Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM

Title: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM
Once there was a crown prince who decided to find a wife.  He talked to his aging father's vizier, who instructed him that a proper wife for a future king had to be the most refined princess available.

"How do I determine which princess fits the bill?", he asked.

"It's simple.  You put a pea under a stack of mattresses.  If she's the one, she'll feel it."

The prince thought this was a good idea, and had his brother help him stack the mattresses in the guest room.  Then he sent a messengers to all the other kingdoms, stating that he was hunting a marriage.

Now, the kingdom being a prosperous one, the prospective princesses lined right up.  While they were visiting, they were put in the mattress room to sleep.  For months, he would question each princess the next morning about how they slept.  And for months, they always said, "wonderfully".  These princesses were politely sent home.

One day, however, a beautiful, pale princess arrived.  After dinner, she was put to bed in the mattress room.  The next day, the  prince inquired as to how well she had slept.

"Terribly, I'm afraid.  There was some sort of lump in one of the mattresses."

The prince was ecstatic.  He had found his bride, and she was a looker, too. They were married by fall.  

Things went horribly wrong on the wedding night, however.  The prince had not considered just HOW sensitive a princess would have to be, to feel a pea through 12 mattresses.  The end result was that their consummation was so painful for her that she died midway through the act.

The prince was so horrified by what had just happened, and his obvious part in it, and went mad.  He was confined to the tallest tower in the palace, and forgotten.

His brother paid off the vizier, but then had him quietly suffocated with a pillow, to make sure he kept his mouth shut.  A year later, he married the daughter of the strongest neighboring king...A healthy lass, with perhaps an extra pound or two on her.  They produced many heirs, and in the fullness of time, the brother became king, and did a far better job of it than his foolish brother would have managed.

Moral of the story:  Ensure that the advice you take comes from a disinterested source.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Suu on May 11, 2011, 04:52:00 PM
Phew.

My Principality is secure because I can take hard dicking!
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: LMNO on May 11, 2011, 04:52:47 PM
Breaking news:  My pance just exploded.  Brb.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Suu on May 11, 2011, 04:53:22 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on May 11, 2011, 04:52:47 PM
Breaking news:  My pance just exploded.  Brb.

:lulz:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Freeky on May 11, 2011, 04:53:49 PM
That was a wonderful story!  
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Freeky on May 11, 2011, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:

I had no idea where he would go with it, and the ride, as I expected, was good. 8)
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:57:07 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and Tomahawks on May 11, 2011, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:

I had no idea where he would go with it, and the ride, as I expected, was good. 8)

[redacted]

I can not find a way to say that Roger is always a good ride without causing LMNO to go find yet another pair of pance.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Bebek Sincap Ratatosk on May 11, 2011, 04:59:19 PM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

:mittens:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on May 11, 2011, 05:03:28 PM
:mittens:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:35:18 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 11, 2011, 04:52:00 PM
Phew.

My Principality is secure because I can take hard dicking!

Thread turned over to Suu.

Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Suu on May 11, 2011, 05:36:43 PM
Wait...what?

I merely followed the advice of this fairy tale, I don't have my own tale to supplement!
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 11, 2011, 05:53:32 PM
That was an EXCELLENT story, and the best part was the "dude... of course! Why didn't I think of that!" aspect.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM


His brother paid off the vizier, but then had him quietly suffocated with a pillow, to make sure he kept his mouth shut.  A year later, he married the daughter of the strongest neighboring king...A health lass, with perhaps an extra pound or two on her.  They produced many heirs, and in the fullness of time, the brother became king, and did a far better job of it than his foolish brother would have.

Moral of the story:  Ensure that the advice you take comes from a disinterested source.


Typo alert!

Also :mittens: This so has "series" potential
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Disco Pickle on May 11, 2011, 05:56:36 PM
completely not how I saw this ending.  the moral was the best part, but the entirety of it is great.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: LMNO on May 11, 2011, 06:06:20 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.

I vote for continuation.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Suu on May 11, 2011, 06:07:13 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on May 11, 2011, 06:06:20 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.

I vote for continuation.

This.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Luna on May 11, 2011, 06:14:23 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.

If you've got 'em, I would like to see them!
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Eve Hill on May 11, 2011, 06:18:29 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 11, 2011, 06:07:13 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on May 11, 2011, 06:06:20 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.

I vote for continuation.

This.

I vote for it too. That was  :mittens: !
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Cain on May 11, 2011, 06:27:54 PM
I always liked Terry Pratchett's version, of a "princess who was so noble she could pee through a dozen mattresses", but this one is to my tastes as well.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Luna on May 11, 2011, 08:16:40 PM
Quote from: Cain on May 11, 2011, 06:27:54 PM
I always liked Terry Pratchett's version, of a "princess who was so noble she could pee through a dozen mattresses", but this one is to my tastes as well.

Side note, if you have not found Neil Gaiman's version of Snow White (short story titled Snow, Glass, Apples), find it.  (It's in his collection Smoke and Mirrors.)

http://www.amazon.com/Smoke-Mirrors-Short-Fictions-Illusions/dp/0061450162/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305141326&sr=1-1

Is amazing.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 11, 2011, 10:08:34 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 05:58:30 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
This so has "series" potential

I'm on the fence about whether or not that's going to happen.
Aw, come on!
"The Marsh King's Daughter" has pagans in it.  :evil:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Phox on May 11, 2011, 10:43:38 PM
 :mittens: in
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: *GrumpButt* on May 11, 2011, 10:47:27 PM
Loved it!
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Richter on May 11, 2011, 11:50:57 PM
 OP  :lulz:  moar

Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 12, 2011, 12:28:49 AM
:lulz:

Fuck yeah. There are no end of fairy-tales that need this treatment.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 12, 2011, 12:58:09 AM
I've always thought that real genius consists of shining the light on something that, once seen, seems natural, logical, and obvious by the way the discoverer/inventor/writer shows it. This piece completely exemplifies that. I mean, it just... makes sense. Horrific, terrible sense that somehow no one ever thought of before.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 12, 2011, 01:07:30 AM
Quote from: Nigel on May 12, 2011, 12:58:09 AM
I've always thought that real genius consists of shining the light on something that, once seen, seems natural, logical, and obvious by the way the discoverer/inventor/writer shows it. This piece completely exemplifies that. I mean, it just... makes sense. Horrific, terrible sense that somehow no one ever thought of before.

Thanks.

In 400 years or so, I'll be nitpicking modern authors.   :lulz:
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Adios on May 12, 2011, 02:57:34 AM
Loved it. Who would want a prissy assed bitch like that to begin with?
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Jenne on May 12, 2011, 03:10:27 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on May 12, 2011, 02:57:34 AM
Loved it. Who would want a prissy assed bitch like that to begin with?

THIS.  And "Once Upon a Mattress" the Broadway (I saw it off-Broadway) musical comes to mind.  It originally starred (amongst others) Carol Burnett.

:mittens:, Yo.
Title: Re: Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.
Post by: Telarus on May 12, 2011, 03:12:25 AM
:mittens: