What do you say and/or do when a person is dealing with his spouse's suicide? I want to be supportive but just knowing it happened puts me in a weird shock.
Listen.
There is nothing you can do to fix or mitigate anything.
But just being an ear and a shoulder in such a traumatic time is going to be huge.
Quote from: Be Kind, Please RWHNd on September 13, 2013, 02:56:37 PM
Listen.
There is nothing you can do to fix or mitigate anything.
But just being an ear and a shoulder in such a traumatic time is going to be huge.
As weird as it is to be agreeing with RWHN, he's right. Don't try to fix things. I'd just say that if they need anything you're there and DON'T say "things will get better" or try to hurry along the recovery.
Yeah but is it all passive? Should my wife and I offer stuff like watching his children if he needs us to? Or should I just stick to the standard "if there's anything I can do..." thing?
If you know them well enough to offer that sure. Poor guy probably has a ton of paperwork and stuff to take care of as well, and depending on his job and mental state he may need help with that too.
Yes. Actively offer to help him. Don't wait for him to come to you. Call him more often. Invite him to dinner. Have Sunday potlucks.
Quote from: V3X on September 13, 2013, 03:07:39 PM
Yeah but is it all passive? Should my wife and I offer stuff like watching his children if he needs us to? Or should I just stick to the standard "if there's anything I can do..." thing?
Yes, definitely, wherever you can help relieve the "everyday stresses" I think that would be pretty welcome.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 13, 2013, 03:12:03 PM
Yes. Actively offer to help him. Don't wait for him to come to you. Call him more often. Invite him to dinner. Have Sunday potlucks.
This. It's a fucking nasty situation and one of the worst things that can happen is being left alone to deal with it. Call regularly, they will let you know if it's not wanted right then (or at all) but until you get to that point keep in contact. It's very easy to slide into a situation where you're just not dealing with anything at all and the results of that are never good.
Grieving takes as long as it has to. Even when some folks think they're done grieving they probably should go grieve some more. It's also important to not get caught up in the emotional trip. Some people will try to ease their grief by projecting on others or involving others but this just delays their own recovery by pushing away the pain.
They basically just need to go through a process and how long it takes them is how long it takes them
Also i fucking LOVE sunday potlucks....that would totally help me...just saying.
Quote from: V3X on September 13, 2013, 03:07:39 PM
Yeah but is it all passive? Should my wife and I offer stuff like watching his children if he needs us to? Or should I just stick to the standard "if there's anything I can do..." thing?
Yes, you should offer to watch his children, and you should make him pies and casseroles and take an active role in reaching out to him. People often feel like they don't know what to do, so do nothing at all, and that can make the grieving person feel alone or even shunned after the loss of a spouse. Depending on how close you are, call, text, or email every day. Invite him over, invite him to movies and events, invite him to go for a walk.
As tempting as it seems, try to avoid inviting him out for a drink.
In addition to all the good advice in this thread, bring over small healthy snacks that'll keep for a while, and maybe some fresh stuff. Some grieving folks have difficulty making food happen, and having small healthy things lying around makes it easier for them to keep the body functioning while they're dealing. Also, offer to clean shit, if you have the time.
It's a coworker going through this and I'm not super close to him, which is why I'm not sure if it's appropriate to cross lines that would normally be boundaries between "professional" and "personal." But I'm sure I'd be happy to get this kind of help from anybody at all if it were me dealing with an event like this. There's probably no official protocol for it. I'll keep all this advice in mind and act on as much of it as I can. Thanks for your input as always, PD!
Just don't convince a broken heart that it's not broken. Also if he needs a wingman to just get out of the house, or get some fresh air just do it.
Meat and cheese trays perhaps?
Quote from: tarod on September 14, 2013, 03:07:11 AM
Meat and cheese trays perhaps?
While it sounds like a good idea, meat and cheese trays are going to be packed with all kinds of sodium and other crap your body doesn't need too much of, and most lazy food is going to be loaded with that anyway. Fresh fruit baskets, dried fruit, granola bars, and lightly-salted nuts are a better bet (assuming you know the person well enough to pick out foods they don't hate). Also, restaurant gift cards.
Just about anything the guy will eat is a good idea. People often have a bad habit of not eating at all when they're grieving.
I'd skip the fresh fruit if you notive it spoils before it gets eaten.
Healthy food that keeps>healthy fresh food>any food at all>no real help>no contact at all
Start at keeping in touch, and try to get as far to the left as you can.
Quote from: :regret: on September 15, 2013, 09:23:16 PM
I'd skip the fresh fruit if you notive it spoils before it gets eaten.
Healthy food that keeps>healthy fresh food>any food at all>no real help>no contact at all
Start at keeping in touch, and try to get as far to the left as you can.
^^^ This.
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 16, 2013, 03:48:24 AM
Quote from: :regret: on September 15, 2013, 09:23:16 PM
I'd skip the fresh fruit if you notive it spoils before it gets eaten.
Healthy food that keeps>healthy fresh food>any food at all>no real help>no contact at all
Start at keeping in touch, and try to get as far to the left as you can.
^^^ This.
I notived i mistyped notive. That should obviously be motive.
Quote from: :regret: on September 16, 2013, 09:06:49 AM
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 16, 2013, 03:48:24 AM
Quote from: :regret: on September 15, 2013, 09:23:16 PM
I'd skip the fresh fruit if you notive it spoils before it gets eaten.
Healthy food that keeps>healthy fresh food>any food at all>no real help>no contact at all
Start at keeping in touch, and try to get as far to the left as you can.
^^^ This.
I notived i mistyped notive. That should obviously be motive.
:lol: