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Seeing as hostile takeover by our future corporate overlords is inevitable, I thought I'd jump the gun and create an introductory pamphlet to life befitting the corporate model. It is meant for infants, and also as a primer for learning to read. Any critique or suggestions for improvement is welcome. Or, if it's complete shit, just poomp in a box and FedEx it to me.
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Hello! Welcome to Life™.
We, The Company™, would like to take this time to help You™ familiarize Yourself™ with Your™ new surroundings and what You™ can expect from Your™ duration.
Initially, You™ will be unable to read this document as Your™ brain has not received the training and mentoring required to read. However, as Your™ parents were trained in a similar fashion, they will use this document as a primer so that You™ will be able to grasp the fundamentals from which all Policy™ is derived.
What follows is a basic outline of what Life™ has to offer. We hope that You™ find it enjoyable and informative.
The World Outside
The world is a big place, and it is easy to lose Your™ way. Fortunately, we have laid down the tracks to provide You™ with a clear path on Your™ journey.
Your™ Domicile:
You™ and Your™ peers have each been provided with living quarters. As of now, You™ live with Your™ parents*1. However, once You™ are fully able to attend to Your™ bodily functions and are ready to become a part of The Workforce, and the Individual™ currently occupying Your™ predetermined domicile is deployed into retirement, you will reside within your fully customizable*2. home-space.
It is replete with: Postural Enhancing Sleeping Nook, Entertainment and Information Portal, Waste Management Equipment, Homeostasis Control (Set for Warm or Tepid, depending on your geographical location.), and more.
Your™ Peers:
We will provide You™ with a group of peers, with whom You™ will share life-experiences, commonalities, character traits*3. and shifts as well as responsibilities within The Workforce.
When in doubt*4. consult Your™ peers first, then fill out an official incident report with Your™ nearest Supervisor.
The Workforce:
The Workforce is more than Your™ contribution to the very society that feeds, clothes, and comforts you. The Workforce provides You™ with something that no other source can offer: Meaning. There is meaning in even the smallest act of focused, productive work. Whether Your™ role within The Workforce is "menial", such as caring for those in retirement, or coveted, such as the role of a Supervisor, You™ will find an abundance of purpose and personal fulfillment in giving Your™ everything to the tasks set before You™.
For more information on The Workforce, please consult Sub-Article K-98 "The Workforce: You Path to Meaning and Purpose."
The World Inside
If You™ are anxious about the chaos and uncertainty of the World Outside, the World Inside will only increase Your™ emotional trepidation.
The World Inside poses a myriad of corners, gaps, and unseen challenges. It is far easier to navigate the World Outside. Emotions, thoughts, concerns, these fly unchecked through the mind into places where Supervisors are (thus far *5) unable to provide evaluation. What is worse, some Individuals™ intentionally keep parts of the mind hidden. We cannot guess as to why a content Individual™ would seek to do so. All we can do is correct the behavior through rehabilitation, or failing that, through punishment to set an example to future Individuals™.
A Final Word:
This is meant to be an introduction to Your™ education of Policy™, the guide and outline to Your™ life. It is not meant to be exhaustive. Once Your™ grasp of this document is complete You™ will move to more a comprehensive education on the nature of Policy™ as it pertains to Your™ life.
We hope that You™ have enjoyed this document, and we look forward to future interactions.
Thank You™ and Have a Nice Day.
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A Note to Parents.
As You™ are intimately familiar with this document You™ will understand what must be done with it. Please do not neglect Your™ responsibility, and ensure that Your™ infant receives the very best from the very start. You™ are urged to read this document to Your™ child as soon as Your™ certified pregnancy is confirmed by shouting it at high volumes whenever Your™ free time allows.
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1. See: Sub-Article C-34 "Permission for the Sharing of a Domicile with a Family or Certified Partner for the Purposes of Furthering the Population."
2. See: Sub-Article J-58 "Customizing Your™ Domicile, Rules, Limits and Guidelines."
3. See: Sub-Article E-21 "Non-compliance with Character Trait Standards and Regulations." as proscribed by Sub Article D-71 "Character Traits, Standards and Regulations: A Guide to Behavior.".
4. See Sub-Article S-36 "Doubt: The Dangers Of."
5. See Sub-Article W-43 "Accessing the Hidden Map of the Human Mind™."
This is awesome.
A little too much ™, though. But this needs to be PDFed, with some snappy pics...I'd go with modern, rather than 1950s, though.
I kinda thought I had overdone the ™.
Where do you think I should definitely have it?
I want to keep it on the "you"s.
:mittens:
Thank you for that!
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 08, 2010, 08:32:43 PM
This is awesome.
A little too much ™, though.
I thought the same, first, but after a second look, it's not that bad. Definitly keep them on the "you"'s.
Holy shit where'd the inspiration for this come from? It is brilliant!
Absolutely brilliant. Still, my plan is to burn the fuckers down as soon as they get elected to office. Well, really as soon as I finish making my napalm.
Definitely too many ™s, and the words you use it with should be capitalized.
I do like it as a sort of reductio ad absurdum, not only of the apparent direction of the Western world's corporate future, but also of the jaded cynicism which pervades the "thinking class".
Edited. I liked the overload of ™ for the absurdity, but don't want it to detract from the rest of the text. Plus, this way it intensifies the meaning with the "you"s.
Thanks for the input.
Could you explain that last line, Nigel? I'm just not getting it.
If read from a certain perspective, it not only lampoons corporate saturation, but also itself. Kind of meta.
Ah. Good then. I'm glad that got through. I rarely have more than a tentative grasp of my point, it's all so nebulous until I get it down, but the more I do it, the more it comes together. This stuff usually stems from some kind of vague feeling. It's really sort of miracle that I can pin it down at all.
NP: A combination of this:
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=24027.0
things I've observed here and there, and I don't know.
:)
This is awesome!
It seems like it would work well as a video.
Anyone know where I can find some free "corporate" images? I'm making a pdf of this a three-fold pamphlet.
I also like the idea of a video and have a few ideas. Lord knows I've seen enough training videos for inspiration.
Microsoft's got free jpegs. Rape and pillage away! http://office.microsoft.com/EN-US/CLIPART/DEFAULT.ASPX?ofcresset=1
(I know, boo, hiss, Microsoft, but shit, it's free, take it)
Those are PERFECT. I found a few on a free stock photo site, but these are much better. Thanks.
:D I'm a big proponent of using what is already out there free and clear.
Bah! Didn't work 'cause I haz a mac. :sad:
I will find a way.
There's got a be an Apple equivalent somewhere, right?
Probably, but all the pictures would be of skinny white guys in turtle necks sipping lattes.
:lol:
I was about to say the same thing but about hipsters wearing skinny jeans drinking frappecinos.
FUCK YOU MY MOM DIED WHILE BEING HIPSTER AND WEARING SKINNY JEANS AND DRINKING FRAPPACCINOS...
(always wanted to do that)
Okey-dokey. Got a .pdf burning a hole in mah pocket. WUTNAO? How do I get it to you all for meticulous dismantling critique and general access?
Nevermind, I got it!
Here you go spags.
http://ifile.it/8f05y2p/HelloWelcometoLife.pdf
Oh my god I think I am going to go make some brochures out of this!!
Ah shit. That first pic was randomly snagged from the internet.
Didn't make sure it was free and clear.
May have to make an adjustment there. Oh well, this was a first run anyhow.
I think it is perfect the way it is, but I suppose we can change the first pic. Could do with a cover .. I printed out a copy but I have no idea how to fold it properly :x
*edit* Oh wait the cover is the right side .. sorry bit slow as usual :)
And uploaded to Scribd, because that's what I do.
http://www.scribd.com/Hello-Welcome-to-Life/d/26649707
Kay. This one is 100% free.
http://ifile.it/tmol9jq/HelloWelcometoLife.odt