How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
eta; Come on, everybody knows one. . . . . . . One Imperial Fuckton of comedy kudos for the crappest joke.
One of my best friends is a lawyer.
Christ, what an asshole.
It's you. You are the crap joke.
diarrhea
What's sour, yellow, and equivalent to the axiom of choice? Zorn's Lemon.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
How many Erisians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least 2, but the real question is how did they wind up in a light bulb in the fist place?
There was once a player down on his luck sitting at a table in a bar. He happens to see a beautiful "Perfect 10" woman sitting at the bar as a hideous man walks up and sits down next to her. Their backs were to him, and all he could see was the man lean in, the woman go flush, and they soon leave together. Stunned, the player goes up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey man, did you see that hottie leave with that ugly motherfucker? What the hell did he say!?" The bartender just shrugs and says, "Not much, he just sort of sat down and started licking his eyebrows."
SO Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
What's blue and green and doesn't fit any more?
A dead epileptic.
How may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.
A man was driving along the road in Germany when a car overtook him. He saw the driver and thought "Wow! that looks like Hitler, and the other
guys look like Goebels, Hess and Goerring!".
So he follows the car, and when it pulls in to a garage, he follows them. He walks over to the car and says "'Scuse me, but you look like Hitler,
and the others are familiar too".
The driver of the car replied, "Yes, i'm Hitler's grandson, and these are the grandsons of Goebles, Hess and Goerring".
The man says "Wow! But, why the uniforms, lads?"
To which the Hitler grandson replied "We are starting the Fourth Reich!".
"What will you do?" asked the man.
"We are going to kill 80 million Jews and 4 Postmen".
The man replied. "4 Postmen? Why?",
Whereupon Goebels leans over to Hess and said " See? I told you they wouldn't give a fuck about the Jews!"
I liked the latter one better when it was Britney Spears.
Quote from: Triple Zero on October 31, 2011, 09:39:28 PM
I liked the latter one better when it was Britney Spears.
Haven't heard that one, but "insert celebrity or job of choice" covers it.
eta: Even 4 Wiccans.
Q: How many lojban speakers does it take to fix a broken light bulb?
A: Sixty four. One to remove the old bulb, and sixty three to argue on the mailing list about what variety of bulb emits broken light.
A blonde walks into a bar. She has to be taken away by an ambulance, because head injuries are very serious.
An engineer, a mathematician, and an english major are each given a piece of fencing and told to produce the largest pen they can with only the fencing they have been given. The engineer makes a circle with the fencing, and then heads over to the bar for the rest of the evening. The english major, after laboriously measuring several rectangles, settles on a square. The mathematician thinks for a moment, rolls the fencing up very tightly, sticks it into the turf beside him and says "I DECLARE MYSELF INSIDE THE PEN".
Horse walks into a Bar. Orders a pint.
Barman says, "Why the long face"?
Two bits of string walk into a bar. Order a pint each, and go and sit down.
"If another piece of string comes in, can you show him where we are please" they say.
"Of course" says the Barman.
Five minutes later another piece of string walks in and orders a pint.
"Your two mates are over there" says the Barman.
"Nothing to do with me" says the piece of string.
"You're a piece of string aren't you"? says the Barman.
The piece of string looks at him, and says "Frayed Knot"
A white horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
The bartender replies, "ok, what scotch do you want, we've got several types, Johnnie Walker, Glenfiddich, Talisker, we've even got a scotch named after you"
And the horse says, "You've got a scotch called Kevin!?"
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
This website.
http://www.binarybros.com
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way, unique up on it!
^^Actually the best two jokes I've heard in quite a long while^^ :lulz:
Me "I won't be in to work today, I'm sick"
Boss "Just how sick are you"?
Me "Well, I'm in bed . . . . . . with my sister!"
Why did the snail cross the road?
Because it was wet.
Badbeast walks into a bar and sees a big jar packed to the brim with $10 bills on the counter.
He asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender looks up and says, "It's sort of a game, see, I got this horse in the back, and he's been depressed as hell lately. So, I'm trying to cheer him up. The game works like this, you put $10 in the jar and go talk to the horse. If you can make him laugh, you get the whole jar."
Badbeast thinks for a minute, puts $10 in the jar, and says "No problem!" as he heads to the back.
Not 20 seconds later, everyone in the bar hears the horse explode with laughter. Fuckin horse is cracking up and can't even catch it's breath. Badbeast comes strolling back in with a grin, grabs the jar and a beer, and walks out.
A week later Badbeast returns to the bar, and sees another jar full of $10 bills on the counter. "What, make the horse laugh again?" He asks the bartender.
"Nope. Actually, since you were here last, the silly bastard has been strutting around staring down that long nose of his at the rest of us as if his shit doesn't stink. He's been laughing at people randomly, refuses to let anyone ride him, and generally just being a smug pain in the ass horse. Deal is, if you can make the smug bastard cry, you get the jar."
Badbeast breaks out in a wide grin, pulls out a $10 bill, stuffs it in the jar, says "Watch THIS!" and wanders into the back.
This time he's not even gone 10 seconds, when suddenly everyone in the bar hears the horse neigh angrily, stomp on the ground hard, then, softly at first but building in volume, start sobbing. As Badbeast strolls back into the bar, smug look on his face, the horses cries get louder and louder. As Badbeast takes the jar and begins to leave, the bartender stops him.
"Wait just a minute there. Tell you what, I'll throw in another $100 from my own pocket if you tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry!"
"Easy," said Badbeast, "the first time I went in there, I told him my cock was bigger than his. This time, I showed him."
:lulz:
:lulz: I'll never be free of that Horse story, will I? :roll:
Q/ What's six feet tall, and screams?
A/ Stevie Wonder answering the Iron.
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.
She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"
So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"
A little boy and a paedophile are walking in the woods. The little boy says
Mister, I'm scared. These woods are really creepy.
The paedophile replies, "How do you think I feel I have to walk back all by myself".
Quote from: Pinprop on November 02, 2011, 12:38:46 AM
Why did the snail cross the road?
Because it was wet.
I don't know why this is so fucking funny. But it is.
What's blue, and fucks old ladies?
Me. In my lucky blue sweater.
a skeleton walks into a bar.
he orders a beer and a mop.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the little girl fall off of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why is shit tapered at both ends?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
Q/ What's got 2 legs, and bleeds profusely?
A/ Half a Cat.
Q/ Why does thy Penis have a ridge?
A/ To stop thine hand from slipping off the end and smacking thine own head.
Q/ What's the difference between ice cream and semen?
A/ Madelaine McCann never got to taste ice cream.
Q/ What do you say to a Feminist with no arms or legs?
A/ "Nice tits love".
:lulz:
These are magnificent.
Once there was a Horrible Rotten Bastardtm on his deathbed who decided that not only did he hate everyone, but that he wanted to be CERTAIN nobody benefited from his death financially.
The HRB called in his doctor, minister, and lawyer after he had collected his entire life savings together in cash. He put them each under contract as a stipulation of his will that they should each hold a third of his money in trust until he died and then they were to throw the money into his coffin before burial.
The HRB died and during the funeral each man walked up to the coffin and placed a satchel inside the coffin.
Afterward the three were at the bar having a drink and got to talking.
Minister: Gentlemen I have a confession to make. I took 10% of the money and gave it to a foundation that does mission work and fights poverty.
Doctor: Yeah, well that's understandable. I took even more than that and donated it to fund some promising AIDS research labs I know about.
The Lawyer's eyes went wide.
Lawyer: Well I am just shocked and ashamed by both of you. I wrote that asshole a check for the full amount!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Tennessee back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play..
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full..
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
over twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit."
She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a
blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her".
"So, I swapped the heads."
Two boys were walking through a wood when they come across a large pile of rabbit poo. One of them says:
"What's that?" The other replies:
"If you eat it, it'll make you smarter." So the lad scoops a handful and chews on it.
"This tastes like absolute crap" he splutters.
"See, you're smarter already" replies the other.
A man isn't feeling too well, so he goes to the hospital. They run some tests, then the doctor comes to see him to discuss the results.
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news - you're dying, and you haven't got long left"
The man is distraught.
"how long have I got?" he asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks?" asks the frantic patient. The doctor sadly shakes his head.
"Nine...."
A family of gypsies die in a terrible accident and end up stood outside the Pearly Gates. They knock a few times and St Peter comes to the gates to answer.
"Hello!" says one of the gypsies, "Can you let us in please?"
"Oh I dunno" says St Peter. "I'll have to go and ask"
So off goes St Peter to have a word with God.
"God, there's some gypsies at the Gates and I don't know whether to let them in or not. There's a few black marks against their names and I'm not convinced they're going to fit in here."
"Ah" says God "Everyone deserves a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and redeem themselves following death. Especially after such a trauma."
So St Peter goes back to the gates to have a word with the gypsies and soon runs back looking extremely hot and bothered to see God..
"They've gone!!"
"Who?" says God, "the gypsies?"
"No!! The Pearly fucking Gates!"
A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response whilst washing her vagina. They rushed to her husband and explained , suggesting oral sex may bring her round to which he agreed. A few moments later the nurses were alerted by the alarm from her room. The monitor had flat lined and there was no pulse..." what happened !!" they cried...the husband replies " I'm not sure, I think she may have choked ...."
Q: Why did the good lord give women thrush?
A: To teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they marry one.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, me feet are freeing mate, could you nip upstairs & get me slippers? No Bother he says & runs upstairs, & there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their bed. "Hello der girls, ur dad sent me up here the shag ya both". "Fuck off ya liar" they said, "I'll prove it" says murphy. So he shouts down the staris, "both of them Pat"? "Course, what the use of fucking one of them".
"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes"
"When do we want it?"
"Cunts!"
Q:How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Fuck Off!
A midget waddles into the library and asks,
"Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says,
"Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as: "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked a 13 year old Escort".
Still, I don't get out much and a few hours at the police station made a change... :horrormirth:
:lulz:
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third ducks.
A Duck walks into a bar. The Barman says "What can I get you to drink?"
The Duck says "Don't be ridiculous, I'm a fucking Duck"!
What happened when the cow tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?
A. A stick.
Q. What do you call a car without an automatic transmission?
A. A stick.
I moustache you a question... no, never mind, I'll shave it for later.
what's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:19:02 AM
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
This is the best joke.
what's blue and sticky?
a blue stick.
what's green and smells like paint?
green paint.
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:44:12 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 06, 2011, 03:32:13 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:19:02 AM
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
This is the best joke.
It is MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME.
:lulz:
Agreed!!
Once there was a man who had true faith in God. The Almighty saw fit to send a terrible storm to his region and the place started to flood very quickly. He had to take shelter on the roof of his house. Eventually a man in a rowboat came by and offered to take him to safety. The man replied, "No, the Lord will save me!"
Soon, the water rose even higher and the storm got worse. Eventually the water was up to the top of the rain gutters. A motorboat full of refugees came by and offered to take him to safety, they had room for just one more. The man replied "No! Go save someone else!
The Lord will save me!"
The waters eventually reached the top of the roof. An emergency helicopter came and hovered over the house with a ladder down The crew beckoned him urgently, but man looked up at the rescuers and said, "Don't worry, I know the Lord will save me!" The storm soon got so bad that the helicopter crew could not stick around and try to reason with him. The waters eventually washed the man off his roof and he died horribly.
When he got to heaven he demanded an audience with God and made such a fuss that it was soon granted.
He asked God, "WHY? Why didn't you save me Lord? I've always believed in you!"
God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter you idiot!"
One day, Trix registered at PD.
Things didn't go well.
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:44:12 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 06, 2011, 03:32:13 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:19:02 AM
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
This is the best joke.
It is MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME.
MINE TOO!
But we already established that amazing coincidence a couple of years back :)
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe -- but he had two extra things left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing -- and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Multiple orgasms," God said.
Quote from: Luna on November 06, 2011, 09:19:41 PM
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe -- but he had two extra things left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing -- and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Multiple orgasms," God said.
:lulz:
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 06, 2011, 07:38:38 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:44:12 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 06, 2011, 03:32:13 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 06, 2011, 05:19:02 AM
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
This is the best joke.
It is MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME.
MINE TOO!
But we already established that amazing coincidence a couple of years back :)
But it NEVER gets old!
And it's a great joke to write on toilet walls :P.
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I don't know what disturbs me more about my attraction towards my girlfriend's mother.
The fact that she's 51 or the fact that she's also my mother.
Horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
Bartender turns to him and says, "What is this some sort of joke?"
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."
"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"
"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
"But I don't have a..." :horrormirth: