What's the matter, Bunky? You say your Discordia fell flat? You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you? And not in the good way? You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?
Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™. DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it? No, you think just fine.
What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame. Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior? That's not the Western way. Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor. Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor. You're special. You must be. You're the main character, after all. So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?
Compare our low rates and high value to the competition. President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons. Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010. Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted. Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.
No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs. Give us a call. Gamble a stamp. DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON. Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.
All major credit cards accepted. Act now! Quantities are limited. Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky? You say your Discordia fell flat? You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you? And not in the good way? You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?
Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™. DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it? No, you think just fine.
What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame. Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior? That's not the Western way. Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor. Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor. You're special. You must be. You're the main character, after all. So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?
Compare our low rates and high value to the competition. President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons. Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010. Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted. Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.
No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs. Give us a call. Gamble a stamp. DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON. Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.
All major credit cards accepted. Act now! Quantities are limited. Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!
Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 04:57:47 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky? You say your Discordia fell flat? You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you? And not in the good way? You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?
Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™. DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it? No, you think just fine.
What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame. Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior? That's not the Western way. Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor. Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor. You're special. You must be. You're the main character, after all. So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?
Compare our low rates and high value to the competition. President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons. Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010. Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted. Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.
No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs. Give us a call. Gamble a stamp. DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON. Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.
All major credit cards accepted. Act now! Quantities are limited. Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!
Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?
No, but we will make a convincing argument why everyone else should.
DOUR™: Cash on the barrelhead. We will take all your Conspiracy Money, leaving you the purity of commerce you always wanted.
Before I tried DOUR™, I was blaming myself for my lack of social skills and myopic classism. In fact, I was pretty sure I was the reason the internet was so fascist.
Now, I feel great, because it's all his fault. Thanks, DOUR™!
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:00:20 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 04:57:47 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky? You say your Discordia fell flat? You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you? And not in the good way? You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?
Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™. DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it? No, you think just fine.
What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame. Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior? That's not the Western way. Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor. Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor. You're special. You must be. You're the main character, after all. So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?
Compare our low rates and high value to the competition. President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons. Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010. Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted. Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.
No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs. Give us a call. Gamble a stamp. DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON. Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.
All major credit cards accepted. Act now! Quantities are limited. Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!
Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?
No, but we will make a convincing argument why everyone else should.
DOUR™: Cash on the barrelhead. We will take all your Conspiracy Money, leaving you the purity of commerce you always wanted.
I feel that by your refusal to accept my fictional currencies as legitimate means of exchange, particular with respect to exchanging my currencies from what if most undoubtedly a valuable service, you are stripping me of my God given Constitutional Rights
TM to a proper Free Market
TM. That is unless you accept Bitcoins, shiny beads, or positive thoughts.
If I continue to feel bad after I've blamed DOUR, can I get a refund?
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 05:03:42 PM
If I continue to feel bad after I've blamed DOUR, can I get a refund?
No, you should merely blame DOUR™ for its poor performance, and make sure to tell all your friends, forum-mates, and every single person on Facebook.
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?
Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?
Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?
DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF. He scared them all off.
DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome. DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you. Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?
Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?
DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF. He scared them all off.
DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome. DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you. Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.
Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:16:32 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?
Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?
DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF. He scared them all off.
DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome. DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you. Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.
Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.
If your mother balks, just remind her that she, too, can use DOUR™. SOMEONE is fucking the kids up these days, and it certainly isn't her generation. Damn kids.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:18:37 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:16:32 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?
Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?
DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF. He scared them all off.
DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome. DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you. Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.
Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.
If your mother balks, just remind her that she, too, can use DOUR™. SOMEONE is fucking the kids up these days, and it certainly isn't her generation. Damn kids.
DOUR
TM Outrage you can really get outraged at
TM.
DOUR
TM The real reason I can't remember my witty advertisment for DOUR
TMTM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:27:42 PM
DOURTM The real reason I can't remember my witty advertisment for DOURTMTM
See how well that works?
We will send you an invoice.
Can I blame DOUR™ for my hangover?
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 05:46:51 PM
Can I blame DOUR™ for my hangover?
Yes. DOUR™ drives us all to drink.
DOUR™: Christ, what an asshole.
Do not take DOUR if you are nursing, pregnant, trying to get someone pregant, or singing "The Circle of Life" in the shower
DOUR is NEVER taken orally
Do not dispose of DOUR down sink drains or toilets
Do not take DOUR and feed after midnight
Take not thy DOUR in vain
Before DOURTM, my only option was to grow as a person and develop social skills and a personal hygiene routine. But thanks to DOURTM, I'm saving dozens of dollars on soap and leaving-the-house activities! I can spend all my time on WOW telling people how lame and gay they are, which is where I belong! And best of all, none of it is my fault!
Thanks DOURTM!
DOUR™: THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN
There was a time when I blamed my love of jazz on things like Celine Dion, Anne Murray's Hippopotamus album, or Joni Mitchell's incandescent cheekbones... but no longer! Studies have shown that the most likely culprit in all situations is DOUR™!
Miley didn't think the VMA performance was a good idea... who talked her into it? DOUR™ of course.
Who decided the Oxford comma was the standard? That creep, DOUR™.
Who convinced the SLA to kidnap Patty Hearst? DOUR™, and only because he considers Citizen Kane to be vastly overrated.
Remember Apollo 13th's troubles? Yep... DOUR™
Who called the heroin hotline on Abbie Hoffman? It was DOUR™.
The person who convinced television to produce Mr Belvedere? You got it amigo, it was DOUR™.
Who assassinated Archduke Ferdinand? Gavrilo Princip... but DOUR™ talked him into it after knocking back a couple boilermakers.
Who's idea was this post? DOUR™ of course. Blame him if it didn't amuse you.
Quote from: Hoopla on October 16, 2013, 04:30:15 PM
There was a time when I blamed my love of jazz on things like Celine Dion, Anne Murray's Hippopotamus album, or Joni Mitchell's incandescent cheekbones... but no longer! Studies have shown that the most likely culprit in all situations is DOUR™!
Miley didn't think the VMA performance was a good idea... who talked her into it? DOUR™ of course.
Who decided the Oxford comma was the standard? That creep, DOUR™.
Who convinced the SLA to kidnap Patty Hearst? DOUR™, and only because he considers Citizen Kane to be vastly overrated.
Remember Apollo 13th's troubles? Yep... DOUR™
Who called the heroin hotline on Abbie Hoffman? It was DOUR™.
The person who convinced television to produce Mr Belvedere? You got it amigo, it was DOUR™.
Who assassinated Archduke Ferdinand? Gavrilo Princip... but DOUR™ talked him into it after knocking back a couple boilermakers.
Who's idea was this post? DOUR™ of course. Blame him if it didn't amuse you.
It's endorsements like these that demonstrate that we here at DOUR™ produce the finest scapegoats in the world, bred using our patented methods (that certainly don't involve yahoos from Georgia, Scotland, or Wales).
Try DOUR™ today!