1. Do not sneak up on or surprise The Richter (Dimo, I'm talking to you).
2. Do not get between The Richter and his food (which can be defined as "anything made out of meat". This may include you.)
3. When feeding The Richter, do not cup your hand. Instead, use your hand to hold the 11 foot pole.
4. Do not tap on glass or poke The Richter between the bars.
5. Do not make faces at or otherwise tease The Richter.
6. The Richter may accelerate to dangerous speeds with no warning.
7. If The Richter cuts himself, do not look directly at resulting ichor.
8. The Richter may be illegal in your state. Visit your state's justice department or wildlife management website to learn more.
9. The leaded glass is there for your protection. Do not attempt to defeat the safeguards, as radiation may be present at dangerous levels.
10. If The Richter somehow gets behind you, start over again. This usually involves reincarnation.
Do not puncture or incinerate.
Serious food borne illness.
Flash photography near the Richter is inadvisable. Unless you want the flash crammed down your throat and the camera in your ass.
The Richter is unsafe, at any speed.
Do not expose The Richter to direct sunlight without following the recommended safety procedures.
If you choose to worship The Richter, never pray while he's eating.
In times of extreme civic unrest or natural disaster it is acceptable to open The Richter's cage and worship him as the god that will fix your shit and lead you forward.*
*Note: Releasing The Richter voids any and all warranties associated with his original containment. The management cannot be held responsible for where The Richter leads his followers, and urges potential worshipers to consider their own physical and mental limitations before opening the cage.
If you wish to consider the future under the rule of The Richter, imagine an oversized shoe descending onto a clown's face. Forever.
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on August 01, 2012, 02:48:35 AM
1. Do not sneak up on or surprise The Richter (Dimo, I'm talking to you).
a. If you do happen to startle The Richter, please keep in mind that you will not have sufficient time to pray to any god(s) or deities you may have, and that your family is prohibited from suing the company due to any 'hauntings' or other supposedly supernatural events caused by your soul not leaving the mortal plane.
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=4121
Do not read this safety guide to The Richter while he is driving an overloaded vehicle at unsafe speeds.
Oops.
Quote from: Luna on August 12, 2012, 08:12:51 PM
Do not read this safety guide to The Richter while he is driving an overloaded vehicle at unsafe speeds.
Oops.
:lulz:
But you survived long enough to post about it, right? I suppose that's just another side effect of The Richter.
-Never leave The Richter alone with anything sharpenable. If left unsupervised, he'll put an edge on a ball of yarn. And for the record, you do
not want to be there when he does
Quote from: leln on August 13, 2012, 01:37:26 AM
If left unsupervised, he'll put an edge on a ball of yarn.
:lulz:
Quote from: leln on August 13, 2012, 01:37:26 AM
Quote from: Luna on August 12, 2012, 08:12:51 PM
Do not read this safety guide to The Richter while he is driving an overloaded vehicle at unsafe speeds.
Oops.
:lulz:
But you survived long enough to post about it, right? I suppose that's just another side effect of The Richter.
Side rule: If you break any of these safety precautions, it quite possible he WILL leave at least one survivor to carry the tale... but not always... and death might actually be preferable to the psychic damage left by the experience.
Quote from: leln on August 13, 2012, 01:37:26 AM
-Never leave The Richter alone with anything sharpenable. If left unsupervised, he'll put an edge on a ball of yarn. And for the record, you do not want to be there when he does
:lulz:
To ensure containment, the Richter is to be allowed nothing more dangerous than 12 cm of string at any time. The Richter has been observed to manufacture everything from trousers to impact tools with sufficient cordage.
Giving the Richter a knife is not advised, but does speed things up. Same applies for marlin spikes, hammers, or locking pliers.
The Richter can use a blowtorch to do an alarming number of things.
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on August 13, 2012, 12:11:03 PM
To ensure containment, the Richter is to be allowed nothing more dangerous than 12 cm of string at any time. The Richter has been observed to manufacture everything from trousers to impact tools with sufficient cordage.
Giving the Richter a knife is not advised, but does speed things up. Same applies for marlin spikes, hammers, or locking pliers.
The Richter can use a blowtorch to do an alarming number of things.
While LMNO uses his Big Gay Cowboy powers to save children from velociraptors, Richter just wants shit sharp. Everything. Bowling balls. Your skull. The slide at the park. It's not that Richter is evil, he's just
focused.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on August 13, 2012, 01:30:11 PM
While LMNO uses his Big Gay Cowboy powers to save children from velociraptors, Richter just wants shit sharp. Everything. Bowling balls. Your skull. The slide at the park. It's not that Richter is evil, he's just focused.
Don't be coy, you know darned well that anywhere The Richter
focuses, epicenters shuffle meekly into line. Everything else is just a side effect.
Quote from: leln on August 14, 2012, 01:40:22 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on August 13, 2012, 01:30:11 PM
While LMNO uses his Big Gay Cowboy powers to save children from velociraptors, Richter just wants shit sharp. Everything. Bowling balls. Your skull. The slide at the park. It's not that Richter is evil, he's just focused.
Don't be coy, you know darned well that anywhere The Richter focuses, epicenters shuffle meekly into line. Everything else is just a side effect.
"Side effect" sounds so
sanitary.
Please note that The Richter operates on supernatural ninja powers. In the event that physics fail to be laws and are instead more like guidelines, do not be alarmed. Close your eyes and just wait for the universe to right itself.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on August 14, 2012, 01:52:29 AM
Please note that The Richter operates on supernatural ninja powers. In the event that physics fail to be laws and are instead more like guidelines, do not be alarmed. Close your eyes and just wait for the universe to right itself.
Do not close your eyes near The Richter. He'll fucking vanish if you're looking straight at him, anyway, and you NEVER know what he might be sharpening when you're not looking.
The Richter may cause California in your cancer.
The Richter has no business running a stealth system, but does anyways.
Tossing the Richter a steak will only help if it is properly prepared, because the last thing you want is a cooking lesson. Just like you would never want Hastur to sub in for Alton Brown.
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on August 15, 2012, 01:11:31 AM
The Richter may cause California in your cancer.
The Richter has no business running a stealth system, but does anyways.
Tossing the Richter a steak will only help if it is properly prepared, because the last thing you want is a cooking lesson. Just like you would never want Hastur to sub in for Alton Brown.
This just begs the question of how the Richter prefers steak.
I only take my steak one way. Orally.
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on August 15, 2012, 01:57:33 AM
I only take my steak one way. Orally.
Any other way just ruins the flavor IMO.