Shortly after texting you, I realized that I couldn't breathe. My chest was locked up, I was sweating like a pig, and the worst part was that I was pretty sure I wasn't dying. When stuff like this happens, though, there is only one answer: Speed, and lots of it.
So I rolled the Ducati out of the garage, put on the chaps and jacket, slammed the helmet on, and punched up Elvis' A Little Less Conversation on infinite repeat, and blasted down Tangerine Road so fast I didn't dare look at the speedometer.
A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me
Tangerine Road has a section with some very deep dips in it, you have to understand, and it is very difficult to control a bike under the best of circumstances. The last thing you want is to hit a gravel patch, for example.
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Or a Coyote, for that matter.
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me
Satisfy me baby
Blood and fur and a completely out of control bike. It was all I could do to stay on the damned thing, Jim. It was like trying to ride an angry wolverine.
Come on baby Im tired of talking
Grab your coat and lets start walking
In a semi-controled skid now, nowhere to go, so I guess it's time to put the bike down. And just for a moment, I thought I heard the angels sing...or maybe it was just the rising chorus of the best damn Vegas anthem ever.
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on...
But then it isn't Elvis singing, just for that horrible half second, it's more like Francis from the pills video.
WHAT'S UP?
Since you're sliding at almost the same speed as the bike when you let go (and you have to let go, because if the bike flips over, you get to meet the sausage creature), there's a strange optical illusion...it looks like a giant invisible fist is crumpling the bike up, or maybe that it reached crush depth.
And then you stop sliding and start rolling. And then you find a big stand of mesquite and cactus, which is like a very uncomfortable crash net.
Then you finally get up, and take stock of the situation. Your ass has a huge welt on the right side (chaps have no ass in them, or you wouldn't be able to sit down, and jeans help...somewhat), you're limping, your right arm hurts like hell, and the bike is now scrap metal, worth about $35.
But you know what?
I can breathe again. But I am still stuck in this trap.
Or Kill Me.
:x HOLY SHIT ROGER
at least you were wearing a helmet? :x
Quote from: Sparkley Pink Shit on January 18, 2010, 04:41:57 PM
:x HOLY SHIT ROGER
at least you were wearing a helmet? :x
Of course. Otherwise, I couldn't listen to Elvis.
Also, leather jacket, gloves, boots, and chaps. That's why I still have that "skin" stuff.
But if you gotta go down, may as well do so by listening to a great song, even though it always reminds me of the Las Vegas TV show, but that's not a bad thing.
Damn Roger, I'm glad you are ok!
I understand that trapped feeling.
That is why it's for the best that I don't own anything that can go that kind of speed....
At least that is what I keep telling myself. I might even convince myself one day :|
I did a tap dance to that song junior year of highschool. :D
Dear god, man. Glad you're okay, and that you can breathe again, but for crying out loud... we'll miss you an awful lot if you ever run into the sausage creature.
Quote from: Khara on January 18, 2010, 04:52:20 PM
Damn Roger, I'm glad you are ok!
I understand that trapped feeling.
That is why it's for the best that I don't own anything that can go that kind of speed....
At least that is what I keep telling myself. I might even convince myself one day :|
When that feeling gets on top of you, you turn into a dumb brute, and the fight/flight instinct is all that matters. HAVE TO GET OUT. You'll gnaw your arm off with your very own teeth, if you have to.
Quote from: Cainad on January 18, 2010, 04:54:31 PM
Dear god, man. Glad you're okay, and that you can breathe again, but for crying out loud... we'll miss you an awful lot if you ever run into the sausage creature.
^^
THIS.
We might even get all teary-eyed and stuff.
Quote from: Remington on January 18, 2010, 05:00:53 PM
Quote from: Cainad on January 18, 2010, 04:54:31 PM
Dear god, man. Glad you're okay, and that you can breathe again, but for crying out loud... we'll miss you an awful lot if you ever run into the sausage creature.
^^
THIS.
We might even get all teary-eyed and stuff.
Allergies.
Quote from: Remington on January 18, 2010, 05:00:53 PM
Quote from: Cainad on January 18, 2010, 04:54:31 PM
Dear god, man. Glad you're okay, and that you can breathe again, but for crying out loud... we'll miss you an awful lot if you ever run into the sausage creature.
^^
THIS.
We might even get all teary-eyed and stuff.
yeah THIS.
Quote from: Sparkley Pink Shit on January 18, 2010, 05:02:04 PM
Quote from: Remington on January 18, 2010, 05:00:53 PM
Quote from: Cainad on January 18, 2010, 04:54:31 PM
Dear god, man. Glad you're okay, and that you can breathe again, but for crying out loud... we'll miss you an awful lot if you ever run into the sausage creature.
^^
THIS.
We might even get all teary-eyed and stuff.
yeah THIS.
Triple this'd.
Elvis' confessions of need aren't a bad way to go, considered.
Sounds like you almost hit that magic velocity though, he one where the right direction will take you out of a world of shit. You were right though, describing how the bike hit crush depth, physics wield the same force in ANY place, regardless of location.
Glad you're still ambulatory. Agreed on expressions of this, and good landing!
Quote from: Richter on January 18, 2010, 05:12:59 PM
Elvis' confessions of need aren't a bad way to go, considered.
Sounds like you almost hit that magic velocity though, he one where the right direction will take you out of a world of shit. You were right though, describing how the bike hit crush depth, physics wield the same force in ANY place, regardless of location.
Glad you're still ambulatory. Agreed on expressions of this, and good landing!
It was largely luck, a malevolent deity, and the fact that time got REALLY SLOW for a second. If I'd have thought about it, I would have cartwheeled down the road in a hideous mashup of steel and flesh.
That was a fucking brilliant accounting of the accident, but I am still pissed.
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on January 18, 2010, 06:40:34 PM
That was a fucking brilliant accounting of the accident, but I am still pissed.
Me, too. Fucking coyote.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 18, 2010, 06:41:51 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on January 18, 2010, 06:40:34 PM
That was a fucking brilliant accounting of the accident, but I am still pissed.
Me, too. Fucking coyote.
Did you save any part of the Coyote as a memento?
If I might offer a suggestion, I would put forth that you bleach its skull and attach to the front fender of your next bike.
Glad you're OK.
Quote from: Iptuous on January 18, 2010, 06:48:36 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 18, 2010, 06:41:51 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on January 18, 2010, 06:40:34 PM
That was a fucking brilliant accounting of the accident, but I am still pissed.
Me, too. Fucking coyote.
Did you save any part of the Coyote as a memento?
If I might offer a suggestion, I would put forth that you bleach its skull and attach to the front fender of your next bike.
Glad you're OK.
All that was left was a patina of blood and fur on my legs and gas tank.
The memento is the huge fucking fine I have to pay, plus the cost of the clean up of the wreck.
that sucks....
are the blood spattered chaps salvageable?
Quote from: Iptuous on January 18, 2010, 06:53:00 PM
that sucks....
are the blood spattered chaps salvageable?
No, they're pretty much wrecked. I WRECKED MY PANCE LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
Also, the jacket and helmet are complete write-offs. :crankey:
Roger, you're doing a fine job of killing yourself so that we won't have to. :x
This is precisely why I will never own a motorcycle. Or a gun, for that matter (well, at least not until zombie apocolypse, anyhow). Glad you're ok Roger, though I'm not worried for you. If it takes more than a jersy barrier accordianing my car at high speeds to kill me, I could only imagine that only tickling you a little bit.
Quote from: dimo on January 18, 2010, 07:44:33 PM
This is precisely why I will never own a motorcycle. Or a gun, for that matter (well, at least not until zombie apocolypse, anyhow). Glad you're ok Roger, though I'm not worried for you. If it takes more than a jersy barrier accordianing my car at high speeds to kill me, I could only imagine that only tickling you a little bit.
Actually, it hurt like hell. Still does.
And I am not buying another bike, maybe for weeks. I will, however, keep my guns, because I like them, and because this is Tucson.
Quote from: Nasturtiums on January 18, 2010, 07:21:19 PM
Roger, you're doing a fine job of killing yourself so that we won't have to. :x
Well, if I waited for you guys to do it, I'd die of old age.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 18, 2010, 07:46:19 PM
Quote from: Nasturtiums on January 18, 2010, 07:21:19 PM
Roger, you're doing a fine job of killing yourself so that we won't have to. :x
Well, if I waited for you guys to do it, I'd die of old age.
Oh, c'mon man!
give us some credit....
do you have any
idea how hard it was to train a coyote to act against its own survival instincts?!
Ugh. ROGER!
Well...at least you're in one piece still.
Oh, and fucking brilliant writing.
No more death for you Roger! :argh!:
Inches from death is sometimes the only way to breathe. Well done on surviving and bringing back stories from the edge :mittens:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 19, 2010, 09:18:21 AM
Inches from death is sometimes the only way to breathe. Well done on surviving and bringing back stories from the edge :mittens:
All the monkeys and screwheads and pimps and fixers and thieves have used up all the other oxygen. You can only
really breathe when your next breath might be your last.
That's why God gave us fast motorcycles and easily-riled women.
Fuck yeah! Even without motorcycles and women I can pretty much turn any normal, run of the mill activity into potentially life-threatening with very little effort. It's the sole reason they built me! Just ask Payne about what I can do with some bog-standard alcohol and some industrial scaffolding. :evil:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 19, 2010, 12:16:03 PM
Fuck yeah! Even without motorcycles and women I can pretty much turn any normal, run of the mill activity into potentially life-threatening with very little effort. It's the sole reason they built me! Just ask Payne about what I can do with some bog-standard alcohol and some industrial scaffolding. :evil:
"Bog-standard"?
You aren't drinking peat moss squeezings are you? Horrible, horrible...you Scots are all the same.
Lemme guess - that's not an common expression in teh US of A?
means - "perfectly normal"
but, yeah - I'd have to put my hands up to "horrible" just the same
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 19, 2010, 12:23:27 PM
Lemme guess - that's not an common expression in teh US of A?
means - "perfectly normal"
but, yeah - I'd have to put my hands up to "horrible" just the same
Drinking peat moss drainings is "perfectly normal"? :x
WHAT HAVE THEY
DONE TO YOU, MAN?
Nothing I didn't goad them into doing. Usually with a defiant maniacal cackle and/or my cock hanging out.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 19, 2010, 12:28:28 PM
Nothing I didn't goad them into doing. Usually with a defiant maniacal cackle and/or my cock hanging out.
They're gonna put you in a cage, Pent, and children will poke you with sticks.
Those children will be scarred for life, Roger, mark my words. Even the adults will have a hard time dealing with the experience. Sure they can contain me but that'll only make me worse. I'm like the Obi Wan of despicable cunthood :evil:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 19, 2010, 01:37:52 PM
Those children will be scarred for life, Roger, mark my words. Even the adults will have a hard time dealing with the experience. Sure they can contain me but that'll only make me worse. I'm like the Obi Wan of despicable cunthood :evil:
:lulz:
I just horked coffee all over my keyboard.
:crankey:
By the way, it is true what P3nT says regarding Tennants lager and some metal tubing.
My own self preservation instincts kicked in before I could even consider emulating it.
Self preservation instincts are the true enemy of Fun with a capital F. Alcohol was given to us by god so as to enable us to ignore these pathetic mewlings. Drink moar ... climb scaffold ... laugh/vomit in the face of death
Maybe next time then, when I've not got my mind on other things. As much, anyway.
Which reminds me, we really need to start planning the next DoD. We got to do this shit earlier than August. Mid June, perhaps.
I vote we go somewhere less populated. People get on my tits and if you fuck yourself up some asshole will probably rescue you, like that fuck that pulled me back from the path of an oncoming bus last time :argh!:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 20, 2010, 09:38:29 AM
I vote we go somewhere less populated. People get on my tits and if you fuck yourself up some asshole will probably rescue you, like that fuck that pulled me back from the path of an oncoming bus last time :argh!:
:argh!:
Bump.
I need another bike.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2010, 03:45:17 AM
Bump.
I need another bike.
A brand new rocket red Ducati. With
scythes.
Note: Doin' it right.
Ed: Doin' it wrong.
Dok,
Is reasonably certain that the critical difference was Elvis.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:08:24 PM
Note: Doin' it right.
Ed: Doin' it wrong.
Dok,
Is reasonably certain that the critical difference was Elvis.
It often is.
I fell a Miss Freeky sighting coming on.... right about..... NOW.
Quote from: Judge Nasty on September 14, 2010, 07:10:02 PM
I fell a Miss Freeky sighting coming on.... right about..... NOW.
Sorry to disapoint, she's not here right now.
Quote from: Judge Nasty on September 14, 2010, 07:10:02 PM
I fell a Miss Freeky sighting coming on.... right about..... NOW.
Why do you do that? Serious question.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Payne on September 14, 2010, 07:09:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:08:24 PM
Note: Doin' it right.
Ed: Doin' it wrong.
Dok,
Is reasonably certain that the critical difference was Elvis.
It often is.
Elvis is almost like Bob Segar, you know?
Nothing bad can happen to you if Bob Segar is on the radio. Only the
right kind of bad shit can happen to you if Elvis is playing.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:36:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Payne on September 14, 2010, 07:09:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:08:24 PM
Note: Doin' it right.
Ed: Doin' it wrong.
Dok,
Is reasonably certain that the critical difference was Elvis.
It often is.
Elvis is almost like Bob Segar, you know?
Nothing bad can happen to you if Bob Segar is on the radio. Only the right kind of bad shit can happen to you if Elvis is playing.
Bad shit you get up and walk away from going "god damn!" ?
Did you get another bike yet?
Quote from: Cudgel on September 14, 2010, 07:37:55 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:36:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Payne on September 14, 2010, 07:09:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2010, 07:08:24 PM
Note: Doin' it right.
Ed: Doin' it wrong.
Dok,
Is reasonably certain that the critical difference was Elvis.
It often is.
Elvis is almost like Bob Segar, you know?
Nothing bad can happen to you if Bob Segar is on the radio. Only the right kind of bad shit can happen to you if Elvis is playing.
Bad shit you get up and walk away from going "god damn!" ?
Yes. Or you accidentally and a hooker shanks you like you owed her money.
Quote from: Charley Brown on September 14, 2010, 07:39:49 PM
Did you get another bike yet?
No, my daughter has forbidden it.
Quote from: Judge Nasty on September 14, 2010, 07:10:02 PM
I fell a Miss Freeky sighting coming on.... right about..... NOW.
Does it count if it's an hour and a half after the fact?
Poor Ed. :sad:
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on September 14, 2010, 08:40:41 PM
Quote from: Judge Nasty on September 14, 2010, 07:10:02 PM
I fell a Miss Freeky sighting coming on.... right about..... NOW.
Does it count if it's an hour and a half after the fact?
Hehe. LUV
I missed this entirely.
That is simultaneously the most frightening and sexy account of a wreck I've ever read...or felt. Jesus, that shit must be like 200x on a bike.
I peed my pance in a haunted house once.
If I had my way, there would be a MASSIVE PD meat'n'beet, and everyone would be armed with a Ducati and a chain.
Last biped biped-ing gets to be the new Good Reverend.
Sweet fuck how did I miss this one?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Payne on August 10, 2011, 05:49:57 PM
If I had my way, there would be a MASSIVE PD meat'n'beet, and everyone would be armed with a Ducati and a chain.
Last biped biped-ing gets to be the new Good Reverend.
Nylon string and a Suzuki. Best I can do.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 07:01:25 PM
Sweet fuck how did I miss this one?
You might have a sausage creature moment of your own, so that's okay.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 10, 2011, 07:06:27 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 07:01:25 PM
Sweet fuck how did I miss this one?
You might have a sausage creature moment of your own, so that's okay.
Probably true. Would be nice to live to write about it.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 08:23:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 10, 2011, 07:06:27 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 07:01:25 PM
Sweet fuck how did I miss this one?
You might have a sausage creature moment of your own, so that's okay.
Probably true. Would be nice to live to write about it.
Wear your fucking gear, then.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 10, 2011, 08:28:39 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 08:23:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 10, 2011, 07:06:27 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on August 10, 2011, 07:01:25 PM
Sweet fuck how did I miss this one?
You might have a sausage creature moment of your own, so that's okay.
Probably true. Would be nice to live to write about it.
Wear your fucking gear, then.
Oh, absolutely.
Every once in a while, I have an urge to buy another motorcycle. Then I read this thread.
Uhhh, yeah.
HEY ROGER, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU ALMOST DIED?
NO, I MEAN THE OTHER TIME. NO, NOT THAT ONE EITHER. THE ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
NO, THE OTHER ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
When people start gibbering about meeting their totem animal or spirit guide i use this as an example.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on March 01, 2013, 05:04:51 AM
Uhhh, yeah.
HEY ROGER, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU ALMOST DIED?
NO, I MEAN THE OTHER TIME. NO, NOT THAT ONE EITHER. THE ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
NO, THE OTHER ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
Well, I DON'T run out and buy one, for exactly that reason. I have stuff to live for, and so I'll just have to learn how to inhale some other way.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 01, 2013, 02:19:05 PM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on March 01, 2013, 05:04:51 AM
Uhhh, yeah.
HEY ROGER, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU ALMOST DIED?
NO, I MEAN THE OTHER TIME. NO, NOT THAT ONE EITHER. THE ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
NO, THE OTHER ONE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.
Well, I DON'T run out and buy one, for exactly that reason. I have stuff to live for, and so I'll just have to learn how to inhale some other way.
It can be a challenge. I still TO THE WALL, it's just that I figured out I'm more likely to survive if I do it with things like school instead of getting in my car and finding the end of the world.