ASK.
First: TGRR:
Got your X-mas request via voicemail. What a disastrous list! Regardless of previus Naughty / Nice projections and historical ratios, we can only assume that with that many chainsaws, a bulldozer, flamethrower, etc., you would be irrevocably shifted into NAUGHTY. Then some jackass elf realized that if he honored this request, the naumber of requests he'd have to process in future would certainly go DOWN. (He broke his hand while repeatedly mashing the big red ACCEPT button, self inflicting multiple compound fractures of the metacarpals. Workman's comp is going to shit.)
You're getting your stuff, we can't stop the churining wheels of bureaucracy once the big red button's been hit. We do expect you to make this up though. A tithe of workers who will not loose their shit as badly as the elves will do. Fuckarounds, troglodytes, and knuckle draggers are acceptable. We need folks who become jaded and blase about their work, like the well worn wood of the banister in an old mansion. Anything but these slap - happy, eternally optimistic, toy making fucks. They are not bred for admin work.
YO SANTA
I WANT A WATER BUFFALO
(http://www.loupiote.com/photos_m/91959961-water-buffalo-cow.jpg)
OR A BURRO
(http://www.mustangfoundation.org/images/burro1.jpg)
I want a bazooka and a couple of insane partners with a shitton of weaponry to help me go postal. :evil:
I want that club that cartoon character that shouted KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! had when I was younger. It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon--lessee if I can find him (Caveman something or other was his name)...
OH yeah, THIS GUY:
(http://www.bottlecaptees.com/productimages/designs/captaincaveman-det.gif)
Quote from: Epimetheus on December 10, 2010, 04:32:49 PM
YO SANTA
I WANT A WATER BUFFALO
(http://www.loupiote.com/photos_m/91959961-water-buffalo-cow.jpg)
OR A BURRO
(http://www.mustangfoundation.org/images/burro1.jpg)
This order will be filled by two of our independent contractors. Mad Phuc Do's Cambodian Barbecue, and Juan's Pony Pit and Ass Hole.
If Mad Phuc send you anything unsatisfactory, make sure you try it with the sauce before you send it back. Keep in mind this is a man who will flash fry a rhino without batting an eyelash, but the sauce was his mother's recipe. He once tried to self immolate when someone refused to try it.
Quote from: Niamh on December 10, 2010, 04:34:21 PM
I want a bazooka and a couple of insane partners with a shitton of weaponry to help me go postal. :evil:
Watch "The Expendables". It's all of the above, and enough overmasculine bromance to make Prince Charles hurl in his brouges.
I want whirled peas.
Quote from: Jenne on December 10, 2010, 04:41:33 PM
I want that club that cartoon character that shouted KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! had when I was younger. It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon--lessee if I can find him (Caveman something or other was his name)...
OH yeah, THIS GUY:
(http://www.bottlecaptees.com/productimages/designs/captaincaveman-det.gif)
I remember when Hanna - Barbera was worth a damn, and actually did sci-fi / adventure cartoons, not just mindless funnies. Did anyone ever think that captain Caveman looked like the love child of Mr. Peanut and Cousin It?
I'm going to hide a few of these clubs in local hardwood trees in your area. You'll jsut need to grab you axe and carve 'em out. If any break, just locate and extract the next one.
And yeah, I TRIED getting the elves to make some. Little pricks.
"But that would be dangerous!", they say, carving it into a train set reminiscent of a butt plug.
"THAT'S THE POINT." I tell them, but they laugh, and nance off to the breakroom to shove odd things into each other's stockings.
One of them wants to be a dentist now. I dipped him in curry, and mailed him C.O.D. to a prominent dental school. I ain't getting SHIT this year.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on December 10, 2010, 05:04:23 PM
I want whirled peas.
Your Naughty / Nice ratio will only be within acceptable parameters if you stop the picky ating and demands for unusualy preperation. those veggies have feelings, and like themselves un-whirled and un-blended. They want to be loved for who they are.
All we're saying is Give Peas a Chance.
I want a GIANT dehumidifier.
Big enough to finally realize my dream of killing the Atlantic Ocean.
I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.
Quote from: Abraxas on December 10, 2010, 05:12:25 PM
I want a GIANT dehumidifier.
Big enough to finally realize my dream of killing the Atlantic Ocean.
Set up coffer dams to block off the Atlantic as appropriate. I'll see about calling in the huge transforming maid from "Spaceballs". Be quick, without the dams, we'll just end up taking the Pacific too.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:16:58 PM
I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.
Gray's. Sports. ALMANAC.
Dear Santa,
I would like hydraulic replacements for my battered knees and ankles, and at least one arm converted to this:
(http://futurismic.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/tentacle-prosthesis.jpg)
http://futurismic.com/2010/12/10/tentacle-prosthesis/
Sincerely,
Princess-Episkopos Kaousuu, Esq. of the Most Serene and/or Sovereign Principality of Kaousuu.
I'd take it a step further though. Once I won the bet in one city, I would go back in time to another city with the money I just won and bet that on the same game. Repeat as necessary.
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 05:32:26 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:27:13 PM
Quote from: Suu on December 10, 2010, 05:23:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:16:58 PM
I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.
Gray's. Sports. ALMANAC.
Hell yeah!
NAUGHTY.
BOTH OF YOU.
Perform penance now and send me videos for the internet.
I don't have a webcam and have either way misplaced my flagellum.
Quote from: Suu on December 10, 2010, 05:31:10 PM
Dear Santa,
I would like hydraulic replacements for my battered knees and ankles, and at least one arm converted to this:
(http://futurismic.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/tentacle-prosthesis.jpg)
http://futurismic.com/2010/12/10/tentacle-prosthesis/
Sincerely,
Princess-Episkopos Kaousuu, Esq. of the Most Serene and/or Sovereign Principality of Kaousuu.
The Knee + Ankle rigs are actually on my drawing board. I'll let you know when we have functional prototypes.
As for the arm, remember that your tentacle privileges are still suspended after that shit you pulled at AB 09's basement party.
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 05:35:19 PM
As for the arm, remember that your tentacle privileges are still suspended after that shit you pulled at AB 09's basement party.
Oh come ON! I cleaned up my mess! And I only had 2 lawsuits against me! Plus the Japanese guests thought it was a total hit.
3 senshi and 2 bisounen are STILL in therapy. And that octopus who grabbed Sailor Bubba? Compeltely impotent now. Scrid is doing his counseling, and is still upset with you for starting the whole mess.
Granted, the part where you sledgehammered the aquarium letting all the cephalopods into the dance floor was CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME.
HOOPLA.
YOU HAVE BEEN NICE.
YOU WILL GET 1 COPY OF "TASTEFULL REGENCY ERA ATTIRE FOR LORDS AND LADIES" (Not that scandalous ankle-showing edition either.)
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:33:54 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 05:32:26 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:27:13 PM
Quote from: Suu on December 10, 2010, 05:23:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on December 10, 2010, 05:16:58 PM
I would like a time machine for gambling purposes.
Gray's. Sports. ALMANAC.
Hell yeah!
NAUGHTY.
BOTH OF YOU.
Perform penance now and send me videos for the internet.
I don't have a webcam and have either way misplaced my flagellum.
Guess what you'll find up yo stocking then.
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 05:10:05 PM
Quote from: Jenne on December 10, 2010, 04:41:33 PM
I want that club that cartoon character that shouted KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! had when I was younger. It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon--lessee if I can find him (Caveman something or other was his name)...
OH yeah, THIS GUY:
(http://www.bottlecaptees.com/productimages/designs/captaincaveman-det.gif)
I remember when Hanna - Barbera was worth a damn, and actually did sci-fi / adventure cartoons, not just mindless funnies. Did anyone ever think that captain Caveman looked like the love child of Mr. Peanut and Cousin It?
I'm going to hide a few of these clubs in local hardwood trees in your area. You'll jsut need to grab you axe and carve 'em out. If any break, just locate and extract the next one.
And yeah, I TRIED getting the elves to make some. Little pricks.
"But that would be dangerous!", they say, carving it into a train set reminiscent of a butt plug.
"THAT'S THE POINT." I tell them, but they laugh, and nance off to the breakroom to shove odd things into each other's stockings.
One of them wants to be a dentist now. I dipped him in curry, and mailed him C.O.D. to a prominent dental school. I ain't getting SHIT this year.
Thank you, Santa Richter. I think this is going to be a great Christmas, after all!
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 03:57:25 PM
ASK.
First: TGRR:
Got your X-mas request via voicemail. What a disastrous list! Regardless of previus Naughty / Nice projections and historical ratios, we can only assume that with that many chainsaws, a bulldozer, flamethrower, etc., you would be irrevocably shifted into NAUGHTY. Then some jackass elf realized that if he honored this request, the naumber of requests he'd have to process in future would certainly go DOWN. (He broke his hand while repeatedly mashing the big red ACCEPT button, self inflicting multiple compound fractures of the metacarpals. Workman's comp is going to shit.)
You're getting your stuff, we can't stop the churining wheels of bureaucracy once the big red button's been hit. We do expect you to make this up though. A tithe of workers who will not loose their shit as badly as the elves will do. Fuckarounds, troglodytes, and knuckle draggers are acceptable. We need folks who become jaded and blase about their work, like the well worn wood of the banister in an old mansion. Anything but these slap - happy, eternally optimistic, toy making fucks. They are not bred for admin work.
I would also like an apocalypse, please. A 5km nickle-iron asteroid would do nicely.
OK, but it's going to be shaped like a Star Destroyer. (We had this dude with a die - cast toy fetish, and well....) If we're doing this, we're confusing the FUCK out of everyone. Got a prefered impact site?
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 08:46:09 PM
OK, but it's going to be shaped like a Star Destroyer. (We had this dude with a die - cast toy fetish, and well....) If we're doing this, we're confusing the FUCK out of everyone. Got a prefered impact site?
Sure do. Smack in the middle of the Indian ocean, so I'll have 6-8 hours to listen to the screaming on the shortwave before the shock wave reaches me.
Ok, so I was granted a land fief by Princess Kaosuu a little over a year ago for West Warwick, Cranston, and parts of Coventry. Is all good, but I need some serfs. I'll take more or less anyone, and if you want to put Rizzo into my servitude, I will use him for the express purposes of repeatedly making an example of him by putting him in stocks with a sign around his neck saying "Failed Troll" while the mal-nurished children of my other serfs kick him in the balls repeatedly.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 10, 2010, 08:49:02 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 10, 2010, 08:46:09 PM
OK, but it's going to be shaped like a Star Destroyer. (We had this dude with a die - cast toy fetish, and well....) If we're doing this, we're confusing the FUCK out of everyone. Got a prefered impact site?
Sure do. Smack in the middle of the Indian ocean, so I'll have 6-8 hours to listen to the screaming on the shortwave before the shock wave reaches me.
I'll get on the horn to my russian rocket surplus contacts.
Quote from: Cuddlefish on December 10, 2010, 08:57:03 PM
Ok, so I was granted a land fief by Princess Kaosuu a little over a year ago for West Warwick, Cranston, and parts of Coventry. Is all good, but I need some serfs. I'll take more or less anyone, and if you want to put Rizzo into my servitude, I will use him for the express purposes of repeatedly making an example of him by putting him in stocks with a sign around his neck saying "Failed Troll" while the mal-nurished children of my other serfs kick him in the balls repeatedly.
HOHOHO! You're gettign a free mandolin throw in with the deal! (the cooking implement, not the instrument) What you do with it is up to you, but it should really explain itself.