Here's an abriged collection of the stories my boss Don tells me. He's had a lot of adventures, to believe it all. The odd thing is, whenever a bit of evidence comes up, it's always in his favor. So I thought I'd start writing it down to keep better track. I can't really tell how true these stories are, but I enjoy them and I can't disprove them.
Most recent story he told: He's having a shipping container of random stuff being packed by his guys offshore to be sent here. A collection of wine and guns in the mix along with furniture and other crap. He tells them to keep them hidden because he could go to jail if it gets seen on inspection. So, naturally, they drink all the wine, send the empty bottles, and pack the guns in plain sight. It miraculously arrives, uninspected. They are totally busted and he calls them on it. Don tells this story with just the mildest opprobrium of his employees, no hint of a grudge. I comment on the unbelievable nerve of stealing his wine and sending him guns, and he remarks that they're still in his employ, and they are good team, they just "have problems when they start drinking." He smiles faintly as he says this. He is always seemingly unperturbed by these sorts of offenses when recalling them.
----
A couple times he tells a story of his factory in Guadalajara, where some of his employees were smoking pot in the bathroom. He decides to park a forklift in front of the door, and sprays fire extinguisher into the bathroom's air vent, putting an end to the siesta. When they come out, he apologizes, saying that he mistook the smoke for a fire. He seems to get a kick out of this. It's a good story. If I'd done it myself, I would enjoy retelling it too.
----
Once, he caught a few of his employees using his personal bar at the factory to get some of the office girls passed-out drunk. They then used Don's camera and computers to take naked photos of the drunk office girls in compromising positions. These are the same guys who would would look at and save shitting girl porn on the company computers while on the clock. They are mostly if not all still working for him.
----
This is my take on Don's dog, Boss, the generously named "guard dog" whose hacking coughs and goofy partial paralysis makes him unable to do anything but lie around, accept head scratches, and fart, used to be a beast back in Mexico. Don says he'd attack bulls and lose. Get thrown thirty feet through the air, come bounding back... This dog is supposed to have been the runt of the litter, and Don told me one story where he saw a cat or something, and started pulling his wife so hard that she hit the ground, and got all her knees skinned off and she still held on to the leash because she's so insanely attached to it for some reason. Now the dog's got a lot of dead nerves halfway down the spine, and he says he's been having some weird stoner veterinarian lady shock his nerve endings with electrodes. He says that Boss was paralyzed from the waist down completely until this treatment, and couldn't even lift his leg to pee. What's extra weird is that his wife Da treats Boss like he's her baby, always coo-cooing him, giving him treats, setting up nice beds for him, petting him all the time. Like, the other day I'm working at my desk, and I start to hear this sound like a boar or a goat trying to cough up a tonka truck. I look over and Boss is on his back, and Don's wife is tugging at his forepaws, and he's trying to bite her hands, all the while making this noise. It isn't a dog noise at all. It is the sound of Boss laughing. It's like an oink, if there was ever a pig that chain smoked for thirty years. And the tired old beast follows her around like he's attached at the waist, loping around clumsily trying to lie next to her and whining for attention while she works.
Soon I'll try and write up the story of how he escaped Puente Grande...
I've heard that sound from dogs, or at least one very similar. :lulz:
Also, where the fuck do you work?
A motorcycle leather bag, seat, and accessory manufacturer in the east bay. I do online sales.
Those stories are awesome!
Aww, I thought Jasper had come back. :(
Quote from: I am a Guru named Coyote on January 16, 2012, 02:14:32 AM
I've heard that sound from dogs, or at least one very similar. :lulz:
Also, where the fuck do you work?
That's what I was thinking.