We got your future, right here. All the future you can choke on. All the future YOU demanded, bigger and better, delivered before you even order it! Who are we?
We're the retro-pulp people. Some of you may have noticed that the future is beginning to look disturbingly like pulp novels and comics from the 1920s. That's no accident! Pain rays, killer robots, mind control, torture chambers, drug conspiracies, shadowy bad guys, everything just like you wanted it, faster and more efficient...and more REAL! Sure, the bad guys aren't mustachioed Chinese freaks or Nazis, but our governments and corporations do a better job, on a lower bid! Who are we?
We're the Animal Farm people, growing a bumper crop of George Orwell's nightmares, just for you! Whether you're interested in giant, faceless collectives, or an all-controlling government, we have a program that suits you! How, you may ask, can we bring you all this future at yesterday's prices?
Simple. We use the technology of tomorrow on the monkeys of 200,000 years ago, to make your grandest nightmares into tomorrow's reality! This allows us to keep you AND our stockholders happy! And isn't that we all want? Happy stockholders? Sure, it's what the American Dream™ is all about! Who are we?
We're the "They" people. You've heard of our brand name, everywhere you go! "They'll get you.", "They'll hear you talking.", "They took Joey away, and his wife and kids, too!" Sound familiar? It will! And you wouldn't have it any other way.
Our marketing experts have pored over the data, and we've adapted our business model to give you, the consumer, what it is you're looking for. Nice Things™, White neighborhoods, paralyzing anxiety, and fear! Sound weird? Naw! Who doesn't like a scary movie? We all do...And now you can LIVE in that scary movie, with our patented Reality Distortion™ technique, by which we make the normal, workaday world into the sort of horror show you've always wanted. Who are we?
We're the window people. We look through your windows, to make sure nothing dangerous is happening. Oh, we know YOU aren't doing anything filthy dirty, but you know at least one of your neighbors is, and we have always believed in being fair! Who can complain about that?
We've even brought the window out of your house! You can have it anywhere, now! In your airports, on your streets, at every traffic light...There's nowhere smudgy terrorists can hide, and nowhere you'd WANT to hide, because you aren't like them. You want things shiny new bright happy better faster NOW, unlike those people walking. We're against them. Who are we?
We're the YOU people. We're you. Because you wouldn't have it any other way.
Or Kill Us.
I needs vomit with glee and terror.
Oh yes.
"I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past." -Brag of the SubGenius
You bitched and moaned for the future, and now the market has finally become primed to sell it to you.
You answer the door, and YOU'RE out there, with a display case and a pipe in your mouth.
:lulz:
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.
That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.
Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.
That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.
ooooooooooooohhhhh
Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.
That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.
Fucking news feed.
Quote from: Charley Brown on April 05, 2011, 06:50:48 PM
Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.
That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.
Fucking news feed.
Done.
:mittens: NICE
This is good fucking shit.
High-calibre writing, in this thread.
The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Sir or Madam:
I'm writing to you with a very serious complaint. I had contacted your company about renovating a room or two and redoing a couple of things to get the house ready to sell. You never once returned my calls. It's a very nice neighborhood and houses are still moving. I just have no need for a 5 bedroom house anymore with it being just me and my husband since the kids are in college.
When I came home from work a month ago, my husband of 37 years asked me for a divorce. He told me he had found someone new and she completed him, made him happy. When I asked how he had met her, he handed me your card as he walked out the door.
When I came home from work two weeks ago everything in my house had been replaced with shiny new stuff. On top of that there was a new family living in my house. They are a very nice family, they have 3 children, one of whom was horribly maimed in a strange combine accident and has no arms or legs anymore. They are lovely, but when I asked them why they were in my home they gave me your card.
So to have a place to stay, I rented a room at the local Hilton. It's a wonderful hotel and the room service is just lovely. The kind of place you really want to spend your honeymoon or at least share with a special friend. I've been calling and leaving messages for your company since I moved in here. Then last week, I opened the room door and my husband was in the bed banging his little chippy. When I asked how he even knew I was there he gave me your card.
Needless to say, I changed hotels immediately. The Marriott is nice. Business class so it's very utilitarian, just what I need to keep my head straight. Again, I have been leaving messages for your company. I want my house back. I want a place my children can come visit when they come home from college on break. I have tow and both are political science majors. I have every hope that one or both of them will be president some day once the teabag party is officially recognized. Then two days ago, I open the door to my hotel room and both of my children are in the room reading these terrible subversive books called the Principia Discordia and the Book of the Sub Genius. They both announced they were changing their majors. One to Chaos theory and the other to something called slack. When I asked where this all had come from, they handed me your card.
Again, I had to change hotels. The Best Western is nice. It has a bed and a bathroom. I have again left several messages for your company. This is getting ridiculous, I want my husband and my house and my life back.
Your immediate response is necessary to avoid my contacting the Better Business Bureau and the police. That you have done is criminal
Sincerely,
Mrs. Agnes Brubaker
Best Western Motel
The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Ms. Brubaker;
On behalf of The Y, LLC I am giving you an official notice that any further contact will be considered harassment and we will press charges.
The Y is not in the habit of dealing directly with the people we help. We help others to help you. We have never had direct contact with our clients and do not intend to start doing so.
In each instance you have been handed our card, it was a situation where we knew what you truly wanted and just made it happen. This is the way we work.
Contacting the BBB or any law enforcement will only cause you more distress than you seem to be having, but if you wish, please feel free to do so.
In the meantime, we need you to be at your former neighbor's home tomorrow morning. You will need to wear the enclosed Teddy and heels. The appointment to dye your hair is this afternoon at 3:00. Go to your old neighbor's house and climb into her bed. The one who lives two houses down from you, you remember, the one you said was addicted to botox. Any activities you engage in while there with her new 30 year old boy toy are your decision and for your own enjoyment. When she comes home, just hand her the enclosed card. The enclosed money should cover any expenses you may have as well as allow you a nice holiday for your troubles.
Have a wonderful day.
Sincerely,
Curly TheMan
CEO and Founder of The Y, LLC
:lulz::potd::mittens:
That was fucking AWESOME!
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 06, 2011, 07:45:01 PM
:lulz::potd::mittens:
That was fucking AWESOME!
Just a few sprinkles on a cake you baked my friend. But it felt good.... :lulz:
Damn Kahra, just damn.
Quote from: Charley Brown on April 06, 2011, 09:59:05 PM
Damn Kahra, just damn.
:wink: Sometimes I surprise even me... :lulz:
Sprinkles? Hell no, those two posts were the icing. Awesome. :mittens:
The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
MEMORANDUM - April 7, 2011 – For Immediate Distribution – Standard read and destroy protocol.
TO: All Staff
FROM: Curly TheMan, CEO
RE: Glenn Beck
I want to know who dropped the ball? I mean honestly people, I think I handled the drop in ratings very well. Was I not understanding? Do you not all still have gainful employment?
Then, when the ratings dropped a full 30% did I not give you all the means you needed to help Glenn get his act together? It was prime Columbian product people. Whose nose did it go up because it certainly didn't go up Glenn's.
Now I have to hear it on the fucking news that Glenn quit? Which one of you waste of space reps did not stop this? Do you not understand what Glenn has done for this company? Do you think all of you will continue having gainful employment with this company with Glenn off the air? Have you read the names of our stockholders?
Who else has fed into the American public's paranoia more? Who else has had thousands of people come to a rally about complete bullshit and carry the crowd? The books, the signing tours, the radio. Do you think Rush could do this? Really people? And don't even pipe in with Ann. She has been the greatest disappointment to me since Osama and don't even get me started on him. Someone might want to remind just how he got that house in the fucking Hamptons he's holed up in, fucking a new virgin every week. At least he's done enough drugs that he doesn't realize we've been reusing the same hookers for a couple of years now. Tell him to make a new fucking video and to have it put the fear of TheY into the people or else I'll pay him a personal visit.
I need a solution to this problem immediately or heads are going to fucking roll. I have a few thoughts on this, my first choice is of course Charlie Sheen, my only concern is how long we can use him before he implodes. Next thought, Howard Stern, somebody remind that motherfucker how he got where he is and who he truly owes. The same goes for the Palin bitch and her offspring. Drop her a little love note from her Uncle Curly.
I want solutions people and I want them fucking yesterday.
Your benevolent leader,
Curly TheMan
CEO and Founder of The Y, LLC
The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
MEMORANDUM - April 7, 2011 – For Immediate Distribution – Standard read and destroy protocol.
TO: Accounting - Distribution
FROM: Curly TheMan, CEO
RE: SOP For GB and his replacement
Begin reposession procedure #5R immediately on both the house in CanCun and the villa in Provence. Stop all forwarding of royalty checks. Cancel all issued credit cards. Cancel all standing hooker appointments.
If there are any complaints, ask Mr. Beck to meet me in the Hampton's this weekend, I will give him 5 minutes to state his case. Forward me original copy of his soul contract. Confirm DNA in blood signature this time. Have backup at Osama's 24 hours beforehand. Operation accident on hold for my signal.
Have new book to Sheen within the hour. Put a nice gift from our Columbian friends in the basket. Standard VIP travel arrangements to meet with Sheen at Palin's 4th secure location Monday. In note to Sheen tell him "Winning" has been copywrited but we will gladly send him the royalty checks for that as well as for his new book. Have standard soul contract completed for Sheen to me before I depart. No exit clause.
Send Palin reminder of Monday meeting. Send her that limited production Gold Edition AK-74 rifle they made to commemorate both Mikhail Kalashnikov's 90th birthday and the 35th year of AK-74 production, that will shut her up.
Send a nice spring bouquet to Christine. Include some candles, incense and that Silver Ravenwolf crap my niece left at the condo. On the note just "I'll get you my pretty." no name.
CT
Quote from: RogerWe're the retro-pulp people. Some of you may have noticed that the future is beginning to look disturbingly like pulp novels and comics from the 1920s. That's no accident! Pain rays, killer robots, mind control, torture chambers, drug conspiracies, shadowy bad guys, everything just like you wanted it, faster and more efficient...and more REAL! Sure, the bad guys aren't mustachioed Chinese freaks or Nazis, but our governments and corporations do a better job, on a lower bid! Who are we?
Thanks. I'm going to need to remember this, a lot, when I'm going to work for that fringe magazine.
The rest of the piece was amazing as well but I needed to read the above quoted part.
And Khara, WOW, I haven't read the last two yet, but those were FUCKING BRILLIANT, loved them!!