For Villager
Little bit of back story: Villager's been my bassist for way longer than she's been my girlfriend, so I used to get her bass related stuff all the time. Then I did that once after we started dating and she forbade me to ever do it again since I'm not just her guitarist anymore.
You mean more to me than just a meat wallet
Sometimes you also go down and then swallow it
And now that it's come to that time of year
It's not just about banging you from the rear
Well I know you like history and I know you like science
And that you don't want any music appliance
So I got you two gifts that I thought worth giving
Both tell a story, but one's now not living
The gifts:
Life of Nobody
Tickets to the Pompeii exhibit at the Museum of Science
The Keyboardist's sister
Back story- she keeps table books in the bathroom
Weeze- what can I say?
I had trouble thinking all yesterday
What I could get you this winter
Anne Marie gave advice-she's a good hinter
But everything came together and I had a plan
And I thought it all up when I was on the can
Yes, I was thinking of you while making ass wiggles
I got you a gift for shits and for giggles
The gift: Signspotting 4
The Keyboardist
Back story- when her batteries die her keyboard makes a terrible sound. She also like painting.
Anne Marie, my long time friend
Easy was it to think on what to spend
On some sort of thing for your holiday cheer
Until we have to go through it again next year
Rechargeable juice to stop buzzing from your keyboard stand
Or if preferred, to keep your friend buzzing in your hand
Alas, for that, the online reviews said they sucked
And for a moment thought my shopping was fucked
But then I remembered and felt relief and glee
So I got you a gift that's oily
The gift- oil paints and canvas, though I was going to get her a battery recharger.
The old roommate
The back story- he used to live here with Villager, Weeze, and Anne Marie. THen he moved to Phoenix. He came back for Christmas as a surprise the other day. Also, he prefers men.
Some they like whiskey and some they like wine
And to some other people, anything is just fine
You already know what I got you in a hurry
Something that would get your speech nice and slurry
I hope you do like it, and it I hope you don't mind
Feel free to share it with whomever you're banging's behind.
The gift- Gin
ETA- more to come, but those were the ones already opened.
Awesome. It's got the catchy cleverness of "dick in a box", but with much more personal meaning.
Dude, you absolutely nailed it! Including the personal stabs, the occasional awkward/forced rhyme and even hinting at the present they wanted but you are not actually giving!
(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/7218/twiddleklaas.jpg)
(don't think I've forgotten the WOMPs I owe you!)
Awesome! I got a couple more coming. I didn't write any for my family because I'm not sure how they would take it.
Next up- my guitarist, his wife, and my drummer and his girlfriend.
To the other guitarist:
Back story: He's a New England Patriots fan, and as much of a drinker as I.
Pat, my friend, everyone got you Patriots* swag
But what's all that worth if you're not half in the bag?
Now I'm all about loving our home New England
But I figured you would want a different thing and
WE all know well that sports aren't for thinkers
No, the only people that boring crap entertains are the drinkers
So I didn't get Pat a Pats logo thing
I got you something to get you through watching the game.
The gift: a bottle of Sam Adams Infinium, which is a limited release, 20 proof beer.
*New England's American football team
Pat's newlywed wife:
Meaghan, I got you and Pat gifts to get you shitfaced
But unlike your husband, you have classier taste
Though you like hooch, and you find beer just fine
Sometimes a girl wants her buzz from the vine
So when you and he are at home and all plastered
You can do it snobbier than that silly bastard
But don't forget when you're drunk off your ass
Some dude's feet were in it before it got to your glass.
The gift: a bottle of wine
The Drummer and his Girlfriend:
Backstory: Peter loves candy, and they're trying to get an apartment together, and I made it seem like I got them a tent for squatting purposes. Peter also has a job as a masseur:
Peter and Caitie, your gift will be joint
And unimaginative too, but there is a point
I could have gotten you both something more dandy
But it's plain to me that you spend your tips all on candy
And since Caitie told me that you two have a goal
To get both your asses out of Rozzie's* asshole
It may not be much but it's money well spent
If you miss your goal, you can at least have a tent.
The gift: $50 for rent, when they get a place
*Rozzie=Roslindale, a neighborhood in Boston
Going to put this up here since the gift has been sitting in front of his door for awhile.
The girlfirend's/Keyboardist's/Keyboardist's sister's roommate
Backstory: Gamer, and stoner who's almost never around, cool shit though he is. His girlfriend is named Andrea, who is also a former roommate, in the same room.
Donny [French last name], my favorite French stoner
You're always off gaming unless Andie's on your boner
Hiding in your room, with whiskey to scorch
Except when you're toking out on the back porch
Don't take this as harsh, cuz I think your the shit
And I hope that this gift bring science to your next hit
The gift: A book on different ways to make bongs.
Bump-O
Villager's gift came in the mail today so I'll be doing this again.
Bump. Will post in a day or two.
Oshit, I missed this when ir first showed up. :lulz:
Solid fucking gold.
No fears cainad. The rest of the band agrees with you and has demanded it remain tradition.
Bamp. Here we go. Also I miss you Trip. I miss you.
To my Keyboardist:
My friend Anne Marie, you have a way with words
and lyrics about monsters that show inner nerd
I got you a gift, that I hope's a bit a surprise
And though I forgot- I hope it's the right size
You show your finesse, and you show your class
This will help you show your inner badass.
To, obviously, my keyboardist. I got her a Sons of Anarchy T-Shirt
To her sister, who is Villager's roommate too:
Liz, this Christmas I was tempted again
To get you a book for when you're on your rear end
But before my search began, it came to a stop
I got your gift in the Lab's Yankee Swap
So this year's item has a a little more class
But don't shake the box- this one is made of glass
Liz likes candle stuff.
To be continued....
The Anarchangel roommate sitch this time around involves a dood with a thick fahkin accent kehd. His name is Bryan. We call him B. Also, he drinks tea that makes him poo.
B, what would yah get if yah had yah druthuhs
What can one get someone who calls everyone bruthah
I thought, "dood maybe a pot for poop tea/
Or summ'n ta do with chakras foah yoah enuhgy
Then I remembuh'd you kinda look like a geek
So I figyuh'd I'd get somethin to augment that chic
To Villager:
My love, what could either of us do?
Both of us had to go for the Who.
And though you are guarded by capable Mouse (my stuffed animal, which she has claimed. Mouse is a nasty assassin, btw)
He needs a little help to guard your house
How can I join your nerd
With a touch of my own absurd
How can I alleviate your paranoia
Well I got just the right thing for ya
While simultaneously giving old Mouse a warrior
And something that will never bore ya
For this gift I was never late
Take delight when you hear
EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!!!!!!
And like, I said, Villager has take up Sinterklaas. So, here's her statement to me (while I take a drag and not give a fuck for about 5 min)
Villager to me:
I considered many gifts before I got you this
The first one was so awesome, that I could not resist
The second was an afterthought but made me think of you
because you wanted it last year so now it's overdue
They do seem unrelated-I hope that it is fine
But they have some things in common, in fact their names do rhyme!
Both are something practical, you can use them every day
Both nearly indestructible, and resist microwaves
Both have had devoted followers for decades at this rate
But only one will EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!!!!
The gifts of course, were a Dalek alarm clock and Pyrex.
Oh, Liz got candle holders, and I gave B a book about stupid ancient history. Matter of fact the book was actually titled "Stupid Ancient History"
Excellently executed.