You know, Jim, if you don't find some way to secure yourself, you'll drift off like a derelict ship. It's true...The currents are strong, these days, and the rocks are never very far away. They're all covered in the wreckage of those whose anchor lines snapped, and they're so soaked in blood that the beachcombers have forgotten what it smells like.
Of course, there are various ways to secure yourself, which I'd like to briefly detail.
1. Anchors. These are the people and things that keep you steady. Maybe it's your wife or your kids, or maybe it's your job or your studies.
2. Shackles. These are the things that keep you stationary in an undesirable way...the things that hold you back. Maybe they're that friend who drags you down with him, or perhaps a job you hate but can't leave. They still keep you off those rocks, but in a way that make the rocks look more attractive every day.
3. Tethers. These are like anchors, but you are also anchoring them. This may be a friend who helps you, and receives help back, or maybe it's a devoted spouse that sticks with you, and gets back everything they give.
Note that many people or things may be in more than one catagory. Take my case, for example...My daughter is both a shackle and a tether. Her schooling requires that I stay in a city that I loathe, but she also looks after her old man, and of course I'd do anything for her. Maria is both an anchor and a tether, because most of the time, she's holding my head above water, but on the few occasions she's needed me, I've been there. Nurse Mayhem is definitely a tether, because she and I spend an awful lot of time laughing (much of which is directed at a shackle she happens to have).
My problem is that I'm running awfully low on securing devices of all kinds. There's Keelin, Maria, and Nurse Mayhem, and that's currently about it. Three points of contact aren't a whole lot, in fact they're the bare minimum, and you can believe me when I say that no matter how strong you are, you can't find your way without being able to see where you're going. Without those anchors, you'll drift off into places I'd rather not describe...you may do that anyway...I know I have, but I've had those three lifelines to help me find my way back out of the nightmares and paranoia that lurk around in my skull.
I seem to remember having more, once upon a time...a friendship that went sour (the person is still my friend, but more in an acquaintance type of way) because I was a shackle to that person rather than a tether...Other friends that moved away, or died, or said things in a moment of anger that wound you so badly that you can't ever look at them the same way. One major anchor chain snapped the other night, when my great uncle Bill died. I'll be writing a separate piece about him, because he rates it.
Obviously the thing to do is to gain more anchors and tethers. Pick myself up and start rebuilding my life, and maybe spend a bit more time being a tether and a little less time being a shackle.
Well, that went a little longer than I intended, Jim, but time is short, and I wanted to get that out in the open.
Okay for now,
Dok Howl
I wonder if Jim's ever seen "Waterworld". Yeah, cheesy refernce to a cheesy movie, but there's a point. They didn't have beaches, shoals, or anything, just water. They had these "atols", rafts, boats, and anything floating lashed together to keep afloat, kind of like Salazar. Not that we don't have beaches, ledges, rocks, and shoals out here, but I feel like we're a lot like one of those atols sometimes. No solidity anywhere, we just drift. Interconnected, tied off, tethered or chained together (strong to weak, weak to strong).
I try to anchor, when needed. Strainign down, trying to reach bottom, catch in mud, sand, or rocks, I'm not certain if there's anything worth grabbing onto. Traditional hardpoints, church, country, cause, I haven't seen any solid ground, just a lot of tangled human wreckage. I can't tell them, "I have found security here, try it too, it works."
Keep above water, keep things moving, keep the tension on the lines right, hold fast.
Quote from: Richter on February 17, 2010, 04:58:05 PM
Traditional hardpoints, church, country, cause, I haven't seen any solid ground, just a lot of tangled human wreckage. I can't tell them, "I have found security here, try it too, it works."
Those are lies, they're not even shackles. They're ways in which you can speed up your progress toward the rocks.
Who tells us to honor our churches and our countries? Yeah, the people who have a vested interest in us doing so, and
they are not on our side. They want what's best for the bottom line, not what's best for us...elsewise, why would any responsible church outlaw contraception? Remember, kiddies, a spike in donations in 20 years is worth the whole planet in 50 years.
And those who tell us to love our country usually say that when they want us to get maimed or killed for the bottom line of no-bid contractors.
It's all a pack of lies, Richter. All the anchors you need are already around you. Your family, your friends, the people that love you.
:mittens: -- these sound like very useful metaphors you're forging.
Quote from: Cramulus on February 17, 2010, 05:32:51 PM
:mittens: -- these sound like very useful metaphors you're forging.
Thanks. I'm thinking of diagramming the various relationships that can be mapped this way. Obviously, the tether (anchor <---> anchor) is the most desirable, and (shackle <---> shackle) is the least desirable.
And it's important to remember that someone can be one, two, or all three of those things to you, or vice-versa.
Maybe I should move this to TFYS.
You just know some jackass is going to say something like, "Fuck 'em! Batten down the hatches, damn the torpedoes, and full speed ahead! I'm sailing away, set an open course for the Virgin Sea, 'cause I've got to be free... Free to face the life that's ahead of me. On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard. We'll search for tomorrow on every shore, and I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on. Come sail away with me!"
LMNO
- just that kind of jackass. However, there is something to be said for tightening up the jib and finding the north star.
Quote from: LMNO on February 17, 2010, 05:42:05 PM
LMNO
- just that kind of jackass. However, there is something to be said for tightening up the jib and finding the north star.
Not until I get these leaky bilges fixed, and scrape a few tons of barnacles off the hull.
Also, doing exactly what you said is what got me in the state I'm in...of course, that's my fault for not learning how to navigate.
Yeah... You eventually need to find a port, especially when it's Hurricane Season,and you're out of limes.
I was just trying to get all the metaphors out of the way, to avoid the literalists who try to take it too far.
And that Styx reference was clawing to get out.
Back to the OP... Sometimes, I can't tell a Shackle from an Anchor. I fool myself with Free Will and Choice, and convince myself that I want to be tied up here, even though there are rats crawling up the chain, and eating me from the inside out.
Quote from: LMNO on February 17, 2010, 05:56:16 PM
And that Styx reference was clawing to get out.
I can hardly fault a man for wanting to expel Dennis Deyoung (sp?) from his bowels.
Quote from: LMNO on February 17, 2010, 05:56:16 PM
Back to the OP... Sometimes, I can't tell a Shackle from an Anchor.
Most people can't, myself included, except on a case-by-case basis. It occurred to me, however, that if I'm gonna deal with this paranoia business, I should at least lay things out logically.
This really resonated with me, Dok, wonderful writing.
And it's true. Sometimes you can't tell a Shackle from an Anchor, happened to me once, and I didn't find out until it was too late. Took me a good few months to get myself off the rocks, that time. I like to think I keep a safe distance away from them, but occasionally something happens, and I realise how close they are. I realise just how little separates me from the poor souls all washed up, and I grab onto my Anchors a little tighter.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 17, 2010, 05:19:07 PM
Quote from: Richter on February 17, 2010, 04:58:05 PM
Traditional hardpoints, church, country, cause, I haven't seen any solid ground, just a lot of tangled human wreckage. I can't tell them, "I have found security here, try it too, it works."
Those are lies, they're not even shackles. They're ways in which you can speed up your progress toward the rocks.
I know they are the lies Dok.
It comes off in my head like a bad joke though. "Hold onto something!", "WHAT?!", "ANYTHING, Just HOLD ON!".
Doesn't come off like a thing to say, and it's all that makese sense sometimes. One bad old day, I REALLY screwed up, and one (literal) big mother of a wave was about to break over me and two folks who expected me to keep them out of shit like that.
I turned to them and said: "In the words of my forefathers...We are all going to die." That wave hit, we came back to the surface, and all of us being NOT DEAD was the coolest thing ever. Then the Coast Guard came, towed us out, and had a few choice words with me. (Which was fair.)
As a model of interactions, I like it. The possible combinations give it much more flexibility than a dualistic approach, or a straight tripartate model. You could really go further and describe even basic interactions like this, but I think that would be getting overanalytical.
This is a really good one, Dok. It's got me thinking about a few things at least. :) Like...I'm in a country with no family - except my 7 year old son. I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, kicked him out, because I realised he was holding me back - and not in a good way. The boyfriend I had before him was a shackle as well. And the one before him, and on back to my first husband. (Taken me this long to finally learn my lesson) But this time, I have more anchors and tethers than just my son. I have two or three really good friends who are all willing to drop what they're doing just to help me when I need it. And that's such a great feeling. :)
I like this.
And yeah, TFY,S would be a great place for it.
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on February 17, 2010, 07:38:55 PM
I like this.
And yeah, TFY,S would be a great place for it.
Righteo.
9/10. Would read again.
Roger I am very sorry about your uncle.
This is not only some of your most thought provoking work, it also scares the hell out of me.
My kids are my anchors. Everyone else of any importance in my life is long distance. My family are all out of state.
I've noticed the chains on those anchors are getting rusty as they start living their own lives. When they finally break, those rocks, well I have a few years to learn to swim right?
I think we need to secure more tethers in life. A give and take relationship, for me at least works better and lasts longer. With tethers, you can take them with you if you need to sail away for a while. As long as you have a secure anchor, you will make it back.
edited because I can't type on the damn phone....
A good tether is hard for me to find. Not because they aren't always there, but mostly because what looked like it was reciprocal ends up leeching and sucking me dry. I'm a natural leader amongst my people, but I'm also someone that can be counted on when the chips are down and someone needs help.
But I'm not able to find that for myself. The shackles that I thought were mere tethers are now weighing me down. I have freed myself of many of them, and over the years have been careful to keep the anchors steadily holding as well. Despite the fact they tended to drift as the storms have rocked my seas over and over again. I have hull damage, and I leak constantly. But I do have crews actively working on the repairs when they are allowed aboard.
It takes strength to recognize when you need a tether, and when you have to let it go before it shackles you and releases the few anchors you have around you. And it's sad when you notice that after freeing the shackles, you miss them if only for the fact that tethers are not only hard to come by, but the ensuing sheer listless LONELINESS is hard to get a hold of and master.
My recent visit to my dad up north (probably one of if not THE last time, probably, before he's out this Fall) brought this home. I really have so little support, and feel like there's no one sheltering me from these storms. They rock me to and fro, and the ports I'm in are shallow and more apt to lay waste to my stability than to shore me up. I don't feel I have the strength to find another port, though one is probably on the horizon. But there's just so much that I can take without upending and going all Titanic on everyone.
Also, :mittens: to the OP.
Dear Jenne,
Write more. It's good.
Yours,
LMNO
Quote from: LMNO on February 26, 2010, 06:34:03 PM
Dear Jenne,
Write more. It's good.
Yours,
LMNO
Thank you. I should. Soon, maybe. I need to go take a walk outside. BRB after the weekend.
I'm very fortunate to have my kids, who anchor me, and many friends to tether and shelter me. I'm about three weeks away from signing the papers that will free me from my greatest shackle. Sometimes I feel lonely but when I do I try to remember this:
(http://hphotos-snc1.fbcdn.net/hs108.snc1/4799_97120118617_784263617_1946711_7919988_n.jpg)
This is me heartbroken, drunk, and passed out on a friend's couch because the idea of going home to my empty house was unbearable.
That might sound depressing, but I couldn't count how many times I've slept on her couch, because she has always been there for me, and so have my other wonderful friends. So when I feel lonely, I remember this picture and how not alone I am, and how lucky.
Oh fuck yes. I think I was trying a long time back for the "Anchor" idea, but ended up scrubbing it out and writing something else on the txt file with the Anchor brainstorm on it and posted THAT as Anchor instead.
On reading this far more developed idea I had a vision. If I can develop it further, I will.
Nigel, first thing when I saw that photo was "cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!" but that was before I read the heartbroken line so I dunno, yeah, it all adds up to you being lucky and not alone :) good for you :)
Quote from: Triple Zero on February 27, 2010, 10:10:19 PM
Nigel, first thing when I saw that photo was "cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!" but that was before I read the heartbroken line so I dunno, yeah, it all adds up to you being lucky and not alone :) good for you :)
Aw thanks! :) That's what my friend thought too, that's why she took the picture. Also when I woke up all hung-over in the morning she was all "I took a picture of you sleeping and I'm going to post it on the internet!"
Eventually I stopped being heartbroken, but knowing there's always a place for me in their lives even (or especially) when I'm a wreck is very comforting.
Nigel, that picture is adorable. :) Glad it's better now, too.
I really, really like this, Howl. It's definitely making me look at a few things I've been avoiding examining.
You know what sucks? When you're someone's tether, but they're your shackle, and you're still afraid to let go for both your sakes'. I'm thinking I need to let everything go for a while, but I know I might just drown under my own weight. On the other hand, I might learn to swim properly and be able to give back what I get.
I'm finding it hard to tell the shackles from the tethers. If I was the sole occupier of my head I'd have more of a clue. My illness is a shackle, that is one thing I am sure of, with all the treatment I'm not getting it feels like I may drown. The tether stopping my drowning is Payne, but its a long assed length of rope, and as for the reprocicity I hope its mutual. My family might be tethers or shackles, its hard to see clearly with a fractured mind, logic does go a long way to sort through the mess, as roger rightly said. Hope is my only real anchor. I've never been a strong swimmer, my sea legs aren't so steady. I have cut my biggest shackles before and after misplacing my sanity and these have been replaced by new, internal ones. Honesty and trust are my other tethers, and the thing I need most is a map or a view of the stars as my lifeboat is getting kind of cramped.
I've always loved the sea and the coast though, so things could be worst.
Bump.
Holy shit, I need to check out this forum more often if this is the kind of shit that's getting posted here!
An observation - anchors may become shackles. It's not always that clear cut. I had a partner who kept me afloat at one point in my life but who started dragging me down after I got back on my feet. I had to cut her loose or we were both going to get stuck in a bad place.
(desperately trying not to take the piss with these metaphors but it's not so easy)
This was a great fread, I agree.
Great piece.
:mittens:
It occurs to me that this model explains a lot of the tension between me and my stepfather. Ours is pretty much a shackle/shackle relationship.
I still like this.
This really spoke to me, even though I can't completely relate. I really don't feel very grounded to anything except the pursuit of knowledge, and life itself. I love my family, but I don't feel like I can really talk to any of them. I have friends but none of them are at the level where I feel like I can really be myself with them. I generally like people although after being around them I realize they're mostly ignorant, with few exceptions. No job, just school, and school is a shackle that I so desperately want to break free of, I just need to persist and finish. I know there's something next, anchors and tethers will come, but right now I feel completely adrift.
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 07:59:27 PM
This really spoke to me, even though I can't completely relate. I really don't feel very grounded to anything except the pursuit of knowledge, and life itself. I love my family, but I don't feel like I can really talk to any of them. I have friends but none of them are at the level where I feel like I can really be myself with them. I generally like people although after being around them I realize they're mostly ignorant, with few exceptions. No job, just school, and school is a shackle that I so desperately want to break free of, I just need to persist and finish. I know there's something next, anchors and tethers will come, but right now I feel completely adrift.
Keep an eye on those tendencies. They're often red flags that you're willfully blinding yourself to what other people can be offer, often due to an unnoticed bout of narcissism.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on November 16, 2010, 08:05:12 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 07:59:27 PM
This really spoke to me, even though I can't completely relate. I really don't feel very grounded to anything except the pursuit of knowledge, and life itself. I love my family, but I don't feel like I can really talk to any of them. I have friends but none of them are at the level where I feel like I can really be myself with them. I generally like people although after being around them I realize they're mostly ignorant, with few exceptions. No job, just school, and school is a shackle that I so desperately want to break free of, I just need to persist and finish. I know there's something next, anchors and tethers will come, but right now I feel completely adrift.
Keep an eye on those tendencies. They're often red flags that you're willfully blinding yourself to what other people can be offer, often due to an unnoticed bout of narcissism.
I know, but you have to understand that the people I'm referring to as ignorant are mostly the people I go to school with. The wiggers, and potheads, juggalos, so on and so forth.
The friends I have are presumably decent people but it takes a long time/lots of being around the person for me to trust them. I don't have any friends at the moment that have been around long enough for me to feel comfortable with.
You also have to understand that about 6 months ago I got out of rehab, and I've been trying to rebuild a social circle ever since.
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
See that's a much better word for it, except this is the first time I've heard it.
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
There is an awesome dude who looks like a buck-toothed Prince, who just opened a sweet motherfucking store in my neighborhood selling some tight pimp-ass style. On the cheap, too. I love him.
Quote from: Nigel on November 19, 2010, 07:55:37 AM
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
There is an awesome dude who looks like a buck-toothed Prince, who just opened a sweet motherfucking store in my neighborhood selling some tight pimp-ass style. On the cheap, too. I love him.
On the CHEAP, CHEAP? LEMME FIND OUT.
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
I think it has less to do with social class than the degree someone is connected with hip hop culture. If it's superficial, it's painfully obvious.
There's no need to use an implied racial slur when you just want to call someone a phony, IMO.
Quote from: Death on November 19, 2010, 07:58:59 AM
Quote from: Nigel on November 19, 2010, 07:55:37 AM
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
There is an awesome dude who looks like a buck-toothed Prince, who just opened a sweet motherfucking store in my neighborhood selling some tight pimp-ass style. On the cheap, too. I love him.
On the CHEAP, CHEAP? LEMME FIND OUT.
I do not think you live in my neighborhood.
Quote from: Nigel on November 19, 2010, 06:59:46 PM
Quote from: Death on November 19, 2010, 07:58:59 AM
Quote from: Nigel on November 19, 2010, 07:55:37 AM
Quote from: Unqualified on November 17, 2010, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: Death on November 16, 2010, 11:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 16, 2010, 08:34:38 PM
Well, it's a good thing you're better than those...wiggers.
I hate using that term but I don't know another that fits. :/
Suburban gangstas? Subangstas? I mean, you don't have to be white to do what you're talking about, and it's more a matter of middle-class kids pretending like they came from the ghetto than white people trying to be "black". If I wanted to act like I was "black", I'd go all-out blaxploitation like this cat:
(http://monroeanderson.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f195bd8883401053638aed5970c-800wi)
There is an awesome dude who looks like a buck-toothed Prince, who just opened a sweet motherfucking store in my neighborhood selling some tight pimp-ass style. On the cheap, too. I love him.
On the CHEAP, CHEAP? LEMME FIND OUT.
I do not think you live in my neighborhood.
...I was making a ghetto joke.