Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Discordian Recipes => Topic started by: Richter on March 02, 2010, 03:51:36 PM

Title: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Richter on March 02, 2010, 03:51:36 PM
Death Coffee is by no means defunct or passe, but Science! demands we look ever forward and onwards.  Reviewing qualities of various teas from my own imbibing through the years, I'm trying to work up a blend which will seriously kick things up a notch.  Tea in general will never have the kick to ass nature of coffee.  Lower caffeine in the best of times, it's effect is a more subtle wake up over a longer time, and no associated crash.  Here's what I've started with:


Pu-erh tea - Suu dubbed it "Butthash tea" rightly, it tastes like ASS.   There's a mix with strawberry that nixes this flavor enough for anyone (with out the "refined" taste for it) to enjoy.  It works decently at kicking your metabolism up a notch, so they say.

Yerba Mate - The quasi caffeine substitute.  Some sources say it's a caffine analog, some say it's just a different type of caffeine.  Anyways, it works.  Last time I gave up coffee, it was only with a constant supply of this crap. 

Ginseng - Brain booster?  Chinese medicine?  Libido enchancer?  Studies varry, but I've always been OK with the stuff.

The Mad Science goal is to become an energized, high metabolism, high libidioed monstrosity.  Pulsating with veiny lividity at brain and crotch. 

The regular goal = a good energizing cup of tea.

Test Runs

#1:  Mixed three ingredients, brewed, and drank.  Tasted better than many teas, but muddled flavor. Collapsed and napped for many hours, likely due to recent moving / rebuilding a couch and going to an Indian buffet.  Woke up and was sharp into the wee hours of the morning.

#2: Omitted the yerba mate.  Got a much fruitier tea, decent wakeup.

Further trials:
-STRONGER extraction.  I may grind and pack it into the espresso machine.  I may use some of our incredible supply of OLD imported chinese ginseng extract (and risk heavy metal poisoning). 

-Humoring using white rum or strong vodka to make a tincture.  Both takes on the tea came out with a discenable sheen, so there may be an oil worth trying to extract.

- Unmixed ingredient.  These were made to be enjoyable teas, not metabolism / intellect boost.  They've made good tea, but we need EFFECT!


 
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: LMNO on March 02, 2010, 03:57:49 PM
Suggestion: Anti-oxidants.  Get the hard-core energy, and sandblast the crap out of your cells at the same time.

Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Richter on March 02, 2010, 04:14:03 PM
Aha! :)  I'll toss in some green into the mix.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: East Coast Hustle on March 02, 2010, 06:02:13 PM
Yerba Mate should be all you need. If you make a concentrated enough batch of that stuff, it's like the best liquid crack you ever had.

And for the record, it IS a different kind of caffeine, one of only a handful (out of 90+ some-odd types of caffeine) that doesn't act directly on your central nervous system (hence the lack of jitters and no crash).

Also, I'm 100% certain that Pu Erh is actually ground up horse poop that someone was clever enough to sell to pretentious hipster tea snobs for beaucoup loot. Not for ingestion by actual humans.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Jasper on March 02, 2010, 06:17:27 PM
I have additionally found that a tea made from a mixture of fresh ginger and habanero is moste invigoratinge.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 02, 2010, 06:24:03 PM
Camellia Sinensis also contains theophylline, another type of stimulant. On top of that, it contains theanine, a relaxant. It's sort of like Nature's little speedball.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 06:26:40 PM
I will be abstaining from this experiment, Richter, as tea is an abomination in mine eyes.

I will, however, follow any developments that may occur, for the gratification of the crumpet-suckers in my Cabal.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: East Coast Hustle on March 02, 2010, 06:47:00 PM
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 02, 2010, 06:17:27 PM
I have additionally found that a tea made from a mixture of fresh ginger and habanero is moste invigoratinge.

that sounds good. I infuse fresh ginger and west indian lemongrass into all of my tea water, and it's fucking AWESOME.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 08:31:07 PM
I think I can provide some independent results.

By the by, I've tried variations on things like this in the past. One of the best went like this:

Take a cup of day-old coffee. Take a bag of green tea, a bag of roobios tea, and a bag of ginger tea, and stick them in a large mug. Smother them with honey, and add a pinch of salt. Then, pour the cold coffee into the mug, and microwave the whole thing for three minutes. Mix with half a can of red bull. Serve.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Reginald Ret on March 02, 2010, 09:00:09 PM
guarana tea.
will try to OD on it soon.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 09:20:02 PM
Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:21:47 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:20:02 PM
Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 09:26:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:21:47 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:20:02 PM
Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.

You don't, no. You're too busy vomiting, eating hamburger rolls, convulsing, and trying to take a shit while surpressing the urge to run around in circles and bang your head against the wall.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:29:08 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:26:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:21:47 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:20:02 PM
Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.

You don't, no. You're too busy vomiting, eating hamburger rolls, convulsing, and trying to take a shit while surpressing the urge to run around in circles and bang your head against the wall.

See, I get all of that, PLUS I get to enjoy a nice cup of joe.

And by "nice" I mean "tastes like Courtney Love's pap smear".
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Triple Zero on March 02, 2010, 09:34:56 PM
Quote from: Regret on March 02, 2010, 09:00:09 PM
guarana tea.
will try to OD on it soon.

You can buy guarana pills at Kruidvat, btw. At least, they did 5 years ago. Only sure effect I remember is that they did keep me awake, I could not sleep.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 09:37:13 PM
You could dissolve the fifteen 150mg tablets in warm water mixed with burnt cardboard and peanut butter. Similar experience, aside from the difference in thickness.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:38:53 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:37:13 PM
You could dissolve the fifteen 150mg tablets in warm water mixed with burnt cardboard and peanut butter. Similar experience, aside from the difference in thickness.

Not the same.

Hey...you aren't one of those European coffee-haters, are you?
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 09:40:59 PM
No. I'm one of the american coffee haters ;-). I prefer my caffeine from sugary taurine-rich vitamin sludge, thanks.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:44:27 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:40:59 PM
No. I'm one of the american coffee haters

Oxymoron.

Coffee IS America.  It's FREEDOM, it's A WORLD-SPANNING EMPIRE OF AWAKEY GOODNESS.  It's a fast car and a blow job from Marilyn Monroe Manson.  It's Saturday night.  It's bowling with your bad boy shoes on, and a quick back hand to the pimple-faced squat behind the counter if he doesn't like it.

There is no coffee outside of America1, and there is no America without coffee.

THIS IS ACTUAL SCIENCE.  DO NOT QUESTION IT.


1Except Columbia and Peru, but they're very small.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on March 02, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
Central america doesn't count as america?

I was thinking of france and italy, both of which are known for their coffee. Coffee played a big role in france's history.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 09:48:44 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
Central america doesn't count as america?

NO.  It is a small place, and they have small possessions.  We, on the other hand, are VERY LARGE, and we have REALLY BIG STUFF.  I fail to see the difficulty in distinguishing this.

Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on March 02, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
I was thinking of france and italy, both of which are known for their coffee. Coffee played a big role in france's history.

There is no coffee in Europe.  Just frou-frou abominations of the glorious coffee bean.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Triple Zero on March 02, 2010, 10:16:23 PM
I will make you coffee, if you ever happen to visit here, and then we'll see if you perhaps like to get back to that statement.

As far as I've heard, there is no actual coffee in America, my old flatmate was advised to bring his own when he was sent out there for a job.

So whoever crosses that sea first, has to try the coffee and we'll get down to it. You'd do that anyway because of the jetlag.

And if the difference is that big, at least one of us will be pleasantly surprised :)
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2010, 10:18:53 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on March 02, 2010, 10:16:23 PM
I will make you coffee, if you ever happen to visit here, and then we'll see if you perhaps like to get back to that statement.

As far as I've heard, there is no actual coffee in America, my old flatmate was advised to bring his own when he was sent out there for a job.

So whoever crosses that sea first, has to try the coffee and we'll get down to it. You'd do that anyway because of the jetlag.

And if the difference is that big, at least one of us will be pleasantly surprised :)

Let me check with Admiral Akbar on that one.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 02, 2010, 11:23:55 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on March 02, 2010, 10:16:23 PM
As far as I've heard, there is no actual coffee in America, my old flatmate was advised to bring his own when he was sent out there for a job.

Here in the Pacific NW, them's fightin' words, mister.

Maybe your friend visited Missouri or some other state where the only "coffee" they have is Folgers, but in my part of the country if it's not the finest beans in the world fresh-roasted this morning and ground immediately prior to brewing, somebody gets bitch-slapped and has to clean the toilet with their tongue. There is a micro-roastery on every sixth block for people too lazy to roast their own.

This part of the country identifies itself with its coffee. To the rest of the country we give Starbucks, as punishment for not being as awesome as we are. D/N/T.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 02, 2010, 11:25:24 PM
Plus, I am pretty sure my state is bigger than the EU. Don't lump us in with all those other states, please; I don't even know who those people are, and I don't think they speak the same language.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Jasper on March 03, 2010, 01:00:25 AM
Could a P-towner please point me at a place that sells reasonable coffee at broke student prices?
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Rumckle on March 03, 2010, 05:33:18 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on March 02, 2010, 10:16:23 PM

As far as I've heard, there is no actual coffee in America, my old flatmate was advised to bring his own when he was sent out there for a job.


I can back this up (with the exception of PDX I didn't try coffee there, but I'll take Nigel's word on it, as Oregon has some of the best beer I've tasted in the US).
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: East Coast Hustle on March 03, 2010, 07:55:34 AM
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 03, 2010, 01:00:25 AM
Could a P-towner please point me at a place that sells reasonable coffee at broke student prices?

good luck. This place considers itself some sort of coffee mecca, but they don't even have Dunkin Donuts.
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Triple Zero on March 03, 2010, 08:03:13 AM
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on March 02, 2010, 11:25:24 PM
Plus, I am pretty sure my state is bigger than the EU.

I was busy looking that up before I realized you were kidding :$
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 04, 2010, 05:26:48 AM
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 03, 2010, 01:00:25 AM
Could a P-towner please point me at a place that sells reasonable coffee at broke student prices?

Beans or brew?
Title: Re: Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 04, 2010, 05:27:04 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on March 03, 2010, 08:03:13 AM
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on March 02, 2010, 11:25:24 PM
Plus, I am pretty sure my state is bigger than the EU.

I was busy looking that up before I realized you were kidding :$

Hee hee!