QuoteWE REMEMBER 9-11
Smoke billows rolled
As planes shattered glass
Concrete and steel
The trees and the grass
An enemy attack
On the Land of the Free
How could this happen
How could this be
Our hearts gripped with fear
In sheer disbelief
Unbearable sorrow
One hardly could speak
As evil sought triumph
Through catastrophic strife
Towers fell and buildings crumbled
Tragically ending innocent lives
We cried out to God
Fell down on our knees
Hugged our families, friends, and strangers
Helping anyone in need
It was a day where we placed
All our differences aside
We were Americans facing tragedy
With courage, tears, and battle-cries
We remember 9-11
Those who paid the highest price
Those who bravely tackled evil
Those whose courage rescued lives
Unfathomable terror
Unfolded before our eyes
A day where heroes would die
And warriors... would rise.
We remember 9-11
Our lives forever changed
Those whose heartbeats too soon ended
Shall not have died in vain
Though evil fought for victory
The death of freedom was their prize
Americans will not bow to terrorists
And Our Freedom... Will... Survive
We remember 9-11
Yet our hearts, our hopes our dreams
Remain alive
Now hear our cry
AMERICA, LET FREEDOM RING
What is the most cutting putdown for this poem? Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?
I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.
I say let's edit it for truth.
And our freedom...would be...compromised.
if you just wanna piss them off derail the thread with some ridiculous (but semi-defendable for long enough) 911 conspiracy theory.
or reply with the Lyrics to Chris Korda's "I Like To Watch".
Or refer to 911 as "The Great New York Smoke Out".
Or go totally right wing nut job, you know, "Who cares if a bunch of New York liberals died?".
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on September 16, 2009, 10:41:14 PM
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.
Agreed, the poem is shit, not just because of the topic, but because its a crappy poem.
Quote from: Doctor Rat Bastard on September 16, 2009, 10:54:50 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on September 16, 2009, 10:41:14 PM
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.
Agreed, the poem is shit, not just because of the topic, but because its a crappy poem.
It inspires me to versify.
muhaha
I think the Canadian Army's marching chant would be appropriate here:
1, 2, 3, 4, Let's go die in Bush's war!
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,
"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."
When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,
"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."
When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.
Correct poetic motorcycle.
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,
"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."
When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.
This post is better poetry.
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
"Look, yet another
patriotic smarmy, spoon fed, and bathos-ridden melodramatic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."
Fixed that for ya.
Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.
Quote from: Rumckle on September 17, 2009, 03:49:11 AM
Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.
At the start, the rhyming scheme made ME thing Emily Dickenson had crawled out of her grave.
Quote from: Cain on September 16, 2009, 10:01:30 PM
What is the most cutting putdown for this poem? Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?
I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.
LINK. WHERE FUCKING IS.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 17, 2009, 03:55:10 AM
Quote from: Cain on September 16, 2009, 10:01:30 PM
What is the most cutting putdown for this poem? Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?
I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.
LINK. WHERE FUCKING IS.
SECONDED :argh!:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 17, 2009, 03:51:18 AM
Quote from: Rumckle on September 17, 2009, 03:49:11 AM
Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.
At the start, the rhyming scheme made ME thing Emily Dickenson had crawled out of her grave.
It reminded me of Julia A. Moore, only with less talent.
Quote from: Agent Pariah on September 17, 2009, 04:01:55 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 17, 2009, 03:55:10 AM
LINK. WHERE FUCKING IS.
SECONDED :argh!:
Found it.
hXXp://bighollywood.breitbart.com/cstanton/2009/09/11/honoring-september-11th-we-remember/
:musak:
:lulz: I just read all the comments. All comments within the past two days are critical.
Quote from: ReaderJust a few questions for the author. Why did you give up on rhyming after two stanzas? Why did you give up on any attempt at meter at all after four? Why did you do this in this fashion? I suspect you knew what you were doing, so why didn't you take the time to fix it? Does 9-11 not mean enough to you that you would go to the trouble of creating something of coherence or beauty? Did the tragedy seem so trivial to you that you thought it fit to memorialize in this slapdash, careless style? This is ugly, and it makes the events of that day seem petty and maudlin, and is that really what you intended?
:thumb:
Yeah, it is teh Breitbart. Fighting his one-man guerrilla insurgency against the evils of Liberal Hollywood, with only a website and buckets of cash from Christian fundamentalists.
Well I would go for the option of slight editing to reflect, and attribution to, the terrorists themselves.
After all it seems to consist entirely of vague buzzwords and ideals that would be easily transferable to The Other Side.
Quote from: Payne on September 17, 2009, 04:28:46 PM
Well I would go for the option of slight editing to reflect, and attribution to, the terrorists themselves.
After all it seems to consist entirely of vague buzzwords and ideals that would be easily transferable to The Other Side.
THIS.
I posted this:
QuoteThere is no discernible attempt at rhythm. The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced, and is seemingly abandoned midway. It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery. It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,
"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."
When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those. It is, I think, a little offensive to wordsmiths, to patriots, and to those who lost loved ones in the attack, to publicly post a "tribute" so poorly written as to be insulting and trivializing of a monumental tragedy that had such a profound effect on our country and our people. For shame.
I posted this
QuoteYou americans are stupid, and you know this is God's revenge for you! Do you think you can just go around killing people in other countries unpunished?! And say it's in God's name? Well God's pissed offed now, so it's time for you to pray. But don't hope it will help! The templers died, now it's your turn
Fucking templars. Ruin everything.
poem in its original farsi
Quote11
دود
هواپيماهاي انصروه مورته مار را درهم شيشه
ساروج و فولاد
به
یک درخت و سبزه دشمن حمله به
سرزمين
چه آزاد نبود كه اين اتفاق
چه مي شود
ما با ترس جریانات
در شير خواهی ديد
غير قابل تحمل غم
آن كه
به مثابه شر حرف بزند و
برج پيروزي از كشمكش مصيبتبار و
پايان اسفناكي بيگناه فرو ريخت ساختمان زندگی
ما فرياد كنان به خدا
روي زانو زدن
مدعوين خانواده, دوستان و بيگانگان
نياز به كمك كسي در
آن بود که ما قرار
هر روز اختلافات ما
با آن مواجه می شدند که به كناري تراژدي
با شجاعت و اشك, و نبرد-فرياد
به ياد داريم 9-11
كساني كه بالاترين قيمت
كساني كه با شهامت شر پيشآمده حل
كساني كه جرئت نجات يافته زنده گي
بيرنكش
روا وحشت
يك روز پيش چشمان ما در
aazaadi... قهرمانان و بميرد.
به ياد داريم 9-11
تا ابد زندگی ما تغيير
زود زود آن
نخواهم داشت پايان بيهوده در
مبارزه با شر براي پيروزي
مرگ جوايز خود را از آزادي
می خواهند
ما سر تعظيم تروريست ها و باقي مانده
به ياد داريم freedom... صميم قلب آرزو مىكنم 9-11
با اين حال ما, ما اميد ما
اين رويا زنده بمانند ما فرياد
آمريكا, آزادي انگشتر
the
correct translation from Farsi to English
QuoteWe remember 9-11
planes Thus have smoke Mortemart shattered glass
cement and steel
to
a tree and grass enemy
territory to
what was not free that this
is what happened
with our fear currents
in lion shall be
unbearable grief
that
as evil and speak
tower of victory of the conflict and
the fatal sorrowful innocent collapsed building
we cried out to allah
scholium
guests on family, friends and strangers
who need help in
the US
every day our differences
face to put aside tragedy with
courage and tears, and the battle-cry
we remember 9-11
who had the highest bidder
who bravely Evil tackled
those who dared rescued living
unfathomable
terror Admissibll
one day before our eyes in
warriors heroes and die.
We remember 9-11
forever changed our lives
early that
he will not end in vain in
fighting against evil
death victory for its prizes of freedom
,
we will bow to terrorists and the remaining
we remember freedom. I sincerely hope 9-11
with the US, We hope
this vision we survive
America we cry, freedom ring
translated to Farsi and back :lulz:
:lulz: That's grand. Post it!
i like how there seems to be no word for freedom in Farsi..
There is. I can get it for you in Dari.
aazaadi
nice i will use it, the word warriors didn't translate either for some reason..??
Quote from: Pastor-Mullah Zappathruster on September 17, 2009, 01:35:15 PM
:lulz: I just read all the comments. All comments within the past two days are critical.
Quote from: ReaderJust a few questions for the author. Why did you give up on rhyming after two stanzas? Why did you give up on any attempt at meter at all after four? Why did you do this in this fashion? I suspect you knew what you were doing, so why didn't you take the time to fix it? Does 9-11 not mean enough to you that you would go to the trouble of creating something of coherence or beauty? Did the tragedy seem so trivial to you that you thought it fit to memorialize in this slapdash, careless style? This is ugly, and it makes the events of that day seem petty and maudlin, and is that really what you intended?
:thumb:
:lulz:
IF WE DONT WRITE GOOD POETRY THE TERRYRISTS WIN!!!1!
i tried to post my Farsi version but wordpress gave me a 404 page when i tried to sign up
somebody want to post them for me ?
i was thinking something like... "you are all being trolled, this poem is a slightly modified version of a poem written in Farsi that was taken off a captured terrorist taken prisoner in Afghanistan by American solders (post Farsi version ) this is the translation of the original into English (post English version) "
or if you can think of something funnier (or sells the story better) go for it...
I wouldn't waste a whole sentence commenting on that thing, just one word:
Genericrap. (Not to be confused with generic rap.)
Why are you using Farsi? I would think Arabic would be more to the point. *shrug*
the translation back and forth was funnier..
You read Farsi?
I mean, I would think someone who can't read either would think both of them equally funny. Same sort of translation is lost, so to speak, and Farsi seems irrelevant vis a vis 9/11. Or, rather, LESS relevant, I suppose I should say. It wasn't Afghans or Iranians who hijacked the planes, just saying.
i just used a on line translator, the Arabic (which i tried first ) came back almost identical to the original English the Farsi came back scrambled enough to pass for being from a terrorist ..
if you can get a funnier Arabic version go for it...
i have turned the idea over to anyone who wants to run with it since i cant post to the site anyway...
True...*shrug*
Quote from: Cain on September 17, 2009, 02:59:44 PM
Yeah, it is teh Breitbart. Fighting his one-man guerrilla insurgency against the evils of Liberal Hollywood, with only a website and buckets of cash from Christian fundamentalists.
I thought that that was Brent Bozell's gig. If I knew that the market was so wide open I would have applied for the job.