It's the Christmas season, and everyone in Tucson knows what that means. Hide the kids in the basement, and leave cookies, meth, and strong drink by the mantle.
For on Christmas, Baba Yaga flies all over The City in her magic mortar and pestle, visiting each house with gifts for good little boys and girls. These gifts are gained, not in the North Pole factory of yore, but in a manner guaranteed to ensure that good children will eventually outnumber bad children.
Rather than a lump of coal for bad kiddies, Baba Yaga comes down the chimney, creeps through the house, and tears the skin off of naughty children. Their hides are then given to the good kids, to remind them to stay on the straight and narrow.
What happens when her mantle piece offerings aren't left out is too horrible to contemplate.
Sure, there used to be a Santa Claus, but he was arrested in Maricopa County for being in the USA illegally, plus breaking and entering, and being a Pagan figure. He was dressed in Pink, given a cell, and mysteriously beat himself to death the first night.
Mrs. Claus tried to carry on, but she and her reindeer were blown to cat meat by a flight of F22 Raptors, as they crossed into American airspace. The elves all drowned a few weeks later when the ice floe their workshop had drifted off on melted underneath them.
Baba Yaga was the only mythical figure willing to take on the job.
Now, it may be said that having Christmas arranged by a cannibal Russian witch might cast a pall over the whole holiday, I am in fact assured that this isn't the case. She's tough on crime, has her paperwork straight, and came in with a very low bid. If she hadn't lived in Russia for a thousand years or so, you'd swear she was American™.
And let's face it...A lump of coal isn't exactly a deterrent, these days. No. You have to be firm with the little hoodlums, or before you know it, they'll be on your lawn, running around and making lots of noise, instead of quietly parking themselves in front of the X Box that their parents worked so hard for.
So, from all of us in Tucson, to all of you out there reading this with your pants around your ankles and a silly grin pasted on your face, a very merry Christmas to you all. Sleep tight, and don't let the scorpions and vipers bite...Oh, and hide the kids. Odds are, they aren't on the right side of the list.
Now we just have to deal with that fucked up little bunny that lays eggs. That ain't natural, and goes against God's will.
Or Kill Me.
As strange as the story sounds, it's all true. Just another day in Tucson.
The idea of Baba Yaga taking over just... fits. Wonderfully/Horribly.
I think Santa got what he deserved. Dude lost it years ago.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on December 01, 2010, 04:57:34 PM
I think Santa got what he deserved. Dude lost it years ago.
He sold out when he sponsored those insipid Coca Cola commercials in the 70s. The cunt.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on December 01, 2010, 04:56:09 PM
The idea of Baba Yaga taking over just... fits. Wonderfully/Horribly.
The world's going down the shitter, and Santa Claus just couldn't keep up with the times. He really hasn't been right since child soldiers in Africa started writing him letters asking for cocaine and bayonets.
What I want to know is where the Hogfather came in on the bidding war. I mean, Baba Yaga is awesome and all. But that house of hers runs around on giant chicken legs and she never gets my letters because her address is never the same twice. She could at least take out a P.O. Box or something.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 01, 2010, 05:07:52 PM
What I want to know is where the Hogfather came in on the bidding war.
Wrong universe, I'm afraid. This planet is held up by Baby Jesus and the ghost of Ayn Rand, not some fucking tortoise.
But . . . but . . . tortoise. :(
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 01, 2010, 05:15:19 PM
But . . . but . . . tortoise. :(
TWO WORDS: TURTLE SOUP.
This is America™, 21st Century, not some mollycoddling Ankh-Morpork kiddie land.
Also, I think I've about had it with every single of my rants and stories turning into Terry Pratchett fan club threads. This doesn't even resemble anything he fucking wrote, FFS.
To hell with it. I'm going to stick to whiskey & pill driven raving from now on.
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Quote from: Hover Cat on December 01, 2010, 05:52:14 PM
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Thanks.
But this thread is now about Terry Fucking Pratchett.
PERFECT. I can see Baba Yaga gnshign the iron teeth and ripping off a punk's skin one - handed, like in the Silent Hill movie, except with a little old woman, not Pyramid Head.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 05:54:33 PM
Quote from: Hover Cat on December 01, 2010, 05:52:14 PM
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Thanks.
But this thread is now about Terry Fucking Pratchett.
I shouldn't post in it then, since I've never read anything by him.
Blight,
-Ok with missing out on the TP
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 01, 2010, 06:09:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 05:54:33 PM
Quote from: Hover Cat on December 01, 2010, 05:52:14 PM
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Thanks.
But this thread is now about Terry Fucking Pratchett.
I shouldn't post in it then, since I've never read anything by him.
Blight,
-Ok with missing out on the TP
He's an amazing writer. I have no problem with his work
1, and enjoy it very much.
However, it's fucking annoying as hell when you try to have fun with a cultural myth, and some Goddamn Pratchett Fanboi derails everything by bringing up a Pratchett story that is at best tangentially related.
If I wanted to write about the fucking Hogfather as an alternate Santa, I would have. But I fucking didn't, I wrote something entirely unrelated, and CPD can kiss my entire arse.
I'm really fucking pissed about this.
1 Except that the bastard beat me to the funniest joke I've thought of in at least a year, apparently (reverse Phrenology).
Wipe with a moist towelette or ten and kissing of the arse shall commence. But if you shit on my face, that will cost extra.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 01, 2010, 06:14:49 PM
Wipe with a moist towelette or ten and kissing of the arse shall commence. But if you shit on my face, that will cost extra.
Look, just fuck off and trash someone else's stuff for a while, okay?
I wasn't attempting to trash your shit. I liked what you wrote. I was trying to participate in a meaningful fashion and it misfired. The intention was more to ponder about how letters written to Baba Yaga would even get to her since her house is always running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I'd apologize but I'm pretty sure there's no point in that.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 01, 2010, 06:18:42 PM
I'd apologize but I'm pretty sure there's no point in that.
Annnnd insult added to injury.
Thread is fucking dead. Your mission is accomplished. There are other threads out there, so please move on.
GAH! Fucking hell, man.
I loved the OP. And I am now serioously debating if I truly love my shildren enough to hide them or if I should just get an airtight alibi!!! :lulz:
:mittens: Reverend!!
Reminds me a bit of Krampus, the troll who follows santa and drags naughty kids to hell. Or eats them.
Quote from: Richter on December 01, 2010, 07:17:56 PM
Reminds me a bit of Krampus, the troll who follows santa and drags naughty kids to hell. Or eats them.
I think Sheriff Joe hired him. I hope so, for his sake, as Baba Yaga isn't keen on competition.
Quote from: Niamh on December 01, 2010, 07:16:47 PM
I loved the OP. And I am now serioously debating if I truly love my shildren enough to hide them or if I should just get an airtight alibi!!! :lulz:
:mittens: Reverend!!
"A 1000 year old cannibal Russian witch did it."
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 07:20:49 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 01, 2010, 07:17:56 PM
Reminds me a bit of Krampus, the troll who follows santa and drags naughty kids to hell. Or eats them.
I think Sheriff Joe hired him. I hope so, for his sake, as Baba Yaga isn't keen on competition.
I'm shocked he took the job.
Last I knew he was bouncing around fetish clubs between Siberia and Iceland as the mood took him. Drinking like a fiend, pounding tabs of E, and crashing out in youth hostels (C'mon did ANYONE think that hairy, snoring bastard was human.)
Out in Tucson, someone's going to eventually slip up and ask if he's Pan.
I can't be clear enough. DON'T. Last time I saw a gothwhale get them confused, he turned her inside out for a laugh. Pan's his counsin, and they don't get along. You'd think they'd be all about the same things, but like all jade perverts they have weird sensibilities. He considers his cos a "lacadasical, pastoral hippie who can't hold down REAL drink or stomach a place with a sound system, NO desire or capability to take things to the wall".
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 07:21:33 PM
Quote from: Niamh on December 01, 2010, 07:16:47 PM
I loved the OP. And I am now serioously debating if I truly love my shildren enough to hide them or if I should just get an airtight alibi!!! :lulz:
:mittens: Reverend!!
"A 1000 year old cannibal Russian witch did it."
It's plausable don't you think? :lulz:
Quote from: Niamh on December 01, 2010, 08:13:43 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 07:21:33 PM
Quote from: Niamh on December 01, 2010, 07:16:47 PM
I loved the OP. And I am now serioously debating if I truly love my shildren enough to hide them or if I should just get an airtight alibi!!! :lulz:
:mittens: Reverend!!
"A 1000 year old cannibal Russian witch did it."
It's plausable don't you think? :lulz:
Which part, that a Russian is 1000 years old or a cannibal?
The second part I believe wholeheartedly. The first part, well, some Russians do look like they're 1000 years old when they're actually only 55.
Quick question: Are Baba Yaga's standards the same as Santa's were? What exactly qualifies as naughty or nice under her administration?
Dr. James Semaj
Hoping to set up a meeting on amiable terms.
This is Baba Yaga we're talking about here. Old world Russian standards.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on December 01, 2010, 09:29:48 PM
Quick question: Are Baba Yaga's standards the same as Santa's were? What exactly qualifies as naughty or nice under her administration?
Dr. James Semaj
Hoping to set up a meeting on amiable terms.
Hard to tell. If you try to google "naughty russian" and "nice russuan" you get a lot of overlap...
Quote from: A Villager on December 02, 2010, 01:23:02 AM
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on December 01, 2010, 09:29:48 PM
Quick question: Are Baba Yaga's standards the same as Santa's were? What exactly qualifies as naughty or nice under her administration?
Dr. James Semaj
Hoping to set up a meeting on amiable terms.
Hard to tell. If you try to google "naughty russian" and "nice russuan" you get a lot of overlap...
:spittake:
QuoteHard to tell. If you try to google "naughty russian" and "nice russuan" you get a lot of overlap...
By gum, you're right! Maybe there's a hidden difference between the two...something subtle...
IT'S THE HAPPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR
(Heard my first Christmas song today. I wish to do violence.)
And Christmas themed commercials. They made me sadrageface.
LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, ADVERTISERS!! I DIDN'T WANNA DO IT BUT YOU MADE ME! :cry:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 04:35:40 PM
IT'S THE HAPPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR
(Heard my first Christmas song today. I wish to do violence.)
I refuse to turn on the fucking radio until after Thanksgiving. I have an iPod for this shit.
(http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/310726_2383056829077_1630416210_2296249_1926194966_n.jpg)
The OP is awesome. Baba Yaga has always given me the cold shivers... but the thought of a fat man who does nothing all year but watch small children, making lists, then, on that one, special day, creeping into the house when everyone is asleep to give "presents" is... :shudder:
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Fuck that noise. I do my shopping in the first week of December, and I tell anyone who bothers me about Christmas before December 24th to GET UNDER THE MISTLETOE AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO THEM.
I am rarely bothered twice.
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
:lulz:
I still really love the Baba Yagga imagery. If I were artsy, I'd draw something for it, but alas, I am not. Hm. Though a manip is possible.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 04:35:40 PM
IT'S THE HAPPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR
(Heard my first Christmas song today. I wish to do violence.)
They're starting to push Halloween out of the way...Christmas comes in September in a lot of the craft stores now.
I'm expecting it'll be Christmas year-round, pretty soon.
Fucking kill me when that happens. :vom:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 05:46:04 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
GOOD
I WISH I COULD BREAK IT TWICE.
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:01:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 05:46:04 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
GOOD
I WISH I COULD BREAK IT TWICE.
He's not a hippie, though.
He just lubs Amurrika and you want to wreck it. :cry:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 06:02:25 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:01:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 05:46:04 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
GOOD
I WISH I COULD BREAK IT TWICE.
He's not a hippie, though.
He just lubs Amurrika and you want to wreck it. :cry:
I'll smash the whole thing with my Jew-love and my Jesus-hating ways.
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:45:28 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 06:02:25 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:01:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 05:46:04 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
GOOD
I WISH I COULD BREAK IT TWICE.
He's not a hippie, though.
He just lubs Amurrika and you want to wreck it. :cry:
I'll smash the whole thing with my Jew-love and my Jesus-hating ways.
I bet you even like French people. :argh!:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 06:46:15 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:45:28 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 06:02:25 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 06:01:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 04, 2011, 05:46:04 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 04, 2011, 05:45:32 PM
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
Christmas makes me saaaad
I am glad my best friend is a Jew.
It's people like you that break Bill O'Rielly's heart.
GOOD
I WISH I COULD BREAK IT TWICE.
He's not a hippie, though.
He just lubs Amurrika and you want to wreck it. :cry:
I'll smash the whole thing with my Jew-love and my Jesus-hating ways.
I bet you even like French people. :argh!:
Well... I wouldn't go THAT far. But I probably hate them less than I hate Canadians.
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 04, 2011, 05:42:16 PM
The 60 days of Christmas disgust me. Especially Black Friday. Especially the music.
Christmas Eve is my favorite because you're done with your coerced merchandise shopping and you can sit alone in the dark drinking eggnog in peace.
It all makes me sick. There was fucking displays in mid October. Soon, there will be displays at my birthday.
And you know, theres a lot of bits that don't make me sick individually. For example, bringing a tree in the house and decorating it. I love that idea. I love exchanging gifts. I love good food and large meals with friends. None of these things are bad. Fuck the religion. Fuck the commercialization of the religion even more.
I can see why people becoming Dawkins style atheists.
I don't mind the shit going up early in craft stores. Some of are fucking slow with projects, and if they waited until December 1st to put that shit up, I'd still be making presents until Easter.
Also, the lights in the streets are kinda pretty :)
Over here it's always a battle between Sinterklaas and Christmas, though. You can't really put both in the displays, and Sinterklaas happens sooner, but then you'd have to switch up all the displays after Dec 5th for Christmas things and ... well I assume it must be really confusing for shop owners :lulz:
Last year we also had a crazy ass Christmas Tree sculpture made out of discarded bicycles on one of the main city squares. I'll try to remember to take pics if they do another weird installation like that again.
QuoteThe world's going down the shitter, and Santa Claus just couldn't keep up with the times. He really hasn't been right since child soldiers in Africa started writing him letters asking for cocaine and bayonets.
News fucking feed! I liked this as much as the OP. That isn't intended as a slight on the OP, just that that little soundbite should be spammed everywhere!
Bump for use elsewhere.
DIE, CHRISTMAS, DIE
:zombie:
Also: Baba Yaga won't even stop in this town. She'd be more than welcome, too, at least ACAIC.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 06:13:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 01, 2010, 06:09:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 05:54:33 PM
Quote from: Hover Cat on December 01, 2010, 05:52:14 PM
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Thanks.
But this thread is now about Terry Fucking Pratchett.
I shouldn't post in it then, since I've never read anything by him.
Blight,
-Ok with missing out on the TP
He's an amazing writer. I have no problem with his work1, and enjoy it very much.
However, it's fucking annoying as hell when you try to have fun with a cultural myth, and some Goddamn Pratchett Fanboi derails everything by bringing up a Pratchett story that is at best tangentially related.
If I wanted to write about the fucking Hogfather as an alternate Santa, I would have. But I fucking didn't, I wrote something entirely unrelated, and CPD can kiss my entire arse.
I'm really fucking pissed about this.
1 Except that the bastard beat me to the funniest joke I've thought of in at least a year, apparently (reverse Phrenology).
Wow. I was being a DUMBASS in this thread. Apologies to CPD.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 07, 2012, 08:25:23 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 06:13:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 01, 2010, 06:09:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2010, 05:54:33 PM
Quote from: Hover Cat on December 01, 2010, 05:52:14 PM
:(
But :mittens: to the OP. I like it and Baba Yaga, like LMNO said, fits wonderfully.
Thanks.
But this thread is now about Terry Fucking Pratchett.
I shouldn't post in it then, since I've never read anything by him.
Blight,
-Ok with missing out on the TP
He's an amazing writer. I have no problem with his work1, and enjoy it very much.
However, it's fucking annoying as hell when you try to have fun with a cultural myth, and some Goddamn Pratchett Fanboi derails everything by bringing up a Pratchett story that is at best tangentially related.
If I wanted to write about the fucking Hogfather as an alternate Santa, I would have. But I fucking didn't, I wrote something entirely unrelated, and CPD can kiss my entire arse.
I'm really fucking pissed about this.
1 Except that the bastard beat me to the funniest joke I've thought of in at least a year, apparently (reverse Phrenology).
Wow. I was being a DUMBASS in this thread. Apologies to CPD.
Apology accepted. I apologize for derailing things. It wasn't my intent.
Bump, because I need this for a very special pre-pre-pre-It's-Already-Started Christmas.