I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just
so
tired.
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:43:53 PM
I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just
so
tired.
Make some Chai. Have a smoke.
It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 08:45:43 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:43:53 PM
I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just
so
tired.
Make some Chai. Have a smoke.
It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.
I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?
I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:48:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 08:45:43 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:43:53 PM
I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just
so
tired.
Make some Chai. Have a smoke.
It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.
I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?
I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.
Then maybe you need to take a good long look at what you're doing. I mean, if it
almost pays the bills, and has the added benefit of eating your soul while you slowly fall behind, maybe it's time to try to find another source of income so you can go back to art?
Just a suggestion. Something to think about while you
go
outside
and drink some chai.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 08:51:20 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:48:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 08:45:43 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 08:43:53 PM
I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just
so
tired.
Make some Chai. Have a smoke.
It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.
I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?
I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.
Then maybe you need to take a good long look at what you're doing. I mean, if it almost pays the bills, and has the added benefit of eating your soul while you slowly fall behind, maybe it's time to try to find another source of income so you can go back to art?
Just a suggestion. Something to think about while you
go
outside
and drink some chai.
Such a simple solution, right? Just get a job. Why, that hadn't occurred to me. Sorry if I sound bitter, but please don't insult me with the assumption that I haven't weighed alternatives. I'm very aware of my options, limited though they are. Facile solutions from an outside perspective are something I get all the time and it's frustrating to explain over and over again to people why I'm making the choices I'm making now. "Why don't you kick out your housemate?" people say. "Have you thought about looking for a job?"
No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.
If I could find a job I'm qualified for (retail/warehouse) it wouldn't pay me what I'm making now, and on top of that I wouldn't be home for the kids after school. Add commuting expenses and I might as well pay someone to take my house. I am looking for part-time bartending but so far, nothing. I have no bartending experience, so that's unsurprising.
The reason I'm starting college this winter (reminds me, I need to go to campus for a form they need me to fill out) is so that at some point in the future, I will have skills that will qualify me for a job that earns more than I'm making now, hopefully with some kind of benefits.
Right now my goals are to work enough to keep up, restructure my loan so I'm paying less, finish my bathroom and move the girls upstairs so I can charge a housemate more, and somehow MAKE IT to the beginning of winter term. If all the plans I currently have in motion come through, then I will be OK long-term. In the meantime, I'm really fucking tired.
It actually occurred to me that a bartending job would be fucking stupid anyway, as it would almost certainly pay me less than the extra hours I spend torching now.
I dont know. Bartending could be fun. You'd be OUT of the house and making money and socializing. And depending an where you bartend, the cash in hand every day may be more than you think.
Lie about never bartending-get a book and learn the drinks-then practice making them for friends. Throw a party.
But first-listen to the Dok- go outside and drink some chai.
I think that's sound advise.
;)
Hang in there.
Tired is a daunting feeling.
Hope to hear that you are rested soon.
Quote from: maphdet on October 12, 2011, 09:55:37 PM
I dont know. Bartending could be fun. You'd be OUT of the house and making money and socializing. And depending an where you bartend, the cash in hand every day may be more than you think.
Lie about never bartending-get a book and learn the drinks-then practice making them for friends. Throw a party.
But first-listen to the Dok- go outside and drink some chai.
I think that's sound advise.
;)
Hang in there.
Tired is a daunting feeling.
Hope to hear that you are rested soon.
I don't think bartending is a good option for me, frankly. It would kill my existing social life. It would replace the extra hours I spend torching. If I torch for three hours, I can make a couple hundred dollars worth of beads. It takes about three more hours in work to sell them, and I can do these things in the house with my three children. Or I can be up until three in the morning closing a bar and be even more exhausted than I am now, with my sleep schedule all fucked up, still having to get up at 7 in the morning to get the kids to school.
I'm also tired of explaining why stupid shit that isn't a good idea for me is stupid and not a good idea for me. Seriously. It's fucking annoying that the default assumption seems to be that if I'm struggling it must be because I'm a fucking idiot who can't do a simple cost/benefit analysis on different options.
My favorite thing is how often, when I explain to people why I'm not <insert oversimplistic suggestion here>, (why do I bother?) often their skepticism is palpable, as if I simply don't know what I'm talking about.
Sure, I could probably eventually find a job that would pay the bills, but then how would I go back to school? Where does that leave me long-term?
My ex used to say I'm "unambitious" because I will tolerate less-than-ideal circumstances for extended periods of time in pursuit of a long-range goal. But I'd rather have a much better outcome in five years than a slightly better outcome in five months.
And in the meantime, things MAY SUCK.
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 09:12:31 PM
No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.
Yeah, leaving now.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 11:25:11 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 09:12:31 PM
No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.
Yeah, leaving now.
I'm sorry for being oversensitive. You touched a nerve.
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 11:44:09 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2011, 11:25:11 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 12, 2011, 09:12:31 PM
No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.
Yeah, leaving now.
I'm sorry for being oversensitive. You touched a nerve.
You said you were feeling like you weren't an artist anymore, or becoming that way. I offered the only advice I could think of. Not because I think "just getting a job" is easy or obvious, but because you are apparently viewing the thing you love to do as grunt work. You're a hell of a lot more capable than you seem to think; torching and bartending are not the extent of your abilities.
Let me just explain my position, here. I have an extremely high-stress job. I get full each night eating pills that keep me going, and when I wake up, I eat more pills. I've had a crowd of loud-mouth assholes screaming in my head for more than a year...And no medical reason why, other than apparently subsumed stress. I live in a fucked up border town that has all the culture of Asshole, Texas, and a state government that's trying to bring back the good old days of White people, before women. I put up with all of this because I have a daughter counting on me to keep my shit in one bag for a few more years.
What this means is that I am a bundle of jangled nerves like a overtightened banjo, with a grip on reality that can best be summed up as tenuous. What THAT means is that I am incapable - not unwilling, but incapable - of dealing with a social situation that involves getting burned at apparently random intervals when I try to help, given that the help I offered was at worst harmless.
And what it all boils down to is that I have to leave for a while. Not flouncing, not saying "OH, THAT'S IT, OUR FRIENDSHIP IS OVER", or anything like that...Because the situation, though unpleasant and a little jarring, doesn't rate such a response.
I just need to go for a while, get my fucking head together, and find something that resembles
relaxing.
I'll be back when I'm back.
Ciao,
Roger
I HAVE to find something else to do besides making glass beads... I have tendonitis, I have maybe 2 years tops if I keep at it full-time. That's why I'm going back to school this winter. What has been frustrating me since this summer when I started working toward school is that any time I say anything to anyone about how much life is sucking right now, they suggest that I get a job. I'm really tired of it. I have a job. If I get a different job, even if it paid the bills, it would fuck all of my long-term plans, possibly irreparably.
I appreciate that I have the option of doing what I do, even if it's just production work... dude, I'm hell of lucky to HAVE A JOB. Period! But I have to be so focused on production that I have no time to make art. And I'm tired. I made 160 beads today, and my whole body aches. I still have to do ebay listings, and I have to make another 150 beads tomorrow, and I have to write a profit and loss statement and a hardship letter, I have to go to PCC and figure out what form it is I need to fill out for them, I have to ship orders, I have to raise my kids.
Yeah, I need to find something else to do for a living. But right now I feel monumentally unheard because that's what all this is about. That's why I've been working so hard all summer. So I can go back to school, so I can do something else for a living. It's all I've been working toward all year.
Sorry for being a jerk about it.
S'okay. Sorry for the last response. Last thing you need is an earful of my problems.
Christ, I'm sick of this office. Of this job. Of this city.
But I can't leave.
So, yeah. I see what you're saying.
Fuck it. I'm taking a week off, this month.
And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 01:44:59 AM
Fuck it. I'm taking a week off, this month.
And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.
That sounds like a great idea!
Also, I don't want to be a hypocrite and I'm sure there are very valid reasons that you don't quit that job, but :x
Quote from: Nigel on October 13, 2011, 02:41:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 01:44:59 AM
Fuck it. I'm taking a week off, this month.
And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.
That sounds like a great idea!
Also, I don't want to be a hypocrite and I'm sure there are very valid reasons that you don't quit that job, but :x
Yes, there is one (1) valid reason: It allows me to afford to live in the one area of The City that has a functional high school that teaches kids stuff other than how to negotiate a meth deal, and how to make a shank out of a toothbrush.
In any case, I have taken off 10/26 - 11/1, which covers my birthday, among other things.
And I plan to spend the time downtown, among my people.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 04:52:54 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 13, 2011, 02:41:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 01:44:59 AM
Fuck it. I'm taking a week off, this month.
And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.
That sounds like a great idea!
Also, I don't want to be a hypocrite and I'm sure there are very valid reasons that you don't quit that job, but :x
Yes, there is one (1) valid reason: It allows me to afford to live in the one area of The City that has a functional high school that teaches kids stuff other than how to negotiate a meth deal, and how to make a shank out of a toothbrush.
In any case, I have taken off 10/26 - 11/1, which covers my birthday, among other things.
And I plan to spend the time downtown, among my people.
Kids are the thing. We do shit for the kids that we would never do on our own.
My kids have made me a better person, and a happier person. This shit is really fucking hard, but I'm not sorry.
Glad you're taking that time off. :)
When I'm going through real hectic shit like you describe. When I can't clear my feet and the shit I hate is piling up around my ears and my brain is screaming at me to just lie the fuck down and do nothing for a bit. "relax, unwind, veg out on the sofa watching shit fly across the teevee screen..."
I fight it. It doesn't help me. Makes me worse. Starts a spiral that leads all the way down if I let it. I force myself to go out and do something fun and I take it to the wall. I'll typically spend a "good" weekend driving like a psycho, up into the highlands to meet up with some mates on a friday, straight out of work. Saturday, crack of dawn, two hours sleep but, strangely, not even slightly tired. Head out and find something that'll try it's damnedest to kill me. Get beat up and knackered, fall into a tent shitfaced, wake up the next day and do it again.
By the time I crawl into bed, late sunday night I look and feel like I've been hit by a truck but I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. All the shit is still piled up there, like it was when I left it but now it seems relaxing. The stress is puny little stress. To be honest it's the same shit that was making me feel like jumping off a bridge when I left it but then I went and, yanno, jumped off a fucking bridge. Got it out my system.
What I'm saying is, boring, mundane, repetitive stress leads to depression. One of the side effects is a drop in energy levels. Which makes the whole thing even more overwhelming, leading to a bigger downer and so on. For some people, I dunno, maybe chilling out and sleeping like shit and relaxing and all that might work but for others, getting a good fix of healthy funtime stress might help a damn sight more. Whatever it is you like to do, go out and do it til you can't stand up anymore.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 13, 2011, 06:36:17 PM
When I'm going through real hectic shit like you describe. When I can't clear my feet and the shit I hate is piling up around my ears and my brain is screaming at me to just lie the fuck down and do nothing for a bit. "relax, unwind, veg out on the sofa watching shit fly across the teevee screen..."
I fight it. It doesn't help me. Makes me worse. Starts a spiral that leads all the way down if I let it. I force myself to go out and do something fun and I take it to the wall. I'll typically spend a "good" weekend driving like a psycho, up into the highlands to meet up with some mates on a friday, straight out of work. Saturday, crack of dawn, two hours sleep but, strangely, not even slightly tired. Head out and find something that'll try it's damnedest to kill me. Get beat up and knackered, fall into a tent shitfaced, wake up the next day and do it again.
By the time I crawl into bed, late sunday night I look and feel like I've been hit by a truck but I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. All the shit is still piled up there, like it was when I left it but now it seems relaxing. The stress is puny little stress. To be honest it's the same shit that was making me feel like jumping off a bridge when I left it but then I went and, yanno, jumped off a fucking bridge. Got it out my system.
What I'm saying is, boring, mundane, repetitive stress leads to depression. One of the side effects is a drop in energy levels. Which makes the whole thing even more overwhelming, leading to a bigger downer and so on. For some people, I dunno, maybe chilling out and sleeping like shit and relaxing and all that might work but for others, getting a good fix of healthy funtime stress might help a damn sight more. Whatever it is you like to do, go out and do it til you can't stand up anymore.
I react far more like you do than by resting and relaxing. When I'm exhausted and burned out, that's when I put on my whiteface and head out onto the town to spook the tourists.
Then my advice is find make some time to go out and get your freak on.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 04:52:54 PM
Quote from: Nigel on October 13, 2011, 02:41:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2011, 01:44:59 AM
Fuck it. I'm taking a week off, this month.
And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.
That sounds like a great idea!
Also, I don't want to be a hypocrite and I'm sure there are very valid reasons that you don't quit that job, but :x
Yes, there is one (1) valid reason: It allows me to afford to live in the one area of The City that has a functional high school that teaches kids stuff other than how to negotiate a meth deal, and how to make a shank out of a toothbrush.
They still get to learn those valuable life skills as well, though, correct?
Can't stop moving.
So tired, but can't stop. Can't sit down, might THINK.
Busy, busy, have to keep busy. Can't think, my brain will get me. THOSE thoughts will get back in, take over my mind, keep me awake.
Keep me awake, that's funny. Can't lie down, can't close my eyes, so fucking tired, but if I stop, if I slow down just a little, the thoughts, they come crawling out of the back of my mind and wrap their tentacles around me, and I'm AWAKE. Or worse, they wait until I start to doze, and then they slide into my dreams...
Have to stay awake. Have to sleep, so tired...
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 13, 2011, 09:31:38 PM
Then my advice is find make some time to go out and get your freak on.
I do, but not on nights I have my kids. I just KMFMS. :)
I hope things work out Nigel, the place you are in sucks.
Thank you, Charley. :) I hope so, too.