The first time I disappointed my dad was the day I was born. Well. Really, the first time was one month before I was born, as I was thirty days late. But we're keeping this simple.
I disappointed him by coming out with girl parts as opposed to the boy parts the doctor assured him I would possess. I continue to disappoint him to this day because of this fact.
I disappointed my mother, for the first time, shortly after birth when at a very young age I refused to be her fucking dress-up dolly and picked out my own clothes. She continues to be disappointed in me for this reason.
Every time I got into a fight at school or failed to be popular in some area, I got a lecture and a guilt trip and then got the shit beat out of me for making the family look bad.
Every time I told a teacher what was going on, they'd go drinking with my dad. I'd come home. Get a lecture and a guilt trip. Then get the shit beat out of me for making the family look bad.
When I refused to drop out of high school, get married to a pig farmer's son (who's family was friends with my family), and shit out kids - I did more than disappoint. I spat in the faces of my entire father's family. And his family is huge.
I got grounded for skipping prom, despite the fact my parents drank their paychecks so there was no money for a dress or any of that shit.
When I went to college - more disappointment and pissed off-ness.
When I left college and took off for Iowa because I was going psychotic between my failures to adapt to normal society and daily phone calls from my mother saying she was going to kill herself if I didn't come home, that was another shit storm.
And since I've refused to go back for more than a week or so every five years, I am the anti-christ.
I have dealt with more shit in my life than someone like you has ever fucking known existed. Name the abuse, I've lived it.
I'm not playing a game here, I'm not doing the woe-is-me, I'm so pitiful, shower sympathy on me and make your Queen.
Fuck that. Fuck you. Fall over and die in a fire.
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
Being called on your bullshit works wonders for increasing your ability to find your big girl panties, put them on, and get over it. Really. I'm not just a member, I'm also a client.
TL;DR - I am saying:
1.) You are not a special snowflake.
2.) There is no fucking fairy godmother coming to deliver you from the trials of participating as a functioning member of society.
3.) You cannot be damaged, flawed, and helpless AND be perfect in every possible aspect at the same time.
4.) Shut the fuck up. Get over yourself. Get some fucking therapy.
OR KILL ME.
Well said.
As bad as all that is, it would be worse to go through life without your obvious merits. Their impediments and trials might be molehills to your mountains, but you might be a yeti unto an ant. You're just plain better than them, what now?
You'd be surprised at how well ants can cope.
Some people would just plain wallow in their issues, no matter how small, than put on their big girl panties and DEAL. We all do it... God knows I've had my fill of my OWN wallowing in my own misery over the past year or so. It's deciding to get up off the floor, stop leaning on everyone else, and deal with your own shit that makes you an actual human being.
Wow. Just blowing off some steam?
Was a good rant, in any case.
8/10, would read again.
Nicely done.
Very good, agree 100%.
Agreed.
Very well said, especially this:
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:55:14 AM
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
Being called on your bullshit works wonders for increasing your ability to find your big girl panties, put them on, and get over it. Really. I'm not just a member, I'm also a client.
Quote from: Slyph on April 12, 2011, 11:36:42 AM
As bad as all that is, it would be worse to go through life without your obvious merits. Their impediments and trials might be molehills to your mountains, but you might be a yeti unto an ant. You're just plain better than them, what now?
Yeah, I was kinda hoping to avoid the "my life sucks worse than yours" vibe. I was hoping to keep it more at a "I've been there too" feeling. But I got rolling and lost the reins a little bit. :S
I think assuming people are incapable of growing and moving past their bullshit, unless they have some sort of mental incapacity, is insulting and/or enabling.
At the very least, exploring their ticks and quirks might help them understand themselves better instead of feeling so confused and out of place all the time.
Thanks, y'all.
I liked it.
Had no idea you were a girl until now. :lulz:
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on April 13, 2011, 12:48:54 AM
I liked it.
Had no idea you were a girl until now. :lulz:
I get that a lot. Gender dysphoria is strong within me. I get mistaken for a guy on the phone as well.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:38:14 PM
Quote from: Slyph on April 12, 2011, 11:36:42 AM
As bad as all that is, it would be worse to go through life without your obvious merits. Their impediments and trials might be molehills to your mountains, but you might be a yeti unto an ant. You're just plain better than them, what now?
Yeah, I was kinda hoping to avoid the "my life sucks worse than yours" vibe. I was hoping to keep it more at a "I've been there too" feeling. But I got rolling and lost the reins a little bit. :S
I think assuming people are incapable of growing and moving past their bullshit, unless they have some sort of mental incapacity, is insulting and/or enabling.
At the very least, exploring their ticks and quirks might help them understand themselves better instead of feeling so confused and out of place all the time.
...I've been recently told, by my old man, no less, who before he went to prison was a HORRIBLE control freak when it came to those around him (esp those he loved):
YOU CAN'T SAVE 'EM ALL.
This was on the heels of being told by my younger brother it would've been "better for our relationship" if I'd have LIED to his ass and blamed my husband for things I said no to. Instead of, you know, telling the Horrible Truth
TM and sticking to it.
Part of me agrees. Part of me sees how trying to stay on top of the wreckage of what's going down around me can cost me. And then part of me also sees that I don't want to surround myself with fuckers who tell me it's better to LIE and throw my husband under the bus than deal honestly and be able to look at myself in the mirror.
...where was I going with this? I don't know.
Oh and I really like the OP.
Thanks Jenne. Life is fucked up and sometimes we don't get to choose who we're surrounded by. Especially when it comes to family. I picked honesty and being able to look in the mirror over catering to bullshit too, in that regard. There's a club for people like that and we're in it.
Troof: gets lonely as you get older, I have to say. You get mega-respect, but not a whole helluvalot of intimacy!
Quote from: Jenne on April 13, 2011, 08:01:13 PM
Troof: gets lonely as you get older, I have to say. You get mega-respect, but not a whole helluvalot of intimacy!
You just gotta find the right crowd to hang with.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:55:14 AM
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
:mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens:
Quote from: Unqualified on April 14, 2011, 05:24:14 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:55:14 AM
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
:mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens:
Is that good or bad?
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 14, 2011, 05:25:12 AM
Quote from: Unqualified on April 14, 2011, 05:24:14 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:55:14 AM
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
:mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens:
Is that good or bad?
It's good. Very good. Fuckmittens mean "fuck yeah" in my book.
Quote from: Unqualified on April 14, 2011, 05:58:51 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 14, 2011, 05:25:12 AM
Quote from: Unqualified on April 14, 2011, 05:24:14 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 12, 2011, 07:55:14 AM
I am telling you this because I will not stop calling you on your bullshit every fucking time you try to guilt trip, bully, or emotionally blackmail someone and hold them hostage for your amusement. I will not stop telling you when you are lying, when you are using your 'damage' to get something you want. I can see your game. I know you are playing. Your trauma can be real. Your crazy can be real. I'm not calling you a fake.
:mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens: :mittens: :fuckmittens:
Is that good or bad?
It's good. Very good. Fuckmittens mean "fuck yeah" in my book.
Skippy! Thanks. :)
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 14, 2011, 05:09:31 AM
Quote from: Jenne on April 13, 2011, 08:01:13 PM
Troof: gets lonely as you get older, I have to say. You get mega-respect, but not a whole helluvalot of intimacy!
You just gotta find the right crowd to hang with.
Yeah THAT gets trickier, too. :lulz: But not impossible.
Nice rant.
Quote from: Jenne on April 15, 2011, 03:42:59 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 14, 2011, 05:09:31 AM
Quote from: Jenne on April 13, 2011, 08:01:13 PM
Troof: gets lonely as you get older, I have to say. You get mega-respect, but not a whole helluvalot of intimacy!
You just gotta find the right crowd to hang with.
Yeah THAT gets trickier, too. :lulz: But not impossible.
Definitely not impossible. :D
I moved 1600 miles away from any known family, with deliberate attempt. Not one of them know how to find me and none know I have changed my last name. Kids not included in this.
I check in once a decade.
Good rant.
Nice rant.
It depends on how you look at it but I presume I'm lucky. Other than my 3 sisters the rest of my family are either literally dead or I'm dead to them. Keeps the cost down on xmas cards and such.
Quote from: Charley Brown on April 15, 2011, 04:14:42 PM
I moved 1600 miles away from any known family, with deliberate attempt. Not one of them know how to find me and none know I have changed my last name. Kids not included in this.
I check in once a decade.
I'm fixing to change my name. I'd like to change it right before I leave Georgia and move to another state. But I wanted to do that before I left Iowa and it didn't work out that way. :P I should just do it and get it over with.
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 04:50:40 PM
Nice rant.
It depends on how you look at it but I presume I'm lucky. Other than my 3 sisters the rest of my family are either literally dead or I'm dead to them. Keeps the cost down on xmas cards and such.
I have three brothers. And I'm dead to them. The only one I really acknowledge at all is my mom. It does make dealing with the crazy easier.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 15, 2011, 08:00:38 PM
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 04:50:40 PM
Nice rant.
It depends on how you look at it but I presume I'm lucky. Other than my 3 sisters the rest of my family are either literally dead or I'm dead to them. Keeps the cost down on xmas cards and such.
I have three brothers. And I'm dead to them. The only one I really acknowledge at all is my mom. It does make dealing with the crazy easier.
I'm 13th of 14 in the US. We don't have a lot to do with the two in Cambodia or the one in Thailand.
Quote from: Charley Brown on April 15, 2011, 04:14:42 PM
I moved 1600 miles away from any known family, with deliberate attempt. Not one of them know how to find me and none know I have changed my last name. Kids not included in this.
I check in once a decade.
This.
When I realized that no matter how hard I tried or what I did I'd never be good enough in the eyes of my parents, I stopped trying to do anything solely to try to please them. I figured there were two options for me: I could either become apathetic or break crazy. And I care too much about myself and too little about others to develop a neurosis over what someone thinks of me.
Anyways, I love what you wrote, Cardinal. Great job. I can't wait to read more from you. :)
Great slice of Pizza, and well set out. This has just the right amount of whiny boo-hoo in it to work.
Exactly none. So many people spend their lives either trying to live up to the unreasonable expectations of fucked up family members, and (of course) failing heroically, or complete and utter rejection and denial of ever knowing that they exist at all. In the first instance, people end up thinking their only talent is to forever fall short of the mark, and somehow, over time this gets sublimated as "Their Fault". Result? The family whipping boy. Scapegoat for all the fucked up shit in the family, and duty sibling for whenever something needs doing, but nobody else can be arsed to do it. (It then becomes one more thing that they are shit at)
Second scenario, is just as bad. You cannot spend forever denying where you came from. Your origins and family can be the most aberrational fucknuggets evar, but to move on, and find some stable piece of ground to build a proper worthy life for yourself, you need to say "Okay, it's been a shitty hand so far, but they're my cards, and I don't get another deal, so I'll play these as best I can."
Family origin and functionality is only one of the cards in your hand. Chuck it away, and you can never get a Full House, or a Flush, or a Straight. a Pair. Three of a kind if you're lucky.
You need to acknowledge all of the cards to play.
And you seem to have a reasonably playable hand here. You have firm enough footing to look at your family and say "Fuckin' ell, There but for the grace of ****( insert noun o choice) could be still me" and do the "family" Cards, or forced a smiles once in a bluey, without getting emotionally tangled up in more pointless sepsis. This is a real achievement IMO, I reckon 90% of familial refugees fall into the first two instances, because they would just buckle down, suck it up and never look upwards again.
My Mother had 3 almost full term stillbirths before I came along, so through no real fault of her's, I became the light of the world. All through school, the expectations that I would become the light of every one else's world too were incrementally heaped upon me. Until I realized I couldn't reach the bar, unless I hacked bits off myself to use as a ladder. "Fuck that", I decided, and started doing just the minimum could scrape by on. Easy for someone of such staggering intelligence as me. This modesty, added to my My towering intellect meant that I took the decision to leave school at 15, and doss about doing fuck all, getting wasted, shagging around like a dog with two dicks, and generally being a pain in the arse to all who had the misfortune to have to deal with me. Result? Years of impoverished squat dwelling, drug dealing, petty criminality, absolutely no work ethic whatsoever, and the (never ever spoken) disappointment of a doting Mother, at her wits end, and thinking she had 'failed' me in some way. What a tosser I turned out to be.
"Hello, Ma, look at me, I'm a anurchist!"
Reality check at 24. Homeless, pregnant GF, Time to jump back in the system. Easy, thinks I. What a fucking twat. I'd pretty much burned every bridge I had. That's OK I thought. I can swim, and the water's shallow. But fuck, I did the best I could, got work, a home sorted for us, patched over some familial issues, and found out that the 'disappointment' I caused to my Mother wasn't exactly like I had thought. Oh, it was there, but fuckin' ell, I was disappointing! But it had taken on disproportionate magnitude in my febrile and inventively self deceptive mind, and was mostly not there at all. So could stop my act of "never being the son she had hoped for" and just get on with being one of the sons she had ended up with. That was loads easier!
It was nice to get all that sorted out before she died, or I might have been left with unresolved issues! :roll: Anyway, I am what I are, & in some degree of control, and happy enough. Discovered that all this time, I had been self educating, and probably was as intelligent as Mum thought, and I thought I'd been pretending all this time. Fucking result! :x
but I'm hijacking your thread now, so erm,. . . that's it for now.
Again, great OP, and surprisingly balanced outlook considering it can't have been easy to get there.
QuoteDiscovered that all this time, I had been self educating, and probably was as intelligent as Mum thought, and I thought I'd been pretending all this time.
Imposter Syndrome is a hard one to get over. Good on you for making it!
Hijack or not, excellent post, BadBeast.
Thanks folks. Glad to get all that out before my browser crashed. (Just after I posted it) :)
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 08:30:18 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 15, 2011, 08:00:38 PM
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 04:50:40 PM
Nice rant.
It depends on how you look at it but I presume I'm lucky. Other than my 3 sisters the rest of my family are either literally dead or I'm dead to them. Keeps the cost down on xmas cards and such.
I have three brothers. And I'm dead to them. The only one I really acknowledge at all is my mom. It does make dealing with the crazy easier.
I'm 13th of 14 in the US. We don't have a lot to do with the two in Cambodia or the one in Thailand.
I'm 23 of 24. I was 22 of 23, then I found out that I have an older brother in Corvallis that my mom gave up for adoption.
Very nice post, BadBeast!
My family life was so far beyond dysfunctional it's ridiculous. :lulz: Alcoholic, bipolar, borderline mother... well, that kind of sums it up. Suffice it to say I had the run of the streets at age five, and all one might imagine that entailed.
Quote from: Nigel on April 17, 2011, 03:54:58 PM
Very nice post, BadBeast!
My family life was so far beyond dysfunctional it's ridiculous. :lulz: Alcoholic, bipolar, borderline mother... well, that kind of sums it up. Suffice it to say I had the run of the streets at age five, and all one might imagine that entailed.
I was going to say that you're remarkably well adjusted and centered despite this, but you know that anyway. This place is so full of exceptional people, who have have been through shitstorms I can't even begin to grasp, it's more full of win than Charlie Sheen's Tiger blood! For "The worst forum on the net etc,. . ." PD.com is stuffed full of the best fucking people you could ever hope to find, if you set out a' lookin' for them.
Thanks!
I'm actually really working on stuff right now... I need to get back into therapy.
Nice post, BadBeast. Thanks for weighing in. I am glad you got to sort it all out with your mom before she died. That's something not too many take advantage of and then they regret it. Props for getting your shit together and sharing your awesome with us. :)
Quote from: Nigel on April 17, 2011, 03:50:34 PM
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 08:30:18 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 15, 2011, 08:00:38 PM
Quote from: Khara on April 15, 2011, 04:50:40 PM
Nice rant.
It depends on how you look at it but I presume I'm lucky. Other than my 3 sisters the rest of my family are either literally dead or I'm dead to them. Keeps the cost down on xmas cards and such.
I have three brothers. And I'm dead to them. The only one I really acknowledge at all is my mom. It does make dealing with the crazy easier.
I'm 13th of 14 in the US. We don't have a lot to do with the two in Cambodia or the one in Thailand.
I'm 23 of 24. I was 22 of 23, then I found out that I have an older brother in Corvallis that my mom gave up for adoption.
I don't know how you're counting. Siblings? Cousins? Family et. al. ? My mom is the oldest of six. Most of her siblings have had multiple marriages and at least a kid or two. Except the one that died when he was a teen or so.
My dad is the youngest of fifteen that lived, one girl died shortly after she was born. I have cousins with grandkids my age - who have their own kids. There's no way to count all the spawn they've shat out and I don't even want to try.
Siblings... there's no point in trying to count cousins, there are just too fucking many of them.
Dayum, girl. You must be keeping the greeting card industry in business all by yourself.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 08:00:23 PM
Dayum, girl. You must be keeping the greeting card industry in business all by yourself.
Every greeting card I send to a family member just says "fuck it".
Quote from: Nigel on April 18, 2011, 12:31:28 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 08:00:23 PM
Dayum, girl. You must be keeping the greeting card industry in business all by yourself.
Every greeting card I send to a family member just says "fuck it".
You make my heart go pity-pat.