It occurs to me that nobody has ever explained to the Europeans just exactly what they created over here in America. I guess I'd better remedy that, as it is unwise to make decisions without important facts, and right now America is a factor that cannot be ignored in world politics, for good or for ill (mostly for ill). So I'm gonna rip our collective face off, in the style of the Dark Empress Nigel, and let you see the bare skull underneath. This is not to be construed as my personal beliefs, but rather as an observation of how America works. Here goes.
Fuck you.
That's right, fuck you guys. Seriously. We're sitting on more than 400 years worth of butthurt here, and it's YOUR FAULT. While this doesn't excuse our actions, you caused it. We are the descendents of people who couldn't get along, for reasons that vary from individual psychotics to religions that just couldn't fit in (The puritans, for example, were not allowed by the English crown to execute their own church members for transgressions against the faith.).
All of those ancestors of ours were ordered out or pressured (Hey, Stanislaw, get your arse to America or your house might have an accident while you're sleeping) to leave, or simply not given any other economic options. Unlike Australia, most of our ancestors weren't actually convicted of anything, AND YOU THREW US OUT.
Oh, don't think we've forgotten that we weren't good enough for your perfect little nations. Don't think we don't know that you thought everything would be JUST FINE if you threw out the troublemakers. Don't for ONE INSTANT think that a few decades or centuries would allow the national consciousness to drop the gripe and let bygones be bygones.
No, you dumped us here, and we did what we do best, which was to put a fucking hurting on everyone in our way (Sorry about that, Sitting Bull), until we ran into another ocean. Then we went isolationist, like a petulant child sulking in his room, and created the Monroe Doctrine to keep you all away while we attempted to gobble up every piece of land to our South.
We're basically okay with the English, for two reasons: They tried to keep a hold on us (or at least put on a good show of it), and they're the only people in the world that are as violent as us in every possible sense of the word. The rest of you DIDN'T WANT US and DIDN'T APPROVE and DIDN'T GIVE US ENOUGH ATTENTION.
Basically, you're bad parents.
Hell, the only reasons we really got involved in WWII was because we could snicker a bit at the countries that threw us the fuck out, and it was an excuse to FUCK PEOPLE UP, you know, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK!", since we were all out of Indians. And once we broke out of that isolationism, every single thing we've done has been a means of showing Europe up. The space race, Vietnam, Iraq, everything.
Ever wonder why we're all religious nuts, and why jingoistic fuckbags like Rush Limbaugh are so popular? It's because of what I've been saying...We are the pig-ignorant, cheerfully psychotic people that couldn't get along in your societies, and you GENIUSES put us all in ONE PLACE.
So, yeah. Fuck you.
Or Kill Me
To be continued.
:mittens:
:lulz: There's no limit to what a little snub can do!
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EUROPE!
Quote from: Cramulus on November 11, 2011, 04:48:37 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EUROPE!
Just reporting the facts, here,
as seen by the nationally equivalent of a terminally angsty 15 year old.The other 4 chapters will expand on things a bit, from a slightly more objective viewpoint.
Blame me. I'll volunteer to be your Mustache Jesus™
That was fucking brilliant! :lulz: :mittens:
:lulz:
Quote from: Waffle Iron on November 11, 2011, 04:55:43 PM
Blame me. I'll volunteer to be your Mustache Jesus™
Well, I guess I completely fucking failed to get the idea across, based on the responses so far.
ETA: Okay, so two people out of 5 seem to have gotten it. I'm still doin' it wrong, though.
I can confirm everything TTGR said. Every little bit of it. I mean, hell, we spent decades pissing off Indians and then begging England to come our rescue when we were just its colonies, and then the reasons we tried to evict them were essentially the reasonings of a spoiled teenage brat, refusing to accept the boundaries set down by a parent tired of having to deal with whatever mess we got ourselves into. The taxes weren't really that bad, if memory serves, but nooo, 180 years of crazy and butthurt stewing fueled an adolescent temper tantrum that lead to a revolution and eviction of the parent who had always shooed off the rightly pissed off indigenous folk when we stomped on.
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 05:09:03 PM
I can confirm everything TTGR said. Every little bit of it. I mean, hell, we spent decades pissing off Indians and then begging England to come our rescue when we were just its colonies, and then the reasons we tried to evict them were essentially the reasonings of a spoiled teenage brat, refusing to accept the boundaries set down by a parent tired of having to deal with whatever mess we got ourselves into. The taxes weren't really that bad, if memory serves, but nooo, 180 years of crazy and butthurt stewing fueled an adolescent temper tantrum that lead to a revolution and eviction of the parent who had always shooed off the rightly pissed off indigenous folk when we stomped on.
Yeah, I'm going to tie that juvenile shit into the whole current teabagger tax shit, the endless gluttony, the individual and national debt, etc, in part II.
Ah. Sorry to steal your thunder there.
I look forward to watching this idea evolve, by the way.
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 05:12:53 PM
Ah. Sorry to steal your thunder there.
Oh, no, now worries. I was actually glad to see that post, because I know SOMEONE got what I was saying. The first few responses weren't encouraging. Cram didn't seem to get the angst thing, and the other two made me want to fucking not bother continuing.
Quote from: Science me, babby on November 11, 2011, 05:13:08 PM
I look forward to watching this idea evolve, by the way.
Almost everything we do
as a culture is in essence the same thing an adolescent does if left unsupervised. What's wrong with the kids today? They're just following our example.
:? I just wanted to say I liked the piece, I'm sorry if I didn't get it
Quote from: Cramulus on November 11, 2011, 05:17:05 PM
:? I just wanted to say I liked the piece, I'm sorry if I didn't get it
It's hardly your fault. I failed to make my point.
:lulz: Oh, this is GREAT!
IT'S MY LIFE AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT! I HATE YOU! :lulz:
Quote from: Nigel on November 11, 2011, 05:27:03 PM
IT'S MY LIFE AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT! I HATE YOU! :lulz:
YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, STUPID OLD MAN!
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING. YOU NEVER WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU EVER HAD ME.
Nobody understands us! :( Besides, they just wish they were young so they could be cool, too.
The idea of america being a pissy teenager also explains why america seems to be totally incapable of understanding the perspectives of other countries, the shortsightedness and procrastination on climate change and the idea that everyone should listen to us because were smart and have all the answers and that some how the world revolves around us.
Oh and those popularity contests we call elections.
I saw it as a polemic taken from the point of view of someone who says things like, "NOW look what you made me do." and you perfectly nailed the attitude of petulant teenager that any sane observer would conclude is our national character.
And I know that, as an American, I share at least part of the blame for that.
Apologies if that wasn't your intention. I'm still looking forward to the next four parts.
Listen, I'm just asking you to calm down and listen for a minute...
\
(http://terrorismhistory.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/un.jpg)
NUH UH, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME AND YOU'RE NOT SO BIG!
/
(http://www.theus50.com/images/usmap.gif)
:mittens:
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 11, 2011, 05:32:06 PM
I saw it as a polemic taken from the point of view of someone who says things like, "NOW look what you made me do." and you perfectly nailed the attitude of petulant teenager that any sane observer would conclude is our national character.
^also this^
Looking forward to reading the rest of these.
America is the snubbed, now spoiled petulant child who finally got his way and now doesn't know what to do with himself except fuck shit up.
I got the angst part. The whole great snub reference was because that story IS about childish reaction, rejection, and disastrous consequence.
I want to read the rest of this and did not mean to discourage you. I liked it enough to post in one of your threads and tell you so against my usual stance on such things.
I'll go back to my corner now and pout for a bit. Sorry I liked your shit. It was my bad for not crying enough apparently.
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR AND YOU NEVER EVEN CALL
SPENDING ALL YOUR MONEY ON YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE TOYS, BULLYING THOSE OLD QUAINT FOLK IN THEIR SAND GARDEN HOME
AND WHO HAS TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR PAMPERED LITTLE ASS?
AND DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR "GET RICH QUICK FREE MONEY" SCAMS, THOSE GUYS ARE NOT YOUR "FRIENDS"
YOU HAD SUCH A BRIGHT FUTURE, DOING SO WELL, SUCH GREAT IDEAS AND SKILLS TO BUILD MACHINES, I REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU BACKPACKED TO THE MOON TO "FIND YOURSELF", WE WERE SO PROUD
IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANY MORE
You would think they would have been "aware" right?
I mean after all we only continued to do the same shit that made them tell us to get the fuck off their rock and come to this one.
Frankly, I'm quite surprised that we didn't try to make headway into South America just for being there.
As for Canada, oh yes, we have plans for Canada. Just biding our time. Lulling them into complacency.
Quote from: Khara on November 11, 2011, 08:05:17 PM
Frankly, I'm quite surprised that we didn't try to make headway into South America just for being there.
We did. For about 75 years.
Actually khara- it was the confederacys plan to start building an empire if they won. The plan was to move into and take over parts of central and south america. The union kinda made it a moot point though.
Quote from: Nph. Twid. on November 11, 2011, 08:14:54 PM
Actually khara- it was the confederacys plan to start building an empire if they won. The plan was to move into and take over parts of central and south america. The union kinda made it a moot point though.
We still spent the better part of a century pissing everyone South of the Rio Grande off.
Yep. Monroe Doctrine. And the Mexican American War. And the various games we played in Cuba. And the other invasions of South American countries.
ETA: Empire's workshop: Latin America, the United States, and the rise of the new imperialism (http://books.google.com/books?id=7OX5QaLkH-YC&printsec=frontcover&dq=empire%27s+workshop&hl=en&ei=IoO9TtqeH8eTiALTpbSQAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=book-preview-link&resnum=1&ved=0CDAQuwUwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false)
BTW I didn't mention: awesome, and looking forward to the rest of the series!
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 08:16:59 PM
Yep. Monroe Doctrine.
Well, that was more of a "HEY ALLA YOUSE YURRUP BASTARDS! STAY OUT OF *OUR* SHIT!"
Mostly we just grabbed what we could, and overthrew any goverment that didn't do what our corporations told them to do. Kind of like now.
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 11, 2011, 08:18:03 PM
BTW I didn't mention: awesome, and looking forward to the rest of the series!
I never realized nobody ever explained America.
For some reason, I thought everyone knew. :lulz:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 11, 2011, 08:18:23 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 08:16:59 PM
Yep. Monroe Doctrine.
Well, that was more of a "HEY ALLA YOUSE YURRUP BASTARDS! STAY OUT OF *OUR* SHIT!"
Mostly we just grabbed what we could, and overthrew any goverment that didn't do what our corporations told them to do. Kind of like now.
True, though imperialism as still there. And edited that -
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 08:16:59 PM
Yep. Monroe Doctrine. And the Mexican American War. And the various games we played in Cuba. And the other invasions of South American countries.
ETA: Empire's workshop: Latin America, the United States, and the rise of the new imperialism (http://books.google.com/books?id=7OX5QaLkH-YC&printsec=frontcover&dq=empire%27s+workshop&hl=en&ei=IoO9TtqeH8eTiALTpbSQAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=book-preview-link&resnum=1&ved=0CDAQuwUwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false)
I was just trying to be funny, I obviously failed. :oops:
I enjoyed this piece and look forward to the rest of the series.
This is something I have suspected, but never had it put into words. Looking forward to part II.
Bump for use elsewhere.