*this is a whiny attempt at getting something out...sorry, just flushing my mechanism...
IF I WANT TO GO OUT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, then you should stfu and just accept it.
Your attempts at emotional blackmail are ineffectual. Wanna know why? Because as a mother, you fail. You have continued to fail for almost my whole adult life. And even your small triumphs and victories at eeking out just a smidgeon of the maternal are just so pathetic as to be not worth mentioning.
So he is supposed to call? So what? I'm over it. You've kept the man from having any sort of intimacy with his 3 kids and 6 grandkids, whether you set out to do so or not. That's the end result: we know he calls for YOU, and you alone, even when you're not here to receive the call. It's inevitably about you or for you he's calling. Even if it's nominally about his mother, who was dying.
And he calls you EVERY FUCKING WEEK. Twice. Three times. He even writes you once a day, sometimes more. While his 6 grandkids don't know him except for a common shared history from when they were but babies, and the younger ones don't know him outside of the bars and chains anyway. This may come as a shock, but we no longer look forward to his phone calls anymore. It's a chopped up conversation full of "THIS CALL IS BEING MADE AT A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY AND IS BEING MONITORED" every 30 seconds or so. REALLY confuses the flow of the conversation.
Put together with the fact that he's deaf, and he's really only calling so he can make sure we take better care of you, it's a tough thing to sell.
I want to go out. I need to go out. My husband's gone this week doing "God's work," and took my littlest with him. It's just me and my kiddo, and he might be gone to a friend's house. Leaving me alone on my birthday, the worst of all days of the year for me, was a bad call, but it is what it is, and I know he didn't mean to do it. But it's the day before my dad was arrested, and celebrating my birthday is sort of a personal dare, since that is what we were all doing the night we last saw him as a free man.
I shouldn't have to explain these things. I shouldn't be made to feel BAD because I want to go out instead of staying here, even if it means we'll skip the phone call, that you'd usurp, standing there wringing your hands and shifting your feet so you can talk talk to him at "your turn," which ends up being the whole 10 minutes he's on the phone. Even though there are children who haven't talked to him in more than a year, and grandkids who haven't seen him since longer, you will step in and take over, as if you didn't just have a conjugal with him two weeks ago. Or speak to him three days ago.
If you wanted things your way, you shouldn't have said, "But this is the last time I might be able to talk to him--I don't know when the next time will be!" Because in that light, I say, "Welcome to MY life, Mother!" I have no guarantee, I have no set time, I have no set path for me and my father to tread upon. Whereas you, the anti-mom, will always really and truly have a plan and a path. Well-trod and well-placed for your eager feet.
I'm not going to go into the fact that I have had to take on your role the last 6 years, as mentor, as counselor, as a warm place to land when anyone, including yourself, needed it. I'm not going to say that I have yet to find that for myself, though both of those things are so very equally true and figure into why I won't do this for you. For though it's a smallish thing, it means a lot. I feel this irrational displacement and anger when I contemplate NOT having my way here. I start to lose my shit in a way a grown woman shouldn't. I feel like I'm 10 years old when I say this, but IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, AND IF I WANT TO GO OUT, I'LL GO OUT. On your birthday, you got to go to Disneyland. On my birthday, I work so that I can help my brother make a down payment on another inadequate living space since his current landlord is kicking him out so they can take possession again. Believe me when I say that if going out to dinner is beyond your ken, then no one needs you there.
Sorry, but that's that.
Try being more of a "mom" and less of a pain in the ass next time, and perhaps I'll see something akin to reason...
Wow. Kick them in the jimmy, Jenne!
Thanks, I feel 10 years old, but goddammit, now my birthday is ruint.
Sigh.
Happy Birthday, Jenne. :)
Thanks, EoC...it's on Wednesday, but I'll take it! I know a lot of people my age don't celebrate getting old, but I've seen all to recently how short life is and can be...so thank you! I'm glad to be getting old and decrepit (even if my mirror is my current enemy...). :D
Quote from: Jenne on June 29, 2010, 02:15:50 AM
Thanks, I feel 10 years old, but goddammit, now my birthday is ruint.
Sigh.
You really have to do something about this, birthday girl.
Could start a fire, always cheers me up.
Seriously, though... Sorry to hear that, hope you get to feeling better.
HABBY BIRFDAY JENNE DONT LET THEM FUCK IT UP OH NOOOOO! :sad:
Happy birthday! Whatever joy you find today, you well deserve it!
Thanks, Guys...I hope this blows over. I'm at MURDERDEATHKILLRAGE stage at this point, but a timely phone call from Dok Howl put things back into perspective.
I'm better now. :)
I'd STILL like to kill a motherfucker, but I can at least see through the red to my target now.
Quote from: Jenne on June 29, 2010, 03:16:49 AM
Thanks, Guys...I hope this blows over. I'm at MURDERDEATHKILLRAGE stage at this point, but a timely phone call from Dok Howl put things back into perspective.
I'm better now. :)
I'd STILL like to kill a motherfucker, but I can at least see through the red to my target now.
:cheers:
I think we all know you look great, not any of this "decrepit" business.
I hope you manage to squeeze a surprising amount of fun out of your birthday in spite of the bullshit.
*smiles* Thanks, Net! :D
Felicitations!
You totally deserve to relax and enjoy yourself. Pain-in-the-ass family members don't have the right to ruin your birthday!
Happy birthday, Jenne. <hugs>
Glad you're feeling better. I'm feeling better since I got a couple beers in me, I'd like to say I did so in celebration of your birthday, but that would be a load of bullshit... Still, I don't really know any of you guys, but the little bit of reading I've done today, and the idea that this is a Discordian forum, makes me feel slightly closer to ya'll, and generates an almost instant monkeysphere promotion in my mind for everyone I meet here. Try not to be too hard on your mom... I know you're angry, and that I don't know the details, and you likely see her as a mega-bitch, but I hate my mom too... I also care about her a lot. It confuses me, but every now and then I empathize...
It hurts to kill bugs and spiders these days. God, I almost cried when I killed that abominable camel spider I saw yesterday. I could almost hear it screaming
"Why me?! What did I ever do to you?!"...
What's next, am I going to have to be a vegetarian...? Sorry, I like meat too much, but I freaking hate spiders, and now they're hurting me emotionally every time I kill them. I used to be the person people went to to kill freakish bugs and spiders... Now I'm just a husk of my former self. Compassion is eroding my apathy, and I am losing my grip on myself as I used to know him. Stupid conscience, stupid empathy, stupid pain. Urg.
God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...
Excellent rant Jenne! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Happy Birthday!!
lol, wut? (@ fujikoma)
Listen, my angst against my mom is that she was a pretty decent creature up until the point I realized she was "doin' it wrong." When I became a maternal unit, I realized that my number one priority is my kids. Sometimes, that means putting them first, me second. And my mom doesn't have that capacity, and probably never did, only was forced to by circumstances when we were dirtass poor.
She lived a rich woman's life most of my adulthood, and when my dad was arrested, she had to, for the first time in her 49 years of life (this was 6 years ago) get a fucking job. She was 49 and had never, ever had a job, had only h.s. diploma, almost zilch work experience. And I helped her through that, and she villainized me and my husband for it. Because the man who kept her that way (my dad) liked having a subserviant for a wife and couldn't imagine his "child bride" as he called her (they got married at 17) would have to actually WORK like every other adult for her bread and a roof over her head.
So fast forward 6 years, and I have no "mother." I have a woman who bore me, who is nominally a grandmother to my children and my brothers' children, but is emotionally unavailable except to criticize, belittle and jesercise. Case in point when my husband was dying in '07:
"Mom, H's in the hospital, looks like it's really serious, and we are not sure of the prognosis at this point. He can't make blood anymore."
"ORLY? Maybe this is a good time for him to think about where he's gonna go after he dies and get right with the Lord. You should tell him that."
<deep breath>
"Yeah, Mom, I won't be saying anything like that to him. Ever. Gotta GO."
<seethe seethe seethe>
That's how my mom parents. How she has always parented. There's a lot of good things about her as a person, don't get me wrong. But as a source of the maternal, especially vis a vis my dad's incarceration, where it's ALL ABOUT HER, yeah, she's a total and complete failure. There's more, but I don't hate her, I just think she's a waste when it comes to the position she holds in my life and my brothers' lives.
Quote from: Khara on June 29, 2010, 02:18:37 PM
Excellent rant Jenne! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Happy Birthday!!
Aw, thanks, Khara! :D
Quote from: Fujikoma on June 29, 2010, 09:12:27 AM
God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...
Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 29, 2010, 03:15:55 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on June 29, 2010, 09:12:27 AM
God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...
Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?
Perhaps he misunderstood the title of the thread as an invitation for rants in general.
Happy Birthday, Jenne! Sorry to hear all of this, hope you have a fun time regardless. Sounds like you could use it.
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on June 29, 2010, 03:26:44 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 29, 2010, 03:15:55 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on June 29, 2010, 09:12:27 AM
God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...
Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?
Perhaps he misunderstood the title of the thread as an invitation for rants in general.
Happy Birthday, Jenne! Sorry to hear all of this, hope you have a fun time regardless. Sounds like you could use it.
Thanks, Nevvie Twiddleton!
And Rog, I was sorta wondering the same thing, though it sounded like s/he was drunk posting.
Well, I hope you get out and have yourself a happy birthday tomorrow!
Thanks, RWHN, will be doin' just that, regardless. :D
Happy early birthday. :)
Sorry, yes, that was inconsiderate of me...
The title of the post was a little misleading. Happy birthday again. Hope you're feeling better now.
That's a pretty miserable situation to have to deal with, Jenne. Enjoy the shit out of your birthday; you clearly need it.
This is the sort of thing that reminds me of how incredibly lucky I am to have the parents I do. If I can be as good as either of them are at being a human being (and, perhaps in the future, a parent), I'll consider myself a success.
Thanks, Guys...sorta zombified by my work schedule, but am looking forward to being out and about after work.
lol :D
For you Jenne: DAY
Yep, a Capital day to you.
:lol: Thank you. I love that. My very own Birthday Pun!
What can I say, I'm a giver. :D
So..got my dinner out. Guess what my mom gave me as a present? (tbh, w/some other cool shit)?
A BOOK ON OVERACHIEVERS... :lulz:
So, asshattery totally runs in the fam...