(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a95/discordman/bin/ride-the-snake.gif)
Hi Pee Dee. I've been noticing something recently, and because we're such good friends, I think I should bring it up. I mean, if I had something disgusting stuck in my teeth, I'd hope you'd be a good friend and let me know about it. So I want to tell you something and I'm not going to sugar coat it.
You're not the same board I used to know. You've changed, and it's a bad change.
Those changes include weight gain, recklessness, promiscuity, waking up in weird places, getting beat up and arrested. You also have a weird look on your face that reminds me of those zombie drug addicts you used to see in the vacant lot on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. Those people end up dead in the weeds.
I love you and I want to see you get back on track. This is hard for me to say, and it's going to be hard for both of us, but it's time to quit the 'stache. Your facial hair is getting out of control. It's not just affecting not your life, it's affecting all of us. You're not the same person when you're wearing a moustache, you become a mad with power. You get this look in your eyes, this insane fever, and it scares me.
We've had some good times. Everybody loves a stache now and then. It's a cheap ride. But it's getting out of control.
But I'm here for you. I'm going to help you get over this. Together, we can overcome the 'stache abuse. You're going to need a straight edge razor, and then this can be done. Do you remember what it used to be like? What it was like to have a clean shaven face?
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a95/discordman/bin/DSC00550.jpg)(http://images.victoryrecords.com/products/VP081-C.jpg)
stand with me!
be strong!
overcome!
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!
MAYBE IT'S YOU WHO HAS A PROBLEM, HUH?
I CAN SHAVE ANY TIME I WANT TO.
BRB, GOTTA GET MORE 'STACHE.
I'm sorry professor, but you've created a monster.
This epidemic of 'stache isn't going to cease just because you asked it to, even if you were the person who made it cool. It is out of control professor, and the ride and going to stop any time soon.
I'm sure you remember the days, back when the 'stache wasn't your life. Back when it was all about the lulz. Back when you were the original evangelical discordian. Back in the times of ballpipeTM.
But life moves on. 'Stache is the way of the future. Much like RageTM was the future three years ago.
'Stache is the future Professor Cramulus.
You have professed it and we have listened.
Now where are those fucking diabetics?
Hi, I'm Dok Howl, and I'm a 'stache addict. I've been clean for 4 years.
I lost everything because of 'stache. My house, my family, my job...I even shaved my dog to death, just for that extra bit of fur...I don't even want to talk about my crazy glue bills, which plague me to this day.
But thanks to the Professor Cramulus' program, I am utterly bald from the neck up, and I'm rebuilding my life, one day at a time. Sure, I have to live in a box out behind his house and sew garments all day, but isn't that (and the occasion trip to the airport to sell pamphlets) a small price to pay for deliverance from the nightmarish existence I had been dwelling in for all those years?
One day at a time. One day at a time. I'm NOT crying.
Oh, is this an intervention.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you all voer the sound of how AWESOME my Stache looks.
Aren't you all fucking precious, sitting around my coffee table, all SERIOUS like. How'd you get into my fucking house anyways? Is it supposed to eb touchign or soemthing, that you've all coem together to glower at me like this?
Are you all threatening me? What are you going to do, hold me down and waxe my 'stache off against my will? I'll grow back to it, and you can't stop that. You know what I was BEFORE 'stache? Before BEARD? Jawless, weak looking, baby faced round. Not anymore. I've got this god- given hair barrier between myself and the world.
Could I be strong without BEARD or 'stache? No. I'm fine with my furry symbiote, my chin - tribble of mightyness. Together with my balls, I cannot be stopped.
Oh cute, you're going to bar the door now? force me to choose between hurting my friends or lsitening to them? Fucking emotional terroroists. You can't handle even BEING near my stache, jealous pricks. I'll show you though. I'll show you ALL. I'll STACHE my way out through the fuckign sheetrock jsut like TH.......
Hello, I'm Iptuous, and i'm a 'stache addict, too.
i'm just about to get my one year chip.
but.....
i keep some 'stache in a box.
it's in my computer room.
it's old and kinda falling apart. pretty gross, actually.
but i can't get rid of it. i just can't....
one time, i pulled it out of the box and held it in my hands and stared at it for a while.... a little bit of the wax in it got washed away from me crying on it.
i almost broke.
but just as i was lifting up to put it under my nose, an hand caught my arm. startled, i turned around to see my loving wife. the pleading look in her face sank my heart like a torpedo. the 'stache fell to the floor as i sobbed on her shoulder. Thank god for her...
i still have it. even after that i can't get rid of the last bit of 'stache....
someday, maybe i'll be strong enough to make that jump. until then, i'm glad i have you guys, and my wonderful wife to support me in my moments of weakness....
thanks.
I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check. I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 03, 2010, 06:41:05 PM
I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check. I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.
if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?
Quote from: Cramulus on March 03, 2010, 06:54:52 PM
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 03, 2010, 06:41:05 PM
I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check. I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.
if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?
JUST ONE MORE RIDE
What was that? You're jealous of my bitchin' porn stache? Yeah, I don't blame you. It truly is a magnificent lipmane. I'm gonna stache till the day I die.
AtD,
Knows his problem isn't a problem at all.
Quote from: Cramulus on March 03, 2010, 06:54:52 PM
Quote from: Sigmatic on March 03, 2010, 06:41:05 PM
I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check. I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.
if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?
Because...then I would have to grow a new one. The one I'm working on is so sweet man, sometimes it curls around my lips when I smile, the effect is pretty hilarious but I was starting to accidentally eat the ends so I trimmed it a bit, but it'll be back.
...Wait, were we talking about something else? Man I love my 'stache.
You know, I am going to come right out and say it.
I love 'stache. I love it and I can't get enough of it and I don't want to change.
Some people might look down on me for it, say I'm immoral or weak or without virtue, but a day without the dream - yea, even the dream - of burrowing under some hot 'stache action like a tiny owl hooting her mating call is a day not worth being alive for.
I keep 'stache wax on my desk, and sometimes I sniff it. Just for a fix.
Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.
Quote from: LMNO on March 03, 2010, 07:42:09 PM
Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.
:lulz:
I actually used to hoot the mating call of the burrowing owl when I went in to kiss Mario.
It sounds like this:
http://www.owlpages.com/owls.php?genus=Athene&species=cunicularia
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on March 03, 2010, 07:55:16 PM
Quote from: LMNO on March 03, 2010, 07:42:09 PM
Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.
:lulz:
I actually used to hoot the mating call of the burrowing owl when I went in to kiss Mario.
It sounds like this:
http://www.owlpages.com/sounds/Athene-cunicularia-2.mp3
That's hilariously adorable... :lulz:
The fact that he put up with it is admirable.
I'm playing it safe right now. I've kept my stache use under control, limited myself to just gristle and the beginnings of a goatee. I might even get a tiny stache, just a tiny one, just to know what if feels like. Nothing wrong with that right?
It's not like I won't be able to handle it. I'm sixteen, I'm tough, I can handle a little stache without going crazy. Definitely. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not shaking! I'm not! I'm just a little bit, uh, anxious. I'm okay, don't worry. You know what? I'm going to go into the bathroom and uh...take my temperature. Yeah. Might be suffering a cold. It's that season.
What? No! I'm not going to look at my facial hair! Not going to stare raptly at the fine silken fuzz only a couple weeks from being a full grown devil goatee. Definitely not. Don't...don't get between and the door. Please? I need to take my...temperature. Really. Get out of my way, I need it.
I SAID GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY! Oh...shit. Uh...are you alright? Cram? Cram? Oh, your bleeding a bit there. Let me just take my temperature, and I'll go call some help. Ya, just don't move. I'll be right back.
The team in the R&D labs have discovered some disturbing intel.
Did you know that crimes commited were 80% more likely to be peformed by those who are WEARING a Stache? Also Stache related deaths have jumped up in the past 10 years by 458%
You never know when it can happen to you .. You might find your Stache enjoys tormenting its host, and those that the host loves in strange and cruel ways. Staches have been known to infect others VIA rashs and the "Prickle Effect" as our Doctor Cramulus has stated, it only takes a small infection before it begins to spread.
The team from the R&D Labs kindly ask that you shave, or brutal force will be ensured.
Locate your nearest Medical Centre for treatment.
We thank you very much for heading this warning.
As a reminder - this is what happens on Stache overdose. Ask yourself - Do YOU want to be one of these people?
(http://img97.imageshack.us/img97/8286/everyhair.jpg)
(http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/8336/hypertrichosisfajardoac.jpg)
This may be the wrong place to ask this...but..
Do any of you know where I can score some stache?
I've been trying to get in on some of that action because, man, it's just so fucking COOL.
I've been looking around for years now and just can't seem to get my hands on any. Or at least, it never seems like what I do get is not enough for the full effect.
I feel all lame inside and shit.
An old bit of Canadian political humour I wrote in 2008, exposing the insidious danger of STACHE:
QuoteJack Layton's Mustache: A Threat to National Security
By [Remington]
December 6th, 2008
It's an exciting time to be a Canadian. Why, you ask? Well, for the benefit of those who've had their head under a rock for the last couple months (and for the Americans too), I'll explain. The last few weeks have seen a delightful amount of underhanded politics from the wonderful little building we call Parliament. It started about a month ago, when the new Conservative government introduced a financial budget that was somewhat vague on plans for stimulating the economy to help us through the economic recession. The Opposition didn't like that too much, and the three opposition parties formed into a coalition and announced their intention to bring down the Conservative government. Fine, that's their thing. They're the Opposition, they're supposed to oppose.
But here's where things get hairy. Along with the announcement to bring down the government, the "Coalition" announced their intention to take over as the government after the Conservatives fall. Without an election.
The question that immediately sprung to everyone's mind when they heard this was: Can they do that? And the answer is not reassuring: Nobody's really sure. In nearly 140 years of Canadian politics, no-one's ever tried a stunt like this before.
The imminent collapse of the Conservative government was postponed due to the shutdown of Parliament by the Governor General, so we've all got six or seven weeks to stew about it until Parliament resumes in January. That means writing letters to our MPs (politely), arguing amongst ourselves (somewhat less politely), and getting into flamewars on online political forums (not at all politely). But I can't help but think we're ignoring one of the most important potential outcomes of this whole issue.
If this coalition government goes ahead, then we will have three leaders: Stephane Dion, Jack Layton, and Gilles Duceppe.
(http://img31.imageshack.us/img31/958/14955005.png)
Notice something? Look closer.
Still don't see it? Well, then I'll have to show you.
Three of the most influential dictators of the 20th Century:
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/3607/16893283.png)
Here we have three famous rulers: Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Saddam Hussein. They have many things in common. Both Hitler and Hussein overthrew the democratically elected governments of their time, and all three established themselves as dictators.
However, these three men have something else in common, something they share with NDP leader Jack Layton. What is it?
A mustache.
True, Hitler's mustache looked like he had glued a piece of carpet to his upper lip, but it was a mustache nonetheless.
If history has taught us anything, it's that mustachioed men are not to be trusted with power. I'm sure Jack Layton has the best of intentions, but the power of the mustache is insidious. Perhaps it's the way the mustache tickles their nose when they talk. It might be the elegant and sophisticated look the mustache adds to their face. Maybe it's the feeling of pride they get when lesser, non-mustachioed men gaze in wonder upon the splendor of their upper lip. Whatever it is, there's something about a mustache that causes a man to set himself up as a dictator and rule over his country with an iron fist.
So when the time comes and January rolls around, protest. Say no to a coalition government. Not because of the economy or the ideology, but because of the mustache. Don't let the power of Jack Layton's 'stache corrupt him and turn him into a crazy dictator. Because if there's anything worse than a crazy, power mad dictator, it's a crazy, power mad NDP dictator. With a mustache.
TL;DR: A STACHE'D DICTATOR ALMOST OVERTHREW CANADA in 2008. THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS.
Quote from: Cramulus on March 03, 2010, 02:41:12 PM
Everybody loves a stache now and then. It's a cheap ride.
Maybe mustache rides are cheap where
you live.
I must be doin' it wrong...I been waxing my 'stache since '95
Quote from: Jenne on March 03, 2010, 09:24:55 PM
I must be doin' it wrong...I been waxing my 'stache since '95
Madame, you're doing this nation a great service.
Dr Remington, there is a search warrant for you. You've been declared as a Stache-Abuser suspect. We ask you kindly to walk out with your hands in the air as the we search your living accomodations for further evidence. If you fail to comply brutal force will be ensured.
Thank you very much.
Just try it.
/
(http://top10kid.com/wp-content/uploads/beard9.jpg)
\
I fucking dare you.
Dear Remington,
We have taken the liberty of removing your Stache on your behalf. We hope you may enjoy your new Stacheless face. You will find that in 10 - 12 days your new Model will remain smooth.
The Stache put up a big fight, so we had to graft missing Skin from your upper lip.
Please leave feedback on our service, as we aim to please.
If there are any complaints or sudden death related illnesses please contact our Hotline at 127.0.0.1.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Annoynmous,
we were never here.
(http://img697.imageshack.us/img697/6481/remington.png)
Look, I don't know why people are all up on the 'stache as if it's a problem all of a sudden. I didn't do the 'stache for a long time. I mean, my dad's been on the 'stache for 30 years or more, that's what I grew up with and sure, he seemed fine but it's not what I wanted from my life. But I tried it, you know, like how everyone tries it - I got lazy for a while, maybe depressed and I didn't shave for a bit and bam! there was the 'stache. And to be honest, it changed my life.
It's a total mind expanding experience the 'stache - it makes you think of things that never would have come to you without it. Your horizons are broadened right from the go. And some say it's a never ending cycle -that you just want more and more 'stache. And it's true, I want nothing but more 'stache but what's wrong with that, I ask you?
It's something I enjoy, it's something I do, and I honestly feel bad for the people who are too closed minded to give the 'stache a try.
FUCK MAN I KNOW YOU MAN
DUDE
YOU KEEP US FROM THE TRUTH I KNOW MAN
I SAW IT ON STACHE
FUCK
STACHE WILL GIVE US THE ANSWER MAN
TO ENLIGHTEN THE MULTIVERSE
THE MULTIVERSE MAN
MANKIND HAS BEEN REPRESSED
THE NEW AGE OF LIGHT AND TECHNOLOGY IS JUST BEYOND THE BRINK OF THE REVOLUTION
THE REVOLUTION
THE REVOLUTION OF THE STACHE
THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE EPILATED
YOU
YOU
"PROFESSOR" CRAMULUS
PROFESSOR "CRAMULUS" (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL TITLE)
"PROFESSOR CRAMULUS"
ARE A
(http://img714.imageshack.us/img714/6773/cramreptilehitlerstache.jpg)
REPTILE MUSTACHE NAZI
Quote from: Alty on March 03, 2010, 09:16:23 PM
This may be the wrong place to ask this...but..
Do any of you know where I can score some stache?
I've been trying to get in on some of that action because, man, it's just so fucking COOL.
I've been looking around for years now and just can't seem to get my hands on any. Or at least, it never seems like what I do get is not enough for the full effect.
I feel all lame inside and shit.
Dear Concerned User,
We may shed some light on this FAQ. The team at the R&D Lab have been passing around a genetically mutated Gene for some time now which inhibits Stache growth - statistics show that atleast 75% of the worlds population has this gene - exponentially growing with each generation.
Due to recent revelations, we now accept users to send in application forms to the ASC - if they wish to obtain a licence to grow a Stache. Successful applications will recieve a licence and instructions on how to activate the Stache gene in a controlled environment, as we have successfully removed the protein strain that causes Criminal and unhealthy thoughts. A application form will be fowarded upon completion.
We thank you for your concern
Annoymnous,
we were never here.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but this thread has a bad 'stachemousphere.
:richter: :genius: :mullet: :judge: :objection: :jihaad: :ohnotache: :cramstipated: :damnright:
I admit it.
I'm a human, and I suffer from human vices. I'm not made of steel.
I had a weak night last night.
Anybody need a hit?
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/Cramthedoortodoormoustachesalesm-1.jpg)
(art by fred)
(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/8429/dontmesswithmefuckers.jpg)
DON'T MESS WITH ME FUCKERS
I WILL DO IT!
I SWEAR
UNLESS! MY DEMAND OF HOT PANTS IS MET.
Quote from: NotPublished on March 06, 2010, 11:06:04 AM
(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/8429/dontmesswithmefuckers.jpg)
DON'T MESS WITH ME FUCKERS
I WILL DO IT!
I SWEAR
UNLESS! MY DEMAND OF HOT PANTS IS MET.
YOU
ARE
TERRIFYING!
OH YAY MY MOUSTACHE DEALER :D and i made that before all these addicts showed up too :eek: i saw the future guise
Quote from: Fredamir Putin on March 06, 2010, 04:24:43 PM
OH YAY MY MOUSTACHE DEALER :D and i made that before all these addicts showed up too :eek: i saw the future guise
You are a VISIONARY!
mmmmmmMMmmmM, 'stache, can't get enough of it. :lulz:
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on March 06, 2010, 03:50:19 PM
Quote from: NotPublished on March 06, 2010, 11:06:04 AM
DON'T MESS WITH ME FUCKERS
I WILL DO IT!
I SWEAR
UNLESS! MY DEMAND OF HOT PANTS IS MET.
YOU
ARE
TERRIFYING!
A TERRORIST DOES AS A TERRORIST IS.
(thats some sick art there Fred!)
I hope this teachers you guys a lesson.
(http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs472.ash1/25876_10150101462035246_507730245_11339561_5916826_n.jpg)
I am a cold-hearted killer.
Aww what a bad angle!
(http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r129/cluelessgirl314/stachetamarin.jpg)
The "Just Say No To Stache (http://www.actionext.com/names_t/the_vandals_lyrics/power_mustache.html)" anthem.
You have a problem, but I'm here to help, guys.
Shaved my beard yesterday.
I CAN FEEL MY FACE OH GOD.
Kept a sort-of-stache though.
NO I WON'T POST PICS.
(http://www.cord.edu/dept/sports/sportsbackup/highimage/flann_derek_02_hr.jpg)
Return to the way of the 'stache & Flann Derek will forgive you.
My pattern is to grow my beard for several months, then go completely clean shaven out of nowhere, then immediately begin growing a beard again because I realize how uncomfortable being barefaced is.
(http://epicwinftw.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129139121084556503.jpg)
Cmon ladies... You know you want to ride the Bustache 8)
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
for the record, I'm about a week and a half in on my "real" moustache
it is fucking awful
I'll try to post a pic before I shave the fucker off tonight
Quote from: Cramulus on April 06, 2010, 03:03:00 PM
for the record, I'm about a week and a half in on my "real" moustache
it is fucking awful
I'll try to post a pic before I shave the fucker off tonight
Suffer through it, Cram, after the miserable chafing discomfort period it's totally worth it.
I tried making a soul patch for the past few weeks but it sucked and then I got rid of it.
CRAM FELL OFF THE WAGON! :x
All the itching and time spent looking like an idiot pays off when you've got just enough 'stache to twirl around with your fingers while wearing a villainous grin.
Sig, do you have twirlable stache now?
also, LMNO: status update, prease!
Suu took a pic at the Boston meat up. Perhaps she can post.
Quote from: Iptuous on June 13, 2010, 10:21:44 PM
Sig, do you have twirlable stache now?
also, LMNO: status update, prease!
BAAARELY.
It's like, I can pinch it and twist the ends together.
Which I have to do all the time because they come apart so much. Gotta get some better quality wax that doesn't feel like spackle after it dries.
Quote from: Cramulus on April 06, 2010, 03:03:00 PM
for the record, I'm about a week and a half in on my "real" moustache
it is fucking awful
I'll try to post a pic before I shave the fucker off tonight
:fap: :fap: :fap:
Quote from: Sigmatic on June 14, 2010, 12:54:19 AM
Quote from: Iptuous on June 13, 2010, 10:21:44 PM
Sig, do you have twirlable stache now?
also, LMNO: status update, prease!
BAAARELY.
It's like, I can pinch it and twist the ends together.
Which I have to do all the time because they come apart so much. Gotta get some better quality wax that doesn't feel like spackle after it dries.
Sig, Nigel suggested these guys (http://oregonwildhair.com/) to me, and I've found them to be quite good, and affordable.
Quote from: Nigel on June 14, 2010, 10:15:06 AM
Quote from: Cramulus on April 06, 2010, 03:03:00 PM
for the record, I'm about a week and a half in on my "real" moustache
it is fucking awful
I'll try to post a pic before I shave the fucker off tonight
:fap: :fap: :fap:
I couldn't post those pics, they weren't "real" enough.
That moustache was so far from "real" that one drawn on with a sharpie may have been more convincing
sadly I am doomed to have an embarrassing naked face
Facial hair growth tends to accelerate around midlife, I wouldn't be surprised if at 35 your whole head exploded with hair.
Quote from: LMNO on June 14, 2010, 01:23:03 PM
Quote from: Sigmatic on June 14, 2010, 12:54:19 AM
Quote from: Iptuous on June 13, 2010, 10:21:44 PM
Sig, do you have twirlable stache now?
also, LMNO: status update, prease!
BAAARELY.
It's like, I can pinch it and twist the ends together.
Which I have to do all the time because they come apart so much. Gotta get some better quality wax that doesn't feel like spackle after it dries.
Sig, Nigel suggested these guys (http://oregonwildhair.com/) to me, and I've found them to be quite good, and affordable.
Awesome! I'll give 'em a try!
Man, that means I'm going to be trimming a lot more often if that happens.
RWHN,
turning the big 3-5 this year.
I ordered this and all I got was a lousy fish
(http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/5517/moustachen.jpg) (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/magritte.jpg)