(Sorry for the self-indulgent tripe. I haven't written in over a year and I'm rusty. Seems like a good starting point.)
Every Sunday at ten am
the kids go away
and I fall apart.
No, this is what happens;
I make him bacon and coffee
and we say goodbye to the kids
and we we go back to bed
and make sexytime
then we drive up the Gorge
to go hiking.
Or we just hang out
and get a little work done
and get a little stoned
and play Civillization.
That's how it really goes.
But for the last four months
after my children leave
I sit at my desk
with a fist of grief
as big as a house
inside my chest.
I am trying to figure out
what my heart is holding onto
so hard.
Ow, Nigel. Just... ow.
I've become pathetic.
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
No... Not really. You've identified the question.
Write the next verse.
Answer it.
Quote from: Luna on July 10, 2011, 10:13:08 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
No... Not really. You've identified the question.
Write the next verse.
Answer it.
or better yet leave it open
Quote from: Thurnez Isa on July 10, 2011, 10:25:13 PM
Quote from: Luna on July 10, 2011, 10:13:08 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
No... Not really. You've identified the question.
Write the next verse.
Answer it.
or better yet leave it open
For the sake of art, the thing can be left open. For the sake of Nigel, though, she needs to resolve it, I'm thinking.
Yeah.
And it takes time to grieve a loss, ANY loss. A lot more time than society seems to allot for these things.
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 11, 2011, 12:51:00 AM
Yeah.
And it takes time to grieve a loss, ANY loss. A lot more time than society seems to allot for these things.
You're not kidding, Anna. Even when the guy has been an utter shit, and you SHOULD be happy he's gone (talking in general, here, not taking a swing at Mr. Language or anyone else), it takes time to get over... Sometimes, you're not getting over HIM... You're getting over the person you'd hoped he was.
I guess it's only been four months.
And for a year, we were inseparable. We practically lived up each other's butts. Our relationship has more private in-jokes than I have with most of my friends, some of whom I've known for over 20 years.
Where is my concubine? Where, where, where?
I know what I'm hanging on to. I'm hanging on to the potential we had. The potential of being romantic partners in life with my best friend. The potential of being with someone who knew me that intimately and still loved me; I could think his thoughts, he could feel my feelings.
We never had a chance.
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 01:07:13 AM
I guess it's only been four months.
And for a year, we were inseparable. We practically lived up each other's butts. Our relationship has more private in-jokes than I have with most of my friends, some of whom I've known for over 20 years.
Where is my concubine? Where, where, where?
I know what I'm hanging on to. I'm hanging on to the potential we had. The potential of being romantic partners in life with my best friend. The potential of being with someone who knew me that intimately and still loved me; I could think his thoughts, he could feel my feelings.
We never had a chance.
It'll take time. Give yourself the gift of that time, figure out exactly what it is you were missing... THEN go find it elsewhere.
Quote from: Luna on July 11, 2011, 01:11:05 AM
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 01:07:13 AM
I guess it's only been four months.
And for a year, we were inseparable. We practically lived up each other's butts. Our relationship has more private in-jokes than I have with most of my friends, some of whom I've known for over 20 years.
Where is my concubine? Where, where, where?
I know what I'm hanging on to. I'm hanging on to the potential we had. The potential of being romantic partners in life with my best friend. The potential of being with someone who knew me that intimately and still loved me; I could think his thoughts, he could feel my feelings.
We never had a chance.
It'll take time. Give yourself the gift of that time, figure out exactly what it is you were missing... THEN go find it elsewhere.
It's not what we were missing so much as that we got together too close on the heels of his last relationship, and I have insecurity issues. The combination was poison. By the time he was ready to really commit to the relationship I was so neurotic that I could no longer see it.
Bad timing, really.
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 01:15:51 AM
Quote from: Luna on July 11, 2011, 01:11:05 AM
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 01:07:13 AM
I guess it's only been four months.
And for a year, we were inseparable. We practically lived up each other's butts. Our relationship has more private in-jokes than I have with most of my friends, some of whom I've known for over 20 years.
Where is my concubine? Where, where, where?
I know what I'm hanging on to. I'm hanging on to the potential we had. The potential of being romantic partners in life with my best friend. The potential of being with someone who knew me that intimately and still loved me; I could think his thoughts, he could feel my feelings.
We never had a chance.
It'll take time. Give yourself the gift of that time, figure out exactly what it is you were missing... THEN go find it elsewhere.
It's not what we were missing so much as that we got together too close on the heels of his last relationship, and I have insecurity issues. The combination was poison. By the time he was ready to really commit to the relationship I was so neurotic that I could no longer see it.
Bad timing, really.
Regret the timing, grieve the loss. Understand what went wrong, and try not to make the mistake again.
Me, I've been pretty careful not to get involved again anytime soon, coming off a relationship that lasted close to 15 years... Anybody I'd care enough about to get involved with does not deserve the mess that I've been the past year and a half.
But, I'm getting better.
Yeah, I think it's going to be a while for me too.
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 02:32:50 AM
Yeah, I think it's going to be a while for me too.
Take the time. No sense making the mistake he did, be ready for something new.
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Getting over the NYEX is going faster than I expected, really. I'm still occasionally angry, but I haven't gotten weepy over him much at all, lately. A few seconds on our anniversary, in June, walking past the spot where we got married, and when I sat down, undid all the knots from the cords from our handfasting, cut them, and burned them, and that's been it.
How do you define "over," anyway? No more tears? No more anger? No more feelings at all?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Some people really get in there, don't they?
The hardest part for me is the hope. I'm still hopeful that in a few months or a year, I'll have worked on my issues and he'll have worked on his, and we'll be ready to give it another shot.
Quote from: Luna on July 11, 2011, 03:15:52 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Getting over the NYEX is going faster than I expected, really. I'm still occasionally angry, but I haven't gotten weepy over him much at all, lately. A few seconds on our anniversary, in June, walking past the spot where we got married, and when I sat down, undid all the knots from the cords from our handfasting, cut them, and burned them, and that's been it.
How do you define "over," anyway? No more tears? No more anger? No more feelings at all?
For me, "over" is as simple as; no longing. No yearning for the might-have-been, no hoping for the still-might-be, no staring at his hands or remembering the time we went for a walk on Mount Tabor and took pictures of the Snowcap dumpster and then ate pho and then took our first nap together. When all the little details of our courtship no longer stand out as big and meaningful, when I start to forget, I'll know I'm over him.
I realized I was getting over him when I was having a conversation, and I realized I had talked about something we had done, and used his name, and it didn't hurt.
Nigel, i can't say that i understand, and i'm glad for that.
but some shadow of what you're feeling comes through in your post, and my heart goes out to you...
:sad:
Thanks, Ip.
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 03:38:53 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Some people really get in there, don't they?
The hardest part for me is the hope. I'm still hopeful that in a few months or a year, I'll have worked on my issues and he'll have worked on his, and we'll be ready to give it another shot.
Oh, yeah. The hardest part for me is that *I* blatantly fucked it up. Most times, you hear someone say, "It's all my/the other person's fault", and you think, "yeah, it's more like 50/50." But not in this particular case.
I saw her 15 years later, and there was none of that Fogelberg "Auld Land Syne" (Sic?) crap. If looks could kill, I'd have been a greasy spot on the floor.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 07:46:10 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 03:38:53 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Some people really get in there, don't they?
The hardest part for me is the hope. I'm still hopeful that in a few months or a year, I'll have worked on my issues and he'll have worked on his, and we'll be ready to give it another shot.
Oh, yeah. The hardest part for me is that *I* blatantly fucked it up. Most times, you hear someone say, "It's all my/the other person's fault", and you think, "yeah, it's more like 50/50." But not in this particular case.
I saw her 15 years later, and there was none of that Fogelberg "Auld Land Syne" (Sic?) crap. If looks could kill, I'd have been a greasy spot on the floor.
Oh, that's the worst. :(
With Mr. Language at least I know it wasn't all my fault. There were other things wrong, (in some respects massively wrong) and my regret lies in wondering if we could have pulled it off had I chosen a route other than breaking up with him to force things to change.
Not realizing, of course, that a large part of what has to change involves going through intensive counseling and ripping off 26 years of habit and facade so I can start fresh from where I got stuck, recognizing that emotionally, I am 14 years old when it comes to romantic relationships.
It would be nice to have someone's hand to hold through it.
There's a lot of stuff I never got over, but I got used to it, if that makes any sense. It doesn't kick my ass anymore.
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 09:01:39 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 07:46:10 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 03:38:53 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Some people really get in there, don't they?
The hardest part for me is the hope. I'm still hopeful that in a few months or a year, I'll have worked on my issues and he'll have worked on his, and we'll be ready to give it another shot.
Oh, yeah. The hardest part for me is that *I* blatantly fucked it up. Most times, you hear someone say, "It's all my/the other person's fault", and you think, "yeah, it's more like 50/50." But not in this particular case.
I saw her 15 years later, and there was none of that Fogelberg "Auld Land Syne" (Sic?) crap. If looks could kill, I'd have been a greasy spot on the floor.
Oh, that's the worst. :(
With Mr. Language at least I know it wasn't all my fault. There were other things wrong, (in some respects massively wrong) and my regret lies in wondering if we could have pulled it off had I chosen a route other than breaking up with him to force things to change.
Not realizing, of course, that a large part of what has to change involves going through intensive counseling and ripping off 26 years of habit and facade so I can start fresh from where I got stuck, recognizing that emotionally, I am 14 years old when it comes to romantic relationships.
It would be nice to have someone's hand to hold through it.
There's really no way to know. Sometimes, breaking things off completely is the ONLY way to get your point across. I tried for a year before I realized that walking away was my only option... and I'll never get that year back.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 07:46:10 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 11, 2011, 03:38:53 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2011, 01:48:07 PM
Quote from: Nigel on July 10, 2011, 10:08:17 PM
I've become pathetic.
Naw. If you're still feeling emo in June of 2012, THEN you can think you're pathetic.
Dok,
STILL isn't all the way over The Girl, and it's been 25 years.
Some people really get in there, don't they?
The hardest part for me is the hope. I'm still hopeful that in a few months or a year, I'll have worked on my issues and he'll have worked on his, and we'll be ready to give it another shot.
Oh, yeah. The hardest part for me is that *I* blatantly fucked it up. Most times, you hear someone say, "It's all my/the other person's fault", and you think, "yeah, it's more like 50/50." But not in this particular case.
I saw her 15 years later, and there was none of that Fogelberg "Auld Land Syne" (Sic?) crap. If looks could kill, I'd have been a greasy spot on the floor.
:awesome: I hear ya! Best thing that ever happened to me was wizing up to the fact that I was enough of a fuckhead to arse up the most perfect opportunity that'd ever been handed to anyone. Ever. Turned me from a fuckhead into a biped but it took a lot of time, a lot of booze and drugs and it hurt like a motherfucker. To this day I still couldn't look her in the eye. Not cause my heart didn't heal years ago. It's the fucking shame