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not a rant, or even funny. I just can't seem to write or think about anything else. My mind is mush right now.
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Every time I get close to making some kind of emotional connection to any dude things go south. I don't mean dates or dating, though I have more than enough horror stories about that. I mean I go south (in before lmnuendo).
It's a process that develops over time and repeats itself, growing exponentially.
It starts with slight nervousness, self-doubt. Then I tell myself to get the fuck over it and let it go. But after a short time it doesn't really have any effect. I'll spare you all the gory details, but by the end of it (the point where I just throw my hands in the air after cleaning up the vomit and vow to never try to deal with men again. Then I get a girlfriend, it ends, and I tell myself: you ought to get over this thing with dudes, work through it. Face the fear. ) I can hardly look men I know in the eye. My belly is filled with red hot rage at everything remotely masculine.
And the cycle starts back over.
I used to feel similarly about women. I used to feel that way about everybody at once. But with men the overwhelming sensation of anxiety, tension, rage, and fear sits waiting.
And I don't know how to break through that wall.
Im posting this here because no one IRL seems to know what fuck I'm talking about, plus I value the insight and judgement you freaks provide. Plus it makes me uncomfortable to talk about this which must be a sure sign to do it anyway.
Oh hey, look, it's "Queen Gogira's history with same-sex relationships" with the genders swapped :wink:
It sucks, it doesn't get better without slogging through more suck, sorry you're in the meat of it.
While I'm happy I'm not the only one, your response fills me with rabid, but quite sad, pandas.
Quote from: Alty on February 02, 2012, 10:53:42 PM
I used to feel similarly about women. I used to feel that way about everybody at once. But with men the overwhelming sensation of anxiety, tension, rage, and fear sits waiting.
And I don't know how to break through that wall.
Seems like a perfectly valid set of emotions surrounding men. We tend to be the biggest assholes towards anyone who doesn't neatly fit into society's gender roles.
Is there some sort of mental health person you could see, or someone you really trust that you can talk about this with in person? Sometimes there are nonverbal clues about these sort of things that astute observers can pick up on IRL.
What's your intuition say about the reasons for these feelings?
:( I know what kind of feeligns you're talking about. I still haven't figured out a way to cope with it.
I hope you figure it out, though, because that shit sucks. You deserve happiness so bad, its crazy.
I used to be pretty afraid of same-sex friendships, but then I met this awesome chick who basically cornered me and was like "We are going to be friends, and I am not leaving you alone until we are".
You would think that should have scared me out of it, but instead it was the beginning of something awesome.