All creative works are copyright under United State laws. Usage of my works in whole or part may be prosecuted.
Bear in mind I am some what embarrassed by this morass of words.
This here is the beginning of a story I wrote in 2007 while bored in AIT at Ft Lee, learning how to look stuff up in a regulation was just so taxing... It is no where near completion, partly due to me not knowing where I was going with it in the first place. I am sharing this in hope that with some sort of feedback I will be motivated to complete this.
A lone figure stands. Heavily shrouded, the only indications of life are the white plume of his breath and the slow rise and fall of its shoulders. The wind screams through the narrow canyon, tearing at the figure's wrappings. Next to him, driven into the ground, is an enormous black sword, taller than he and just as broad. Behind him stretches a narrow and rickety rope bridge over a mist filled chasm.
**********************************************************************
A quartet of horsemen robed and cowled against the bitter icy cold, ride swiftly through the narrow canyon. Coming around a sharp the lead horse rears up, sliding to a halt on the loose snow and gravel. The other three horsemen skillfully bringing their horses to a stop, laugh loudly as the lead rider curses loudly and reins his horse in.
"Is Your Highness alright?" bellows the largest of the riders in mirth at the young rider's antics.
"Yes, mayhap we should have brought along a pony, an old one, too docile to startle a youngster," joins in the tallest of the riders.
Walking his horse back to the rest of the riders, the Prince speaks,"I am quite naturally alright Lord Raerth, merely displaying some horsemanship far beyond your ken." He pulls back his cowl and gives an impishly young smirk to Lord Raerth. "And as for..."
Mid-sentence a deep booming voice that seems to come from the very earth, echoing all around them, speaks out," None shall pass," accompanied by the horses neighing and a low grinding noise, like the sound of steel being drug along stone.
The quartet struggle to get their horses under control, while drawing their weapons, the Lord Raerth unsheathed a sizable longsword, followed closely by the tall rider, Master Shiceld, drawing forth a many headed flail.
"Who dares to deny His Highness, the Prince of Lothland, and his servants?" demands the Prince as he gets his horse under control, again, and unsheathes his with a light steely ring.
"I do." The quartet all turn around and see the shrouded figure, who until now had been beyond notice, hefting his massive blade and resting it on his shoulder. "Only strongest in arms may best me and pass through." The prince pales and nearly drops his at the sight of the massive swords and his equally massive sword. In the brief silence the sharp twanging of a bow fills the air as a handful of arrows thunk deeply into the man's torso, stopping his advance
"Well done Sir Bleys!" exclaims the Prince, as the other two men cheer.
Their cheers are cut short by sounds of the arrow shafts being snapped in half. "None. Shall. Pass," spoke the swordsman as he swings at the Princes head. Lord Raerth barely stopped the mighty blow, his sword chiming loudly with the impact. Suddenly the swordsman whirls his blade around, cutting through the many chains of Master Shiceld's flail as if they were just twine, sending the spiked weights flying wide. Without missing a beat he cleaves Master Shiceld from shoulder to hip. "Such underhanded tactics shall avail you not."
Seeing their companion cut down prompts the Prince and Lord Raerth to charge in with a flurry of arrows from Sir Bley's bow. Moving much faster than seemed possible, the swordsman knocks aside both the Prince's and Lord Raerth's blades as he is peppered with the heavy shafts of Sir Bleys' with no apparent effect.
Sir Bleys, taking what appears to him to be a prime opportunity, drops his bow and draws his sword while spurring his horse to charge the swordsman. Sadly for him, the swordsman moved much quicker and cut down Sir Bleys' horse, hurling him to the ground. Shaking his head to clear the starbursts from his eyes he barely had enough time to bring his sword up to futilely defend against the swordsman's attack. With a mighty ringing the swordman's massive sword shatters Sir Bleys' sword, cleaving through his head and the stone beneath it.
"None shall pass," he states, pulling the blade free from the stone and shattered remains of Sir Bleys' skull, spraying gore and rock chips through the air to spatter on the grounds and no longer virgin white snow.
oh?
E: Bah. This used to just be a string of "%%%%%%%". Now I look like an asshole.
I had something posted, but I took it down after I openly declared war on Dok Howl.
What on earth for?
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:00:40 AM
What on earth for?
taking it down or declaring war on DH?
He was acting in a manner that if he were anyone else I would have done the same. It just......snowballed....badly. I have lost all credibility. -sniff-
Derishous Drama
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 03:54:05 AM
I had something posted, but I took it down after I openly declared war on Dok Howl.
How silly of you.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:09:08 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 03:54:05 AM
I had something posted, but I took it down after I openly declared war on Dok Howl.
How silly of you.
Why hello. Fancy meeting you here, in this....
thread...
on a..
forum...
you...
moderate...
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:03:03 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:00:40 AM
What on earth for?
taking it down or declaring war on DH?
He was acting in a manner that if he were anyone else I would have done the same. It just......snowballed....badly. I have lost all credibility. -sniff-
Credibility isn't all it's cracked up to be. Incredibilty is much moar
credible attainable. (And easier to hold onto)
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:13:16 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:09:08 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 03:54:05 AM
I had something posted, but I took it down after I openly declared war on Dok Howl.
How silly of you.
Why hello. Fancy meeting you here, in this....thread...on a..forum...you...moderate...
Yeah, I'm well known for using mod powers to win arguments.
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:14:17 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:03:03 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:00:40 AM
What on earth for?
taking it down or declaring war on DH?
He was acting in a manner that if he were anyone else I would have done the same. It just......snowballed....badly. I have lost all credibility. -sniff-
Credibility isn't all it's cracked up to be. Incredibilty is much moar credible attainable. (And easier to hold onto)
Unless you're a Wiccan. Then credulity is the easiest.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:15:36 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:14:17 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:03:03 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:00:40 AM
What on earth for?
taking it down or declaring war on DH?
He was acting in a manner that if he were anyone else I would have done the same. It just......snowballed....badly. I have lost all credibility. -sniff-
Credibility isn't all it's cracked up to be. Incredibilty is much moar credible attainable. (And easier to hold onto)
Unless you're a Wiccan. Then credulity is the easiest.
Blessed be.
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:14:17 AM
Credibility isn't all it's cracked up to be. Incredibilty is much moar credible attainable. (And easier to hold onto)
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:15:02 AM
Yeah, I'm well known for using mod powers to win arguments.
You are C_A's alt aren't you? ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:16:45 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:15:36 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:14:17 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:03:03 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:00:40 AM
What on earth for?
taking it down or declaring war on DH?
He was acting in a manner that if he were anyone else I would have done the same. It just......snowballed....badly. I have lost all credibility. -sniff-
Credibility isn't all it's cracked up to be. Incredibilty is much moar credible attainable. (And easier to hold onto)
Unless you're a Wiccan. Then credulity is the easiest.
Blessed be.
Praise Morrigan and pass the athame.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
You are C_A's alt aren't you? ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!
I've said so many times, right on TCC. The bastard denies it, but what can you expect?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
You are C_A's alt aren't you? ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!
I've said so many times, right on TCC. The bastard denies it, but what can you expect?
I guess we all died a little in that damned war!
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
Cant you two stop fighting and realize that you love each other?
:jabroni:
I must have missed something intersting....
Quote from: Kingderp on August 24, 2010, 04:21:43 AM
Cant you two stop fighting and realize that you love each other?
Impossible, he hides our love. He denies it.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on August 24, 2010, 04:21:50 AM
:jabroni:
I must have missed something intersting....
Not really. Today, someone I thought was smart decided to be dumb.
You can see that sort of shit anywhere you like.
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:20:44 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
You are C_A's alt aren't you? ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!
I've said so many times, right on TCC. The bastard denies it, but what can you expect?
I guess we all died a little in that damned war!
Not me. 4F.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
:popcorn:
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:26:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
This can end only one way
:a2m:
Quote from: Kingderp on August 24, 2010, 04:30:36 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:26:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
This can end only one way
:a2m:
If you insist, bend over.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:30:02 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
I'm interested. The original has to be more interesting than a load of percent signs. I don't know what went down between you and Dok, but I'll just say in the interim that for most every time I've seen Dok in a row with someone, they deserved it. And when they didn't Dok apologized shortly after.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:30:02 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
Yes, I wouldn't mind. Especially if it sheds some light on how things got to here.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:30:02 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
Im much more interested in what you wrote than your little lovers quarrel.
What I had originally posted here has nothing to do with me being a dick to Dok Howl.
ETA
See the OP.
It's by no means my preferred genre or writing style but IMO it was well-written for what it was. It seems like if you scratched that little bit and started over with an outline first it would turn out well.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:40:08 AM
What I had originally posted here has nothing to do with me being a dick to Dok Howl.
ETA
See the OP.
THen why did you take it down and bring up you and Dok having problems, if it was not relevant to the thread?
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:40:08 AM
What I had originally posted here has nothing to do with me being a dick to Dok Howl.
ETA
See the OP.
Were all quite aware of that, now please post what you originally posted.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on August 24, 2010, 04:46:15 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:40:08 AM
What I had originally posted here has nothing to do with me being a dick to Dok Howl.
ETA
See the OP.
THen why did you take it down and bring up you and Dok having problems, if it was not relevant to the thread?
No clue. Probably because I felt that with several people now convinced I am totally without merit they wouldn't even bother looking at it. This was one of my attempts making a non-negative contribution to PD.
Quote from: Kingderp on August 24, 2010, 04:48:54 AM
Were all quite aware of that, now please post what you originally posted.
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=26198.msg915611#msg915611
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:49:21 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on August 24, 2010, 04:46:15 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:40:08 AM
What I had originally posted here has nothing to do with me being a dick to Dok Howl.
ETA
See the OP.
THen why did you take it down and bring up you and Dok having problems, if it was not relevant to the thread?
No clue. Probably because I felt that with several people now convinced I am totally without merit they wouldn't even bother looking at it. This was one of my attempts making a non-negative contribution to PD.
It definitely left me wanting more. But if you wanted to bring non-negative content to PD, then you shouldn't have made this thread about Dok. Again, don't know what I missed, but really, making this about what ever is between you and him is going to overshadow anything of merit that you contribute. Just my two cents.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:26:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
The bane of my existence is that I make people do bad things. See what I
made you do, for example?
On the plus side, nobody else has to take responsibility for anything, ever.
Puts me in mind of Moorcock. Whom I still dig out and re-re- read now and again, and thoroughly enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srZY3y0o6Q8&feature=related
The frustrating thing is, I have no idea what I wanted to do with it when I first wrote it. I know it was just meant to be an intro. I'll probably be ripping it apart and making an outline of what I want this story to be.
Thanks for the idea StoreBrand.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on August 24, 2010, 04:36:12 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:30:02 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
I'm interested. The original has to be more interesting than a load of percent signs. I don't know what went down between you and Dok, but I'll just say in the interim that for most every time I've seen Dok in a row with someone, they deserved it. And when they didn't Dok apologized shortly after.
I have an image to maintain, here. :crankey:
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:56:50 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on August 24, 2010, 04:36:12 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:30:02 AM
Quote from: BadBeast on August 24, 2010, 04:28:29 AM
:popcorn:
Don't do that, it makes them angry.
And was anyone actually interested in reading the drivel I had originally posted, or shall this rather sad battle continue?
I'm interested. The original has to be more interesting than a load of percent signs. I don't know what went down between you and Dok, but I'll just say in the interim that for most every time I've seen Dok in a row with someone, they deserved it. And when they didn't Dok apologized shortly after.
I have an image to maintain, here. :crankey:
Ok, I'll point out then that the one time I can think of is when you got mad at Hawk over a misunderstanding.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:55:26 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:26:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
The bane of my existence is that I make people do bad things. See what I made you do, for example?
On the plus side, nobody else has to take responsibility for anything, ever.
I guess I am still using retardedly passive language. I thought I had made it clear I was owning up to be an ass to you. I am sorry for being a childish ass.
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:59:23 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:55:26 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:26:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:23:18 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:21:29 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2010, 04:18:48 AM
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 24, 2010, 04:16:50 AM
I stopped caring about being credible within the first few pages of my intro to PD.
I really didn't have you pegged for a negative attention junkie. Heh. See? Even I'm wrong, sometimes.
Is this where I post my long explanation on art being effective even if it pisses you off in a vain attempt to justify liking to be an ass?
*shrug*
Whatever turns you on.
That was it actually. Not much to it, as it is a poor justification for something that doesn't need to be justified.
Also, fuck you. I was getting ready to be nice and apolgize and now I want to be stupid again.
Fucking mindlazers.
The bane of my existence is that I make people do bad things. See what I made you do, for example?
On the plus side, nobody else has to take responsibility for anything, ever.
I guess I am still using retardedly passive language. I thought I had made it clear I was owning up to be an ass to you. I am sorry for being a childish ass.
Okay. And I'm sorry for being an overreacting fuckbat.
I didn't read it all the way through, but here's what I think. A lot of it is (IMO) way too wordy, though maybe that's your style, if you ask me for my opinion, it's not one I enjoy reading :) Do you happen to speak/write German? They do that shit three times as much in that language, check the opening for Hesse's "Narciss und Goldmund", 1 sentence, 1/2 page, just to describe something about a tree in front of a monastery :)
There's a lot of sequences of multiple adjectives, which slow reading, and can often be prevented by careful picking of words, or just leaving them out because quite a few don't even add to the atmosphere. Anyway, I'll highlight a few of the bits to show what I mean. Keep in mind I'm not a good writer myself, and not all of the examples are bad by themselves, but the cumulative effect stood out to me:
Quote from: Lunar Wolf of the Cow Moon 13 on August 23, 2010, 05:14:30 PM
A lone figure stands. Heavily shrouded, the only indications of life are the white plume of his breath and the slow rise and fall of its shoulders. The wind screams through the narrow canyon, tearing at the figure's wrappings. Next to him, driven into the ground, is an enormous black sword, taller than he and just as broad [?? just as broad as what? him? wouldn't that make it more like a sharp metal wall? Having trouble imagining this despite of all the adjectives, maybe use some similes for variety?]. Behind him stretches a narrow and rickety rope bridge over a mist filled chasm.
**********************************************************************
A quartet of horsemen robed and cowled against the bitter icy cold, ride swiftly through the narrow canyon [you already mentioned its narrowness in the previous paragraph. unless its name is "Narrow Canyon", there's no need to point it out again, except comical redundant ironic redundancy, in jest]. Coming around a sharp the lead horse rears up, sliding to a halt on the loose snow and gravel. The other three horsemen skillfully bringing their horses to a stop, laugh loudly as the lead rider curses loudly and reins his horse in.
"Is Your Highness alright?" bellows the largest of the riders in mirth at the young rider's antics [he doesn't just comment at the young rider, he bellows, and he does it in mirth ... on itself that's okay but you've done this every sentence now].
"Yes, mayhap we should have brought along a pony, an old one, too docile to startle a youngster," joins in the tallest of the riders. [okay, now we have a "largest rider", a "tallest rider" and a "youngest rider"--you might want to find a bit more distinctive features to tell them apart, because this is going to be a puzzle, especially since "large" and "tall" are somewhat similar in meaning]
Walking his horse back to the rest of the riders, the Prince speaks,"I am quite naturally alright Lord Raerth, merely displaying some horsemanship far beyond your ken." He pulls back his cowl and gives an impishly young smirk to Lord Raerth. "And as for..."
Mid-sentence a deep booming voice that seems to come from the very earth, echoing all around them, speaks out," None shall pass," accompanied by the horses neighing and a low grinding noise, like the sound of steel being drug along stone. [wow. apart from "None shall pass", this paragraph is 90% adjective and one simile. it's impressive, but there's a lot of redundantly redundant redundancy. like "deep" and "from the earth", or "booming" and "echoing"]
---
And that's where I stopped reading. Try cutting 75% of the crud and make every word count for maximum impact. That doesn't mean it's got to be terse, but you use a lot of simple and/or common words, where just a few fancy ones might achieve the same effect, except more powerfully, because the effect is contained in less words.
See the thing is, these words like "echoing booming" aren't quite synonymous, but they're the sort of sequence of adjectives I'd use in speaking language, when I'm trying to describe a distinct sensation, but can't quite come up with the one perfect word to describe it right at that moment. But in writing you don't have that excuse. If I spoke, "echoing, booming, sort of rumbling, like it came from the earth, except it also had this grinding noise,"--notice that if I had
also added "deep" and "like stone over metal" people would have probably interrupted me with "dude, we get the point." ;-)
Otherwise, it's not my kind of fantasy setting :) Sorry if I may sound harsh about it, I'm trying to make it constructive criticism, hope that works. Also I understand there are certain fantasy writers that actually do use this style of writing and apparently some folk like that sort of thing, so maybe it's also partly my personal tastes.
Would you / could you have started this piece with the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night ..." (http://www.google.com/search?q=it+was+a+dark+and+stormy+night) without cracking as much as a [impish, mischievous, young] smirk?
Thank you Trip for the very detailed critique.
1. I realized I was using an excessive amount of adjectives, that is partly a stylistic thing, partly me have very little practice at creative writing.
2. The sword is intentionally described as excessively large. I should probably have someone mention that in the story.
3. The narrow canyon had me all screwed up. There is supposed to be a pass the riders come through before they meet the big scary guy, and there is another canyon behind the big scary guy with the bridge crossing it.
4. Excessive use of other words to describe how people are talking? Not sure what you are commenting on, unless it's just the same overuse of descriptive language.
5. I know.
6. This was intentional. But it's effect might have been lessened by all the other adjectives being flung around.
Again thanks for the critique.
Some thoughts from a fellow writer:
Redundancy is too redundant. You tend to be extremely repetitive. Example: "...the swordman's [sic] massive sword shatters Sir Bleys' sword". The word sword appears three times in a string of seven words; that is two times too many, especially when it is already established that both characters are using swords at this point. Suggested revision: "the figure's massive weapon shatters that of Sir Bleys", or something similar. Generally speaking, it is a good idea to avoid using the same noun more than once in a single sentence.
Descriptions are...? You like to use adjectives, but aside from the Prince being young, (young how? 10 or younger? mid-teens? early twenties? 37 which happens to be young compared to his 60+ year old companions?), and Lord Raerth being large (from the fact the prince addresses him in response to the question), and Master Shiceld being tall, We really have no idea what any of these people look like. Even when the prince pulsl back his cowl, we don't get a description of his face.
Improper use of adverbs and adjectives. The phrase "impishly young" has no business existing anywhere. "Impish" already implies a degree of mischief and youth. It is also wise to avoid using adverbs that end in "-ly", unless it can't be avoided, and even then it probably should be. Cut down on adjectives. Seriously, it makes you look like your writing erotic fan fiction and getting a little too excited at the prospect of seeing a favorite character naked.
Commas, have both proper, and improper places, in sentences. Please, learn them.
Spelling and general grammar errors should be corrected. Even when I read through outdated drafts of stories I've altered considerably since the writing, I tend to correct these. Never know when I might want to lift a line or two from it for use in a later draft or a different work entirely, for that matter.
Aside from that, it was a nice read on the surface. I haven't read it as thoroughly as I should, but I will read it over more closely when I get some time, and maybe I will have more comments.
Some of those commas are in there because grammar check was pissing me off. :argh!: :argh!:
Thanks for some extra pointers.
I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.
I almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.
Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.
Quote from: Secret Level on August 28, 2010, 09:48:10 AM
I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.
Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.
QuoteI almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.
Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.
Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.
Quote from: curiosity on August 28, 2010, 12:51:20 PM
Quote from: Secret Level on August 28, 2010, 09:48:10 AM
I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.
Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.
But it might end up being tearfully dull. Who wants to read a series of episodic stories that all about poor smucks that try to cross this bridge and get butally hacked apart. Might make great fodder for a series of flash videos, but not much anything people would want to read.
Quote
QuoteI almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.
Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.
Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.
But I don't like the Prince for some reason. Well I don't like the idea of the Prince., but then again he has no purpose, or personality so..ya.
I have decided to make this story about the Prince, who now has a name btw, Garwit. I've decided to make it semi-episodic in nature. Every episode will involve the Prince encountering some obstacle that must be overcome, but while they would simple to overcome become complicated due to the Prince or a member of his party behaving in a non-knightly fashion. Between major conflicts there will be mini-stories told about the fallen members of the party. I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet. Eventually he will reach whatever his goal is and I'm stumped for details and motive. I do have a an outline stared, with some rough ideas on flow for a few episodes.
Quote from: Secret Level on August 29, 2010, 03:15:05 AM
Quote from: curiosity on August 28, 2010, 12:51:20 PM
Quote from: Secret Level on August 28, 2010, 09:48:10 AM
I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.
Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.
But it might end up being tearfully dull. Who wants to read a series of episodic stories that all about poor smucks that try to cross this bridge and get butally hacked apart. Might make great fodder for a series of flash videos, but not much anything people would want to read.
Quote
QuoteI almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.
Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.
Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.
But I don't like the Prince for some reason. Well I don't like the idea of the Prince., but then again he has no purpose, or personality so..ya.
All of this is what editing is for. Get what you've got out on paper or whatever and then refine it.
Quote from: Secret Level on August 29, 2010, 09:01:25 AM
I have decided to make this story about the Prince, who now has a name btw, Garwit. I've decided to make it semi-episodic in nature. Every episode will involve the Prince encountering some obstacle that must be overcome, but while they would simple to overcome become complicated due to the Prince or a member of his party behaving in a non-knightly fashion. Between major conflicts there will be mini-stories told about the fallen members of the party. I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet. Eventually he will reach whatever his goal is and I'm stumped for details and motive. I do have a an outline stared, with some rough ideas on flow for a few episodes.
Sounds like a plan.
Quote from: Cudgel on August 29, 2010, 09:01:25 AM
I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet.
There doesn't have to be one, really. Maybe he likes adventures. Or if you must have a reason: Diplomatic mission, exile (temporary or otherwise), to gain experience of the ways of the world? Remember, the motivations of your characters don't necessarily have to make sense from the audience's point of view.
Quote from: phoenixofdiscordia on August 30, 2010, 02:37:33 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on August 29, 2010, 09:01:25 AM
I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet.
There doesn't have to be one, really. Maybe he likes adventures. Or if you must have a reason: Diplomatic mission, exile (temporary or otherwise), to gain experience of the ways of the world? Remember, the motivations of your characters don't necessarily have to make sense from the audience's point of view.
Read Michael Moorcocks ''Elric'' books. Elric never needed anything but the most tenuous excuse to go riding off into adventure. (He has the coolest Sword in SF too) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IF9BMvhfGI
Bump because I want to see if Coyote has worked on this at all. :D