Okay, so I've started a new very bad writing project, and I want a page or two of testimonials to my mad skills. And since nobody reads Bring and Brag, I'm posting it here.
They don't have to be honest. Just humorous or downright wrong.
Thanks!
Suu's grammatically airtight prose roams the depths of human experience like a submersible in the Mariana Trench harvesting tubeworm samples.
Suu's brilliant writing encapsulates the pinnacle of modern Chinese culture.
:spittake:
The elegance with which Suu places words on a page is so stunningly refined that it killed my mother.
Suu's writing saved my eye from a band roving pirate hookers.
My bowels were once so drum-tight that to force a movement I'd have mix a cocktail of metameucal, chocolate laxatives, coffee, bran flakes and assorted essential oils every morning so they would release an onslaught of fast food, large wheels of cheddar cheese, and frozen pizza waste after my mid-day meeting. Suu's writing changed that.
I knew I could count on you spags.
This is going to be the most horrific piece of failed creativity since the Council of Nicaea.
Suu's incisive writing style will cut out your heart, slap it around like the bitch that it is, and sew it back into your chest a better organ.
Suu has mastered the use of adjectives, to the point that they are now completely obsolete.
Suu's grammar alone has successfully and repeatedly fucked with the Wu-Tang.
Suu's writing can jump time-frames in the blink of an eye, but always remains in tense.
Suu's consonant focus has helped my vowel movements become much more regular.
:argh!: :lulz:
"A daring feat of epic writing, this is probably one of the most important and ambitious endorsements of the 21st century." -- Triple Zero
"After reading this biblically proportioned piece of literature, I felt enlightened. This brave analysis of the essential fabric of society nowadays, will build a bridge to tomorrow's understanding of future's people today. The revolutionary counterpart of the interpunction, however, might have been in bad taste." -- Schwarzwaelder Kirschtorte
Suu's writing makes my teeth feel like they've been polished by an army of dicks! -Mr Squid
Suu's riveting masterpieces have awoken nearly demonic flatulence in my bowels. -Squid
These are brilliant!
Suu's artful manipulation of contemporary discourse both challenges and subverts the mainstream in order to engage the reader in a postmodern reevaluation of contemporary neorationalist dogma.
:mittens:
The best textual intercourse ever.
"Suu's writing is so brilliant, it makes the writings of Shakespeare look like 'My Immortal' by comparison." -- Rolling Stone Magazine
"Thought-provoking, marvelous, velveteen." -- The New Yorker
"Ah poomped mah pance!" -- Christian Science Monitor
"Reading Suu's writing is like having ten thousand simultaneous orgasms while peaking on ecstasy and listening to Combichrist." -- Literary Review
Oh man, I'm going to have pages of this brilliance. :lulz:
Suu has all the talent of Dean Koontz. Only, you know, actually good.
SUU WOULD EAT A HOMELESS PERSON, IF YOU DARED HER!
- Rev Martin Luther King, Jr
"While reading Suu's latest triumph, I fear that my bowels released. Nevertheless, I carried on through the novel, like a proper Englishman would."
- Triple Zero
Suu is a modern day George Gordon Byron, if Lord Byron wrote the literary equivalent of a twat-punch.
"Reading Suu's latest work made me forget Stalingrad."
- Adolf Hitler
"After reading Suu's last work, I had no choice but to punch an orphan child."
- Mahatma Gandhi
"Theres no hope. Ill never write as good as Suu."
-David Foster Wallace shortly before committing suicide.
"After reading the assorted works of Suu all of life seems to pale. Colors seem duller, hookers look uglier, drugs feel weaker. Nothing can ever compare to the joy of reading Suu."
-Glittersnatch while recovering from reading Suus latest masterpiece in the boner ward of his local hospital.
"MY EYES! THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS GLORY!!!"
-Ray Charles clawing out his own eyes after reading Suu.
"What kind of God would allow this to happen?"
-Rev. Ray Comfort upon reading Suu.
"Who needs Heroin when you can read Suu?"
-William S Burroughs in an anti-drug PSA.
Suu's unflinching examination of intercoastal homotextuality is wrought with the grit and insight of a true industry professional.
Suu's complete domainance of the english language has many times interrupted me during the act of coitous. And for this I'm eternally grateful.
SUU USES BIG WORDS AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!! - FRED
Quote from: ☄ · · · N E T · · · ☄ on June 06, 2011, 04:13:45 AM
Suu's unflinching examination of intercoastal homotextuality is wrought with the grit and insight of a true industry professional.
The scary thing is that there's going to be a whole section devoted to shit I text guys on the West Coast. :fap:
スウの文芸のうつくしいさはむらかみの早いの本の同じである。
-Asahi Shimbun
Quote from: Your Evil Stepmother on June 06, 2011, 04:56:04 AM
Quote from: ☄ · · · N E T · · · ☄ on June 06, 2011, 04:13:45 AM
Suu's unflinching examination of intercoastal homotextuality is wrought with the grit and insight of a true industry professional.
The scary thing is that there's going to be a whole section devoted to shit I text guys on the West Coast. :fap:
(http://i.imgur.com/YThfX.jpg)
The words one could use to describe her writing have not yet been written. Fear not; she has them. If you can handle them.
This writing has changed my life and how I perceive the English language. Every arrangement of letters sparkles with intensity, each one a diamond in a world filled with literature best used as a coal substitute.
"From the moment quill touches parchment; fingers touch keyboard; or a shard of bone torn form her enemies and dipped in the blood of their children scrapes the remnants of a barricade, Suu's writing remains the focal point for a thousand soul's lamentations. Ah! Such small gestures! Movements quick and shattered, like a bird, wing half-chewed by a ferret, chased by a starving homeless man with scabby eyes and a dead man's shoes. These tiny twitches of sinew and muscle tear the sky with the immensity of the everlasting purity of vision produced, and syntax created. Tremble at the pages of Suu, for she treads the inky pastures of literate wastelands as though she were hunting the warlord who had slain her family, all those years ago while she crouched in the limbs of a nearby oak, tears of fury leaking from the corner of her burning eyes, swearing that yes, one day, she would have her merciless revenge upon the world of letters and punctuation. And here, contained within, is such vengance that no mortal can withstand."
Quote from: ☄ · · · N E T · · · ☄ on June 06, 2011, 06:35:56 AM
Quote from: Your Evil Stepmother on June 06, 2011, 04:56:04 AM
Quote from: ☄ · · · N E T · · · ☄ on June 06, 2011, 04:13:45 AM
Suu's unflinching examination of intercoastal homotextuality is wrought with the grit and insight of a true industry professional.
The scary thing is that there's going to be a whole section devoted to shit I text guys on the West Coast. :fap:
(http://i.imgur.com/YThfX.jpg)
Trust me. I'm a professional.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on June 06, 2011, 01:31:03 PM
"From the moment quill touches parchment; fingers touch keyboard; or a shard of bone torn form her enemies and dipped in the blood of their children scrapes the remnants of a barricade, Suu's writing remains the focal point for a thousand soul's lamentations. Ah! Such small gestures! Movements quick and shattered, like a bird, wing half-chewed by a ferret, chased by a starving homeless man with scabby eyes and a dead man's shoes. These tiny twitches of sinew and muscle tear the sky with the immensity of the everlasting purity of vision produced, and syntax created. Tremble at the pages of Suu, for she treads the inky pastures of literate wastelands as though she were hunting the warlord who had slain her family, all those years ago while she crouched in the limbs of a nearby oak, tears of fury leaking from the corner of her burning eyes, swearing that yes, one day, she would have her merciless revenge upon the world of letters and punctuation. And here, contained within, is such vengance that no mortal can withstand."
That's it. Thread over.
:bsex: