People in the ancient Greek world didn't have the same addictions we do these days with TV and internet, and had to find other things to get hung up on (that's foreshadowing). Since everything was, by default, analog, most of their hangups had to be done IRL with IRL materials. They didn't have "Doom", "Myst", or "Halo". Instead they had "Blacksmithing", "Pottery", and "Weaving". A nasty side effect of these games was you had finished product stuff when you were done. It tended to pile up, so people used it for clothes and tools, having been kind of invested in them, like how people will kill if you threaten their Xbox Live Achievements.
Arachne was one of the first professional weavers. She was crazy "1337" at it, and could weave scenes of all sorts of interesting and pornographic shit, albeit at a horribly slow frame - rate. She was really proud of this, and boasted about her genius. Everyone agreed she was good, but reminded her that she should also be thanking the gods, who gave people the ideas and inspiration to become mad 1337 weavers in the first place. Arachne was grumpy, and didn't want to hear it. She has just had a bad fling with a dude named Hubris, and was kind of butthurt at the world.
Sure, everyone can have a good angry gaming binge after a breakup, but most of us call it quits after a few hundred frags and get on with things. Arachne though, just kept weaving and blaspheming, generally annoying everyone by screaming "BOOM HEADSHOT" every 200 rows.
This pissed off Athena, so she went down to see her. Athena, now she was something. She was the goddess of cleverness and learning. She wasn't entirely the "Arts and Crafts" goddess though, she was more like a hot librarian with a streak of war nerd. She would have loved /k/.
So Athena challenges Arachne to a throwdown. Most people would think twice about this. Most people would play nice if they did. Any sane person would have just woven up a nice normal tapestry, had a good game, and things would have been cool. Not Arachne though. Still doing the "BOOM HEADSHOT" thing, she wove up a tapestry of Zeus fuckign around, impregnating mortal women. It was sort of the equivalent of talking trash about someone's parents, sexual preference, or excessive teabagging.
Athena, who was usually pretty collected, flipped out. She drop kicked Arachne's uber-sweet weaving rig, jammed the shuttle up her ass, and, showing her ghetto side, cut up her face a bit. She then stalked out saying she was coming back with her ugly stick.
Arachne, now mopey because she couldn't log back on to weave up a facebook post about it, hung herself.
Athena came back and found out she had become an hero, and felt bad. She couldn't forget the sick burn Arachne had bestowed upon her though. As a way of compromising, she turned her into a spider, and was all like, "Weave forever bitch."
Eris wasn't in on this, but I guarantee she watched it on youtube later in a filthy bathrobe drinking a beer and likely touchning herself while cackling evilly.
Awesome.
Oh holy shit. R, you're a genius!
:lulz: :mittens:
I love the juxtaposition of greek myth and internet / xbox memes
Thanks! More of these coming, as the mood strikes. They won't all be video game related either, the comparison just sort of fit.
I'm seeing a Zeus/bro-culture mashup. :lulz:
Already been done. The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 08:17:28 PM
Already been done. The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.
Not a huge stretch, anyway. Seems like he spent all his time sneaking around Hera's back.
Damn. I guess I oughtn't be surprised.
I could see Zeus done a couple ways.
- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic. The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
- Hillbilly, goofing off, blowing up shit with lightning for kicks, and womanizing out of boredom.
- Pervert supreme. Tries more weird stuff in animal for than Hera is EVER into.
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 09:15:54 PM
I could see Zeus done a couple ways.
- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic. The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
- Hillbilly, goofing off, blowing up shit with lightning for kicks, and womanizing out of boredom.
- Pervert supreme. Tries more weird stuff in animal for than Hera is EVER into.
Heh. That, or Hermes was setting him up...
Or, the Horrible option: he's just, like, this guy. Omnipotence + Zero Imagination: "Well, I could...go have sex with some...stuff? And then break some stuff. Yeah!"
Zeus: Secretly Lame
Zeus as "The Dude" :lulz:
NICE! Keep 'em coming, Richter!
I like the horrible pervert option, its not that he doesn't love Hera, she just isn't into any of that freaky shit mortal women are.
I mean, she wouldn't even try sex with a goose.
Quote from: Luna on February 15, 2011, 08:20:50 PM
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 08:17:28 PM
Already been done. The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.
Not a huge stretch, anyway. Seems like he spent all his time sneaking around Hera's back.
Can't really blame him for that though, Hera must be totally no fun to be around. Permanently pre-menstrual, and not really very bright, she nags and whines at Zeus for every little thing. He does well, and humours her like a bratty child for the most part. And jealous? Much? Zeus can't so much as look at any other Woman without her nagging!
"I saw you staring at Aphrodite's tits this morning!" She'd moan, "What'swrong with my tits?" And there's no real answer to that one.
Well, there is.
But in the interest of a harmonious Olympus Zeus didn't say "They have the rest of you attached to them" Instead, he'd just go down to some Nymph's Grove first chance he'd get. Hera would sit there fuming until he got back.
She wasn't really much of a one for having friends either. She didn't trust any of the other Goddesses, in case Zeus was boffing them, and that was fine, because they all thought she was a bitter old bitch. So she'd content herself by raining curses and bad luck down on any woman she suspected Zeus of boffing. He was the Thunderer, the mighty King of the Olympians,
tiptoing around on Earth every time he fancied bit of 'strange'. Hera would even try to kill any progeny they had. She had really big self esteem issues
that just made her worse. Bullying grudge holding beyhatchio. Horrid creature. But those Brother/Sister relationships seem to always be a bad scenario. Serves 'em right anyway
Quote from: Requia ☣ on February 15, 2011, 09:55:02 PM
I like the horrible pervert option, its not that he doesn't love Hera, she just isn't into any of that freaky shit mortal women are.
I mean, she wouldn't even try sex with a goose.
EXACTLY :mrgreen: He's jsut thrilled by his own omnipotence and jsut wants his sexuality to expand to make use of it. In almost a Baptist take on god, he wants to "love" everything. Hard. Every way possible.
Quote from: BadBeast on February 15, 2011, 09:55:31 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 15, 2011, 08:20:50 PM
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 08:17:28 PM
Already been done. The author of the "Codespell" books wrote Zeus as the eternal frat boy.
Not a huge stretch, anyway. Seems like he spent all his time sneaking around Hera's back.
Can't really blame him for that though, Hera must be totally no fun to be around. Permanently pre-menstrual, and not really very bright, she nags and whines at Zeus for every little thing. He does well, and humours her like a bratty child for the most part. And jealous? Much? Zeus can't so much as look at any other Woman without her nagging!
"I saw you staring at Aphrodite's tits this morning!" She'd moan, "What'swrong with my tits?" And there's no real answer to that one.
Well, there is.
But in the interest of a harmonious Olympus Zeus didn't say "They have the rest of you attached to them" Instead, he'd just go down to some Nymph's Grove first chance he'd get. Hera would sit there fuming until he got back.
She wasn't really much of a one for having friends either. She didn't trust any of the other Goddesses, in case Zeus was boffing them, and that was fine, because they all thought she was a bitter old bitch. So she'd content herself by raining curses and bad luck down on any woman she suspected Zeus of boffing. He was the Thunderer, the mighty King of the Olympians,
tiptoing around on Earth every time he fancied bit of 'strange'. Hera would even try to kill any progeny they had. She had really big self esteem issues
that just made her worse. Bullying grudge holding beyhatchio. Horrid creature. But those Brother/Sister relationships seem to always be a bad scenario. Serves 'em right anyway
Somewhere in the myths they say there is a spring that restores the god's virginity. Aphrodite uses it daily (fucking ow.) but Hera only goes to it once a year. Kind of asserts their "frequency" as it were.
Who knows though. They're in it for a freaking eternity, or until their own children eat and kill them, so who can blame them for taking it slow. Maybe the whole "sleeping around as animals getting mad at each other" was some sort of bizarre millenia - long cosmic swinger foreplay.
Fucking perfect, but this is my favorite part:
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 06:01:28 PM
Eris wasn't in on this, but I guarantee she watched it on youtube later in a filthy bathrobe drinking a beer and likely touchning herself while cackling evilly.
Just giving the people what they want.
Quote from: BadBeast on February 15, 2011, 09:55:31 PMShe had really big self esteem issues
Not sure it was her fault, I've always found it implied that she was also the goddess of the "the jealous vindictive wife", so it was part of her trope to be that way.
I really feel sorry for the few Greek gods and goddesses who weren't assholes. Hephaestus, Hestia, Hades (depending on which version of the Persephone myth you ascribe to), etc.
Being the only sane person in a houseful of psychopathic, hormonal teenagers. Who have infinite cosmic power.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on February 15, 2011, 10:28:44 PM
I really feel sorry for the few Greek gods and goddesses who weren't assholes. Hephaestus, Hestia, Hades (depending on which version of the Persephone myth you ascribe to), etc.
Being the only sane person in a houseful of psychopathic, hormonal teenagers. Who have infinite cosmic power.
I thought Hephaestus tried to rape Pallas Athene?
QuoteI thought Hephaestus tried to rape Pallas Athene?
Maybe. Kind of like with Hades, think that one depends on the version. Nothing I've read mentions Hephaestus raping anyone, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
:mittens: to the OP
Richter, this is great, I look forward to the next in the series.... Tales of Discord????
Quote from: Hoopla on February 15, 2011, 10:21:33 PM
Quote from: BadBeast on February 15, 2011, 09:55:31 PMShe had really big self esteem issues
Not sure it was her fault, I've always found it implied that she was also the goddess of the "the jealous vindictive wife", so it was part of her trope to be that way.
Also as the Goddess of marriage, can you imagine what was being brought to her attention every day. Christ I would have killed someone.
In truth, Hera was a very important Goddess in her time. As well, she is said to have had her own share of affairs. I think the accusations of her tormenting Zeus's lovers is a bit exagerated. Hera was the "mature" one in that relationship. I'm not saying she wasn't a complete bitch, I'm just saying there was reason for it yanno?
I tend to agree with the "Zeus as a perpetual frat boy" persona.....
Pan is cool too. Doesn't get involved with the Hilltoppers much. Older too, and probably a match for any of them. A better Musician the golden boy, spoiled Apollo, and could fuck Nymphs all through Artemis's Holy Groves, where even Zeus dare not go without disguise. Pan was the goatfoot God of the Arcadian Shepherds, and taught hem Animal Husbandry, BeeKeeping, and was revered from the Balkans, to Egypt, from Thessaly, to Boetia. His Parentage is open to debate, but Zeus claimed him as a Foster Brother. He ensured victory to the Olympians against the Titans, by spreading Panic among them as they came to attack Olympus. The rumours of his death were exaggerated, as he was the model for the Christian's Satan, and spent many nights, fornicating with Medieval Witches, by all accounts.
Quote from: BadBeast on February 15, 2011, 10:42:22 PM
Pan is cool too. Doesn't get involved with the Hilltoppers much. Older too, and probably a match for any of them. A better Musician the golden boy, spoiled Apollo, and could fuck Nymphs all through Artemis's Holy Groves, where even Zeus dare not go without disguise. Pan was the goatfoot God of the Arcadian Shepherds, and taught hem Animal Husbandry, BeeKeeping, and was revered from the Balkans, to Egypt, from Thessaly, to Boetia. His Parentage is open to debate, but Zeus claimed him as a Foster Brother. He ensured victory to the Olympians against the Titans, by spreading Panic among them as they came to attack Olympus. The rumours of his death were exaggerated, as he was the model for the Christian's Satan, and spent many nights, fornicating with Medieval Witches, by all accounts.
Sounds a lot like Loki
Both were tricksters. In Shinto mythology it was Susanoo, in Chinese myth Sun Wukong. Almost every mythology has a trickster figure, someone who, depending on the culture's views on cunning and rebellion, are either villain or folk hero.
Pan is also the Keeper of The Fear™. The Fear™ that turns your bowels to water, and your blood to ice. Evolution still hasn't come up with a neurotransmitter that can override The Fear™.
You know you hear tales about people who took some Acid, way back in 1967 or some when, whose minds just cracked, and they never came back?
Who are still dribbling Lunatics, tucked away, even now, in the back rooms of Secure Psychiatric Institutions? Well, that's what can happen if you approach him with the wrong attitude. Acid doesn't do that, but Pan does. Has done for millennia, well known for it, he is. In this guise, he is the Opener, the Psychopomp, who guided the ancient Shamans in their vision quests. And some of them didn't come back either.
The earliest art, scratched on the walls of caves from the late Paleoithic often depict a figure with horns, and hoofs, watching over the scenes of Hunting and bestiality that seemed to be the theme of the day. So he may even be the first of the Gods of men, the initiator, who brought mastery over the beasts. I wouldn't be surprised if he was.
True with trickster. Even NA legends have Coyote, Mockingbird etc..
They should go union. All of the pantheons combined....
Oh hell can you imagine? The deity as major fortune 500 companies. The memos alone...
Oh I have an idea.
QuoteOh I have an idea.
Hmm? What is it you have in mind.
I think I had the same Idea too.
ETA, (Trickster Inc. partnership?)
Quote from: Khara on February 16, 2011, 12:02:39 AM
True with trickster. Even NA legends have Coyote, Mockingbird etc..
They should go union. All of the pantheons combined....
Oh hell can you imagine? The deity as major fortune 500 companies. The memos alone...
Oh I have an idea.
I think I just shat myself.
Coyote seems to be amused.
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 09:15:54 PM
- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic. The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
*cough
Ganymedecough* :ninja:
Quote from: Doktor Phox on February 16, 2011, 01:36:49 AM
Quote from: Richter on February 15, 2011, 09:15:54 PM
- Mostly relaxed and reasonable, but serverely homophobic. The exploits are all about proving his "manliness"
*coughGanymedecough* :ninja:
Unrepentant pervert, just saying.
HOLYSHIT! AWESOME.
*sigh*
(http://images1.memegenerator.net/ImageMacro/5839126/The-Arachne-myth-is-totally-Roman-NOT-Greek-.jpg?imageSize=Medium&generatorName=Hipster-Ariel)