Principia Discordia

Yesterday was a fun-filled day of angst and bullshit and stupid people disturbing my chi. So my girlfriend and I sauntered down to the Dollar Store that had just opened. She was in search of cheap candles and candy and picture frames. I was looking for something much more profound.

Peace of mind.

. . . Well, actually, cheap lulz.

BUT! What I found was priceless. If you ignore the price tag. Anyway.

First thing I noticed was that the store was clean. It smelled heavily of chemicals and fresh carpets and carcinogens but it was still clean. And quiet. There wasn't a screaming child in the place, unlike my store which had an out-of-tune orchestra of squalling crotch-spawn bellowing their discontent to anyone who would listen and a lot of people (including their parents) who wouldn't.

It was bliss for all of five seconds, before I noticed something disquieting.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo485.jpg)

In the Dollar Store, ducks are hollow and taste like milk. O.o

Turning away quickly, before curiosity woke up and started poking things with sticks, I saw this:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo491.jpg)

A Bible Heroes card game, which is played by the child standing on the adult's chest. Clearly this is a reference to David vs Goliath, where a ten-year-old took down the Patriarchy with an epic game of Memory. Like Pokemon, only with bible verses.

This was the tipping point. I started seeing God everywhere.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo477.jpg) . . . (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo479.jpg) . . . (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo478.jpg)

Because what sticker collection wouldn't be complete without an image of Christ on the Cross (and various other poses!) !?!? And these awesomely inspiring stickers came with their own sticker books.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo481.jpg)

Just slap a sticker over all the offending passages and keep what you want, with nifty pictures now included. Seriously, why didn't anyone think of this before? It saves red ink and makes the Bibles more appealing to look at.

And of course there were these:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo480.jpg)

What home office wouldn't be complete without the reminder that God is ready to accidentally all over your shit if you don't drop to your knees like a good little intern?

By then I was practically giggling as I pranced around this place, wondering how many other God-related goodies I could find. But I was distracted by candy.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo483.jpg) (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo484.jpg)

And some ultra trendy champagne glasses, fit for communion, wedding, or wake!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo488.jpg)

And then . . . then I realized that God was not the only holy spirit present within the Dollar Store. There were others. Amidst the party decorates I saw the first sign of something more (or less) than Godly.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo489.jpg)

TIKI?!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo490.jpg)

TIKI!!! The presence of Dark Empress Nigel was palpable. Like a gin and tonic mixed with the sweat of a thousand hipsters splashing against my face. Here, in Her other persona, she lured me deeper into the mysteries of Eris. Which apparently include a whole new style of trendy glasses, fit for wedding, wake, and/or drunken pool party-slash-holy day.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo486.jpg) (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo487.jpg)

My mind whirling, I turned to flee before my head exploded from the weight of this Knowledge. And. Then. I. Saw. The. Truth.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo482.jpg)

[/size]

Of course. It all makes so much sense now. THIS is why bitches are unaware of Nigel's tomahawks. Of Coyote's and Roger's tomahawks. Because they are fun and easy and all God-followers have are 'sentiment' plaques and shitty stickers.

I was enlightened.

Finished with me, having sucked the last of my brain juice through a faux bamboo straw inserted into my ear . . .

the store spat me out onto the sidewalk. Dazed, enlightened, and lighter $5 worth of glow-in-the-dark tomahawks, I wandered home to tell everyone about my discovery*.

_{But by the time I got home I was so tired and my knee hurt like such a wicked bitch - I fell asleep and had lots of weird nightmares and then I had work again to day so, you know. It had to wait until after THAT. But I am totally sharing it with you now so it counts 169% as preaching the Good Word, right?}

I fucking love Dollar Tree.

I worked in one of these places  :lol: such...special....customers

Quote from: Suu the Infallible on April 17, 2011, 02:00:54 AM
I fucking love Dollar Tree.

I am now a devotee. :D Just as soon as I get my paycheck, I'm getting more tomahawks.

Quote from: The Fred ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 17, 2011, 02:02:12 AM
I worked in one of these places  :lol: such...special....customers

I work at a craft store. My favorite part is when customers come up and ask me to find stuff for them. Then ask me if the price on the product is actually the price of the product.

SHIT NOW BITCHES KNOW ABOUT OUR TOMAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote from: Don Quixote on April 17, 2011, 02:10:07 AM
SHIT NOW BITCHES KNOW ABOUT OUR TOMAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a bit obvious when they glow.

The secret is out. And I had nothing to do with it. I expect a mass exodus to the dollar store and a huge shortage of glowing tomahawks within the week. :P

 :lulz: This thread is tits!

Your dark power is spreading, Nigel. But I have to ask. What's up with the milk-flavored ducks? Is that your doing or God's? :P

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 06:52:27 AM
Your dark power is spreading, Nigel. But I have to ask. What's up with the milk-flavored ducks? Is that your doing or God's? :P

It was a typo on the work order... it was supposed to be milk-flavored dildoes.

Quote from: Nigel on April 17, 2011, 07:36:51 AM

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 06:52:27 AM
Your dark power is spreading, Nigel. But I have to ask. What's up with the milk-flavored ducks? Is that your doing or God's? :P

It was a typo on the work order... it was supposed to be milk-flavored dildoes.

:lulz:

 :lulz: :lulz:

(http://img31.imageshack.us/img31/2150/duckdildoes.jpg)

sez YOU

Quote from: The Fred ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 17, 2011, 08:48:19 AM
sez YOU

:eek:

:lulz:

Also, the champagne glasses are exactly the opposite of what a champagne glass (called a "flute") is supposed to be shaped like.

HAHAHA, no shit!

Those are classic champagne coupes, also called champagne saucers... the flutes are a much better shape for champagne, but there's something very 30's-movie-star about drinking from a coupe. NOT A PLASTIC ONE THOUGH EW.

/requia

Man, now I want a milk-flavored dildo.

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 05:13:19 PM
Man, now I want a milk-flavored dildo.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 01:58:54 AM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/curiosity/Litter%20Box/Photo485.jpg)

Is it just me, or is the duck on the left missing a face?

I think he just got turned around in the package. Or someone removed his face to use him for a buttplug and then put him back.

I think those ducks need more Z̛̳̩̫̆ͫ̆̽ͮ͜Ą̵͕̯̩͈̝͙̰̜͌ͯ́ͥͫ͊̄̑L̢̗̜̘̱̳͉ͣͣͩ͟G̷͓̙̝͎͕̓͊͗͑̚͟͡Ô̤͇̟̟ͣ̔ͬ̏.

S̵ͧͧ̈́̉̆͛̑͏̱̹̭̤̬̲͈o̶̳͖̹̰̲̖ͫ͑̃̆͐̂̅̐̀͝ͅm̵͚̗̪̻̝͔͈ͦ͊̈͑ͯͮe̴̷̻̯͆́̋̉ͭ͂̆ͪo̒́̆̌̋̽̊̊͢͏̩̱͎n̙͈͎̝̤̋̓̕e͓̱͚̞̗̤͛͐̔ͧ͜ ̸̢̯͈̺̤̭̂̐ś̠̯̥̯̪̣̙͒̊̾̕͘h̺̘̮̖̠ͭͫ̊͢ö̧̥͙̬̻͖̔̄̐̚ư̱̬̦͐̍̈́ͯ̽̚l̨͙̹͉̤̲ͯ͛̄ͨd͗͋̒̆ͦ̌͑͏̸̵̻͇̞̳̫̱̮̙ ̢͓͎̖̗̦̳͒ͮͣ͌b̴̡̳͚͈͚͗̆ͫ̾͋̏͠ù̸̴̲̫̻̾ͧͯ̓̀̏ͩ̚͜ẙ̡̺̺̂͠ ̴̭̟̦̯̱̥̃ͪ̒͘a̺͕̯̻͔͑͂ͦ̋ͫͣ͛ͧ ͙̠̹͔̗͓̘̓̈́f̴̹̻̠͈͊͛̅͞e͈̯̜͇̖̪͔ͤͪ͋̋ͣ̊͂̕w̪͉̦̮̭͚̙̟̣͗̀̆ͭ̊̊̑ͤ͠,ͪͯ͐ͥͬ͛̍̄̓͏̝̦͔̕͝ ͓͎̥͈̘͚̮̿̈́̅̓͋ͨ͟͜Ż͉̥͓͚͖͚̊̾A͚̻͖̰̼̱͊ͩͯ̾̀͘Ļ̛̌͏̞̻G̐ͯ͌̾͏̱̻̟͕̦̭̬͠Ȯ͈̩̽͊͝ ̴̵̲̭̺̳̣̦ͬͨt͖͒ͫ̓̈̍͆͋͗́hͤͣͬ͒͏̯̫̩̗̬̰̞͜͠ẻ̪̤̒̍́͟m̲̲̺̳̣̻ͫ̋ͨͣ̄͐ͯ͟ ͦ̚҉̷̧͙̜̠̲̭o̴͂̐ͣ̾̃҉͚͔̮͝u̢͈̟̘̼̹͋̄͌̾͗ͥͪ͡t̢̺̻̼̩ͦ̀ͣͅ,̷̸̶̣͔͇̞̞͎̇̃̏̇̆̀̉͗̚ ̨̛̮͎̥̤͚̩̈̅̒͑ͦ̎̔ͅa̯̟̐ͩ̕ǹ̩̤̬͔ͧͯ̒̍͢d̶̯͙̜̿ͩ̏ͨ̓̎͂̓͜ ͕̅̒ͣ̌̈̽ͩ̀t̞̝͔̰͖̝̬̩͊̉̐̾̈̎ḩ̟̗̬̐̍͐̃e̮̹͋̐̿ͧ̑̿̉͒͐͢n͑̌̀͒҉̠̜͈̣̗̭ ̟̪̜͓͒̃̄̌̂̚ͅṛ̤͇̯͇̤̭̃͐͌̈͒̒e̳̜̜͖͇ͤͮp̝̜̳̯̻̓̀̑͒ͫl̝̮͇̺̜ͫͫͯͤͩ̋ͤȃ̝̟̪̠͙̝̃ͦ́̈́̚͢c̸̬̣͉͙͕̓ͭ͐͗͒͊͐͒ĕ̵̩̗͍̥̯̩̐ͫ́ ̸̸͎̝͓̂̈́̍̈́́t̵̡̅͌̂̀̿ͮ̈͏̭̯̥̞̤̗͚ẖ̢̡̙̙͈͎͗̆̆̅ͧ̃̚é͂̾ͨͬͣ͏͙̙̟̹̜̮̭̫̀m̰̩͍̠̺̩̤̻̓ͯ̅ͤ̑ͤ̓͒̒́.̸̘̤̱͔̩̦͚ͨͪ̊̃ͥ͗ͯ́͠

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 06:45:34 PM
I think he just got turned around in the package. Or someone removed his face to use him for a buttplug and then put him back.

:lulz: Fuck, you're on a roll today!

 :lulz: CPD: Making the internet more unsanitary since 1999.

HA--we have two kinds of dollar stores out here--Dollar Tree and 99C & more.  Both are fanfuckingstastic for some crazy shit.  I should take some pix of the one across from my mom and dad's apartment.  Total hilarity in that place.

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on April 17, 2011, 05:11:44 AM
The secret is out. And I had nothing to do with it. I expect a mass exodus to the dollar store and a huge shortage of glowing tomahawks within the week. :P

http://www.dollartree.com -- Order in bulk!

My wife and daughter love going to the Dollar Tree.

This, is yet again, another benefit of having a baby boy in the house.

The girls do the dollar tree, the boys stay home, far, far away from the evil dollar store. 

 :lulz:  This is exactly the kind of fuckery and amusement that should be had at the expense of retail establishments.  Well done sir.