During the recession there was a point when Britain was twice as likely to go Bankrupt as McDonald's. What this means, in layman's terms, is that the British Government was outwitted by Ronald McDonald. Don't let the fact that he's a fictional clown trick you. He actually has a cunning business mind.
So, taking Ronald's financial acumen into account, and seeing promises of huge cuts in funding for public services; it's time we had a serious discussion about McDonald's buying out the UK. We should just let McDonald's run everything and officially become McBritain. Or, if we want to remain a proud Constitutional Monarchy, we could become a dominion of the Burger King.
Schools, we'll let McDonald's run them. They're already an exam board, offering qualifications equivalent to an A-level for running a McDonald's. This is merely the next logical step. No more exam failures, you just need to be able to tell the difference between a picture of a Burger and some Onion Rings and not put your hand in the chip fryer. I can already imagine the exam halls filled with those red plastic chairs, all bolted to the floor, children hunched over desks, furiously scribbling at their place mats as they help the Hamburgular escape a maze of French Fries. The three 'R's' would become Refills, Re-branding, and Revenue. Field Trip locations might become a little predictable and sure, there'd always be accusations of Child Labour; but everyone would be guaranteed a job at the end, so no more unemployment either. Obviously we wouldn't see many Doctors or Artists come out of the new schooling system, but what can they offer society that a McFlurry can't? They've even started young with a toy 'McDonald's Cash Register'. It comes with a visor,walkie talkie and name badge to, in their own words, 'make it feel like the child really works at McDonald's'. Aww, isn't that nice, McDonald's is training Toddlers to work for them. It's for ages three and up, which seems to be McDonald's admitting that you only need the mental capacity of a three year old to work in one of their 'Restaurants'. Although I'm not convinced that you should be allowed to call yourself a Restaurant if part of preparing your 'cuisine' is sliding a burger wrapped in paper down a little chute. How many Michelin Stars is that worth? The amount of parents who gave it 4 or 5 stars, out of five, in toy reviews is depressing. I saw one review, "I loved it, kids didn't", all that tells me is that your three year old is smarter than you.
McDonald's Hospitals. We already have Fast Food franchises in Hospital food courts. Does that bother anyone else? Because a bacon double cheeseburger is exactly what you need after a triple-bypass. And people wonder why everyone is so fat. Actually, I take that back, it's not exactly a mystery. We're so lazy we invented the electric toothbrush. My friend was looking at sponsoring a child in a Third World country. I said, why bother? Why not sponsor an American child? For just £2 a month, you can buy salad and running shoes for Little Timmy Fatass, so he doesn't have a heart attack before puberty. Come on, if we all chip in, we can eliminate Bingo wings in our lifetime. You could go to your GP and he'd have a huge keyboard with little pictures of everything that could be wrong with you, flu, broken leg, lupus, Brain Haemorrhage. Obviously some would be harder to show than others. Chances are good that in McBritain he'd be tapping the Morbidly Obese key quite a bit. Ambulances would get you to A&E in 30 minutes, or less, or your money back. Hospitals could have Tie-in promotional offers: Free coronary by-pass with your 1000th purchase; For only another 20p you can super-size your operation and get an extra leg sewn on. Not that you'll use it. Every Ward could have its own Slide and Ball Pool. You won't be able to get certain medication after a set time, like they won't serve insulin after Breakfast, only until 10:30am. Low cost liposuction treatments mean you'd probably end up eating Chips fried in your own fat. A big sign outside hospitals, 1,000,000 patients cured. The ones you can't cure can always be turned into Happy Meals, with the added bonus of improving the flavour.
McMilitary. Military Campaigns would be a more subtle affair where you'd slowly infiltrate a hostile country's economy by building McDonald's 'Restaurants' and then decimating their population with diabetes and heart disease. Or you can Shock and Awe them with the new low low price of the Whopper and win Hearts and Minds with colourful Happy Meal toys. It couldn't make things worse. In fact there's a McDonald's at Guantanamo Bay. They actually allow well behaved prisoners to eat there as a treat. So apparently they hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, the pursuit of Happiness, and Fries with that. Somehow along the way they've lost all their fundamental rights except the one that allows a US owned corporation to make money. Hey, maybe I've got it all wrong. Perhaps it's actually another enhanced interrogation technique. Although personally I'd choose Water Boarding.
I don't fully understand the mentality of advertising new types of Burger on TV? That implies that people see the advert and go to McDonald's specifically to try it. "Oooh, Death has a new flavour!" Honestly, how pathetic must your life be, if you're so excited by the release of a slightly different combination of Bun, Burger and Cheese, that you instantly rush out and try it? Have you seen how they're redesigning all their 'Restaurants' to look more classy, putting in leather chairs and fancy lighting. It's not so much polishing a turd, as it it squishing it between the pages of an Ikea catalogue. Now they're putting up job advertising that says McOpportunity. Some opportunity; one day you could be the guy who flips the burgers with a metal spatula, living the dream... And who are these people who take their kids to McDonald's once a month as a special treat? Why not just cut out the middle man and punch your kid in the heart? It's the same 'treat' that the US Military gives to suspected terrorists, that should set off alarm bells in your head. If your idea for a treat is essentially one step up from electrodes to the genitals, you're doing something wrong. It says in one of McDonald's little leaflets, "Our highest priority is the safety of our customers" In that case, close down...
Somebody wrote this story already. (http://www.amazon.com/Rash-Pete-Hautman/dp/0689868014)
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Sadly, McBritain would likely be a nicer place to live than what the Tories have planned (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/oct/03/latvia-far-right-nazi-links).
:x
I liked the writing here. Although I find it hard to get worked up about McDonalds lately - they just seem to me to be a symptom of a larger set of problems.