So there I was, enjoying my afterlife following an incident in the bathroom, and YOINK! Right back down onto this shit-encrusted mud ball, back to being surrounded by Goddamn domesticated primates, and all the insane stupidity they bring.
And why is this?
Because you have SINNED, of course. You have fallen from The Way. No amount of SCIENCE seems to stir you, and no amount of SCIENCE can overcome the monkeys that throw their filth all over this great land. "Other, equally valid theories", "We can't immunize the little shits from HPV, or they won't get what's coming to them when they turn into liberal, America-hating sluts", "I think it's time we gave supply-side economics a chance", "Oh, yeah, I think Rick Perry is the one!"
I can hear you now..."But Rev, we never said those things!" But you put up with it. You allowed it to happen. You sat there and laughed at the funny teabaggers in their funny hats with their funny misspelled signs, while they yahoo'd their way into the house of representatives. I saw no SMITING OF THE UNWORTHY! I saw no CASTIGATION of the HEATHEN FILTH that squats over the constitution every chance they get! I saw not a single instance of a dumbfuck catching one IN THA NADS.
I see all of this, all of this and more. And I am not amused.
FLEE! YOUR CITIES ARE DOOMED! For I come bringing a sword of FIRE, and I shall LAY WASTE about me until all is Tucson. And you have nobody to blame but yourselves. You won't get the desert, the literal desert, but The Lost Highway now comes RIGHT TO YOUR FUCKING DOOR. Universal Tucson in every city, every town, every shitpot truck stop trailer park. THERE IS NO ESCAPE, RUN THOUGH YOU MAY!
Oh, that Reverend, he's always joking, right kids? Right right right? HAW HAW! ONLY SERIOUS. Pay attention to what's going on around you, from this moment forward. IT'S ALL TUCSON. You had your fucking chance, and not ONE of you thought to stake me in my coffin before you turned into fucking SLACKERS of the WORST KIND.
Richter, thou shalt be my High Epopt and Avenger in the East. Yeah, tough shit. You had your chance. You are now responsible for ALL righteousness or the lack thereof in the Eastern half of the country. You KNOW what you have to do. You will show them the error of their ways. Hold back not thy avenging FISTS O' DOOM, for they are wretches, and they have had warnings, rants, and signs up the prostate. Now we cut to the fucking chase. PUNISHMENT! DOOM! WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH!
Nigel, thou shalt be my Angel of the West. Not the cutsie cherubs of the condolences cards, either. No, it's all RIGHT ANGLES AND STERN DEMEANORS and HAVOC unto the hippies and hipsters and hollow men of the Pacific Northwest. There will be stomping and spitting of blood and obscenities, and there shall be no mercy on the Pinks. No, let this be the revelation they all thought they were getting next year, the girly little Mayan-worshipping FREAKS!
Everyone else: You have a DUTY to SMITE or BE SMITED! This Universal Tucson curse applies to you, and you can just GET DOWN ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES AND THANK "BOB" THAT IT'S NOT WORSE! You have – as of now – a Special Dispensation™ against all HORRIBLE SINS you commit in carrying out Our Lady's work. And if you can't be fucking bothered, well, then the joke will be on YOU! And we won't even take it out of the big, heavy cans first.
Oh, but I am not here to inspire WRATH without providing a little guidance. We shall strike against those things and those icons that convince humans that they are mere animals. From this day forth, the following will not be suffered to exist without "improvement":
Porta-potties. No human should have to shit in a smelly fucking CLOSET. USE THE GROUND! FERTILIZE THE EARTH! Leave BIG BLUE LAKES all over the fucking place.
Signs. Signs are THE ENEMY. I'm not talking about stop signs and other things that keep people from dying in messy ways, here. I'm taking about NO and KEEP OFF and TRESPASSERS and YOU ARE NOW ENTERING and PARK CLOSED BETWEEN 10PM AND 5AM.
America Legion These fuckers want to FORCE you to live in a 1950s that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED. There are a MILLION ways to fuck with these people. YOU be the million and FIRST.
Teabaggers Do I have to spell this out for you? To these fuckos, you AREN'T HUMAN if you AREN'T WHITE. Next OWS day, COUNTER-COUNTER-PROTEST. Confuse the fuck out of everyone.
The News Little known fact: Only 5 broadcasting companies exist in America right now. NONE OF THEM have internal fact-checking departments anymore. Neither do almost ANY newspapers. USE THAT. Teach those paranoia-inducing fuckwads WHO RUNS THIS FUCKING SHOW.
Parking Meters "Give me money for the privilege of being able to stop and walk around."
There's more. OH, YES, THERE'S MORE. And I don't really have to explain these things, do I? You all see what's happening. You all see things get less and less strange every day. You all see them squeeze every drop of fun out of every fucking daily activity, day by day, week by week, month by month.
You had your fucking chance to KILL ME and thus be able to slobber all over yourself in peace, but you didn't. You had your chance to seal my tomb with reinforced concrete, but you didn't.
And now I'm back.
Or Kill Me
oooooo, now you've done it
(http://neweurasia.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/degner01-570x371.jpg)
OMG THE RAIN GOD IS BACK!
Salutations, Reverend.
If you all will excuse me, I have some... errands to run.
GODDAMMIT. WHO FORGOT TO REINFORCE TGRR'S TOMB WITH TITANIUM-INFUSED CONCRETE?
Welcome back, TGRR...we heathens have had a lousy time without you.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:25:54 PM
From this day forth, the following will not be suffered to exist without "improvement":
Porta-potties. No human should have to shit in a smelly fucking CLOSET. USE THE GROUND! FERTILIZE THE EARTH! Leave BIG BLUE LAKES all over the fucking place.
Signs. Signs are THE ENEMY. I'm not talking about stop signs and other things that keep people from dying in messy ways, here. I'm taking about NO and KEEP OFF and TRESPASSERS and YOU ARE NOW ENTERING and PARK CLOSED BETWEEN 10PM AND 5AM.
America Legion These fuckers want to FORCE you to live in a 1950s that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED. There are a MILLION ways to fuck with these people. YOU be the million and FIRST.
Teabaggers Do I have to spell this out for you? To these fuckos, you AREN'T HUMAN if you AREN'T WHITE. Next OWS day, COUNTER-COUNTER-PROTEST. Confuse the fuck out of everyone.
The News Little known fact: Only 5 broadcasting companies exist in America right now. NONE OF THEM have internal fact-checking departments anymore. Neither do almost ANY newspapers. USE THAT. Teach those paranoia-inducing fuckwads WHO RUNS THIS FUCKING SHOW.
Parking Meters "Give me money for the privilege of being able to stop and walk around."
There's more. OH, YES, THERE'S MORE. And I don't really have to explain these things, do I? You all see what's happening. You all see things get less and less strange every day. You all see them squeeze every drop of fun out of every fucking daily activity, day by day, week by week, month by month.
Flawless
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRbNw6EpniT56G-Y1Vqku-PwsoW3cbpFdbhEZYYUl-F0m0FnNHx9ll4tLVixQ)
OH, THOU SINNERS! YE WHO WALK AROUND MOUTHING THE WORDS, BUT NOT POOMPING THE POOMP! DO YE NOT KNOW THE MAGNITUDE OF THY SINS? DO YE NOT UNDERSTAND THE HORROR THAT AWAITH THEE? DOST THOU NOT COMPREHEND WHAT IT MEANS WHEN I SAY "ALL IS NOW TUCSON"?
Starting NOW, this very moment, look around. Pay attention. LOOK FOR THE SIGNS...For thou are now CURSED to see what ye have brought upon THYSELF!
You will notice. You can't help it.
WALLOW IN THY MISERY, AND KNOW THAT THOU AND THOU ALONE ART RESPONSIBLE!
AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Quote from: Pixie on October 24, 2011, 08:34:37 PM
OMG THE RAIN GOD IS BACK!
Yes, but that isn't actually "rain".
Oh, no.
There is no reprieve, no mercy, no peace in Tucson, Universal or Real. The sun will burn the truth into your eyes, and you will reject it, but lo! the truth of Tucson may never be rejected, for the burns upon thine eyes are the unveiling of all hypocrisies, manipulation, and Greydom.
You're all fucked now. Might as well grab the nearest bottle while you go run your own... errands.
Quote from: Science me, babby on October 24, 2011, 08:46:57 PM
There is no reprieve, no mercy, no peace in Tucson, Universal or Real. The sun will burn the truth into your eyes, and you will reject it, but lo! the truth of Tucson may never be rejected, for the burns upon thine eyes are the unveiling of all hypocrisies, manipulation, and Greydom.
You're all fucked now. Might as well grab the nearest bottle while you go run your own... errands.
THIS.
ALSO, PAYNE WILL BUILD ME AN AVATAR, FOR MY CRUSTY, DECOMPOSED BODY IS INCOMPLETE.
MAKE IT VILE.
TUCSON RISES.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2011, 08:48:30 PM
TUCSON RISES.
You don't know the fucking HALF of it.
Thanks to the miracle of confirmation bias, you all live in Tucson, now.
Even though I've stated that it is confirmation bias, You will all see the horror, whether you choose to or not.
Also, I just hit "mark all messages read" AND pm'd The Mgt.
There shall be no reprieve, no blow too low, no cheapshot suckerpunch untaken.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:52:00 PM
Also, I just hit "mark all messages read" AND pm'd The Mgt.
There shall be no reprieve, no blow too low, no cheapshot suckerpunch untaken.
Oh, you utter
bastard.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2011, 08:53:19 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:52:00 PM
Also, I just hit "mark all messages read" AND pm'd The Mgt.
There shall be no reprieve, no blow too low, no cheapshot suckerpunch untaken.
Oh, you utter bastard.
You fuckers had your chance.
The temples will be cleansed with fire and sacrifices of destroyed electronics will be made?
Quote from: Science me, babby on October 24, 2011, 08:54:00 PM
The temples will be cleansed with fire and sacrifices of destroyed electronics will be made?
Just for starters.
And I really did PM The Mgt, and TRIPLE DOG-DARED him to do something about it.
THE CULT OF THE BLACK MADONNA CALLS ITS CHILDREN HOME.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:52:00 PM
Also, I just hit "mark all messages read" AND pm'd The Mgt.
There shall be no reprieve, no blow too low, no cheapshot suckerpunch untaken.
:x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x :x
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:55:31 PM
Quote from: Science me, babby on October 24, 2011, 08:54:00 PM
The temples will be cleansed with fire and sacrifices of destroyed electronics will be made?
Just for starters.
And I really did PM The Mgt, and TRIPLE DOG-DARED him to do something about it.
Though I walk through the Bieber Fever Board,
I shall not want
The MGT has been PMd
and Tucson is already here
For with horror as my guide
and mirth in my tracks
know that many will follow me,
and you may be among them.
Look out for the ostriches
They're testier than normal.
edited for expanded
It all comes down to Tucson, where failure is an option, even when it's not an option.
SEE HOW CUTE THE REV IS? HO HO! SUCH A KIDDER!
But they'll see. Oh, my, yes.
Roger? B-b-b-but I thought Roger was dead!
IS THIS FORUM HAUNTED??
G-g-g-ghosts!
/
:ohnotache:
Quote from: Cramulus on October 24, 2011, 09:18:42 PM
Roger? B-b-b-but I thought Roger was dead!
IS THIS FORUM HAUNTED??
G-g-g-ghosts!
/
:ohnotache:
See OP. I was resting peacefully, in a huge pile of burning shit and human skulls, but you fuckers weren't having it.
Someone forgot to mark it NOT Dig Safe.
You know, if the little fuckers want Mayan-style worship, I can bring them that.
I kinda KNEW you'd never actually, yanno, STAY fucking dead.
Will Tezcatlipoca's Smoking Mirror be replacing the overtired Eye & Pyramid motif on the Dollar bill?
Are we really going to stick it to those fucking Illuminati, and their dreary Echo-gnomic post apocalyptic World of dust and ashes this time?
If Tusconating the entire Globe is what it takes to Eschalatise the Immentum, then let's really loose the Beast! Rinse away the filth and grime with the hot, salty, freshly spilled blood of the enemy! Because that would be . . . . . . . well, colourful at least. And long overdue. I never dared to hope I'd actually live to see the scalding, flesh stripping winds of Tuscon thrashing the hot, dry burning reign of holocaustic righteousness before it, and bringing dessicated, searing incendiary Arizona to the frigid, dead dreams of the infidel! Props.
Happy Larenuf, TGRR! You fucking horrible cunt.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 09:13:39 PM
It all comes down to Tucson, where failure is an option, even when it's not an option.
SEE HOW CUTE THE REV IS? HO HO! SUCH A KIDDER!
But they'll see. Oh, my, yes.
Failure is always an option, almost always the most likely option, and its usually the option that happens even when you take steps against it. ESPECIALLY then.
I warned them. I did. I TOLD them not to dig.
Zip ties, I said, zip ties, and a mallet, but NO, they don't listen to me...
Um...
Welcome back, Roger, so good to see you...
WELCOME back, Rev.
(http://i55.tinypic.com/2928yli.gif)
*looks down* Ye gods.
(http://i54.tinypic.com/23hw2o4.jpg)
The so-called Mark of Tuscon...
Now, there is no hiding.
...
Then I shall meet it with equal and opposite vigor. The World Is My Burrito.
(http://i55.tinypic.com/352nhu0.jpg)
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:48:02 PM
Quote from: Science me, babby on October 24, 2011, 08:46:57 PM
There is no reprieve, no mercy, no peace in Tucson, Universal or Real. The sun will burn the truth into your eyes, and you will reject it, but lo! the truth of Tucson may never be rejected, for the burns upon thine eyes are the unveiling of all hypocrisies, manipulation, and Greydom.
You're all fucked now. Might as well grab the nearest bottle while you go run your own... errands.
THIS.
ALSO, PAYNE WILL BUILD ME AN AVATAR, FOR MY CRUSTY, DECOMPOSED BODY IS INCOMPLETE.
MAKE IT VILE.
Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner, but I fell asleep.
I will create something truly hideous. Something bowel churningly bone wrenching.
Oh my, yes.