Queen Skinsaw was an old soul, she reflected...Not old, just an old soul. There was always so much to do, and no time for fun. She hadn't been off her throne in ages, it seemed.
Not that it wasn't a nice throne, of course. It was fashioned from the crowns and bones of rulers of the lesser kingdoms she had subjugated when she consolidated the Greater Kingdom of Portland. Sharper bits occasionally poked her, but a little blood keeps one awake while listening to interminable reports from incompetent hirelings and the occasional plea for clemency from a citizen.
Why, just last week, she had spent the better part of ten whole minutes listening to some peasant crying for mercy because he had a wife and six children to take care of.
"Well", Queen Skinsaw said to herself, "He should have thought of them before he double parked."
Then, the next day, she was forced to smite Prince Peter mute for a month, after he was rude to the ruler of Ohio. Boys WILL be boys, of course, but a war with Ohio right now would distract The Queen from her objectives in Seattle. Besides, a little quiet time had done Queen Skinsaw no end of good, and she'd have the lad's tongue reattached by her chiurgeons in a week or three.
It had all gotten so complex, since The Big Oops. Some nebulous government or other had kept the peace among all the kingdoms, way back when. Ever since The Unpleasantness, each kingdom was left to fend for itself, and it had been nothing but headaches ever since. Queen Skinsaw had originally set out to do nothing more than defend what was hers...The Artists and craftsmen of Metro Portland. But the neighbors were always raiding for food and women, and she really had no choice but to conquer their lands and absorb what was left into her kingdom. Now she was stuck with most of Oregon, and parts of Washington.
Somewhere along the line, her name changed. She used to have a normal name - what exactly it was escaped her memory some time ago - until that troublesome man came along and caused all that ruckus.
He was one of those madmen out of the South, she recalled, some desert madman who wandered in out of Utah or California...Probably California, judging from the radiation burns. He had babbled something about second comings, rivers of fire, the usual nonsense. Then he walked across the fountain in Queen Skinsaw's throne room, and turned her bottle of mineral water into wine.
What could she do? She had him flayed, of course...Wine was easy to come by, but pure water costs a fortune, these days. Then she dropped a couple of city killers along her Southern and Western borders, to discourage any other self-appointed prophets from causing any more grief.
"Silly man", she thought, as she walked out on the balcony, glancing down on the trash fires and furtive figures moving about on the streets below. "But what's this?"...A full dozen people congregating on a street corner? Holding up images of what appeared to be the crazy prophet she had just been reminiscing about? That couldn't be anything but trouble.
Queen Skinsaw returned to her throne room and told the seneschal to prepare her horse, the pale one, and to summon a squad of Murder Colonels to follow, and she rode out to restore peace and order in the kingdom.
A Queen's work is never done.
To be continued.
Wow... Loved the imagery in that one. And the very brief and tantalizing references to exactly what The Big Oops was.
Woah. Total switchup between parts 1 and 2...but both are awesome.
Skinsaw...I like that. I pictured a blue, female version of Shiva sitting on that throne, too, and I really like the prophet guy. Excellent stuff, Dok.
Yay! Part two!
Thanks.
The fun part about history is that it doesn't always have to be about the past.
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Beyond being feverish and stuff. It's amusing, has that ring of truth to it, and comes off like Terry Prachett with a streak of vile horror.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on October 25, 2010, 07:25:34 PM
Wow... Loved the imagery in that one. And the very brief and tantalizing references to exactly what The Big Oops was.
The thing is, it doesn't matter what The Big Oops will be. The results will be the same.
Quote from: Richter on October 25, 2010, 07:53:00 PM
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Beyond being feverish and stuff. It's amusing, has that ring of truth to it, and comes off like Terry Prachett with a streak of vile horror.
I really need to try reading some of his books, or so I am told.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2010, 07:57:52 PM
Quote from: Richter on October 25, 2010, 07:53:00 PM
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Beyond being feverish and stuff. It's amusing, has that ring of truth to it, and comes off like Terry Prachett with a streak of vile horror.
I really need to try reading some of his books, or so I am told.
Maybe ones with Cohen the Barbarian, or perhaps
Thief of Time or
Small Gods.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on October 25, 2010, 07:58:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2010, 07:57:52 PM
Quote from: Richter on October 25, 2010, 07:53:00 PM
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Beyond being feverish and stuff. It's amusing, has that ring of truth to it, and comes off like Terry Prachett with a streak of vile horror.
I really need to try reading some of his books, or so I am told.
Maybe ones with Cohen the Barbarian, or perhaps Thief of Time or Small Gods.
Did
Thief of Time include a character named Rictus?
Nope. A quick google indicates you make be thinking of Clive Barker's Thief of Always.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on October 25, 2010, 08:02:16 PM
Nope. A quick google indicates you make be thinking of Clive Barker's Thief of Always.
Oh, yeah. Clive Barker's only good book.
Anyway, I'll start with your last two suggestions.
Those are good suggestions. I'd probably pick the same ones if I had to pick the best two (even though pretty much all of them are quite good).
So, this part will tie in with the first part about the Black Iron Prisons with TVs at some point? Damn, that's gonna be awesome. Please don't tag us along on a shaggy dog story again, eh? :)
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2010, 07:50:38 PM
Thanks.
The fun part about history is that it doesn't always have to be about the past.
In my experience, the fun part of history is the stuff that is DEFINATELY not about the past.
Gibbons'
Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire was made much more readable by thinking about the context of the time he was writing it in as much as the actual minutiae he was droning on about.
Fucking mittens, man.
I just about choked on the fifth paragraph.
Quote from: Triple Zero on October 25, 2010, 11:41:33 PM
Those are good suggestions. I'd probably pick the same ones if I had to pick the best two (even though pretty much all of them are quite good).
So, this part will tie in with the first part about the Black Iron Prisons with TVs at some point? Damn, that's gonna be awesome. Please don't tag us along on a shaggy dog story again, eh? :)
I already promised no shaggy dog punchline. That only works once.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2010, 12:15:42 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on October 25, 2010, 11:41:33 PM
Those are good suggestions. I'd probably pick the same ones if I had to pick the best two (even though pretty much all of them are quite good).
So, this part will tie in with the first part about the Black Iron Prisons with TVs at some point? Damn, that's gonna be awesome. Please don't tag us along on a shaggy dog story again, eh? :)
I already promised no shaggy dog punchline. That only works once.
It's kind of like the Reverse Bel-Air that way.
Ohhhhh... this was GOOD. :)
There doesn't seem to be an emote for Fearmittens™.