"Don't tell Jason," I overheard the tiny voice on the phone say. "He might be jealous."
And I was.
It's completely wrong and possibly even a bit childish for me to feel that way about another person's good fortune, but my heart has grown so, so bitter lately (and not just from knitting!)
It's just... very hard to hear that someone is getting what they want out of life while meanwhile you're stuck in an abnormal unhealthy family that's been threatened by poverty for a good few months. And that you're very scared, and lonely, and frustrated that whatever you try you just can't seem to Get It Right. Maybe I lack the ambition to haul myself out of this mess and into the world. Maybe what my dad said was right, that I am lazy. And maybe my brother's right, that I'm weak and delicate and could never last.
I remember mentioning on here that my family was never abusive. But I was wrong, I now know that it was an emotionally abusive environment. When I finally saw how other, normal adults lived, it was strange and amazing at the same time: they had friends, they listened to music, they went and did things together, they seemed to love each other. There was a void in place of those things throughout my childhood, affection was sucked in along with them.
Now I'm old enough, I know I need to work towards independence, to work towards my own life that I can fill with joy. How will I possibly get there?
I've gotta be brave.
That was embarrassingly gooey, but I just had to get it out of my system.
Quote from: Nast on July 09, 2010, 07:37:43 AM
That was embarrassingly gooey, but I just had to get it out of my system.
And a preemptive :lmnuendo:, you freaks.
It's good to clear the mechanism, Nast. And family troubles are one of the main stumbling blocks in the scheme of "getting your shit together."
I'm curious though: 1) is your name really Jason and 2) what weren't you supposed to be told?
:argh!: I feel your pain, Nast.
I have found bitterness to be an ally, though. I use it to look through any time I'm dealing with my parents, which sometimes skews my perspective, I'll admit, but it's useful for filtering out the bullshit and keep the hurtful things from sticking too much.
Keep in mind that you can be in control whenever you want and you don't know anything unless you try it. Don't listen to them, they're only trying to keep you weak! Set a goal for yourself, then plan it out. Use babysteps, it's better than taking too big a bite and getting disheartened when you choke. And keep up your good spirits by keeping good friends close. :)
Quote from: Jenne on July 09, 2010, 01:24:33 PM
It's good to clear the mechanism, Nast. And family troubles are one of the main stumbling blocks in the scheme of "getting your shit together."
I'm curious though: 1) is your name really Jason and 2) what weren't you supposed to be told?
1) It is!
2) Well, that a family friend's kid to who I am compared to has spirited off to a foreign country and is now supporting himself there at the tender age of 18. It sounds silly, but the reason feel jealous is because that people assumed I would be jealous. Like, the implication is that my own life is so unfulfilling that I couldn't feel any other way about it.
SEFFD
Satisfaction Empowers Freedom From Discontent.
I feel you though. Personally I just kind revel in that almost powerless feeling of it all.
Hope your doing well.
Have you ever heard of the crystal ball effect, Nast? It was a way of thinking about the Cold War. As long as there was peace, everything would keep going, albeit with the ambient tension and tangible threat of instant thermonuclear annihilation. The moment this wasn't the case, things wee likely to end so hard and fast for such an overwhelming majority of people that it would be almost impossible to fret over, or experience the loss.
Your situation, and the horrible specter of if you can "make it" or not is similar. (An aside, anyone who ever claims you'll never "make it", is often incapable of defining exactly what "it" is, or describing how it should be reelvant to you.) You will. Just keep focused, keep working, and be willing to live spare and spartan and you'll be able to keep things rolling. Square the important survival stuff first, and encourage anyone else in on your housing / survival scheme to do the same. It's about lifting yourself up, not just scrapping by.
If you don't, well then that's that. You're dead, done, and no one's tormenting you or casting you into eternal shame because you couldn't make it. You're just another refugee dropped on the side of the highway. As easy as it is to get dropped, it can also be awfully hard unless you let it happen.
Quote from: Nast on July 09, 2010, 06:31:35 PM
Quote from: Jenne on July 09, 2010, 01:24:33 PM
It's good to clear the mechanism, Nast. And family troubles are one of the main stumbling blocks in the scheme of "getting your shit together."
I'm curious though: 1) is your name really Jason and 2) what weren't you supposed to be told?
1) It is!
2) Well, that a family friend's kid to who I am compared to has spirited off to a foreign country and is now supporting himself there at the tender age of 18. It sounds silly, but the reason feel jealous is because that people assumed I would be jealous. Like, the implication is that my own life is so unfulfilling that I couldn't feel any other way about it.
Thanks for answering my nosey questions... :D
Well, I have a feeling that if you wanted to, you could get to Yurp and support yourself there. If you wanted to. ;)
Quote from: Richter on July 09, 2010, 08:18:37 PM
If you don't, well then that's that. You're dead, done, and no one's tormenting you or casting you into eternal shame because you couldn't make it. You're just another refugee dropped on the side of the highway. As easy as it is to get dropped, it can also be awfully hard unless you let it happen.
What?
Quote from: Triple Zero on July 09, 2010, 11:17:49 PM
Quote from: Richter on July 09, 2010, 08:18:37 PM
If you don't, well then that's that. You're dead, done, and no one's tormenting you or casting you into eternal shame because you couldn't make it. You're just another refugee dropped on the side of the highway. As easy as it is to get dropped, it can also be awfully hard unless you let it happen.
What?
Yeah, looking back that really came off as a downer. Let me see if I can elaborate
Throughout school / university, post graduation, life, job, and success at it, seemed to take on an almost iconic manifestation and reverence. Would we be able to "make it in the real world"? You'd hear about this at the "welcome to our school / university" ceremonies, graduations, and generally every time a fellow student, professor, or teacher, felt like otherwise setting themselves above anyone else, as if this "Real world" was a one shot, make it or not affair. (Much like what Nast's hearing, from his own report.)
Some ways, it is. You can die. You can die any number of ways. That's that, ride's over, and it doesn't make much difference to you at that point if you "made it" or not.
In some ways, it isn't. You can loose jobs, financial security, housing and food. You can take steps at any point along this route, even when homeless and broke, to survive and get things going again. Not like anyone ever comes to take you away to the zoo of those who "Couldn't make it in real life", where you're put on shameful display for the rest of your natural life. Harsh as it comes off, I've always found this comforting, that there's usually something you can do to, and if not, at least it's beyond the worrying.
Aahhh, now I get what you mean:
If you didn't make it, you can always try again, and have another go at "it" (preferably having redefined or gotten a better idea of "it").
Unless you're dead. In which case it doesn't matter that much anymore.
I wish I had your brevity a day ago.
Quote from: Triple Zero on July 10, 2010, 10:28:33 PM
Aahhh, now I get what you mean:
If you didn't make it, you can always try again, and have another go at "it" (preferably having redefined or gotten a better idea of "it").
Unless you're dead. In which case it doesn't matter that much anymore.
Ah, I gotcha.
I'm probably making things more difficult for myself than they should be. If I just keep myself going, keep working, maybe one day I'll find my own little pocket of like and can expand it.
Freeky, you're totally right. It's about baby steps. I'm happy about the little things I've achieved, but it's still got a long way to go. Especially now in my financeless state.
See, my family isn't crazy in the usual way. No one is a drug addict, or performs back street abortions or anything like that. But there are moments when it shows that all the bitterness and tension has messed up people's heads so much, it's clear that I have to GTFO before it consumes me. For example, my mom has mentioned that she's afraid that one day my dad will snap and shoot us in our sleep. "Well you know, I don't want to scare you," she said, "It's just that he's that type."
:horrormirth:
Quote from: Nast on July 11, 2010, 05:53:36 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on July 10, 2010, 10:28:33 PM
Aahhh, now I get what you mean:
If you didn't make it, you can always try again, and have another go at "it" (preferably having redefined or gotten a better idea of "it").
Unless you're dead. In which case it doesn't matter that much anymore.
Ah, I gotcha.
I'm probably making things more difficult for myself than they should be. If I just keep myself going, keep working, maybe one day I'll find my own little pocket of like and can expand it.
Freeky, you're totally right. It's about baby steps. I'm happy about the little things I've achieved, but it's still got a long way to go. Especially now in my financeless state.
See, my family isn't crazy in the usual way. No one is a drug addict, or performs back street abortions or anything like that. But there are moments when it shows that all the bitterness and tension has messed up people's heads so much, it's clear that I have to GTFO before it consumes me. For example, my mom has mentioned that she's afraid that one day my dad will snap and shoot us in our sleep. "Well you know, I don't want to scare you," she said, "It's just that he's that type."
:horrormirth:
:sad:
Well, then, Nast, it's really time to go, Babe. :(
Nast, having come from a less than perfect family I would say turn your back on the whole mess. Forward is in the opposite direction.