Hi there.
I heard things are pretty bad in your neck of the woods. I hear people like you get full just eating their stress management pills. I hear there's no jobs, the weather's worse than ever, the roof is leaking, and the price of cigarettes is enough to make you want to swear off of food. The rent is due, the assholes you work for cut your pay but still gave themselves bonuses, and the insane traffic out on the road makes you want to be a Mennonite.
I have even heard that things might get even worse. Germany pulling out of the EU, thousands of miles away, might just really put things in the pooper. Debt is up, the wars continue, the Tea Party won't stop howling, and despite all this, you aren't allowed to own a bazooka. It's like there's no balance, anymore.
Well, we at The First Church of the Wrath of Baby Jesus™ have the answer. It's a product that will smite the unworthy, cleanse the temple, send that snickering secretary straight to hell, and vaporize all the traffic in sight. It was years in the making, it took geniuses to invent it, but any old moron can use it!
That's right, kids, we're offering, for a VERY limited time, YOUR VERY OWN ATOMIC BOMB! Some of our associates in the former USSR are holding a fire sale on excess inventory, and the prices will blow you away! For about the price of a modest house, you can leave a poisonous smoking crater where your boss's town used to be! You can finally get revenge on those kids that beat you up in middle school, the girl that laughed at you when you asked her to the prom, and all those people that say you owe them money!
And convenience? Why, these babies fit right in the bed of a Ford Ranger. Some of our models can even be carried by one strong man! With our optional delivery systems, you can drop one right on that asshole in Korea that skunked you at Starcraft! How's THAT for "internet tough guy"?
Now, some might call us irresponsible for making fission bombs available to the public, but we'd like to point out that Ronald Reagan, Nikita Kruschev, John Kennedy, and George W Bush all had THOUSANDS of these things available, and nothing went wrong! Besides, are you going to let some hippie come between you and your constitutional right to bear arms? Hell, no! Order today, before some liberal has a hissy fit!
ACT NOW! What are you waiting for? Now you can SHOW THEM ALL! Now you can TEACH THEM! You can teach them ALL! You can finally show the world just how butthurt you are, how their petty slights and put downs nibbled away at your mind, how the day to day grind of modern life has eroded your psyche! And you won't even have to go to jail like that one guy with the rifle on the overpass, because THE POLICE WILL BE GONE, TOO!
Contact us today! Supplies are limited! One free rad/hazmat suit and survey meter with the first 100 orders!
NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?
Bombco is a division of Howl Industries, an equal opportunity employer.
Your product seems pretty solid, Doktor Howl! But what about cleanup? Today's malcontents are pretty busy folk! Will they be spending all day trying to set this atomic bomb up, only to have it fail, and then they have a rather large mess to clean?
After perusing the brochure I have a few questions.
1 - Timing devices? Why are these 4 times the cost of the actual bomb?
2 - Delivery address, if I use general delivery, will they leave my order without a signature.
3 - Relates directly to #2 - Can they be shipped with the timing device preset?
4 - Do you accept inheritances from Nigerian relatives as payment?
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:25:13 PM
Your product seems pretty solid, Doktor Howl! But what about cleanup? Today's malcontents are pretty busy folk! Will they be spending all day trying to set this atomic bomb up, only to have it fail, and then they have a rather large mess to clean?
The beauty of these devices are that even if they fail to detonate properly, the mess will last for thousands of years!
But remember that this is a fire sale, so all transactions are final!
Quote from: Khara on September 15, 2011, 04:28:37 PM
After perusing the brochure I have a few questions.
1 - Timing devices? Why are these 4 times the cost of the actual bomb?
2 - Delivery address, if I use general delivery, will they leave my order without a signature.
3 - Relates directly to #2 - Can they be shipped with the timing device preset?
4 - Do you accept inheritances from Nigerian relatives as payment?
1. Options are available, though the price may be impacted.
2. We're not picky.
3. See #2.
4. Our partners in Russia are not known for their sense of humor.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 04:36:46 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:25:13 PM
Your product seems pretty solid, Doktor Howl! But what about cleanup? Today's malcontents are pretty busy folk! Will they be spending all day trying to set this atomic bomb up, only to have it fail, and then they have a rather large mess to clean?
The beauty of these devices are that even if they fail to detonate properly, the mess will last for thousands of years!
But remember that this is a fire sale, so all transactions are final!
Looks like you've thought of everything, Doktor!! Purchasers out there would have to be
CRAZY not to buy!!!
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:40:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 04:36:46 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:25:13 PM
Your product seems pretty solid, Doktor Howl! But what about cleanup? Today's malcontents are pretty busy folk! Will they be spending all day trying to set this atomic bomb up, only to have it fail, and then they have a rather large mess to clean?
The beauty of these devices are that even if they fail to detonate properly, the mess will last for thousands of years!
But remember that this is a fire sale, so all transactions are final!
Looks like you've thought of everything, Doktor!! Purchasers out there would have to be CRAZY not to buy!!!
We might add that it would be wise to get one before your enemies do!
Three, please, with the timer options. Delivery addresses to follow under seperate cover, please bill to: Michelle Bachman, billing address will be enclosed with delivery instructions.
Quote from: Luna on September 15, 2011, 04:44:32 PM
Three, please, with the timer options. Delivery addresses to follow under seperate cover, please bill to: Michelle Bachman, billing address will be enclosed with delivery instructions.
Please be aware that drop shipping carries an additional cost.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 04:42:10 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:40:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 04:36:46 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 15, 2011, 04:25:13 PM
Your product seems pretty solid, Doktor Howl! But what about cleanup? Today's malcontents are pretty busy folk! Will they be spending all day trying to set this atomic bomb up, only to have it fail, and then they have a rather large mess to clean?
The beauty of these devices are that even if they fail to detonate properly, the mess will last for thousands of years!
But remember that this is a fire sale, so all transactions are final!
Looks like you've thought of everything, Doktor!! Purchasers out there would have to be CRAZY not to buy!!!
We might add that it would be wise to get one before your enemies do!
At these prices, I would think that ANYONE is an enemey! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 04:46:06 PM
Quote from: Luna on September 15, 2011, 04:44:32 PM
Three, please, with the timer options. Delivery addresses to follow under seperate cover, please bill to: Michelle Bachman, billing address will be enclosed with delivery instructions.
Please be aware that drop shipping carries an additional cost.
This is more than acceptable.
I'm posting in this thread only because I want to go to Gitmo with the rest of you.
As a firm supporter of the scheme to bring mutually assured distruction to the street level, so that Everyone has to grudgingly treat each other better, I will proudly endorse this product.
Quote from: Faust on September 15, 2011, 04:50:51 PM
As a firm supporter of the scheme to bring mutually assured distruction to the street level, so that Everyone has to grudgingly treat each other better, I will proudly endorse this product.
Every man a Curtiss LeMay, every woman an Indira Gandhi!
How many would I need to make Austin an island?
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on September 15, 2011, 05:07:18 PM
How many would I need to make Austin an island?
Which way is the wind blowing?
Are there volume discounts? I need enough so that I can kill my enemy more times than he can kill me, balance of terror and whatnot.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2011, 05:08:59 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on September 15, 2011, 05:07:18 PM
How many would I need to make Austin an island?
Which way is the wind blowing?
It's not. It's like breathing sweaty socks out there.
Where do I sign? I want to make it clear to all to-be-offended parties that this is not to be an attack, just a preemptive defense. Y'all were gonna do it to me otherwise. I saw that twinkle in your blood-crazed eyes, you dirty ■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■!!!