Fuck you, Department of the V-fucking-A. You're utterly useless for anything but throwing more drugs at a problem you have utterly failed to accurately diagnose treat, or give a horse's hooty-tootie about. I'll do it myself...NO DON'T BOTHER GETTING OFF YOUR ASS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THANKS BUT NO THANKS, I GOT THIS.
So now, due to being horrifyingly paper-fucked and violated by you, the US Navy, my ex BF who was a Navy Corpsman and who raped my medical records but suffered ZERO as far as accountability is concerned, you have robbed me of:
1. 2 clearly service-connected disabilities and Tx for the same
2. A proper rating of 20% or greater, leaving me for TEN YEARS with a rating that inadequately addresses or acknowledges the REAL level shit I have to put up with as a result of the shit you broke.
3. My GI Bill benefits (THAT one REALLY stung: getting the shaft when it comes to fixing shit that's broken is bad enough but having you BREAK what I already paid for MYSELF simply because "time ran out" while I was too busy managing the aforementioned disability is fucking sadistic).
4. Now, you are trying to exclude me from the one option I have left through a game of "Delay her paperwork and keep kicking it back until the disqualification date."
Fuck you.
FUCK YOU, BUREAUCRATIC JUDICIAL SYSTEM.
I have put up with unimaginable amounts of shit and watched my entire life fall apart in front of me to FIGHT my way through enough school to CLAW my way out of this sewage hole IN SPITE OF every obstacle imaginable. I have been separated from my son since June 2011. I have been beaten down, physically, socially and psychologically by every motherfucker to encounter me in my weakened state. There is no shortage of contemptuous KICKS on behalf of the weak, bitter and insecure. I have been victim to fraud, abuse, violence, theft, waste and utter incompetence. Been surrounded by sickness and alcoholism. CRIED OUT for help, using every available resource only to be mocked and ignored by a system whose attention seemingly goes only to those willing to act like total fucking PSYCHOPATHS to get what they want and need.
I am exhausted.
I don't want to try anymore. I can't live a life of being a total fucking asshole: it is a strategy I have neither the lack of conscience or aptitude to employ but it's almost certain at this point that I am nearly completely FUCKED.
I need HELP. I need a fucking BREAK.
I have come close to making "the final cut" but I know that I will never actually do this. My little kid is entitled to my utter devotion to being an endless source of strength and unconditional love for him. If no one else in this entire fucking miserable WORLD, at least he has me. At LEAST that. That's far more than I ever had and I wish little more than to be sufficient at providing THAT.
We are falling through the cracks, though. Too smart and resourceful to be taken seriously as one in need of any help and too weak and lacking in skill and resources to pull us to safety...like a flood survivor, clinging uselessly to a sinking piece of flotsam: the fact that I have not yet let go the only criteria for my being ignored while wild apes loot my home and empty my bank account and I uselessly and powerlessly look on, screaming "STOP! THIEVES!"
I'm so angry, it's all I can do to bite back the tears and swallow the lump in my throat. To be faced with the fact that my hard-won education has been utterly POINTLESS. That I am of no more value here with it than before the investment and struggle is a slap in the face.
So what will I do? We both KNOW what I'll do. I will wipe your phlegm off my cheek, buck up like a good girl and keep fighting. Quietly. I will stand up and scan the room for another exit, will assess the resources available and feel the gears turn in my head while I try to fashion a battering-ram out of found objects in a room full of splintered wood and broken things while the hateful continue to frustrate my efforts with butane and salt rubbed in my wounds.
Holy fuck. :sad:
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 12:00:29 AM
To be faced with the fact that my hard-won education has been utterly POINTLESS.
What?
When I was 14, I lived in a shitty neighborhood on Long Island--a Hamlet in the Town of Islip called Brentwood.
I was the "weird girl" in school. Teachers resented me because I was bright and capable but so fucked up with untreated ADD and who-the-fuck-knows-what-else unspecified social disorder (Mild Asperger's? Maybe?) that I was a mess of frustrating disorganization, unfollowed instructions and a demeanor that seemed to rub everyone the wrong way for reasons I couldn't comprehend.
My parents were psychotic: my father profoundly violent, my mother profoundly neglectful. I carried myself with a guilty conscience. I still have a hard time looking people in the eye when they're speaking to me.
I was a total social misfit: too smart to get along and go along with the stoners and retards. Too much of a basket case to be considered for inclusion in anyone's "reindeer games." This was fine with me. I had an old Walkman and an endless array of cassette tapes containing everything from The Beatles to pop music nicked from Casey Kasem's Top 40 to the then, bizarre "nu-wave" alternative shit nabbed off WLIR, WDRE and the SUNY Stoney Brook station; WUSB.
There's an incident that's sort of a defining event in my life. One day, walking home from school, these boys who walked my same route were behind me. One of them had somehow obtained a new pellet gun and they were laughing and shooting at stuff with the thing: street signs, whatever. This was in 1990--way before anyone got it into their heads to do bag searches at school.
Eventually, shooting inanimate objects wasn't enough and they began to shoot at me. Hitting my book-bag, at first, they moved onto my head and my legs and shoulders. It stung. Each pellet left a sting bright enough to pop flashbulbs off inside my head. But the thing that still puzzles me is my response.
Something in my head told me "Don't turn around. Don't acknowledge them at all. Just walk faster and endure. This will be over soon." I don't quite comprehend this tactic. I suppose my fear at the time was that if I turned around, I'd get a faceful or an eyeful. If I ran, they'd run too and it would get worse. So much worse.
So I walked fast and tried not to flinch. Tried not to indicate that I felt anything at all. I walked as fast as I could without breaking into a run. Eventually, I rounded my corner and they went the opposite way.
But the thing that stands out most is that I didn't say a word to anyone. No one would believe me. My parents didn't care, the school would question them and drop it altogether when the accusation was denied. After all: it didn't even happen on school grounds. Bringing it up in school could only result in further humiliation. Already ashamed and aware of the pointlessness of fighting the situation, I let it drop and hoped it would be a solitary incident that faded into distant memory, facing instead the reality of what is.
I both respect and detest this instinct to at all costs endure within myself. There is a part of me that deeply feels for the injustices of others and an inner, suppressed rage at those which I have endured that I am only just beginning to uncover. But the overwhelming instinct is to not act out or respond in a way which would cripple future efforts or foreclose future opportunities to get the last laugh and to not, whatever I do, allow these things to poison me. To turn me into an animal of equal cheapness. I have this unquietable drive to not become the monster myself--to not lose my humanity.
But there is no question in recent years that I have undoubtedly led a life of cyclical violations to my good nature and disrespect of my fuzzy boundaries. The only constant factor being myself, I have to face the probability that I am, through my silent endurance, bringing it upon myself.
Becoming more and more disillusioned with the concepts of "inevitable justice" (Their behavior will certainly lead to their own doom) and "pick your battles," I feel something I've never felt before: a hybrid of helplessness and anger and (dare I say?) vengeance.
And it seems the only preventative measure I can take these days is to simply hide. To limit my interaction with others. To not waste my efforts and to guard access to myself. To close up. To live in sort of a state of fear.
Ugly, ugly, ugly fear.
You are not alone, nav. I feel exactly the same.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 10, 2012, 01:06:25 AM
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 12:00:29 AM
To be faced with the fact that my hard-won education has been utterly POINTLESS.
What?
Oh yeah! I'm seeeeriously considering the Tucson thing as of late. NONE of my graduating classmates in EMT-Basic have found work in EMS and while I'm the ONLY one of my class to pass the National Reg for AEMT, my prospects are even
lower around here due to the ironic existence of the "You're overqualified to be a Basic but we don't want to pay anyone to be an Advanced" dichotomy. They can't legally employ me as a Basic and force me to ignore my skillset and legal Duty To Act as an AEMT but no one wants to pay more than 12 bucks an hour here in 'Bama and I'm faced with the "can't find a place without a job/can't legally work in EMS unless I'm a resident" bullshit in New Orleans.
If the VA would get off their ass and grant me Voc Rehab to finish my degree as a Paramedic, I'd be better off because medics are in short supply but they're stupid. I get letters from them telling me they've scheduled an appointment from me 100 miles away in Biloxi and that I need to report in 2 days. If I reschedule or fail to show, they drop my application. No one ever picks up the fucking phone (I've left the phone plugged in on speakerphone while I do my household chores for over an HOUR and not had anyone take me off hold).
I feel STUCK.
:argh!:
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 10, 2012, 01:06:25 AM
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 12:00:29 AM
To be faced with the fact that my hard-won education has been utterly POINTLESS.
What?
Oh yeah! I'm seeeeriously considering the Tucson thing as of late. NONE of my graduating classmates in EMT-Basic have found work in EMS and while I'm the ONLY one of my class to pass the National Reg for AEMT, my prospects are even lower around here due to the ironic existence of the "You're overqualified to be a Basic but we don't want to pay anyone to be an Advanced" dichotomy. They can't legally employ me as a Basic and force me to ignore my skillset and legal Duty To Act as an AEMT but no one wants to pay more than 12 bucks an hour here in 'Bama and I'm faced with the "can't find a place without a job/can't legally work in EMS unless I'm a resident" bullshit in New Orleans.
If the VA would get off their ass and grant me Voc Rehab to finish my degree as a Paramedic, I'd be better off because medics are in short supply but they're stupid. I get letters from them telling me they've scheduled an appointment from me 100 miles away in Biloxi and that I need to report in 2 days. If I reschedule or fail to show, they drop my application. No one ever picks up the fucking phone (I've left the phone plugged in on speakerphone while I do my household chores for over an HOUR and not had anyone take me off hold).
I feel STUCK.
:argh!:
Hit the want ads, etc in Tucson. Not the paper, it's worthless. Monster.com or something.
I happen to know EMTs are in short supply here, and also in Benson.
The only thing is: how the FUCK could I pull that off? Where the fuck would I live? I'd be starting over AGAIN with no stuff, no resources, no connections except through you guys.
I can't go back to New York. I tried that and it was the most abysmally depressing thing I've done to myself in a long time. I. Do. Not. Fit. There. And the Seasonal Affective Disorder is like a prescription for tri-weekly panic attacks.
FUCKING FUCK.
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 01:32:43 AM
The only thing is: how the FUCK could I pull that off?
Dunno. Look around first, see what's out there, and THEN worry about that. Sitting where you are obviously isn't going to do much good.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 10, 2012, 01:34:29 AM
Quote from: navkat on April 10, 2012, 01:32:43 AM
The only thing is: how the FUCK could I pull that off?
Dunno. Look around first, see what's out there, and THEN worry about that. Sitting where you are obviously isn't going to do much good.
Yes, this. Look on Craigslist for ideas on if there are people looking for roommates, search jobs.com or jobing.com or tucsonhelpwanted.com for what kind of jobs are out there, and keep your spirits and sense of adventure up if you're really going for it.
I don't know what the job market or wage scale is for an EMT in PDX, but as far as you as a person goes you'd fit in just FINE here. I wish I could offer something more helpful than advice, but I have no connections here since I'm gone 8+ months a year and don't really have much of a social circle.
As for dealing with the VA's bureaucratic crapflood, well, yeah. I feel ya.
I'd tell you to move here, but I LIKE you.
Seriously, though, you could have the job all lined up first like Dok said, and it would make getting a place easier.
FUCK YOU.
You heckling, bitchy little snot-fuckers. The hypocrisy lies in the fact that you act oh so conscientious. Your wailing about social justice is poison to my ears: I saw you step on that poor bastard in the mud outside your own little home...I saw the tension on your leg, how your weight went down just a tiny bit harder on the back of his head, pushing his face into the mud. You wear your mock-concern like a fashion statement. Heaven forbid anyone rise out of the shit to your level and take it from you.
And fuck me.
Fuck me for taking this long to sort it all out. Fuck me for wasting my time. Fuck me for committing the cardinal sin in letting my reality squeeeeeak out into your consciousness: there is is no greater contempt than that for she who is in real need. I ceased to be fun the moment I ceased to be juuuust fine.
And fuck you. He who sits on his creaking throne, salvaged from the trash and judges me. Manic Pixie what? What did you call me, punk? How dare you judge my being? My coping mechanism? My will to keep laughing in the face of the glorious, glittering shitstorm? A shitstorm you are now part of? And what of you? Who the fuck are you to tell me what people want? How they want me to behave? And when you can hardly behave yourself! For you to reduce my existence, to diminish me to an archetypal plot device tells me two things:
1. You never understood a goddamned thing about me.
2. You are sour grapes.
I have had enough.
But you are a manic pixie.
's one of the reasons we love you.
(http://shelsilverstein.yolasite.com/resources/22.gif)
Please help me escape other people's realities.
I don't even know what's real anymore. I know it feels like I got bullied into total submission. It feels I got goaded and pushed into doing something horrendous for me: something that makes me feel a little ill. It feels like I was in a state of total mental breakdown while you continued to bully: used military torture techniques to break me utterly, screaming, begging, crying "just make it stop. I'll do anything. Just STTTTTTTOP!"
But in your mind, I know you believe you did right. I needed to be taught a lesson...and I need to keep being taught a lesson until I get it through my head what a piece of shit I am.
The thing is, I genuinely don't even know anymore. I have no more delusions of any sense of worth or rigteousness--I think you were right about my incompetance as a EMT and parent and human being. I mean, deep-down, who am I kidding? The shit they say about everyone having value is a lie and we all know it.
And I'm pretty certain by now that if anyone deserves what they get, it's me. You're right, you've proven the concensus on that is pretty resolute: as soon as you revealed what a piece of "trash" I am, I stopped having any appeal at all. I'm not entitled to a thing and that includes mercy.
I feel like I've completely lost my grip on any sense of what is or isn't just treatment and handling of me. I never claimed myself a perfect person and in fact, am now willing to come to terms with the fact that I may just be as entirely worthless as you say. Does that mean the pain is deserved? Does that mean your actions, which could only be described as horrific if applied to a normal person are less horrific given the me-variable? I honestly don't know. I used to believe I knew a thing or two about the world but I have no clue, really.
I do know now that I just have to shut up and stuff it. I have no right to complain anymore. I do understand power. I understand the futility in standing up to it because the getting smacked back down where I belong hurts so much worse than just staying down where I belong. I know that I am the inferior specimen, the runt, the abberration and it would serve me better to keep my fucking mouth shut lest I be scheduled to be "destroyed" like the rest of the useless, unwanted animals.
I literally flogged myself to make it stop and it would not stop. No mercy can be shown with a whore like me. It is not enough for me to self-induce floggings as punishment. I have to know with perfect clarity that once you get started, there is zero escape. Not even if I concede. Not even if I cocede and beg and generously exact your revenge. So it's probably best if I stay down and not succumb to those delusions that I have any right to stand up to you...that there is any way I can win if I've pissed you off.
So while beneath the surface, there is a contained rage at what I somtimes perceive as a great injustice, you should know the perception of injustice is beginning to decay. It was always prostrate, now it is compost. Fertile ground in which grows the tangled, impenetrable forest of my own ruin.
Bad navcat. Be nice to yourself.
NAVKAT. :evilmad: DON'T YOU BE SO DOWN ON YOURSELF. You are one of the smartest, weirdest, funniest, strongest, most awesome people it's been my pleasure to say "I know this chick down in the south, she's amazing," about! I know that because of what you went through, youre going to have a hard time believing, but it's true. I promise.
Looks to me like it was somebody else who's fucked up and worthless. Never take a sociopath literally.
I'm just a mess of all these internalized messages. It's so bad that there's a truth to the fact that all these people I gave my love to all bounced as soon as I became problematic. It really just makes me feel so fucking low. Not fit for human company. A waste of sperm. I reach and smile and try to hang onto that impervious humor and then this voice says "Who are you kidding, you dumb cunt?"
I don't know if letting it explode here is good or not but it forces me to describe it candidly and then allows me to examine it critically when I'm not in that headspace.
I'm so fucking broken and I honestly don't know what good therapy's done me. Maybe I'm unfixable.
Again, Nav: FUCK people like that. We don't WANT them to like us.
What was it Dok used to say? "The scorn of the nazis is a badge of honor."
Your only mistake was getting trapped, and who the fuck teaches you how not to?
What sociopathic asswipe reveals himself before he's got you good and cornered?
It's OVER. You can probably see asswipes like this coming a mile away now and avoid them like plague.
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 02:51:03 AM
Maybe I'm unfixable.
On the other hand, who wants to be fixed?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2012, 03:43:44 AM
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 02:51:03 AM
Maybe I'm unfixable.
On the other hand, who wants to be fixed?
Hi, I just came here from a thread wherein Nigel talks about over-abundant gender-reassignment so that sounded like an offer. Like "Who wants ice cream?"
You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.
NOT ME!
The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 06:59:51 AM
You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.
NOT ME!
The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.
Instead of telling yourself that, try a message that informs you in a way that is positive and constructive. Give yourself the message that helps you be what you want to become. Instead of "The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot", tell yourself "I used to be that way, but in the future, I am going to be more cautious, and protect myself from people who show warning signs". Tell yourself "I don't want to lick the boot that kicks me, and I won't do it". If you don't recognize warning signs, start consciously teaching them to yourself. Write them down.
And if you haven't read "The Gift of Fear" yet, READ IT.
You are your own best coach.
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 02:51:03 AM
I reach and smile and try to hang onto that impervious humor and then this voice says "Who are you kidding, you dumb cunt?"
I used to have a very similar problem, where one of the things I was suffering from was vicious self-talk like that. A particular thing that seemed to help immensely was to change it into the Cookie Monster's voice, or a highly melodramatic opera singer's voice, etc. Any tone that prevents you from taking it seriously.
I usually paired this with a sincere reminder to maintain compassion for people, which includes me.
Hope you feel better soon, Navkat.
Quote from: Nigel on April 15, 2012, 06:07:25 PM
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 06:59:51 AM
You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.
NOT ME!
The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.
Instead of telling yourself that, try a message that informs you in a way that is positive and constructive. Give yourself the message that helps you be what you want to become. Instead of "The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot", tell yourself "I used to be that way, but in the future, I am going to be more cautious, and protect myself from people who show warning signs". Tell yourself "I don't want to lick the boot that kicks me, and I won't do it". If you don't recognize warning signs, start consciously teaching them to yourself. Write them down.
And if you haven't read "The Gift of Fear" yet, READ IT.
You are your own best coach.
Seconded, every bit of this. Really can't add anything except that you really DON'T like being kicked. Think about it. Just because there's been some pattern like that doesn't mean you WANT it.
http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334526497&sr=8-1
Buy it, borrow it, or download it. Just get it and read it. It's incredibly applicable to matters of personal boundaries and respecting your intuition.
I am going to hound you until you read it.
Gavin deBecker. I read it a long time ago. He talks about how people send out "satellites" when they're full of shit and other things. trust your instinct, the carjacker's reflection subconsciously detected in the rearview mirror and whatnot. I'm a fan.
The problem is: I hardcore don't trust my instinct because I've pretty much been programmed out of having one in a lot of interpersonal situations.
I always come off as being full of shit because I've been programmed since I was five to have a guilty conscience and I get flustered and always feel like I have to explain myself too much. Every time I've been stopped by police or at the border, I've drawn suspicion and had to be questioned further because I have ZERO sense of "Of course I'm not gonna have a problem, I'm innocent." I always talk in a way that comes off as "I'm trying to convince this guy I'm cool and I haven't done anything." I think this plays a large role in my ability to sense others' BS.
I have a numbed sense of fear too. I generally don't feel afraid in situations where I should. This works very well for me in scenarios where most people are panicking. I'm completely dissociated from any sense of fear until there's no imminent danger and so I'm usually the one figuring shit out fairly calmly. When it's all over, I have panic attacks in private. I've even had a gun in my face when I was 17 and had a severely delayed reaction. "This isn't really REAL." is how the mechanism works. Later, it comes together and hits me like a brick.
I don't know what to do about that. I know I at least have some instinct because I was able to sense and respond to a patient having a seizure in the back of my truck, even when the 20 year medic didn't believe it was happening because the 12-lead didn't indicate anything abnormal (even later when the pt's respirations hit the ceiling). I know I have that ability to say "Something ain't right here," and respond. I can do it with my son too.
I just can't do it to save my own ass. When I'm in it, I'm drowning in it and completely blind.
I think about this a lot. It's a problem I'd like to solve if I can. I thought therapy might work but my therapist refuses to see that I have any problems at all and I've spent the last few months talking about this stuff and being told that somewhere along the line, I got this erroneous idea in my head that I'm different than everyone else. I can't simply will my way into being this perfectly-functioning, whole human-being just by saying to myself "The idea that I'm dysfunctional is a lie and it doesn't exist."
VA doc. I wonder if she'd say the same to me if her livelihood depended on retaining patients. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't and a bad thing that her caseload is over-capacity.
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 11:48:52 PM
Gavin deBecker. I read it a long time ago. He talks about how people send out "satellites" when they're full of shit and other things. trust your instinct, the carjacker's reflection subconsciously detected in the rearview mirror and whatnot. I'm a fan.
The problem is: I hardcore don't trust my instinct because I've pretty much been programmed out of having one in a lot of interpersonal situations.
I always come off as being full of shit because I've been programmed since I was five to have a guilty conscience and I get flustered and always feel like I have to explain myself too much. Every time I've been stopped by police or at the border, I've drawn suspicion and had to be questioned further because I have ZERO sense of "Of course I'm not gonna have a problem, I'm innocent." I always talk in a way that comes off as "I'm trying to convince this guy I'm cool and I haven't done anything." I think this plays a large role in my ability to sense others' BS.
I have a numbed sense of fear too. I generally don't feel afraid in situations where I should. This works very well for me in scenarios where most people are panicking. I'm completely dissociated from any sense of fear until there's no imminent danger and so I'm usually the one figuring shit out fairly calmly. When it's all over, I have panic attacks in private. I've even had a gun in my face when I was 17 and had a severely delayed reaction. "This isn't really REAL." is how the mechanism works. Later, it comes together and hits me like a brick.
I don't know what to do about that. I know I at least have some instinct because I was able to sense and respond to a patient having a seizure in the back of my truck, even when the 20 year medic didn't believe it was happening because the 12-lead didn't indicate anything abnormal (even later when the pt's respirations hit the ceiling). I know I have that ability to say "Something ain't right here," and respond. I can do it with my son too.
I just can't do it to save my own ass. When I'm in it, I'm drowning in it and completely blind.
I think about this a lot. It's a problem I'd like to solve if I can. I thought therapy might work but my therapist refuses to see that I have any problems at all and I've spent the last few months talking about this stuff and being told that somewhere along the line, I got this erroneous idea in my head that I'm different than everyone else. I can't simply will my way into being this perfectly-functioning, whole human-being just by saying to myself "The idea that I'm dysfunctional is a lie and it doesn't exist."
VA doc. I wonder if she'd say the same to me if her livelihood depended on retaining patients. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't and a bad thing that her caseload is over-capacity.
Your therapist is shitty and you need a different one.
You CAN regain that self-trust, and become more attuned to your fear and your instincts, but it's a lot harder to do on your own. It would help to have a good therapist who's on your side and trained in childhood traumas and PTSD.
Quote from: Net on April 15, 2012, 08:21:33 PM
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 02:51:03 AM
I reach and smile and try to hang onto that impervious humor and then this voice says "Who are you kidding, you dumb cunt?"
I used to have a very similar problem, where one of the things I was suffering from was vicious self-talk like that. A particular thing that seemed to help immensely was to change it into the Cookie Monster's voice, or a highly melodramatic opera singer's voice, etc. Any tone that prevents you from taking it seriously.
I usually paired this with a sincere reminder to maintain compassion for people, which includes me.
Hope you feel better soon, Navkat.
I think I remember you saying this once. THIS is something I can do. Sometimes the ridiculous can reach me where logic won't. Unfortunately, that makes me a sucker for people who try to "smooth things over" by acting silly and making jokes because I absolutely can't stay angry when people are being silly and trying to make me laugh.
Quote from: navkat on April 15, 2012, 11:48:52 PM
The problem is: I hardcore don't trust my instinct because I've pretty much been programmed out of having one in a lot of interpersonal situations.
I think you might have just overridden it a lot, you know, the alarm bell goes off quietly but you disregard it and forge ahead anyway. We've all done that. IMHO the thing about telling it to shut up is that after awhile it starts to comply. This would probably cut both ways, though. I think you can get it back by paying attention and listening for it. Start with small stuff.
I hope I said that right. It's hard to explain.
Quote
I always come off as being full of shit because I've been programmed since I was five to have a guilty conscience and I get flustered and always feel like I have to explain myself too much. Every time I've been stopped by police or at the border, I've drawn suspicion and had to be questioned further because I have ZERO sense of "Of course I'm not gonna have a problem, I'm innocent." I always talk in a way that comes off as "I'm trying to convince this guy I'm cool and I haven't done anything." I think this plays a large role in my ability to sense others' BS.
I have a numbed sense of fear too. I generally don't feel afraid in situations where I should. This works very well for me in scenarios where most people are panicking. I'm completely dissociated from any sense of fear until there's no imminent danger and so I'm usually the one figuring shit out fairly calmly. When it's all over, I have panic attacks in private. I've even had a gun in my face when I was 17 and had a severely delayed reaction. "This isn't really REAL." is how the mechanism works. Later, it comes together and hits me like a brick.
That sounds kind of like a shock reaction. If you're the one thinking clearly and taking care of things, it's more of a boon. When the shit hits the fan, you deal with it, there's plenty of time to fall apart later. Also nothing wrong with falling apart later, we're humans. Show me somebody who's NOT shaken up at some point if somebody sticks a gun in their face.
QuoteI don't know what to do about that. I know I at least have some instinct because I was able to sense and respond to a patient having a seizure in the back of my truck, even when the 20 year medic didn't believe it was happening because the 12-lead didn't indicate anything abnormal (even later when the pt's respirations hit the ceiling). I know I have that ability to say "Something ain't right here," and respond. I can do it with my son too.
I just can't do it to save my own ass. When I'm in it, I'm drowning in it and completely blind.
I think about this a lot. It's a problem I'd like to solve if I can. I thought therapy might work but my therapist refuses to see that I have any problems at all and I've spent the last few months talking about this stuff and being told that somewhere along the line, I got this erroneous idea in my head that I'm different than everyone else. I can't simply will my way into being this perfectly-functioning, whole human-being just by saying to myself "The idea that I'm dysfunctional is a lie and it doesn't exist."
VA doc. I wonder if she'd say the same to me if her livelihood depended on retaining patients. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't and a bad thing that her caseload is over-capacity.
EMPHATICALLY what Nigel said.
GooooooooooooooooooooooFUCKyourself!
HIM: "There's nothing new in this philosophy that you're going to teach me. for fucks sakes."
ME: "Aaaaand THAT is where your biggest fucking blindspot is."
--Logs off--
Incoming text < minute later...
HIM: "Yeah, sure, take off and leave. That'll convince me to come back ... You're supposed to challenge me, right? Challenge me, motherfucker!"
*more blathering.* *comparison of peen*
ME: Who the fuck cares which is bigger? Both accomplish the same goal: Funn."
...
...
ME: Confuscious say He who roll rotten, antiquated apple into hall then walk away sees not people kicking wormy apple back his way."
"Aaaand He who not see kicked apple miss out on exciting game of apple-football."
HIM: "I'm not the one who's all butthurt over [it]."
ME: No one's butthurt...it's just a shame you won't join the fun."
HIM: "Then why are you whining at me in the middle of the night for?"
ME: "Was I whining? What a manic-pixie thing for me to do! My apologies!"
HIM: "Manic pixies don't whine. They flitter about, pouring their uselessness all over everything like vomit diarrhea."
ME: "I see..."
"Well, MY useless ass has a job interview with an Ambulance company in the morning. I will molest your important midnight online poker sessions no more with my watery copremesis."
"Toody-loo!"
Is this your friend who signed up the other week?
Maybe. What'll you give me if I tell you?
A wedgie.
Well then it doesn't really behoove me to tell you now, does it?
I never said what would happen if you didn't.
:44 ??
Quote from: Cain on April 25, 2012, 01:12:16 PM
I never said what would happen if you didn't.
It was waaaay worse than that. There were pissing contests between Reddit and the (unseen by this nameless person) ColbertGASM. There were links passed to a certain Scribd tome and refusals to read on the grounds that we are all a cliquish bunch of pretentious ego-strokers. There were assurances that nothing is personal. There were exclamations of how certain people don't Get It and retorts that certain people Get It just fine...get it sooooo much in fact that It ceased to become It a long time ago and that basically, if one wanted to stand in the middle of the room, declaring oneself unique and alien, one would have to take a number behind all the gazillion other unique aliens and that really, the only thing that remains somewhat unique and alien is to get off the fucking stage, take a seat and enjoy the clownshow of "unique aliens" declaring their uniqueness.
There were disclosures of planned one-upmanship perceived as "foiled" by circumstances believed to be intentional and directed at a specific poster but which are genuinely just another crazy easter egg. There was the attempt to describe the front entrance as a mirrored door and to point out the utter hilarity and pointlessness in the act of pecking out the eyes of the doorman.
There were closing, dead-end arguments and declarations of the importance and value of someone's time and the request not to be bothered with invitations to inferior "parties."
But I'm not naming names.
You should. It's more fun if it can get blown up into a massive, inter-website hissy fit.
Ho-hum. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ishkur%27s_Guide_to_Electronic_Music)
He's really a wonderful person. We were together once but we're two different, incompatible brands of crazy. I actually have a deep love for him still but he can be obstinate, stubborn and defensively self-righteous. It's like he sees the bars but then he fucks it all up by saying "Well, I'm glad I'm the only one who's got that sorted."
The funny thing is: I thought he'd end up getting along with you the best, believe it or not. He's a voracious history buff, tears apart war strategy/historical cause and effect in his mind like a machine, he's 7/8ths of the way into a degree in like, theology or some shit, is well-written, appreciates cynical irony and has a sharp wit that often goes below the radar because others are either missing knowledge or simply don't catch it.
He occasionally gets lost applying his knowledge of history to certain current events simply because he draws premature conclusions and sometimes fails to comprehend people's motivations.
I looked forward to seeing how he'd fit within the dynamic here and observing the two of you jaunt back and forth, turn each other onto new reading material, challenge each other and tag-team while taking down every chucklehead to make an uninformed or baseless declaration within earshot of your evil web of facts.
But ah, well...
So he won't come back because we didn't like his thesis? :lol:
He won't come back because we're pretentious, cliquish fucks who aren't REAL Discordians.
Quote from: navkat on April 25, 2012, 08:31:30 PM
He won't come back because we're pretentious, cliquish fucks who aren't REAL Discordians.
:lulz:
I vaguely remember that spag.
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
Telling them we're a bunch of total dicks who sometimes have interesting conversations can work sometimes though.
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:59 AM
Telling them we're a bunch of total dicks who sometimes have interesting conversations can work sometimes though.
That's what I told my GF. :lulz:
Quote from: Guru Coyote on April 26, 2012, 12:31:21 AM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:59 AM
Telling them we're a bunch of total dicks who sometimes have interesting conversations can work sometimes though.
That's what I told my GF. :lulz:
That's also about what I told EOT, I think. :lol:
Two weeks ago, hanging out with Cram and others:
Friend1: "So, wait, what's this Discordianism thing about?"
Me: "Well, you know how people act like complete dickheads to each other on the Internet?"
Friend1: "Yeah?"
Cram: "Some people have a religion about it."
CramFriend: "You know, like, YouTube comments? That's holy scripture."
Quote from: Cainad on April 26, 2012, 03:49:56 AM
Two weeks ago, hanging out with Cram and others:
Friend1: "So, wait, what's this Discordianism thing about?"
Me: "Well, you know how people act like complete dickheads to each other on the Internet?"
Friend1: "Yeah?"
Cram: "Some people have a religion about it."
CramFriend: "You know, like, YouTube comments? That's holy scripture."
Amen. :lulz:
Quote from: navkat on April 25, 2012, 02:29:38 PM
Ho-hum. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ishkur%27s_Guide_to_Electronic_Music)
He's really a wonderful person. We were together once but we're two different, incompatible brands of crazy. I actually have a deep love for him still but he can be obstinate, stubborn and defensively self-righteous. It's like he sees the bars but then he fucks it all up by saying "Well, I'm glad I'm the only one who's got that sorted."
The funny thing is: I thought he'd end up getting along with you the best, believe it or not. He's a voracious history buff, tears apart war strategy/historical cause and effect in his mind like a machine, he's 7/8ths of the way into a degree in like, theology or some shit, is well-written, appreciates cynical irony and has a sharp wit that often goes below the radar because others are either missing knowledge or simply don't catch it.
He occasionally gets lost applying his knowledge of history to certain current events simply because he draws premature conclusions and sometimes fails to comprehend people's motivations.
I looked forward to seeing how he'd fit within the dynamic here and observing the two of you jaunt back and forth, turn each other onto new reading material, challenge each other and tag-team while taking down every chucklehead to make an uninformed or baseless declaration within earshot of your evil web of facts.
But ah, well...
Ah well indeed. His loss.
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:28 AM
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
It's weird: I actually found OUT about the existence of the Principia Discordia from him and fell in love with my own sort of translation of this shit on my own. I really believed he'd appreciate the "total rejection of all bullshit including our own" concept because to him "nothing is true" is sort of an ethic.
The irony is that he's arguing the same point. He just doesn't grasp that:
1. It isn't a mystery to us
And
2. We've already been inundated by "above it" n00bs who came here to teach us a thing or two about a thing or two.
He fails to see "We're *already* done laughing about that" as the fucked-up, sadistic welcome party it is.
Quote from: navkat on April 26, 2012, 07:41:42 AM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:28 AM
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
It's weird: I actually found OUT about the existence of the Principia Discordia from him and fell in love with my own sort of translation of this shit on my own. I really believed he'd appreciate the "total rejection of all bullshit including our own" concept because to him "nothing is true" is sort of an ethic.
The irony is that he's arguing the same point. He just doesn't grasp that:
1. It isn't a mystery to us
And
2. We've already been inundated by "above it" n00bs who came here to teach us a thing or two about a thing or two.
He fails to see "We're *already* done laughing about that" as the fucked-up, sadistic welcome party it is.
Well that's kind of sad. I hope he gets over himself someday. :)
Quote from: navkat on April 26, 2012, 07:41:42 AM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:28 AM
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
It's weird: I actually found OUT about the existence of the Principia Discordia from him and fell in love with my own sort of translation of this shit on my own. I really believed he'd appreciate the "total rejection of all bullshit including our own" concept because to him "nothing is true" is sort of an ethic.
The irony is that he's arguing the same point. He just doesn't grasp that:
1. It isn't a mystery to us
And
2. We've already been inundated by "above it" n00bs who came here to teach us a thing or two about a thing or two.
He fails to see "We're *already* done laughing about that" as the fucked-up, sadistic welcome party it is.
Some people get stuck in their own enlightenment. Which, after a while, becomes no kind of enlightenment at all, but a trap instead.
Quote from: navkat on April 25, 2012, 11:38:55 AM
GooooooooooooooooooooooFUCKyourself!
HIM: "There's nothing new in this philosophy that you're going to teach me. for fucks sakes."
ME: "Aaaaand THAT is where your biggest fucking blindspot is."
--Logs off--
Incoming text < minute later...
HIM: "Yeah, sure, take off and leave. That'll convince me to come back ... You're supposed to challenge me, right? Challenge me, motherfucker!"
*more blathering.* *comparison of peen*
ME: Who the fuck cares which is bigger? Both accomplish the same goal: Funn."
...
...
ME: Confuscious say He who roll rotten, antiquated apple into hall then walk away sees not people kicking wormy apple back his way."
"Aaaand He who not see kicked apple miss out on exciting game of apple-football."
HIM: "I'm not the one who's all butthurt over [it]."
ME: No one's butthurt...it's just a shame you won't join the fun."
HIM: "Then why are you whining at me in the middle of the night for?"
ME: "Was I whining? What a manic-pixie thing for me to do! My apologies!"
HIM: "Manic pixies don't whine. They flitter about, pouring their uselessness all over everything like vomit diarrhea."
ME: "I see..."
"Well, MY useless ass has a job interview with an Ambulance company in the morning. I will molest your important midnight online poker sessions no more with my watery copremesis."
"Toody-loo!"
Find better friends.
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 03:32:34 PM
Quote from: navkat on April 26, 2012, 07:41:42 AM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:28 AM
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
It's weird: I actually found OUT about the existence of the Principia Discordia from him and fell in love with my own sort of translation of this shit on my own. I really believed he'd appreciate the "total rejection of all bullshit including our own" concept because to him "nothing is true" is sort of an ethic.
The irony is that he's arguing the same point. He just doesn't grasp that:
1. It isn't a mystery to us
And
2. We've already been inundated by "above it" n00bs who came here to teach us a thing or two about a thing or two.
He fails to see "We're *already* done laughing about that" as the fucked-up, sadistic welcome party it is.
Some people get stuck in their own enlightenment. Which, after a while, becomes no kind of enlightenment at all, but a trap instead.
This is why I refuse to be enlightened, though I'm not above inflicting it on others.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 26, 2012, 04:32:50 PM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 03:32:34 PM
Quote from: navkat on April 26, 2012, 07:41:42 AM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 12:28:28 AM
Tip: Don't prosyletize to your friends. Especially not about this place.
If you tell them about it and they're intrigued, they'll ask. Maybe take them postering or something. But telling them it's new and fascinating and enlightening sets everyone up for failure.
It's weird: I actually found OUT about the existence of the Principia Discordia from him and fell in love with my own sort of translation of this shit on my own. I really believed he'd appreciate the "total rejection of all bullshit including our own" concept because to him "nothing is true" is sort of an ethic.
The irony is that he's arguing the same point. He just doesn't grasp that:
1. It isn't a mystery to us
And
2. We've already been inundated by "above it" n00bs who came here to teach us a thing or two about a thing or two.
He fails to see "We're *already* done laughing about that" as the fucked-up, sadistic welcome party it is.
Some people get stuck in their own enlightenment. Which, after a while, becomes no kind of enlightenment at all, but a trap instead.
This is why I refuse to be enlightened, though I'm not above inflicting it on others.
Correct two-wheeled motorized vehicle.
Quote from: navkat on April 25, 2012, 02:29:38 PM
Ho-hum. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ishkur%27s_Guide_to_Electronic_Music)
What about it? I found it a very interesting site? Even though I may not agree with all of it, or even be familiar with all the sub-genres to decide whether I do or not :lol:
Hey but if he's your friend, realize that your friend don't necessarily need to like everything you like. If he's your friend there should be sufficient other common ground.
Also what others said, I never proselytise about this place. I just pass them a link every once in a while if it's something I feel they might appreciate. If they tend to appreciate a lot of the things, I ask them if they wouldn't like consider registering and post something. But then usually the answer is "I don't have time to get involved with an Internet Forum", and that's okay. Then later I might poke them a bit about doing IRL missions with me maybe, but they usually don't wanna either, so that's that, nothing is lost. Except opportunity maybe.
Quote from: navkat on April 12, 2012, 03:01:38 PM(http://shelsilverstein.yolasite.com/resources/22.gif)
Cool image, did you draw that? What is the circle-face thing? The sun?
Given your other miserable rantings (which are fine, get it off your chest girl!!), I kind of had to think of this painting, made by an old friend:
(http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/13/butterflyn.jpg)
I liked the imagery so much (darker times for me, too), she painted a new copy* for me and sent it through the mail. It got lost, I received an empty envelope. She told me "no use trying at the post office, it's gone now". I was puzzled. I totally did not understand. A painting got lost! Being who I was 10 years ago, I didn't know how to reply to that and lost contact. But now I think I do. Because it's gone now.
(*actually this image is the new copy. the old one was kind of the same image but worse photo+jpg quality)
Quote from: Triple Zero on April 26, 2012, 09:40:11 PM
Quote from: navkat on April 12, 2012, 03:01:38 PM(http://shelsilverstein.yolasite.com/resources/22.gif)
Cool image, did you draw that? What is the circle-face thing? The sun?
It's a thingy from one of Shel Silverstein's illustrated books,
The Missing Piece.
Ah, I see. And a piece is missing from the sun? (or maybe it's the moon)
A piece is missing from an unclassified circular being that is also the narrator, who goes on a merry adventure looking for its missing piece.
To find out all along, the piece comes from within (http://thinkexist.com/quotation/peace_comes_from_within-do_not_seek_it_without/147331.html).
So last week, I ran into...well, let's just call him Patrick Bateman or PB for short!
Anyway, it was at cafe enVie. I wanted to enjoy the weather, a coffee and my Kindle when PB walks in. Ruins everything. You know, that motherfucker actually had the nerve to start approaching me as if to make small talk? I walked away. I jut felt ill and a little angry all over again. Repulsed.
I often wonder what I was thinking after I've gotten completely over someone. Most of my exes turn out to be good friends but there are a few who have head-fucked me so hard, as soon as the "love is blind" aspect of my feelings for them dies, I'm left with this revulsion...this image of them as sort of gross. Like I was slumming just being with them. This only happens with the ones who were 1. in some way, particularly evil and 2. never admit or attempted amends for wrongdoing. My similar feelings for BC Raver dissipated as soon as I got an earnest, heartfelt apology. It may be an anti-psycho defense mech.
I can't believe I actually heroized this prick. He's sort of disgusting, really. I lowered myself to the role of "prop" for him. "Arm candy." "Novelty item." I feel a sort of inner bubble of...rage? over that. I can't help but feel that herein lies all the materials I need to build myself an inner-Nigel. Here are all the tools I need to build a version of myself that kicks in the shins anyone who tries to get me to dispose of their fecal matter for them and convinces me to pay them for the privelege. Step one, lay all the instruments out on the table. Assess what you have in front of you and develop a loose sketch in your head of the sort of war machine you want to build.
OR KILL ME.
Go Nav go!
(mod note: I split discussion on "Scientific Dogma" from Navkat's "Taste this brick" thread, because #1 it's completely off-topic #2 it really came out of the blue and #3 it's interesting enough to warrant its own topic. The new topic is in the Scientism subforum)
Quote from: navkat on April 28, 2012, 03:40:28 PM
So last week, I ran into...well, let's just call him Patrick Bateman or PB for short!
Anyway, it was at cafe enVie. I wanted to enjoy the weather, a coffee and my Kindle when PB walks in. Ruins everything. You know, that motherfucker actually had the nerve to start approaching me as if to make small talk? I walked away. I jut felt ill and a little angry all over again. Repulsed.
I often wonder what I was thinking after I've gotten completely over someone. Most of my exes turn out to be good friends but there are a few who have head-fucked me so hard, as soon as the "love is blind" aspect of my feelings for them dies, I'm left with this revulsion...this image of them as sort of gross. Like I was slumming just being with them. This only happens with the ones who were 1. in some way, particularly evil and 2. never admit or attempted amends for wrongdoing. My similar feelings for BC Raver dissipated as soon as I got an earnest, heartfelt apology. It may be an anti-psycho defense mech.
I can't believe I actually heroized this prick. He's sort of disgusting, really. I lowered myself to the role of "prop" for him. "Arm candy." "Novelty item." I feel a sort of inner bubble of...rage? over that. I can't help but feel that herein lies all the materials I need to build myself an inner-Nigel. Here are all the tools I need to build a version of myself that kicks in the shins anyone who tries to get me to dispose of their fecal matter for them and convinces me to pay them for the privelege. Step one, lay all the instruments out on the table. Assess what you have in front of you and develop a loose sketch in your head of the sort of war machine you want to build.
OR KILL ME.
I feel almost exactly the same way about my most recent ex. I idealized him... and after the thrall wore off, I realized that he's kind of an awful person, and I feel icky. And he emailed me a happy birthday today. I chose to assume it was some sort of automatic birthday calendar thing, and deleted it.
Quote from: navkat on April 28, 2012, 03:40:28 PM
I often wonder what I was thinking after I've gotten completely over someone. Most of my exes turn out to be good friends but there are a few who have head-fucked me so hard, as soon as the "love is blind" aspect of my feelings for them dies, I'm left with this revulsion...this image of them as sort of gross. Like I was slumming just being with them.
It's a thin line, etc.
Quote
I can't help but feel that herein lies all the materials I need to build myself an inner-Nigel.
:lulz: Fuckin' A.
Tawanda. :wink: