This one isn't a series of related stories, it's one story broken into several parts. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely malicious and utterly intentional.
It had been a long journey. Ah'Lechs and Qi'Lara were exhausted and annoyed when they first entered The City through the Great Gate of Reason, so they were more annoyed when they were accosted by one of the filthy prophets that infest the entrances to The City.
"Oh, ye wretches!", howled the prophet, "Do ye think your ironmongery shall save ye from the wrath of the Gods? Will your swords hold back the night?"
Ah'Lechs was of a mind to try, and reached for his sword.
"Now?", he asked, hopefully.
"No.", said Qi'Lara, "Remember what happened last time."
Ah'Lechs grumbled, but released the grip on his sword. Qi'Lara was under a curse that made her right all the time, and Ah'Lechs had learned (rather painfully on occasion) to listen to her. The prophet continued to screech.
It was one of those days.
After they left the Plaza of the Gods, they were accosted by four seedy looking men that wanted, it seemed, a toll for the use of the street that they were traveling down. One of them suggested that Qi'Lara could pay in a currency other than gold.
Hand on hilt, Ah'Lechs glanced at Qi'Lara. "Now?", he asked?
"Yeah, okay, now.", Qi'Lara agreed with a giggle, as she hauled out her sword, catching one thief on the liver with the tip.
Later, as they wiped their swords off on the footpads' clothing, Ah'Lechs looked at Qi'Lara.
"Do you really have to giggle like that while we're fighting? It's a little creepy."
"Fuck you, I'm sick!", she responded, as she tried to get a stubborn piece of spleen off of her sword.
As Ah'Lechs rifled the deceased's pockets, he noticed that the shadows had grown long for that time of day. He stood upright, and looked around...Everything looked normal. He chalked it up to fatigue and straightened up, as he suggested that they find a tavern first, then an inn.
"Inn FIRST. THEN a tavern.", She replied. "We have enough for cheap rooms and a couple of bottles of rotgut. We're going to have to find a job, or go back to robbing temples."
"Bugger that", said Ah'Lechs, "The priest at the last temple we burgled cursed me. I still shit crooked."
They walked down the street, not noticing the shadows forming behind them.
Presently, they found and entered The Traveler's Rest. It was one of those kinds of Inns, which was par for the course for the two heroes. It had the added advantage of having a taproom, which, as Qi'Lara pointed out, would save them a stagger through the streets later.
"We'll need a room and some booze...", Ah'Lechs began.
"Two rooms and some booze.", his companion finished. Ah'Lechs shrugged, as if to say, "You can't ding me for trying."
The innkeeper looked them up and down with one rheumy eye. He didn't have much of a choice, as the other eye and one of his ears was missing. Added to these subtractions was the appearance that he had but a nodding acquaintance with personal hygiene, and enough teeth to eat oatmeal.
"Lessee the color of your money", he said, "Issa gold piece for each room, and a copper a drink. A silver iffen ya wants the bottle."
"A gold piece? In this shithole? You must be out of your tree.", Qi'Lara retorted, "I expect we'll have to stab a few bedbugs a few times before we sack in."
"Take it 'r leave it", was the response, "Ya wanna sleep out where the dark can gitcha, that's yer own lookout."
"What, we should be afraid of the dark?", laughed Ah'Lechs, "Why, we've slain more men and beasts than any living heroes. We've even fed the Hurkle Beast and got away clean."
"The Hurkle Beast, eh?", the bartender sneered, looking skeptical. "Won't help ya none here. The dark grabs ya and gobbles ya up, and your swords won't help ya. Even the watch stops patrolling at night. Issa room at a gold, or yer hides. You choose, it's all the same ta me."
The pair grumbled, paying for the rooms and the booze. After stowing their packs in their rooms, they returned to the taproom to rinse the dust from their mouths. Predictably, the booze was of a grade that would be better used to polish their swords.
"Umf.", Qi'Lara grunted, an hour later, "This dark thing. That crazy prophet talked about it at the gate. Wonder what the hell's going on?"
"Street prophets are notorious liars", Ah'Lechs mused, "and, as such, are harmless. Real prophets, of course, are nothing but trouble, and should be converted into martyrs with big rocks, liberally applied. Funny how they never see it coming, though."
"Wouldn't that offend the Gods?"
"You'd think so, or at least that they'd utter some final prophecy. But they don't."
"What do they do?"
"Mostly, they scream a lot. 'Shit, fuck, ouch that hurts!' sorta thing."
"Figures", Qi'Lara mumbled, tossing off the last of her booze, "Is bed time."
To be continued.
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
:O This is the genre that I just gobble up.
I await your next installment with eager impatience! :D
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:47:21 PM
:O This is the genre that I just gobble up.
I await your next installment with eager impatience! :D
I felt challenged by Pratchett, and moreso in that I don't want to even come CLOSE to his storylines, just the general feel.
Plus, I've never written fantasy, and I feel I should try. Please try to bear with me. This is really fucking hard.
SQUEEEEEEEE!!!
You know I spent my youth as a complete and utter sci-fi/fantasy geek, right?
Also, the characters... :)
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on November 02, 2010, 04:56:01 PM
SQUEEEEEEEE!!!
You know I spent my youth as a complete and utter sci-fi/fantasy geek, right?
Also, the characters... :)
Every character important enough to have a name will be based on a PDer. So far, it's you and LMNO.
Many PDers will die gruesome deaths. Nothing personal.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:54:24 PM
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:47:21 PM
:O This is the genre that I just gobble up.
I await your next installment with eager impatience! :D
I felt challenged by Pratchett, and moreso in that I don't want to even come CLOSE to his storylines, just the general feel.
Plus, I've never written fantasy, and I feel I should try.
The thing abou fantasy, I've found, is that its much harder to write a short story than it is to go on and on, often too long, and still be satisfying. But you've made a really good start, I'm already invested. :D
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:57:44 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:54:24 PM
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:47:21 PM
:O This is the genre that I just gobble up.
I await your next installment with eager impatience! :D
I felt challenged by Pratchett, and moreso in that I don't want to even come CLOSE to his storylines, just the general feel.
Plus, I've never written fantasy, and I feel I should try.
The thing abou fantasy, I've found, is that its much harder to write a short story than it is to go on and on, often too long, and still be satisfying. But you've made a really good start, I'm already invested. :D
I'm trying to do 2-3 Word pages per day, each day being a chapter. Due to the nature of work at the moment, it may not happen every day, and I'm not touching it on the weekends.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:59:22 PM
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:57:44 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:54:24 PM
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 04:47:21 PM
:O This is the genre that I just gobble up.
I await your next installment with eager impatience! :D
I felt challenged by Pratchett, and moreso in that I don't want to even come CLOSE to his storylines, just the general feel.
Plus, I've never written fantasy, and I feel I should try.
The thing abou fantasy, I've found, is that its much harder to write a short story than it is to go on and on, often too long, and still be satisfying. But you've made a really good start, I'm already invested. :D
I'm trying to do 2-3 Word pages per day, each day being a chapter. Due to the nature of work at the moment, it may not happen every day, and I'm not touching it on the weekends.
Sounds like a plan.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
That's actually a hindrance. D&D books universally suck ass, and I'm trying for more of a Fafhred and the Grey Mouser approach, with maybe a little Robert Howard. Magic will be largely unexplained, rare, and dangerous, and the Gods will be petty and malicious. Monsters will tend to be unique, and go by colloquial names, rather than species names, etc.
:crankey: He hasn't even got started on fantasy, don't distract him now!
Freeky,
Really, really wants to read this story to the end.
Quote from: Liam on November 02, 2010, 05:54:21 PM
QuoteD&D books universally suck ass
Mainly true, but the parody's seem to work very well. Discworld, the Myth series, Colin the Librarian, Eric the Unready, pretty much every one I read seemed to be enjoyable. I think the light heartednes you can get away with in a parody takes away from the shitfoxery of a standard fantasy setting.
I enjoy writing terrible fantasy stories. Try some Sci-fi, when you get bored of the fantasy, I'd love to see how that goes, as I find that fucking impossible to pull off.
I just did two science fiction stories (in the brief explanation series). They're not too tough. And while I intend to have a little tongue-in-cheek humor with this, it's not a parody. I want to write The City as fantasy, and not clog it up with the standard shit that ruins almost every fantasy story.
There will be no telepathic cats, no made-up words that you're supposed to take as a given, no female homoeroticism (sorry, LMNO), NO FUCKING PET DRAGONS (fer Chrissakes), no Tolkein ripoffs (Fuck you, Robert Jordan), no friendly vampires, werewolves, ghosts, or any of that other Anne Rice bullshit, and NO FUCKING ELVES. PERIOD. In fact, I'm going to lift from
Thieves' World and stick to humans as protagonists. All non-humans will be monstrous. Most of the humans themselves will be monstrous. There will also not be a fucking SMIDGEN of Wicca/Touchy-feely bullshit, unless it's a character that meets a very, very bad end.
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 02, 2010, 06:00:16 PM
:crankey: He hasn't even got started on fantasy, don't distract him now!
Freeky,
Really, really wants to read this story to the end.
This particular story will have an end, though I can see using the characters in other stories of the same genre.
Quote from: Liam on November 02, 2010, 06:05:20 PM
I like that list :D
Big fan of NO FUCKING ELVES. PERIOD. I hate elves.
No dwarves, either. Or those Goddamned hobbitses.
(If there ARE dwarves, think the Nordic kind. Definite bad guys.)
My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.
Quote from: Liam on November 02, 2010, 06:12:52 PM
Oh Nordic dwarfs are fucking nasty. As are their trolls. They hide in human skin, and steal your wife. For raping.
Dunno if the bloke that was telling me that was pulling my leg mind you.
Who cares, I'm using it!
Quote from: Liam on November 02, 2010, 06:12:52 PM
Tolkien rip offs have a lot to answer for. In fact, was it not Tolkein who made it OK for there to be about half a chapter of fucking made up language prose every few chapters. The twat. I think my problem with the sci-fi, is I turn into a space aged Tom Clancey, and spend 38 pages banging on about a hypothetical propulsion system and then pretty much go' and they then shot some aliens, the end' D:
Propulsion systems should be backdrop, not the story. And shoot-em-ups are to be avoided, unless your name is David Drake or Jerry Pournelle.
And yeah, Tolkein ripoffs. There's that Shannara shit (Terry Brooks, eat a dick), Dennis L. McKiernan's blatant ripoffs, the list goes on and on, and they all SUCK. I mean, not "that was unpleasant", but "I wish to feed the author to javelinas".
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on November 02, 2010, 06:16:04 PM
My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.
Wrong kind. I'm talking about the vicious little bastards that yank your skin off to make...Oh, okay. Maybe the same kind.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 06:18:25 PM
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on November 02, 2010, 06:16:04 PM
My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.
Wrong kind. I'm talking about the vicious little bastards that yank your skin off to make...Oh, okay. Maybe the same kind.
yes. :)
Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these. No shit.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 06:21:04 PM
Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these. No shit.
THANK FUCK!!!
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on November 02, 2010, 06:21:29 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 06:21:04 PM
Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these. No shit.
THANK FUCK!!!
That is yet another crime inflicted on fantasy by Tolkien. Would Conan have burst into song? The Grey Mouser? Fuck no.
The Shire didn't get half the kicking around it deserved. Fuckers.
Also, if Gandalf can have tobacco, why can't Borimir have a Thompson submachine gun? I mean, if one anachronism works, why can't they all?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 06:09:15 PM
Quote from: Liam on November 02, 2010, 06:05:20 PM
I like that list :D
Big fan of NO FUCKING ELVES. PERIOD. I hate elves.
No dwarves, either. Or those Goddamned hobbitses.
(If there ARE dwarves, think the Nordic kind. Definite bad guys.)
Wait until you find what Pratchett did to elves, the fuckers :lol: You might like :) [they only appear in 1 or 2 books, afaik]
OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:26:28 PM
OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.
Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.
:mittens:
I love this genre and you have an amazing start here! Can't wait for the next!!!!
Quote from: Khara on November 02, 2010, 07:29:44 PM
:mittens:
I love this genre and you have an amazing start here! Can't wait for the next!!!!
Tomorrow, I think.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:27:46 PM
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:26:28 PM
OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.
Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.
Which is why I hate most of it.
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:31:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:27:46 PM
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:26:28 PM
OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.
Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.
Which is why I hate most of it.
It all went to shit in the mid 80s, if you ask me.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:31:50 PM
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:31:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:27:46 PM
Quote from: Sir Coyote on November 02, 2010, 07:26:28 PM
OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.
Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.
Which is why I hate most of it.
It all went to shit in the mid 80s, if you ask me.
That is about the timeframe I noticed fantasy started sucking, based on copyright dates seeing how I was born in '84.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 05:49:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
That's actually a hindrance. D&D books universally suck ass, and I'm trying for more of a Fafhred and the Grey Mouser approach, with maybe a little Robert Howard. Magic will be largely unexplained, rare, and dangerous, and the Gods will be petty and malicious. Monsters will tend to be unique, and go by colloquial names, rather than species names, etc.
Sounds like something I would read.
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 07:37:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 05:49:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
That's actually a hindrance. D&D books universally suck ass, and I'm trying for more of a Fafhred and the Grey Mouser approach, with maybe a little Robert Howard. Magic will be largely unexplained, rare, and dangerous, and the Gods will be petty and malicious. Monsters will tend to be unique, and go by colloquial names, rather than species names, etc.
Sounds like something I would read.
Thanks. I'll be on it again tomorrow, I think.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:38:27 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 07:37:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 05:49:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
That's actually a hindrance. D&D books universally suck ass, and I'm trying for more of a Fafhred and the Grey Mouser approach, with maybe a little Robert Howard. Magic will be largely unexplained, rare, and dangerous, and the Gods will be petty and malicious. Monsters will tend to be unique, and go by colloquial names, rather than species names, etc.
Sounds like something I would read.
Thanks. I'll be on it again tomorrow, I think.
Incidentally, you should look out for the Fafhred and Grey Mouser and Lovecraft parodies in Pratchett's work. The Colour of Magic, to be specific.
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 07:39:54 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 07:38:27 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 07:37:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 05:49:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 02, 2010, 04:44:32 PM
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 04:43:35 PM
Qi'lara seems somewhat familiar...
This is a shift in genre for you, at least, from your usual writings on here. Should be interesting.
It's fucking hard to write, I'll tell you that much.
I would've thought you wouldn't find it too hard, given your experience of DMing and so on. I guess there is a difference between plotting and planning and writing, though.
That's actually a hindrance. D&D books universally suck ass, and I'm trying for more of a Fafhred and the Grey Mouser approach, with maybe a little Robert Howard. Magic will be largely unexplained, rare, and dangerous, and the Gods will be petty and malicious. Monsters will tend to be unique, and go by colloquial names, rather than species names, etc.
Sounds like something I would read.
Thanks. I'll be on it again tomorrow, I think.
Incidentally, you should look out for the Fafhred and Grey Mouser and Lovecraft parodies in Pratchett's work. The Colour of Magic, to be specific.
Reading that right now, and yeah, it's there.
What's the book that directly follows it?
The Light Fantastic.
Generally I recommend reading them in publication order after that.
Quote from: Cain on November 02, 2010, 07:45:55 PM
The Light Fantastic.
Generally I recommend reading them in publication order after that.
Thanks!
The used bookstore won't know what hit it.
I was also a fantasy geek growing up. I'm looking forward to the rest.
Pratchett is my favorite author, so this is gonna be fun to read. If you haven't, check out the Watch books if you want to write the City as Fantasy.
Quote from: James Semaj on November 02, 2010, 08:06:34 PM
Pratchett is my favorite author, so this is gonna be fun to read. If you haven't, check out the Watch books if you want to write the City as Fantasy.
Started with Thud.
QuoteStarted with Thud.
That ones great. The first is Guards! Guards!, followed by Men at Arms, then Feet of Clay, then either The Fifth Elephant or Night Watch, and then THud.
Pratchett dedicated Guards! Guards! to the poor bastards who get butchered by the hero in every Conan or Fafhred and the Gray Mouser story.
Woops, I forgot about Jingo.
:mittens:
This is awesome. I should restart my fantasy story... I'll do some tonight. At least a page and a half.
I do plan to continue this, probably Monday.
Fuck'n Apostrophe'd names.
Fuck.
For the rest it is enjoyable as fuck though.
Quote from: Regret on November 05, 2010, 06:42:14 PM
Fuck'n Apostrophe'd names.
Fuck.
For the rest it is enjoyable as fuck though.
Yeah, that's because they're the first names of two people who post here, so I thought I should tuckerize them.
Sorry about that.
Awesome. Hard to write or not, it's pretty good! I'm looking forward to more.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 05, 2010, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: Regret on November 05, 2010, 06:42:14 PM
Fuck'n Apostrophe'd names.
Fuck.
For the rest it is enjoyable as fuck though.
Yeah, that's because they're the first names of two people who post here, so I thought I should tuckerize them.
Sorry about that.
D'oh, i just got it.
Quote from: Regret on November 05, 2010, 08:07:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 05, 2010, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: Regret on November 05, 2010, 06:42:14 PM
Fuck'n Apostrophe'd names.
Fuck.
For the rest it is enjoyable as fuck though.
Yeah, that's because they're the first names of two people who post here, so I thought I should tuckerize them.
Sorry about that.
D'oh, i just got it.
Well, thanks for the slam, anyway.
I'm pretty sure he intended it as a compliment. Seriously, a Dutch thing, over here "that's not bad at all" is even a compliment. So the remark about the names is not important at all when he's applauding the entire piece. (After all, how could a small thing like name spelling affect the enjoying of a piece?)
Do with it what you wish, but I think Regret should take it as a lesson in cultural differences :)
Love what you've got, as usual. It's nice to see fantasy characters that act like actual human beings. I really dig the blend of cynicism and humor.
Quote from: Doktor Plague on November 06, 2010, 01:12:22 AM
Love what you've got, as usual. It's nice to see fantasy characters that act like actual human beings. I really dig the blend of cynicism and humor.
Thanks. I've got the next bit worked out, but writing it is fucking HARD. It's either going to be epic win or utter failure.