I've been reading a lot of Wikipedia lately, which means I must have at least the equivalent of a few different kinds of PhD's in American History. So I am now fully qualified to be an authority of American History, and to offer insightful and unique predictions for what the future of America might hold.
PART ONE: AMERICAN HISTORY FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE CIVIL WAR
In 1776 a bunch of guys decided the King of England was an asshole for demanding too much money in taxes andfor doing a bunch of other shit (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_were_the_list_of_grievances_in_the_declaration_of_independence), so they incited The People (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&biw=1366&bih=671&gbv=2&tbs=isch%3A1&sa=1&q=your+average+walmart+shopper&aq=f&aqi=g3g-m7&aql=&oq=) to rise up against their tea-drinking overlords and establish a nation based (allegedly) on Freedom™ and Equality™, except for women and black people, of course.
This worked out for a while until the leaders of the new nation decided all that Freedom and Equality was cramping their style (probably a new affinity for fine British tea or something), so in 1787 they threw out the original founding documents and ratified The Constitution instead. They threw in a few token "we're not after your firstborn or anything" amendments (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Bill_of_Rights) for appearances, but more or less it was a document that says "LOL actually you're ruled from DC, and the term State is a formality. Deal with it." They did have good penmanship back then, though, so most people thought it was a good enough set of rules.
Things worked out better this time, and despite a few incidents like those pesky Brits trying to take the country back in 1812, America was off to a decent start. Then, of course, a bunch of uppity Northerners decided to start clamoring for outrageous acts of oppression against the decent people of the South, like abolishing slavery and making new American territories slave-free. This really pissed people off, especially the DEMOCRATS (http://www.democrats.org), who were mostly from the South and really like their slaves.
We were about to go to civil war, but then some shit happened in Texas and we had to have a war with Mexico first. When that was done, we had taken pretty much all the territory now comprising the Continental US not included in the Louisiana Purchase. So now there was twice as much unsettled territory for us to fight about slavery in. So then we really did have a Civil War, and it was great fun (http://www.google.com/images?q=american+civil+war+deaths&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1366&bih=671).
In my highly educated and authoritative opinion, the Civil War is the most important event (so far!) in American History. It is from the Civil War that we Americans learned many of our time-honored traditions and values:
- When somebody disagrees with you, threaten to (or actually do) kill them.
- The national government telling you to treat people fairly and equally is OPPRESSION.
- States should be allowed to pass whatever laws and disenfranchise whoever they damn well please.
- The South is the seat of moral authority.
That's the end of lesson 1. Homework assignment: Write an essay on the following topic: What would America be like today if the progressive NORTH had won the war?
Assignment 1:
Uh, they kinda did. The Radical Republicans are responsible for the 13th and 14th amendments. If they hadn't been shoved through, the Civil Rights movement would a) never have happened or b) would just be getting started in the 60s and 70s and we'd be getting to the bloody point right about now.
However, had the Progressive North actually stuck to their guns instead of getting distracted, I suspect de facto voting rights would have been extended to a much larger group earlier.
So, Obama might'nt have been our first Black president, women's rights would have started a bit earlier (Civil and Women's Rights most of the time intertwined) and there'd be fewer pictures of the macabre lynching carnivals floating around. I suspect that the South would still be, more or less, like it is today but the Southern Strategy probably wouldn't have happened, so Democrats would possibly still be the white man's party and I dunno about the Republicans. I'd have to do research to figure that out, but it's late and I'm tired. So tomorrow.
As you are probably no doubt aware, Vex, the Republican Party is almost entirely a Southern-run party now, with a few token Mid-Western fundamentalists and North Coast aristocrats to add flavour.
This explains much of their current mentality.
I refuse to acknowledge any version of American history that doesn't frequently point out that John Hancock was the Han Solo of the 18th century.
Quote from: Cain on March 06, 2011, 12:29:57 PM
As you are probably no doubt aware, Vex, the Republican Party is almost entirely a Southern-run party now, with a few token Mid-Western fundamentalists and North Coast aristocrats to add flavour.
This explains much of their current mentality.
THIS!!!
Yeah.... the whole conclusion was tongue in cheek. I thought that was going to be obvious.... o well.
The democrats and republicans have traded sides, but the sides they rrepresent are the same factions that fought the civil war. Basically CW2 will be fought between Walmart shoppers and Target shoppers.
It was obvious to me. I got a chortle out of it.
I wasn't sure. *shrug*
Quote from: postvex™ on March 06, 2011, 05:56:41 PM
Yeah.... the whole conclusion was tongue in cheek. I thought that was going to be obvious.... o well.
The democrats and republicans have traded sides, but the sides they rrepresent are the same factions that fought the civil war. Basically CW2 will be fought between Walmart shoppers and Target shoppers.
Yep.
:lulz:
Good stuff, Vex.
Quote from: postvex™ on March 06, 2011, 05:56:41 PM
Yeah.... the whole conclusion was tongue in cheek. I thought that was going to be obvious.... o well.
The democrats and republicans have traded sides, but the sides they rrepresent are the same factions that fought the civil war. Basically CW2 will be fought between Walmart shoppers and Target shoppers.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: