germans. :roll:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:30:11 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:23:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:14:41 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:06:29 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
No, he fucking didn't. He punished everyone around them, instead.
Yup, that too. Thus we get fun things like the firebombing of Dresden.
Yes, those poor innocent Germans. :roll:
Nearly as innocent as the Egyptians, the Babylonians, and the other folks who got hit for being around Jews.
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:42:35 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:30:11 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:23:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 07, 2009, 02:14:41 AM
Quote from: BabylonHoruv on July 07, 2009, 02:06:29 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2009, 11:46:40 PM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on July 06, 2009, 11:16:53 PM
Ah. I don't know about that stopping. Maybe it just got more subtle. Now it just blames all of the disasters on nature or uses human patsies. Serial killers who are actually being directed by God, terrorists who are the same way, who knows what kind of mayhem he might be behind.
Balls. The old testament God was never sneaky about ANYTHING. Just ask Gommorah.
Nope. God ain't running things, at least not anymore.
I dunno, The holocaust sure looks like his work to me. For some reason he did that kind of thing to the Jews all the time.
No, he fucking didn't. He punished everyone around them, instead.
Yup, that too. Thus we get fun things like the firebombing of Dresden.
Yes, those poor innocent Germans. :roll:
Nearly as innocent as the Egyptians, the Babylonians, and the other folks who got hit for being around Jews.
WOW.
:lol:
Quote from: Roaring Biscuit! on July 06, 2009, 10:31:23 PM
i had a theory about god's reaction time, that I thought up while learnin' about the nervous system.
In most animals, nerve transmission is *about* 60mph. Now, we can assume that God probably has a slightly more sophisticated system of co-ordinations, but even then nothing, not even god's nervous system can be faster than the speed of light. And as God is omnipresent, that means he is at least the size of the universe, any prayers he may or may not be hearing are gonna take a FUCKING LONG TIME to get answered. Pray for the future.
All of said universe could exist within the brain of God, meaning his thoughts wouldn't have far to travel at all. Also, if he IS omnipresent then any thoughts or prayers or anything he would perceive would need to travel beyond the gap of an infinitesimal space.
Quote from: Requia on July 07, 2009, 12:26:47 AM
No tail, human bodies do pretty much one think right and thats long haul endurance, a tail would screw with walking/running.
To the contrary: the tail is an appendage for balance, as well as gripping. That's why cats have them. It's a weight to adjust one's center of gravity and momentum. That's why they put huge weights in the tops of skyscrapers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuned_mass_damper). People might also think about balance in oneself more readily.
Yes but changing our balance changes the way we walk/run, which right now is ultra efficient. If we hunch over because of a tail that'll tire us out more.
If I was God, I'd mess with the laws of the Universe to make Cold Fusion work or not work, depending on how I felt at the time.
Cain proves himself to be God, ITT.
Quote from: Requia on July 07, 2009, 06:01:06 PM
Yes but changing our balance changes the way we walk/run, which right now is ultra efficient. If we hunch over because of a tail that'll tire us out more.
That would depend on how far back it tends to point. BTW, Industrial Revolution and cubicles would be made significantly more horrible or less horrible if we all had tails that pointed back all the time, I imagine.
Quote from: LMNO on July 07, 2009, 07:06:23 PM
Cain proves himself to be God, ITT.
If you're going to be a God, you may as well be a trickster god. Anything less just isn't fun.
I'd try and make all the rules of the Universe local. Very local. As in, every 10 metres or so it will change. Or plant fossils of creatures that haven't evolved yet. I'd certainly make miraculous visitations...only in the form of various pop stars and media icons.
So, you want to make this place Discworld, essentially.
Only more with a more pro-active ethic when it comes to meddling in the affairs of mortals.
Quote from: Cain on July 07, 2009, 08:22:23 PM
If you're going to be a God, you may as well be a trickster god. Anything less just isn't fun.
Who says the God everyone's referring to in this thread isn't one? Ever tell a great joke to a dumb audience?