You know, I have a problem. My problem is that I'm too nice. Why should I think that? Well, I don't think I'm too nice, I know I am, I just can't define why. I can, however, give you examples of my nice-osity.
When I was with my ex, and during phases where the lies I told myself ("Oh yes, I'm very happy, why should I leave?") were wearing thin, and I grew unhappy enough to contemplate leaving him, I never went through with it because it would hurt him too much.
Up until a few days ago, I didn't want to apply for child support because I figured that the 200 a month, that's 200 dollars every thirty days so, would be plenty and I would have tons of money left over. And I didn't want to apply for it because that would inconvenice him, in no small degree.
And any situation where I don't tell my folks how completely they disgust me is proof enough of how generous I am, even if I am just doing it to keep the peace.
But you see, I'm tired of it all. I cannot stand how understanding I feel like I have to be. I can't handle giving a damn for every excuse, every story, every lie formulated for sympathy that comes my way. I'm tired of temporizing my every THOUGHT to include the ifs, buts, and exclusions that can and will arise to every statement I make.
I've got over 20 years of rage bottled up, and it's Contents Under Pressure, don't you doubt. I want to beat the crap out of people who make me mad. I want to be rude to random people on the street. I want to give two shits about whether or not I inadvertently offended someone.
And at the same time, I like being nice to some people. My friends for one, because you can't keep friends fif you're a dick all the time. I like being nice to people in person, or at least polite, and also on the internet, in case they want to be friends. And I think the biggest reason I have that keeps me nice all the time is that I can't stand myself when I'm not. I have literally been kept up at nights over some trivial little thing that might have been construed by the other party as a little bit rude.
And so I have come to you, PD, in hopes of being learning how to not care if people get angry, to not care if someone gets offended, and to learn how to think for myself. This sheep has a long way to go, though, I reckon.
Luffles, Mistress Freeky
The "Token" Sheep!
Well then, stop.
Little boys + keyboards = Aargh
He was pushing buttons, and it made the thing post before I was done.
Theres a difference between prioritizing the needs of others before your own, and being nice.
I can sympathize with you. Most of my life has been spent in constant fear of what other people thought about me. A constant deluge of paranoia and anxiety, let me tell you.
The pounding, relentless, invasive thoughts about what you said, what they said, what you could have said, what you will say. Always expecting laughter to be maliciously directed at you. Whoo! Bad Times.
In the end I found these things rooted in my own selfishness and desire to control everything that could happen to me, so as not to come in harms way.
I don't know if that's why you do it. But if it is, or that's close, what helped me is this:
YOU CONTROL NOT A DAMNED THING.
Or
Whether you keep these people from reacting or not, bad (and good) things are going to happen to you and them. Your measures of protecting or being nice will stop nothing.
Also, coming from the very edge of that kind of behavior:
If you were not there to keep that stuff from happening, what would happen?
Well, anything. Anything at all. So why not let anything happen anyway, let things fall as they will, and let those responsible for their pieces pick them up at their leisure?
Quote from: Alty on November 25, 2009, 03:13:38 AM
I can sympathize with you. Most of my life has spent in constant fear of what other people thought about me. A constant deluge of paranoia and anxiety, let me tell you.
The pounding, relentless, invasive thoughts about what you said, what they said, what you could have said, what you will say. Always expecting laughter to be maliciously directed at you. Whoo! Bad Times.
In the end I found these things rooted in my own selfishness and desire to control everything that could happen to me, so as not to come in harms way.
I don't know if that's why you do it. But if it is, or that's close, what helped me is this:
YOU CONTROL NOT A DAMNED THING.
Or
Whether you keep these people from reacting or not, bad (and good) things are going to happen to you and them. Your measures of protecting or being nice will stop nothing.
Also, coming from the very edge of that kind of behavior:
If you were not there to keep that stuff from happening, what would happen?
Well, anything. Anything at all. So why not let anything happen anyway, let things fall as they will, and let those responsible for their pieces pick them up at their leisure?
:o wow. Thanks.
And perhaps a factor is low selfesteem?
do you think of yourself as a human?
it might be a good idea to start thinking like that.
yes you are imperfect, just remember: so are they.
you are equal, that means you have to treat yourself as you would the others.
once you act like a lesser being you deny the others a chance to develop a sense of respect for their others.
do you really want to damage their development like that?
Sorry to get clinical here:
You seem to have a deficit in your second circuit*. I suggest concentrating on finding ways to express that you are HERE, and NOW. You seem to have problems defining your emotional and conceptual Territory. In order to act freely, you must be able to establish your territory with confidence. When you are sure about the boundaries of your territory, insecurity vanishes. You are YOU, you are HERE, you are NOW.
Because it looks like your territory has been compromised, you might be wearing The Mask™ right now... that immovable, stoic, static mask of passive calm that traps the screaming, hysterical tsunami of emotions underneath. And when the mask slips... people end up getting hurt.
By slowly establishing and fortifying your territory, you can still be a kind person, but one who also is kind to yourself.
An alternate method is the patented TGRR "KICK THEM IN THE NADS!" technique.
*Using the 8 Circuit model of conciousness.
^damn, you make the 8-circuit model sound all legitimate and stuff
@OP: Remember, you won't find normalcy by just doing the opposite of what you're doing now.
And as others have said ITT, be gentle with yourself.
Much appreciation to all... Feeling lurkish and non-wordy.
Quote from: Brotep on November 25, 2009, 08:51:25 PM
^damn, you make the 8-circuit model sound all legitimate and stuff
@OP: Remember, you won't find normalcy by just doing the opposite of what you're doing now.
And as others have said ITT, be gentle with yourself.
agnosticism doesn't mean all plans are equal.
I have been advised to act and think like a self absorbed idiot for six weeks.
Mistress Freeky -
Totally not ready for this shit, but is game anyway.
Quote from: Spider JerusalemBeing a bastard works.
There is nothing wrong with being nice and happy. But, being a dick and expressing rage are just as valid emotions. And if you don't express both sides then life can be difficult (or at least boring).
Quote from: Rumckle on November 26, 2009, 08:28:04 PM
Quote from: Spider JerusalemBeing a bastard works.
There is nothing wrong with being nice and happy. But, being a dick and expressing rage are just as valid emotions. And if you don't express both sides then life can be difficult (or at least boring).
A big part of healthy expression of rage and "being a dick" is setting boundaries. It says (like LMNO stated above)
I am HERE, NOW, so don't FUCK with me, treat me RIGHT.
Go too far in one direction and you become an asshole. Go too far in the other and people walk all over you. Second circuit limits are a constant balancing act.